Part 1: You Don't Lie To Me
by pjstillnoon
Summary: AU, just before the end of S1, some S2 influence. This is epic. Their whole lives played out. Together? Apart? Can they overcome the line and make it work? Can Cal learn to switch it off and actually trust someone? Will they last? Chapters Updated 24/2/13
1. Chapter 1

Cal Lightman moved through his office building seemingly at a loose end. Seemingly. He actually had a mission, which he could pass off as aimless wandering if he needed to. It was the middle of the day and most of his staff were leaving for their lunch break, taking advantage of the good weather, opting to sit in the square across the road. This was a good time to check up on his business partner. He entered Gillian Foster's office, having absently searched for her whereabouts as he wandered. She had her back to the door while sitting in her desk chair with her head down slightly, like she was staring at a spot on the carpeted floor. She looked as though she was a million miles away. Once she heard the door though she looked over her shoulder, curious. Cal stood opposite her desk with his eyebrows raised, silently asking if this was a good time.

"What's up?" Gillian queried softly. Her desk was in front of the outside windows. There was only one solid wall to the right of where she sat and the remaining sides of the square were more glass. She liked the openness, the brightness of the room. A reflection of her personality, Cal thought, when they had finally moved in six months ago.

"I could ask you that," he answered her.

Gillian watched him impassively but didn't respond. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Cal walked around the desk, taking the long route, and perched near where she was sitting. Her desk was tidy, unlike his; a stack of papers on the right, folders on the left, the computer behind those, a cup holding pens, a black photo frame of her husband Alec. Cal tilted his head to see her face. "You all right, luv?" He asked concerned. She had been quiet all day, keeping to herself and hiding away in her office instead of roaming around like she usually did.

"I'm fine."

"Lie-a," Cal accused gently in his London accent, using the same tone of voice Gillian used when she was charging him with the same crime. She had shrugged her shoulder, an involuntary sign that she had no faith in her own words. Gillian forced a smile that didn't get close to reaching her eyes. "Wanna talk?"

Gillian gave a slight shake of her head as she opened her mouth to respond but was stopped by the sudden tears welling up in her eyes. Her eyelids fluttered quickly, an indication that she was thinking about something. Her cheeks and nose slowly turned red and she looked up and to the left, away from Cal, to try and stop the tears from overflowing silently.

"Hey, hey, hey," Cal said gently, worrying about her more, as he got to his feet to step closer. He placed a hand on her bare shoulder; her skin was warm under his touch. Gillian got to her feet slowly, giving every warning of her movement so he could object before she put her arms around his shoulders. Cal placed his arms around her back and held her closely. He wasn't in the slightest bothered that she wanted a hug. He rubbed her back while making soothing noises and feeling useless for not be able to comfort her in a much more meaningful way. It wasn't often that she reached out for his comfort and he wanted to do a good job of it with the opportunity. "Is there anythin' I can do for you?" He asked softly when they pulled away.

"No," Gillian wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands and sniffed lightly. She reached for a tissue from the box on her desk, the one next to the photo.

"You need somewhere to stay?" He knew her well enough to guess she was upset about her recent separation. He had only seen her cry over two subjects: her failed attempt at having children and now her husband Alec (and crying over a particularly emotional case didn't count).

"You don't have a spare room," Gillian pointed out, wiping her nose delicately.

"Nah, but I have a couch."

Gillian gave him a slight frown.

"That I can sleep on," Cal finished. "You're welcome to my room."

"I'm not going to kick you out of your room."

"Nah, I'm volunteerin'," Cal flickered a ghost of his charm smile. "You'd be quite welcome. Emily's gone away on camp so I'm by myself for a bit."

Gillian gave him another attempt at a smile. "Thanks but I really think I should be on my own for awhile."

"Course," Cal quickly conceded even if he didn't agree with her. He studied her carefully again, checking to see if she was displaying signs of other emotions. He wondered if she had even moved out of the house yet. She said she was going to but following through with something like that was always harder to actually do. "Is there anythin' else I can do? Besides the hug?"

Gillian gave a short laugh and looked pleased for a second. "No, just the hug at this point. Thank you." She said it genuinely.

"You sure? Cos I'm a hell of a listena," Cal backed up slowly towards the door. "I have a qualification."

"I'll keep that in mind," Gillian responded.

"All right," Cal reached the door and pulled it open. He walked through it and quickly out of sight with his usual over confident stride, but he still looked back over his shoulder thoughtfully as he headed up the corridor and away from Gillian's office. Maybe, he should have insisted.

**PJ**

Gillian walked past Cal's office on her way back from the copy room. Copying was something Cal's assistant Heidi could do, but which allowed Gillian the chance to go for a walk, get up from her desk, take a break, clear her head a bit. She would be re-focused when she got back to her office. She trod her usual route through the building, doing a bit of a loop, checking in on people, and she glanced around at the high ceilinged hallway walls as she went. She smiled at one of the research assistants as they passed each other. She wasn't purposefully searching him out, but she also glanced in the direction of Cal's office and inadvertently saw him in a heated discussion with Zoe through the double sliding doors of his study. Both sets were open, the only way to see into his sanctum because he had designed a private office without glass doors and walls. They were gesticulating at each other, Cal and his ex-wife.

Gillian quickly looked away and hoped she wouldn't be noticed by him as she hurried her pace. Her embarrassment converted to intrigue. Cal and his ex-wife argued a lot, but the subject matter always made Gillian feel nosey. What was it this time? Work? Their daughter? Their marriage? Those were the usual suspects. But there was always room for something else. They tended to bicker over just about anything. Interestingly, it was never over the traditional politics, religion or money.

Gillian headed through the reception area on the way back to her office, past the light brown wooden sweeping desk with the company name emblazoned on the wall behind it, and spotted Emily sitting there with her head down, playing with a ring on her finger. On the black leather seat beside her was a black backpack with a bright red cherry hanging from the zipper. She had her green combat-style jacket on, not in her arms, clearly waiting for either one of her parents. Gillian approached. "Hi Emily. How are you?"

Emily looked up with the similar wide eyes of her father, except hers were brown like her mothers. She forced a smile. "I'm fine, thank you," she answered politely.

Gillian tilted her head to indicate the backpack. "Are you waiting for your Dad?" She guessed.

"Yeah, he's _talking_ with my Mom," Emily muttered looking at her hands again.

"I saw," Gillian admitted. She perched on the edge of a seat to the left of where Emily was sitting. "Everything ok?"

Emily shrugged. "They usually argue."

"I meant with you."

Emily gave another wide-eyed expression. "I'm fine."

"I know we don't normally hang out often, but if you want to talk sometime I'm pretty good at listening."

She had spent a lot of time with Emily, knowing the teenager since she was just seven, but they didn't exactly spend time together alone. Interactions were usually in the presence of her father and that had always inadvertently restricted conversation. It was hard to talk about someone when they were in the room. Sometimes Emily sought Gillian out in her office and in those times she revealed more of her inner fears and thoughts, but those instances were always cut short, not enough time to get into anything deep.

"Is that the shrink offering?" Emily attempted a joke.

Gillian smiled easily. She crossed her legs at the knee, leaning forward like Emily was. "No, that's me volunteering to be a friend. If you need one that is."

"You can never have too many friends right?"

Gillian nodded, "Yeah something like that."

Emily perked up a little, a smile on her lips. For a moment they could hear a muffled male voice down the corridor and both turn towards the sound. Emily went back to looking dejected. "I don't know why they keep going back to each other. They don't even remember how bad it got. Mom has Roger now. He makes her happy. It's like neither of them can remember that for two minutes in each other's presence."

Gillian took a moment to think about a response to that. They had had a similar conversation to this one a few months ago and she didn't have any good advice back then either. She kind of agreed with the young woman though, she hated that Cal always went back to Zoe too. Zoe clicked her fingers and Cal jumped. He would jump off a bridge if Zoe implied it was a good idea. Either that or he would do it to spite her. Or prove that he was god, and could jump and survive it; just to make a point.

"I'm sure they'll work it out," Gillian offered softly, distracted by suddenly remembering something else Emily had said a few months ago during that conversation.

"They just can't seem to move on from each other," Emily complained again with a force in her voice that emphasised her displeasure. "It's so stupid. They're going to ruin everything."

Cal suddenly approached, rounding the corner with his purposeful, wide-legged, confident stride. His face was, as always, impassive. "All right luv?"

"Yeah," Emily got up and slung her backpack over her shoulder.

Cal looked to Gillian who got to her feet too. "We were just catching up," she explained to his silent question, forcing a smile she knew he wouldn't believe anyway. Maybe she would tell him later. He would probably just dismiss what she had to say. Emily was _his_ daughter after all.

Then Zoe approached. Gillian felt awkward. Cal looked agitated. Zoe pretended that nothing was going on and Emily stood in the middle of all three adults looking as though she wanted to escape down a rabbit hole.

"Have a good weekend sweetheart," Zoe gave Emily a hug around the shoulders, then stepped back. "Gillian," she gave her a curt nod.

"Zoe," Gillian acknowledged just as coolly.

"Well I'll see you later," Zoe announced breezily to the ensemble, not looking at anyone in particular and stalked away to the elevators. They fortuitously, and almost immediately, pinged open.

Gillian gave Cal a pointed expression, silently asking if everything was ok but he purposefully ignored her. He placed a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "Ready to go luv?"

Emily glanced up at him and gave a tight smile in a 'yes' response. Cal directed her toward the exit while briefly glancing again at Gillian who carefully watched him go, trying to read more into his demeanour than he would allow her to see.

**PJ**

Monday morning, Gillian entered Cal's office to say hello. It was empty and she was turning to leave again when she heard noise from the small room adjacent, his little study. She approached and leaned into the space where all his research books were kept. Most of them were up on a mezzanine level while the lower level contained couches for reading. "Good morning Cal," she offered.

"Mornin' Fosta," Cal responded absently. He was standing next to a shelf on the ground floor, a book open in his hands and his dark-framed reading glasses on. He was studying a page intently.

"Everything ok?"

Cal looked up, peering at her through the lenses. "Yeah. Why wouldn't they be?"

Gillian gave him an 'are you serious expression?' "You and Zoë?"

"What about her?" Cal asked suspiciously.

"You seemed to be having a very heated discussion on Friday."

Cal narrowed his eyes at her slightly. "You spyin' on me?" He asked lightly. The lesser of the two questions. She had expected him to ask how it was any of her business.

"Not when you're yelling loud enough to be heard through the building." She came into the room and leaned against the stair case, the angle of which was steep enough for her to still remain upright.

Cal took his glasses off. "We're just goin' through an adjustment period."

"Because she's getting married?" Gillian observed pointedly.

Cal watched her face for a moment. His tone hardened. "What are you implyin'?"

"Nothing," she answered innocently. She paused for a second and then straightened up on her feet.

Cal pointed his glasses at her and approached slowly cutting off her exit. "Nah, there's somethin'…" he watched her face, blue eyes darting back and forth. "You got somethin' to say to me?"

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression and tried to move away. "I'm staying out of it."

"I saw that," Cal suddenly pounced. He stepped even closer to her. "Disapproval." He narrowed his eyes as he studied her some more. Then he looked amused. "What do you know that you don't want me to about Zoë?"

"I know that you've been spending a lot of time with your _ex-wife_. And I know that she's _engaged_ to another man."

Cal looked suddenly like a busted school boy and then he was annoyed. "I thought you were stayin' out of it?"

"I am," Gillian agreed but she had clearly stumbled upon something. "But I will say this for your sake. Zoe has a way of hurting you spectacularly every time she swings back into your life. It's just, you're not the only one who will get hurt this time. Just think about that ok?" She pushed past him and started walking away.

"What do you mean?" Cal turned quickly and followed her. He caught up to her at the door leading back to his office. "_Who_ do you mean?" He studied her face. "You mean Emily? What about her? Did she say somethin' to you?" He looked concerned.

"She's not a little girl anymore Cal. She's pretty astute. She takes after you a lot more than you think. She _sees_ a lot more than you think," Gillian told him gently.

Cal seemed surprised by this revelation and put two and two together. "What did Emily say to you? Or is that unda docta/patient confidentiality?" He was being facetious.

Gillian gave him a disparaging shake of her head. She had one hand on the door handle. "We were just talking. She wants you to be happy."

"I am happy."

Gillian gave him an amused disbelieving expression, a slight smirk and a shake of her head. "Not even I believed that one." She slipped out of the doorway and walked away. Cal was left to watch her leave.

**PJ**

Cal tapped on Emily's doorframe then entered the room. She was on the bed reading from a binder that was propped up on her knees. Her room was painted a medium green, not something she had picked out specifically, but she had chosen this room in particular because it was in the front of the house and furthest away from her father.

"You're supposed to wait for me to respond," Emily admonished him.

"The door was open," he pointed out taking a seat at her desk opposite the door and swivelling the chair to face the bed. "I wanna talk to you about somethin'."

"Ok," Emily agreed and gave him her attention. She straightened her legs, letting the binder rest open on them.

"It's about your Mum and me."

"What about you guys?" Emily asked.

Cal got up and moved to the bed. He placed a hand on her ankle affectionately. "I just wanted you to know that we both care about you more than anythin' and that you're always the most important thing in our lives."

"I know that Dad," Emily responded as though she's heard it all before.

"I just wanted to remind you about that. And your Mum and I have been spendin' some time togetha recently because of work. But we don't fight about you or our family. It's just work related stuff." He hesitated over the last few words, realised he was doing it and hoped Emily didn't pick up on it. Hesitations were signs of deceptions. He was lying. But he didn't want her to know that.

Emily looked awkward as she said, "I just don't want you guys to ruin what we have."

"What do we have luv?"

"Neutrality."

"Neutrality?" Cal repeated with a short curious laugh.

"Yeah," Emily continued seriously. "You guys saw each other briefly sometimes when you'd drop me off or whatever and you were civil and it was fine. And then you worked a case together and suddenly thought that was a good idea. We had reached this silent agreement about how much time you spent together and it was working fine and now it's all out the window."

Cal watched his daughter carefully and saw the genuine concern and sadness in her face. He rubbed her leg as he remembered Gillian warned him about the same thing too. It suddenly struck Cal that Emily was talking about the much more _personal_ relationship he'd developed with Zoë. Re-developed. "It's ok," he said softly. "Your Mum's gettin' married and we're busy at work so…"

"You're not going to see her anymore?"

The hope in her voice was not missed. "We'll probably go back to the pre-agreed neutrality," he assured her.

"I know you're sad about Mom getting remarried but it's the best thing for both of you," Emily insisted.

"Yeah you might be right luv," Cal agreed dejectedly. He got up and pointed to her binder. "Go back to your readin'."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey."

It wasn't a greeting, it was to get her attention. Gillian looked up to see Cal leaning around her office doorframe.

"Come here a sec."

"What for?" Gillian asked neutrally, getting up.

"I want you to do me a fave-a."

"What kind of favour?" Gillian asked keeping her tone even.

Cal took her elbow and gently led her down the corridor. He seemed agitated. "I want you to talk to someone."

"Who?" Gillian asked immediately, her curiosity now causing her to be cautious. If this was about a case, he wouldn't be so cagey.

"I want you to talk to Dan."

"Emily's Dan?" Gillian guessed. "He's here?" They reached a corner in the hallway and she gently pulled her arm free from his grasp and stopped walking. If she had known this in the first place she wouldn't have even bothered getting up from her desk. Cal also stopped moving.

"Yeah, he's here to take her out somewhere."

"Why do you want me to talk to him?" Gillian's curiousness passed into light suspicion.

"I just want you to talk to him and see if you notice anythin'."

"Anything in particular?"

"No, just anythin' that's sort of off," Cal gestured while he responded, trying too hard to be nonchalant. He rocked back and forth on his feet, a manifestation of his inability to really be still.

"You want me to spy on them for you?" Gillian asked incredulously.

"It's not spyin'," Cal dismissed. He took Gillian's arm again, ready to guide her along the corridor again.

Gillian immediately pulled her arm smoothly out of his grip. "Cal, I am not going to spy on your daughter's boyfriend for you."

"It's not spyin'," Cal insisted.

"I'm not getting involved."

"You said you wanted to meet him sometime."

"Yeah, sometime when I happen to come across him in a corridor; naturally, under normal circumstances. Sometime that isn't now. I don't need a set up."

"Well just happen to walk by him now and say hello." Cal gestured with his head, trying to encourage her. "And then maybe have a casual convasation."

Gillian gave him a slight frown. "Why don't you just talk to him yourself if you're so concerned?"

"I'm banned."

"You're what?"

"I'm banned from talkin' to him."

Gillian gave a short laugh. "Emily forbade you from talking to her boyfriend? At all?"

"Just for a little while," Cal admitted.

"When did this happen?"

"A few weeks ago."

Gillian was in the middle of grinning at him, highly amused, when Cal gave her a gentle shunt around the corner, catching her while she was off guard. She found herself suddenly in the waiting room and confronted with Dan standing there, surrounded by black leather chairs, looking anxious. He was in jeans and a white shirt underneath a black sports jacket. Cal had promptly disappeared and for a second Gillian hesitated, but Dan looked up and noticed her, so she smiled and stepped forward with little faltering in her stride, as if that was the direction she had intended to head in all along. "You must be Dan. I'm Gillian Foster."

Recognition hit him and he gave a nod and a forced smile. "Doctor Foster. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you Dan. I've heard a lot about you."

Dan's smile faltered for a second.

"Emily talks about you," Gillian clarified. "Only good things, I promise." He had black hair and grey eyes and fair skin. He was a good looking young man. Gillian could see why Emily was attracted to him.

The smile widened and he looked happy. His chin tilted up slightly, a sign of pride.

"Are you here to meet Emily?" Gillian continued.

"Yeah, she's just getting her jacket from her Dad's office," Dan pointed in the direction down the corridor.

"What are your plans?" Gillian asked casually.

"Probably lunch and a movie. We keep things relatively relaxed."

Gillian gave him a warm smile. "That's always nice, to keep it fresh."

Dan nodded, more confident, and then Emily approached. She looked suspicious for a moment but Gillian quickly noted, "It was nice to meet you Dan. You guys have a good time," and went to move away but not before she saw Emily relax.

"You too Doctor Foster," Dan blurted as Gillian walked away. She purposefully headed in the direction opposite to Cal's office, toward one of the conference rooms, especially while the teenagers were watching her go. She saw Cal sitting in one of the rooms so opened the door and strolled in. She didn't see him sneak around.

He got to his feet. "Well?"

"Well what?" Gillian asked.

"Did he seem different to you?"

Cal stood too close, studying her face, but Gillian kept her cool and brushed past him. "Different to what?"

"To how he normally is?"

"How would I know how he normally is? I just met him."

"Did he seem different compared to normal people?"

"Right now, _you_ seem different compared with normal people. What's going on?"

"I hope nothin's goin' on." Cal looked at the door.

"Is this about them having sex again? Because it's going to happen eventually you know and you _can't_ control that."

"No, no, no," Cal dismissed turning his attention back to her. "I know they're not sleepin' togetha."

"Care to shed some light on what this is about then?"

"In your professional opinion, did he seem like he was hidin' somethin'?"

Gillian thought for a second then answered, "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I didn't see any indicators of deception," Gillian insisted. Not that she had been looking for them. "Are you questioning my professional ability?"

"Course not," Cal denied, feigning offence of his own.

Gillian placed a hand on Cal's shoulder and forced him into a seat. She sat opposite him and they stared at each other for a moment. "What is going on with you? You're hyperactive and focusing too intensely on things. You're _obsessing_. And I'm sure that's the third day in a row that you've worn that shirt."

"I have loads of shirts in this colour."

"No I can tell because the thread is coming loose here around the button," Gillian placed a hand on his chest to show what she was talking about.

Cal looked down at it, almost as though he was amazed to see the button hole there in the first place.

"And you're harassing your daughter's boyfriend to the point where you're no longer trusted to be around him. I'm impressed you're even upholding that request at this point. So what's going on?"

"Nothin's goin' on."

Gillian gave him a sly smile. She saw the lie and when she reacted like that Cal knew that she had seen it. He avoided her eye but she held an open expression for a while and finally Cal caved, his features fell.

"Zoe's gettin' married."

Gillian watched him for a moment. "I know," she noted gently. She gave him a concerned expression. "You need to talk?"

"Nah I don't wanna talk," Cal answered dismissively. He got to his feet and fidgeted with the loose thread on his shirt, tugging at it.

Gillian followed him to her feet. "Well you know where I am if you want to."

"Yeah," Cal answered as Torres opened the conference room door. She seemed surprised to see them both standing there. "What?" He asked her abrasively.

"I was just coming to tell you Mrs Schmidt is here."

**PJ**

Cal entered Gillian's office without knocking. He had misplaced the Jensen file and was sure he had last seen her with it. She tended to colour code things and he knew they only had one red folder they were working on at the moment. He was pretty sure he had seen his business partner walking around with one a few hours ago. Otherwise he had no idea where he'd left it. Gillian was hanging up her cell phone in tears, her cheeks were red and when she noticed him there watching her, she seemed embarrassed.

"What's goin' on?" Cal asked immediately concerned. Again the rule applied: she cried over two things, children and Alec.

Gillian moved around the desk to keep her distance from him and wiped her cheeks with both hands. She forced an optimistic expression on her face. "Nothing's going on."

"I can see that's not true," Cal stepped closer.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," Gillian warned him.

"All right," Cal responded. He didn't leave though and hovered for a moment. "Are you all right though?"

Gillian looked up to see his concerned expression. "I'm fine ok?"

Cal pointed with his right hand. "That's also not true."

"Just give me a minute," Gillian insisted.

"All right," Cal conceded and started to back up towards the door. "You know where I am..."

"Yeah," Gillian agreed abruptly. "I know where you are."

Cal hesitated once more and then walked away. Half way back to his office he remembered he didn't get that file.

**PJ**

Cal stood at his desk on the phone, but he wasn't talking so he was either on hold or he was listening to it ring. Gillian walked through his open office door breezily, in a much better mood, then noticed the receiver cradled against his chin and slowed her pace in hesitation. Cal looked up, saw her and hung up the phone immediately with a clack against the cradle. "What's up luv?"

"Nothing in particular. I can come back when you're not busy," she answered unperturbed, gesturing towards the phone on his desk and beginning to back away.

Cal indicated a chair in front of his desk. "I'm not busy. Have a seat."

Gillian looked at it and then decided to take a seat on one of the couches against the wall. Cal watched her for a moment and then strolled around his desk and took a seat next to her. "What's up luv?"

Gillian looked up. There was a hint of tears in her eyes but mostly she looked resigned. "Alec and I have decided to get divorced. That's why I was upset earlier."

Cal looked stunned for a second. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah," Gillian looked away disappointed.

"I thought you were talkin', workin' things out?"

Gillian sighed. "No, I was talking. Alec wasn't talking," she explained.

Cal blinked at this with a neutral expression. "I thought you guys would get through anythin'. You two neva fought."

"Not every marriage explodes like yours did. Sometimes they just implode."

"That's a good analogy. I might use it."

Gillian gave a hint of a pleased smile. "So long as you reference the source."

"You know, you don't have to be here right now if you don't wanna. Take a few days off, sort things out. Take some time."

"Thanks Cal, but I really need to be here. I'd go stir crazy sitting at home all day by myself just thinking about it."

Cal nodded. "Is there anythin' else I can do for you luv?"

"No." Gillian placed a hand on his knee. "You're a good friend though, thanks."

"I wish I could do more for you. I hate seein' you so hurt."

Gillian gave him a tight smile.

"Was it about the drugs?" Cal couldn't help himself. He searched her expression as he asked the question.

Gillian watched him looking for the truth she didn't want to voice. "Remember we talked about the line?"

Cal continued to watch her intently, searching for the answer. "Right," he agreed without expression. "The line. Sorry."

The line had been about creating boundaries between them so some things could remain private. If she or Cal saw something to do with spouses or anything else that was labelled as private, they were to leave it alone, not question each other on it, especially in light of being able to detect lies easily. The subject was out of bounds, unless the other person brought it up.

Gillian watched his face carefully. Then she gave an inaudible sigh. She knew it would tear him up inside until he found out. And if he didn't hear it from her there was a good chance he'd go behind her back. Not with a malicious intention, that was just his way. He always had to know. "It was. But it was my own fault."

"That's not true," Cal interjected.

Gillian gave a rueful smile. "I gave him an ultimatum of sorts," she revealed. "I thought he would stop for me, you know? I thought I would be enough or that he would fight for me. Maybe on some level the cocaine's more important."

"That is definitely not true," Cal pointed out passionately.

"Maybe he just doesn't want me around to ruin his fun anymore."

"He's ashamed," Cal interrupted. "He's ashamed that he can't live up to the kind of husband that you deserve. You know that. It's not about you. It's about him. With addict's it always is. And you can't do anythin' about that."

"Neither can you," Gillian pointed out gently.

Cal gave a frown in response to that. Then added: "He made his choice Gill."

"I know," she agreed readily. "He made his choice. I made my choice. And we ended up at divorce. I guess that's how it goes."

"I'm sorry about that," Cal repeated.

"You never liked him," Gillian accused gently looking him square in the eye.

Cal looked surprised for a second then tried to hide it. "That's not true. I didn't know him very well."

"Because you never _got_ to know him."

"That's because I neva really liked him," Cal admitted.

Gillian's wasn't sure whether she should laugh or not. She gave an impatient sigh and looked away.

"I just figa-ed you deserved someone betta."

"Better than Alec?" Gillian turned to him again.

"Yeah," Cal agreed with his careful frown. He watched her face, gauging her reactions.

"Someone like you?"

Cal looked stunned for a second, then began to object and was interrupted by Torres at the door. "What?" He asked her rudely. The second ill-timed interruption on an important private conversation in one week.

"Everything ok?" Torres asked reading the situation easily.

Gillian was already on her feet and heading towards the office door. "Everything's fine," she answered with her easy smile and left.


	3. Chapter 3

"Got a case for you," Reynolds strode into Cal's office.

"What is it?" Cal asked uninterested. The solitaire game on the computer screen was much more appealing.

"Missing person."

"Put it on the pile," Cal waved absently at the haphazardly stacked folders on the corner of his desk that served as his in-box. His office was bigger than Gillian's, which wasn't about prestige at all, so it took Reynolds longer to cross it. Cal had the room designed to hold his extensive research library, which wasn't just about books, and what Gillian called his 'clutter'. Three of the four walls were solid plaster for privacy. The windows behind him were floor to ceiling. He had the little side room to store more books and sometimes hide in when he wasn't in the mood for being somewhat pleasant. His couches were white, the desk steel and glass. On the walls were photographs of facial expressions and a big cork board with various notes and sheets of paper pinned up. Dotted around on table tops were statues from his world travels. Opposite the desk, mounted on the wall, were fertility masks from Papa New Guinea.

"Nope, this comes from the Deputy Director." Reynolds crammed the file under his nose. "Top priority."

Cal snatched it irritably. He was not in the mood for a missing person and definitely not for compulsory FBI cases. This was a rare moment in which he regretted signing that contract, even if it did mean more money for The Lightman Group and having protection around for those cases where psycho's tended to try and hurt or kidnap Foster.

"Senator Robinson's ten year old daughter never returned home from school yesterday."

Ok, a child missing. Cal's interest ratcheted up. He opened the folder. "How long until they realised she was missin'?"

"The mother called the Senator an hour after she expected their daughter home. He told her to sit tight, made a few phone calls to friends to see if anyone had seen her. By the time he got home she was still a no show. They called the police…"

"And then they had to wait for all the official bullshit." Cal looked up in time to see Reynolds press his lips together in annoyance. He grinned. "So how long from when she was last seen by teachas until an amba alert actually went out to the public?"

"Four hours."

Cal got up. "That's enough time for a pervert to cross a state borda, or for her to get hit by a truck, drown in a ditch, choke on a lollie, get lost, chase a puppy…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Reynolds cut in. "Can we waste time criticising the police procedural system later? Right now I have a Senator's missing ten year old girl to find. We fly out in an hour."

"Fly where?"

"Charleston."

"South Carolina Charleston or Charleston, West Virginia?"

"West Virginia," Reynolds answered over his shoulder as he strode out of the office.

**PJ**

Cal went home, packed a bag and then drove back to the office. Foster called to see where he was and he explained he was going out of town. After that information she sounded a little strange but she told him to be careful and that she was on her cell if he needed her. She always said that and it was reassuring, even if it was a common phrase, to know that she was right there if he needed her. Reynolds had someone pick Cal up from work in a black General Motors SUV, or a wank-fest as Cal liked to call them. There was absolutely no need for a sports utility vehicle in a city, especially if it was being used as a work vehicle. Not unless someone's work was hauling around sports gear, and maybe then a flatbed truck or a van would be more appropriate.

Reynolds was already waiting for Cal on a private plane. There were three other agents finding their seats, and boxes of information were on a few of the tables. Cal slung himself into a chair opposite where Reynolds was already working. He slouched low. "Can you put my bag in the overhead?" Cal asked another agent who was close by; it was more of a direction than a request. A young white man, who was wearing a light beige suit and a red tie and with the holster of a gun visible under the suit jacket. He hesitated for a second and then complied.

"You'll have to put your own seatbelt on though," Reynolds commented without looking up. Cal smirked to himself.

They were in the air fifteen minutes later and landing shortly after that. They went straight to the Senator's house. Reynolds's minions found themselves something to keep busy which left Cal to glance around the house casually, while he actually scrutinised every detail. Wealthy. In everything from décor, to furniture, to the hired help Cal noticed hovering in the other room. The Senator and his wife were sitting on a couch in the middle of all the hubbub.

"Want to talk to the Robinson's first?" Reynolds asked.

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

Reynolds made the introductions; they were thanked for coming out, and were asked to sit on the floral print couch opposite. Cal started studying their faces. The mother was avoiding his eye, the father held Reynolds's stoically. Interesting. They sat in silence for awhile, the background noise buzzing away unperturbed. Reynolds glanced at Cal. "Are you going…?"

"Go ahead," Cal interrupted him.

Reynolds hesitated and then leaned forward. He expressed their sympathy for the Senator and his wife's predicament and then started a delicate questioning. Cal just watched. For the most part, the father remained calm but there was a flare of anger when Reynolds questioned their decision to let the daughter walk home alone. And the mother in general showed sadness but her eyelid flutter and cheek flex indicated she had something else she didn't want to say. They got information about normal behavioural patterns, the usual route home, expected timetables of their daughter's day, all the usual questions police investigators would ask. There wasn't a lot there for Cal to work on. What he needed was a partner in crime. He thought then about calling Foster and asking her to come. Eventually he was going to have to start asking the hard questions and she always managed to soften the blow; she was the good cop to his bad cop.

**PJ**

Missing children were always a priority, the fact that Chrys was a Senator's daughter helped to throw an even bigger spotlight on the situation. And that meant more pressure for the investigators working the case from the guy who ran to get coffee, to the woman manning the phones in case a ransom was called in, to Reynolds who was by no means the lead on the case, more of a liaison between the human lie detector, Cal, who was expected to start performing miracles. But there wasn't a lot to go on and even after interrogating, firstly the Senator himself, which just angered the man, and then his wife, which angered him even more, Cal couldn't come up with answers. That they were both hiding something was a definite but Cal was sure their secrets had nothing to do with the case. The mother was seeing someone on the side, the father was drinking too much. The boyfriend was tracked down and questioned but he knew little. They always met in secret, he had never met Chrys, never even seen her picture. And he didn't care for the Senator either way. So revenge was not part of the equation. Going through all the people the Senator had encountered in his career was being taken care of by FBI lackeys, which Cal found frustrating, because his people were trained to look for different key markers. The FBI could quite easily skip over something significant and it would take up precious time to go back and check again. After a day and a half Cal was getting nowhere and he was not exactly endearing himself either. So he called Gillian.

"How come she got a choppa?"

"There wasn't a plane available."

"That seems a little unfair," Cal complained lightly.

Reynolds fixed him with his best unimpressed expression. Even under dark glasses Cal could feel his glare. Why Reynolds had insisted on coming to meet Foster too Cal wasn't sure, but there was something in his expression Cal didn't like. They stood and watched Foster disembark, looking ever the calm, unruffled professional. She was in dark grey trousers and a white shirt. She looked like she had stepped out of the office for a few hours, not been on a helicopter for two and a half hours. Her light hair blew about in the breeze of the rotor blades. When she got closer it was apparent she was paler than normal.

"All right Fosta?"

"Yeah, just feel a little queezy."

"Motion sickness?" Reynolds asked.

"I think so yeah," Foster answered with a slight resigned smile.

Cal watched both of them, catching both of their expressions. He felt a shock of realisation. "All right to work luv?"

"Of course," she answered indignantly.

"Then let's go," Reynolds turned to lead the way back to the large black SUV. Gillian followed and Cal fell into step with her. Another FBI lackey was carrying her luggage. Cal couldn't decide whether he liked having someone run around after them or whether it was demeaning for that person.

Reynolds wanted to go back to the Senators house for more questioning but Cal insisted that Foster at least get the chance to freshen up. So they went to the hotel and Gillian checked in. Cal also insisted on carrying her luggage upstairs himself, to which she raised nothing but an eyebrow. Reynolds huffed but told them he wouldn't be waiting.

"We'll catch you up," Cal told him in a reassuring light tone. As soon as they were in the elevator Gillian turned to her business partner.

"We're not catching him up are we?"

"Nope."

"What are we doing instead?"

"We are gonna get you updated and then we're gonna work on my theory."

"Oh," Gillian faced the front of the car again. "The theory no one else wants to listen to." Cal didn't answer. "What's Reynolds's theory?"

"That it's the wife's boyfriend or someone the Senata pissed off who wants to get back at him."

"How long has the girl been missing now?"

"Three days."

Gillian was quiet for a moment. "Have they considered?"

"Nope," Cal cut her off. The elevator car stopped, the doors pinged open. "They refuse to," he said as he stepped out and strode down the hallway. Gillian followed after him. He stood outside her door waiting impatiently for her to catch up.

"And what's your theory?"

"That it's not the boyfriend or someone out for revenge."

"Which leaves?" Gillian unlocked the door and pushed it open.

"A chance happenin'."

"Which would make this a case for the police alone. Why are we still involved?"

"There are still people to talk to that they're ignorin' cos they're so bloody minded." Cal dumped her bag on the bed.

"Hey," she objected.

"Sorry," Cal apologised absently.

Gillian gave him a slight smile. "Are you a little bit frustrated?"

Cal stared at her, his neutral 'I'm-not-rising-to-the-bait' expression. Gillian smirked some more and unzipped her bag. She dug around inside and produced a brush that she began to run through her hair. "So who do you want to talk to?"

"The school. The teachas. They were the last to see her. Or her friends. Where do you wanna start?"

"You could have done this on your own," Gillian pointed out.

"Thought you might enjoy a choppa ride on your government."

"Your government too now," Gillian used the hairbrush to point at him. She found a make-up bag next and went to the mirror.

"I need you to ask the questions. The right questions."

Gillian didn't verbally answer but her expression said 'ohhh'. She reapplied lipstick and some sort of powdered foundation. Cal watched her carefully. She seemed ok. The colour was back in her cheeks but more importantly she didn't seem upset. In general, she didn't seem upset. Cal couldn't help but think about her divorce. Had she started the process yet? She had filed a change of address with Heidi their assistant/administrator extraordinaire, so Cal knew for sure she had definitely moved out now.

"Cal?"

He looked up. "Yeah?"

"Do you want to go now or later?" She smiled a teasing grin.

Cal didn't answer her but strode for the door and didn't wait to see if she was keeping up.

**PJ**

"Yes I walked Chrysanthemum to the gate. We were discussing her homework assignment and I was leaving early for a doctor's appointment."

Cal checked the eyes, forehead, lips and jaw of the woman standing in front of him. No twitches, flinches, quivers. The truth.

"And then you went separate ways."

"Yes she walks home, usually in a group. They headed west. I went east to the parking lot."

Cal was always fascinated with the way American's noted directions by a compass. Not 'I went right, she went left'. They were more orientated than Muslims praying to Mecca.

"And you didn't see her after that?"

Cal stared carefully. The woman was unnerved, he could tell that, because she kept glancing at him and she was clutching a tissue in her hand tightly. Her nose was red, her eyes watery, an indication that she had a cold, not that she was trying to deceive them. But this was the crucial question.

"No. She disappeared into the crowd and I went to my car."

"You tell this to the FBI?" Cal cut in.

"The FBI?" Now she looked alarmed. "No I told the police."

"You haven't talked to the FBI?" Foster asked concerned.

"No, no one from the FBI."

"All right," Cal turned away and started heading into the classroom where Chrysanthemum's friends were waiting for him to talk to them too. He heard Gillian thank Mrs Flack behind him, then the click of her hurried heels on linoleum floor as she caught up to him again.

Gillian was always good with children and so Cal took a seat in front of the semicircle and kept to his silent treatment. He was only good at playing the bad cop when it was appropriate. Gillian carefully asked the questions, he checked the answers on their faces. Not one of them had any clue what was going on. They just knew their friend was gone and aside from having some entertaining theories on where she had gone, none of them had seen her after they had reached the corner of the street where they went their separate ways.

"So she had gotten within a block of the house," Gillian concluded.

"What I'm interested in knowin' is why the FBI are disregardin' these witnesses," Cal countered.

"Why don't you ask Reynolds?"

"Why don't you?" Cal suggested.

Gillian studied him for a second. "What does that mean?"

"Nothin'," Cal gave a nonchalant shrug. Gillian gave him a frown and opened her mouth to object but Cal cut her off by walking away.

**PJ**

"What if it was just a chance kidnapping?" Gillian theorised. "She could have started walking down the street and someone could have just picked her up in their car. Just an opportunist."

"They would've had to have coaxed her though," Cal gestured to the traffic. They were sitting in the rented Ford, on the corner where Chrys's friends had left her to walk down the block to her house. The traffic wasn't bumper to bumper but it was heavy enough that a car passed by consistently every half minute. "I don't think a screamin' ten year old would've gone completely unnoticed."

Gillian peered through the windscreen thinking. "Maybe she knew them."

"Want to widen the search to extended family, family friends?"

"I'm sure Reynolds already covered that."

"You have a lot of faith in him," Cal baited.

"You don't seem to," Gillian turned to him curiously.

Cal held her gaze.

"Did something happen with you and Reynolds?"

"Nope not at all. How about you? Somethin' happen with you and Reynolds?"

"What does that mean?" Gillian asked confused again. "Why are you asking me about this?"

"What if we're lookin' at the wrong kind of traffic," Cal ignored her. He reached for the key in the ignition. Gillian looked out the windscreen again and clicked. She reached for her seatbelt as Cal pulled away from the curb.

**PJ**

Cal sat in an interrogation room painted white. If he had a hangover this room would have completely traumatised him. It was too stark, too sterile, too obvious that there were people watching from behind the mirror. He sat next to Reynolds. Foster was behind the glass. In front of him sat an eighteen year old boy from the high school on Fifteenth Street. He was scared, that much was already apparent and out of the three groups Cal and Foster had screened earlier that morning he was the only one to show extreme anxiety and suspicious behaviour. His parents had been informed that he had been brought in for questioning but he was eighteen, legally an adult and so not essentially required to have someone sit in with him. Gillian had asked Cal to wait for his parents to get there but Cal had refused, not to be callous, but because a ten year old girls' life was more important right now than the boys' legal rights. And Gillian had caved on that, even if it was reluctantly.

"You walk through that intersection everyday on your way home," Reynolds pointed out to the boy carefully. "I just want to know if you saw her."

"There are heaps of kids there," he mumbled in response.

Which was true but it was also an evasion. He wasn't answering the question on purpose.

"He knows somethin'," Cal spoke up.

"My lie detector is telling me you're not being entirely honest," Reynolds pointed out in the tone of voice that said he was rapidly losing his patience. "Look again," he shoved the picture of Chrys closer. "Have you seen this girl?"

"No."

The boy's voice wavered, he fidgeted with his watch, and his left shoulder rose slightly before dropping back into place.

"Now that is a lie," Cal pounced.

"I see her walking home."

"You know Bryan, you're not instilling a sense of trust in me. I think you know this girl."

His eyes widened in shock. "I don't!" Unfortunately he held the surprised expression for too long.

"Also a lie."

"How do you know her," Reynolds pressed. "You talk to her?"

"I said hello to her once."

Bryan's eye lids fluttered.

"You said more than that," Cal supplied dutifully. His instincts were screaming out but he had to keep his tongue. There was due process to follow.

"So you talked to her. Maybe walked with her a little of the way?"

Bryan suddenly averted his eyes.

"He's ashamed."

"What did you do?" Reynolds asked gently even though Cal could hear the strain in his tone. The atmosphere in the room charged with tension. "You talked to her, befriended her so she would trust you and then you took her somewhere. Where, Bryan, did you take her?"

"To the park."

"Which park," Reynolds asked excitedly.

"McKinley Park."

"Was she alive when you left her?"

Cal could feel his own pulse quicken. He saw sweat break out on Bryan's upper lip. His shoulders were held tensely now. His eyes were still averted. Cal knew without a doubt now he had killed her. How, he wasn't sure, but he knew that little girl was dead.

Bryan shook his head slightly. When he looked up he had tears in his imploring eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt her. She slipped. It was an accident."

Reynolds wasn't listening though; he had knocked over his chair in his hurry to get out of the room. There was a body to find now and a solid location. Cal got to his feet wearily. He wanted nothing more than to be as far away from the falsely pure room as he could get. It was making him feel sick.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Dan, what are you doing here?"

"Oh Doctor Foster," Dan looked flustered as if he was being accused. "I'm picking up Emily."

"She's here?" Gillian hadn't seen the teenager that afternoon.

"She was doing some work for Doctor Lightman after school so it was easier to meet her here."

"Oh that makes sense," Gillian responded with a smile. "You don't have to wait out here, you know, you can come in," she gestured to Lightman's office door. The office walls may be not be made of glass but the door was and even though it was closed, they could see Cal sitting at his desk, on the side closest to the door, watching a video of the latest case with the sound off.

"I don't want to disturb him," Dan said in a low voice.

"Come on," Gillian gestured with her head that Dan should follow her. She pushed on the door and they went in. Cal barely glanced up at the sound of the door. He rewound the image on the screen by remote and played it again. "What have you got?" Gillian asked him approaching.

"You see this? I missed it the first time because I was watchin' our suspect. But…" he slowed the tape and went back a few frames then paused it on the image he wanted her to see. "Look at the lawyer."

"Whoa, that's intense anger."

"Yeah. What's he so angry about?"

"His client is about to be arrested for a double murder?" Gillian supplied placing her hands on the back of the chair where he slouched.

"Nah, he should be happy about that. He's about to make a mint in the lawyer's fees." Cal finally glanced up at Gillian and saw Dan hovering. He sprung out of his chair with the agility of a seventeen year old and approached to shake the young man's hand. "How's it goin' Dan?"

"Good thank you Doctor Lightman."

"Does Emily know you're here?"

"Yeah, she's just getting changed."

Cal nodded and turned back to Gillian. She gave him an encouraging smile. Cal turned back to Dan who stood looking uncomfortable. "Who are you goin' to see again?"

"Alexis-on-fire," Emily answered entering the office. She was dressed up for a rock concert, dark jeans and a tight fitting black t-shirt with a white penguin on the front. She had a red sweatband around her right wrist and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

"Whoeva that is," Cal turned to Gillian.

"They're a rock band," she supplied knowingly.

Cal gave her a purposefully surprised expression.

"I keep up," she explained lightly.

"Don't smoke any drugs all right?" Cal turned back to his daughter who was placing her school bag on the couch for him to take home later.

"Dad!" Emily complained.

"I'm just saying at these concerts…"

"Dad, I don't do drugs."

"What about you Dan, you do drugs?"

"Absolutely not Doctor Lightman."

"What about cigarettes?"

"Dad he doesn't smoke ok and neither do I. It's disgusting," Emily insisted putting her jacket on. "You promised…" she warned suddenly but didn't finish the sentence. She gave him a pointed glare.

"I have supervision," Cal gestured towards Gillian.

Emily gave him a disparaging expression.

"Am I allowed to ask what time the concert finishes?"

"It should be over by ten thirty Doctor Lightman," Dan supplied pleasantly.

"I'll expect you home at ten thirty five then."

"Eleven," Emily countered.

"That's a bit late."

"Traffic," Gillian supplied.

"Have you got tickets?"

"Of course," Dan answered pulling them from his coat pocket. Cal reached out for them, almost snatching them from Dan's hands.

"They're legitimate," Emily admonished as she grabbed them back out of her father's grasp and returned them to her boyfriend.

Cal checked his watch. "You're a bit early for this concert."

"We're going to dinner first," Emily reminded him.

"Right, yeah," Cal nodded.

"You guys have a good time," Gillian interjected warmly.

"Thank you," Dan answered cheerfully.

Gillian gave Emily a 'go' expression. Emily's face didn't react but she reached for Dan's arm to drag him out of the room. Cal didn't see because Gillian was standing behind him and he was watching Dan.

"I'll see you later Dad."

"Home by eleven," he called after them as Emily backed up further pulling Dan towards the door.

"Good to see you again Doctor Foster, Doctor Lightman," Dan offered.

"Don't wait up," Emily said from the doorway.

"That's funny," Cal called after her. He turned to see Gillian watching him with an amused expression. "What?"

"You have fun playing the intimidating father role don't you?"

"It's my duty innit?"

Gillian laughed. "He's a good guy. Give him a break."

"Yeah he's all right. Emily could have done worse," Cal admitted grudgingly.

"She's a smart young woman. You should trust her more."

"I trust her. It's _him_ I don't trust. Did you see the flicka of his eyes when he said he didn't smoke?"

"He probably tried a cigarette once like every teenager has done."

"It was probably more than one," Cal noted snidely.

"As I recall, you smoked for over eleven years."

"That was different. She should learn from my mistakes."

Gillian shook her head at his logic and took a seat next to his desk, where he had been sitting before. "Show me the video again."

Cal slipped into his chair, leaned across Gillian to get the remote off the table and rewound the images on the screen again.

**PJ**

"What if the wife is responsible? That is an awful lot of injuries for one man to sustain by accident."

"You suspect spousal abuse?"

"Why not? Wives hit their husbands all the time."

"I'm not discrediting that, what I'm asking is, are you sure you want to start accusing her of it without being entirely sure?"

Cal gave a suspicious expression. "Are you playin' the diplomat again?"

"I believe it's part of my job description," Gillian gave him a pleasant smile.

Cal smirked.

"And I get a bonus for doing it," Gillian added getting up.

"What was that?" Cal asked amused, following her into the hallway. "Where are you goin'?"

"I'm meeting with the Mayor's liaison at two remember?"

Cal looked at his watch while he strode beside her. "Right yeah."

"Because you refuse to."

"Yeah, yeah."

"But I can meet you later on if you want?"

Cal pretended to think. Gillian knew him too well for that. The accusation was half the fun. Say something shocking enough it didn't allow for a good lie to be formulated. And Cal loved shock tactics.

"I'll call you when I'm done," Gillian said, giving his arm a squeeze before entering the elevator.

"Hey Fosta."

She turned and held the button for the door. "Yeah?"

"No more missin' persons cases for awhile after this yeah? We've had two in two weeks."

"And that's two too many?"

"Somethin' like that yeah," Cal muttered.

**PJ**

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Gillian turned to the deep rich voice, smooth with the warmth of a practised charmer. The man leaning on the bar next to her wore a dark charcoal suit, white shirt and bright red tie. His dark hair was styled carefully into place, his skin was flawless, his teeth very white. She could immediately see the attraction and she found herself inadvertently smiling in response to his flirtatious tip of the head.

"I'm doing good thank you," she answered politely. She was wearing the proverbial little black dress. And to be honest, she felt good wearing it and about the attention it was bringing. It was less than a month since she and Alec had officially decided to call it quits on their marriage. A little male attention went along way at the moment.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Gillian already had one in her hand, which was just a plain coke with ice but in a small glass so that it implied there was also rum. The glass was half full. The evening was looking that way too. She gave him another warm smile and a little flick of her hair. "Maybe a top up?"

The tall man turned to the bar tender and ordered another of "whatever the lady is drinking."

Gillian watched the assured way this man moved. He was confident of himself, his body, his money. He did nothing to hide the wedding band on his third finger and while at the moment everything was pretty innocent, there was potential for something more. He was drinking bourbon, neat. Cal's drink.

"This is going to sound like a terrible line, but do you come here often?"

"I'm just visiting," Gillian white lied.

"So you're here for the conference?"

"Something like that," she mislead again, nothing that was the question he had wanted to ask in the first place. Her drink arrived. Luckily the bar tender hadn't pointed out that she was only drinking coke, on the rocks. "My business partner made me come."

"Ah. His name on the door is it?"

Gillian smiled again. "Yeah, something like that." It was so much easier when she didn't have to lie. Cal told her once she was a terrible liar. She was affronted by the accusation but it was the truth. Lying made her nervous. Especially in situations like this. She was always so afraid of getting caught out. Cal would have a field day. Telling half truths was a lot easier to sell and this guy was fortunately doing all the talking.

"That's a shame. This could have been a fortuitous meeting."

"Fate?"

He smiled, didn't answer.

"Maybe it still is," Gillian continued.

The man's smile widened in genuine delight. He was in his late forties, the permanent wrinkles around his eyes and the grey at his temples denoting the time that had passed him by. She could smell the faint scent of cologne and she started to notice other things about him, the broad shoulders, the miniscule red criss cross pattern on his tie, the cuff links, the Rolex on his wrist. It was late but the bar was comfortably busy. The hum of conversation was undercut with stereo played piano music.

Time to seal the deal.

"So does your wife travel with you?"

"No she doesn't," he answered, fixing dark brown eyes square on hers. His drink was half way to his mouth and he held it mid air, pausing while he studied her. Gillian was afraid now that she was being too forward and was going to scare him off. She hadn't exactly had to pick anyone up in a bar in a very long time. He narrowed his eyes slightly. "What about your husband?"

Gillian glanced down at her wedding ring as though she had forgotten it was even there. "Oh," she said embarrassedly. "We're separated. I don't even know why I'm still wearing this." She reached with her right hand to pull it off. A glaring white mark was left behind and her stomach did a nervous dance. She slipped the ring into her purse. The man watched her fixedly but she still wasn't entirely sure she had his complete attention.

"How long have you been separated?"

"A few months now," Gillian admitted. The troubled expression was not feigned. It felt so weird taking that ring off.

The man stepped closer. He placed a hand on her elbow and leaned in to her ear. "Maybe we could go somewhere more private? I could help you forget about him." Then he leaned back to look her in the eye. It was actually half tempting.

And then Cal appeared. "Oi!"

'_Thank God_.'

"What are you doin' with my wife?"

The man was startled. Gillian faked hers. "Honey what are…"

"Nah," Cal he cut her off with a raised hand and turned to the man. He was taller by several good inches so Cal had to look up. It didn't make him any less intimidating. "I said, what are you doin' with my _wife_?"

The man raised both hands in a sign of parley. "Nothing, we were just talking about the conference."

"And you had to whispa in her ear?" Cal glared at the man for a second then turned to Gillian. "Where's your weddin' ring sweetheart?" Gillian kept her dumbfounded expression. Cal turned to the man again who took a small step out of their space. Cal's expression suddenly softened. "I'm sorry. It's not you. She does this all the time. Don't think you're special or anythin'."

"Hey," Gillian objected.

"There was nothing intended."

"We have a fight, you know how it is, she takes off," Cal continued as if neither of them had spoken. "She comes to a bar, pretends to get drunk, has a one night fling and is sorry about it in the mornin'. Aren't you luv?" Cal glanced at her briefly, barely enough time to register the offence on her face. He turned back to the man. "What'd she tell you? We're separated? I died?" He reached for her drink, took a swig of it. "Coke?" He asked Gillian.

The man looked surprised again. Gillian's expression clouded for a moment before she formed a silent pout. She folded her arms over her chest. The man stared at her suddenly pushed up breasts. And so, she noticed immediately, did Cal. She felt heat rise into her cheeks. That was embarrassment she wasn't faking.

"Look, nothing happened," the man tried to reason, taking another subconscious step backwards. "There's no need for this to get out of hand. I'm just going to go up to my room. Why don't you go home, talk and we can just forget all about it."

Cal snorted. "I tell you, it hardly seems worth it half the time."

"Right that's it," Gillian picked up her drink and threw it in Cal's face. He looked so stunned she almost laughed. "It's enough that you follow me around like you don't trust me but to then insult me in front of some stranger? Bastard," she muttered slipping off the bar stool and starting to brush past him.

"Oi!" Cal protested again. He grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Get your hands off me," Gillian over reacted. She slapped him across the cheek while she pulled her arm loose and stalked from the room. She reached the lobby, retrieved her coat and went outside. She walked a few steps away from the entrance, more into the shadows, just in case the man followed her out. She waited. Two minutes later Cal followed her out.

He gave her a grin. "That was impressive."

Gillian gave a small smile. She wasn't entirely proud.

"Did I hurt you?" He stepped forward to place his hand on her arm, just above where he had grabbed her a few moments ago.

"No."

"Are you sure?" He peered into her blue eyes, searching.

"Yes," she insisted. Her arm did ache a little. He hadn't grabbed her hard but it was still a grab that stopped her movement. "How's the cheek?"

"Stings a little," Cal grinned at her. "The bubbles were interestin'."

Gillian rolled her eyes. They had played this game before. A different situation though and that time it had been a glass of water. "So Mr Cohen?"

"Definitely does not condone spousal abuse."

"So he's not hitting his wife but he's definitely likely to be cheating on her."

"What'd he say to you?" Cal asked in a guarded tone.

"Asked if I wanted to go upstairs."

Cal gave a mouth frown while he thought about that. "I guess we have somethin' to tell Mrs Cohen then."

"Can we go?" Gillian changed the subject. She was suddenly cold.

Cal studied her in the light pouring out of the hotel lobby windows. "You all right luv?"

"Yeah, I just want to get home."

"Yeah all right," Cal said though he didn't seem convinced that she was ok. "I'm ova here," he pointed vaguely into the lighted parking lot. Gillian waited for him to lead the way so he couldn't study her too much more. Why he had agreed to take on a cheating spouse case, Gillian wasn't sure. He had a policy against them. They were beneath them. And, she decided, she was suddenly not a very big fan either.


	5. Chapter 5

Cal sat on his couch in his office with a bottle of bourbon and a nip of it in the bottom of a plastic cup with blue flowers dotted around it. He sat low, slouched, looking tired and worn and half asleep. The main lights were off and only one lamp beside where he was sitting illuminated the room. It cast deep shadows that reflected his mood perfectly. At that moment, he was thinking about nothing besides how the alcohol warmed his stomach. Gillian entered, the click of her heels audible from down the hall. The building was empty. Cal thought she had gone home. She sat next to him with a cup of her own, and silently held it out to him to pour. He doused the cup with a splash from the bottle, his hand not entirely steady, and then Gillian slipped down the couch so she was in an almost identical position to him, her head resting on the back of the seat. This was not the first time they had had a commiseratory drink at the end of a particularly draining case.

"How's your jaw?" She asked in a low voice

"A little stiff."

She nodded. "Terrible week huh?"

"I wasn't too fond of it."

Gillian took a sip of her drink. It burned her throat in a nice way all the way down to her stomach where it pooled and let off more heat. Last week she had slapped him, this week an angry father had punched him. Maybe it wasn't going to be a good month.

"You're not wearin' your weddin' ring."

"I'm getting divorced remember?"

Cal nodded. "Right I forgot about that." He seemed sleepy or drunk.

"No you didn't," Gillian noted softly. "And I stopped wearing it a week ago."

"Hm," Cal responded from his throat. He had noticed two days ago but he wasn't admitting to that. He didn't want to admit to a lot of things when it came to Gillian.

"I'm also wearing the colour pink today, did you notice that?"

"I can see you're wearin' pink. Don't you normally wear pink?" Cal squinted at her like the light was too bright. It was hard _not_ to notice Gillian Foster full stop. She looked good in pink. Hell, she looked good in anything. She probably looked even better in nothing.

"I haven't worn pink the entire time we've been working together," Gillian noted amused.

Cal berated himself in his head for not detecting that. Because he certainly hadn't noticed she hadn't worn pink clothing in the last six years. On the outside, however, he did what he always did and refused to react. It was his job to observe all the details around him. He had probably been too distracted.

"You never noticed that?" Gillian asked lightly, glancing over at him, amusement showing in her blue eyes.

"Why don't you wear pink?" Cal was suddenly intensely curious. "It suits you."

"Alec doesn't like pink," Gillian mumbled into her cup.

"Ah," Cal responded shortly. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know why. He wasn't going to ask.

The tension between them suddenly soared and there was a long moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Are you going home?"

"Yeah in a minute."

A moment of silence.

"You have Emily this weekend?"

"Nah, she's doin' some weddin' related stuff with her mutha."

"So, they set a date?"

"They did. April twenty-third."

"Are you going?" Gillian asked her cup. He hadn't mentioned Zoë's wedding in a while, not since their conversation last month in the conference room. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was staring at the table, his eyelids low.

"I was invited."

"But are you going?"

"Haven't decided."

"I'm sure she'd understand."

"Mm," Cal answered absently. He turned his head and suddenly noticed Gillian was sitting close to him. "How's things with you?"

Gillian took a beat to answer, "Fine." It was becoming a standard response these days. At least this time it was marginally true. Except, taking her wedding ring off had been really hard, a lot harder than she had expected it would be. And now she couldn't help but constantly notice her now bare finger, which probably meant, so did everyone else.

"Good," Cal mumbled and took a large mouthful of his drink. It finished what was in the cup and he grimaced as he swallowed it down. He sat up, feeling his jaw throb as his heart beat increased a little with the change in pressure, and glanced back at Gillian. She watched him expectantly but he didn't say anything.

So she filled the silence, not wanting him to leave her just yet. She said she was fine, but she felt alone. And naked now that she wasn't wearing her wedding band. "Do you think humanity will ever get to the point where we stop being so cruel to each other?"

"Probably not," Cal answered turning his lips downward.

"You don't believe that," Gillian accused amused.

"Maybe one day. But not in my life time. Othawise we'd be out of a job. And then what would we do?"

"It's a good point," she answered lightly. "Maybe retire on a beach somewhere." She sat up too and placed her cup on the table. "That would be nice." She sighed and turned to find Cal watching her. They had ended up sitting very close. Her arm rested against his but the contact was not uncomfortable. She reached up and placed her fingers tenderly over the red mark on his jaw line that tomorrow would be a distinctive bruise. For once, he didn't duck out of her caress. She felt compelled to touch him, the way he touched her all the time too. But this somehow felt a little more intimate than a hand on the arm or shoulder or the occasional hug. This was his face. "Does it hurt much?"

"Nah," Cal dismissed easily. They watched each other for a moment, then Cal leaned towards her and kissed her. It was just a light brushing of lips, like he was hesitating even in the midst of it and it lasted just a few seconds. When he pulled away Gillian's features morphed into the surprise she wanted him to see. Her hand belatedly dropped from his cheek.

"What was that?" She asked softly, her blue eyes flickered back and forth, searching his for answers.

"I just wanted to see somethin'," Cal responded in a low tone.

"See what?"

"Don't worry about it," he said softly.

Gillian's forehead creased. "You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk," Cal countered. "No."

Gillian was very confused and it showed on her face. Her heart was beating faster, she could feel it, but she didn't know if that was because she was shocked or pleased. She felt warm but didn't know if that was because of the alcohol or the proximity of Cal. She didn't know what to say or how to react. She expected Cal to say something else, to give an explanation but he simply studied every expression that flashed through her eyes, like he was watching a recording to be studied at leisure, not the live version sitting in front of him.

"Did you get what you wanted?" She asked annoyed.

Cal gave her a slight 'puppy-dog' expression, a cross between being sheepish and unapologetic. But he didn't answer her. Gillian could feel her heart quicken its pace a little more and her cheeks flush as the urge to kiss him came up strong. They stared each other down for a moment. Then Gillian leaned forward and kissed him. But she was a bit more passionate about it and Cal responded automatically. Gillian opened her mouth slightly against his, inviting more. Her stomach flip-flopped. She placed a hand tenderly on his jaw again.

Cal moved his hand to her elbow, holding her hand in place. She smelt amazing, she always did, but he was normally used to subtle drifts of her scent in the air of the room or when she breezed by him, not this heady, overwhelming of his senses. He breathed deeply, taking in more of her. His stomach tightened. '_Good God_.' After a few moments they pulled apart but kept their foreheads close. Cal felt her muscles shift as her emotions played out on her face; he kept his in check. Underneath the façade though, his heart pounded as hard as hers did.

Gillian pulled completely away from him and stood up in one fluid motion. "I should go home." She didn't look him in the eye.

Cal watched her get up and walk around the coffee table and head for the door, her heels clicking over his wooden floor. "Goodnight," he offered when she reached the door way. Gillian didn't look back.

**PJ**

Cal licked his lips in a classic gesture of nervousness and it brought a small smile to Gillian's mouth. He did that a lot around her at the moment, particularly when they were standing or sitting close together; when they were alone. It amused her that even though they hadn't, or weren't, talking about the kiss, it was still on his mind, even a week later. There were other hints too, the way his pupils dilated and the incessant urge to rub his nose, (which she noticed so obviously because he always lifted his arm to do it, realised half way through raising it what he was doing and forced his hand into another motion). His arms often made flailing gestures these days. It was kind of funny to see him exhibit all those signals about attraction, all the signs that she had learnt from him to see in other people. And yet it removed the notion of romanticism; the longing looks and brushing of hands of the movies and the romance novels she loved so much.

Then again, there _were_ incidents of those gestures too. He found ways to touch her, not too frequently so she couldn't insist with evidence that he was doing it on purpose, but enough situations that Gillian knew weren't complete innocent accidents. Like when he sat next to her on the couch and made sure he was close enough so his leg was touching hers. Or how yesterday he had gone to take a file out of her hand and made sure where he picked it up had been where her fingers were curled around the edge. She knew he did that on purpose. It was funny how they had started all of a sudden.

It was fun and flattering and yet Gillian didn't know what to do with it. She loved that someone was showing an interest; especially in the aftermath of waking up to Alec's fizzling attention. And she kind of enjoyed the sport of flirting. But this was _Cal_, her friend and business partner and that meant anything between them had to be treated very carefully. They were walking a dangerous line. The flirting, she grudgingly had to concede, should really not be happening, even if it was relatively innocent at the moment.

What she liked about it so much though, was that she _liked_ it. She liked it because it made her feel good. And she liked it because all those years she had known Cal, he had hardly ever given anybody his time, except Zoë and now her. She looked forward to being in the room with Cal. He had a way of shutting out the world and focusing on what she had to say. He valued her, listened to her and respected her; he always had. She hoped he would find a way today of brushing his arm against hers, or bumping into her in a doorway, or letting his hand graze so slightly and so briefly against hers as they walked down the corridor that she wasn't entirely sure she hadn't imagine it.

So she saw Cal lick his lips and she knew instantly that suddenly being alone in video suit one with her made him nervous. The room was expansive and spaced out with seven separate work stations. They had three screens in each little pod but in the centre of the wall was a large display screen. In the middle of the room, where they sat now, was a desk. It belonged to no one in particular and was often cluttered with various reports, research information and cases. It was always cool in there and the lights always dim so the video footage could be viewed without straining eyes.

Gillian scooted her chair closer to his so she could read over the file he had just been handed by Loker. She noticed the way he froze slightly for a second, almost flinched away as she bent her head to see better and then shifted his arm so it was closer, almost touching hers. She didn't have to say a word; he seemed to gravitate towards her. A smile turned the corner of her lips upwards.

"What was that?" Cal asked softly.

"Hm?" She turned to look at him. She hadn't noticed him watching her in an intense way.

"That smile."

"What?" She dared to continue to feign ignorance while she tried to come up with a plausible explanation. One that was close enough to the truth because she couldn't lie to him and she wouldn't try; it would cause him more delight trying to badger the truth out of her.

"You smiled," Cal accused.

"Yeah," Gillian agreed. "That's what people do sometimes. Usually when they're happy or amused and sometimes just for the sake of it."

Cal seemed bemused by her answer for a second; he stared at her mouth for too long. He shifted in his seat so his body was facing her. He moved the arm that was resting near hers, brought his other hand around and let his fingertips trace up her arm so lightly that goose-bumps sprung up under his touch. Gillian felt her stomach tighten and heard the sudden intake of her own breath and knew that if she heard it, then so had he. He missed very little at the best of times let alone sitting alone in a quiet room with no distractions. The briefest flash of delight crossed his features before he went back to his pleased-with-himself expression. The one he wore when he hit on a deception someone was trying to hide.

"Not really the time to smile when we're looking at a murder," Cal noted giving the vaguest gesture towards the open folder on the table with the hand that had just tantalised her skin. Gillian had no idea what to say to that. She gave him a slight shake of her head. Because it filled the gap in conversation, not because she wanted him to stop, or because he was wrong. Cal's right eyebrow gave a slight inclination, an indication that he was waiting for her to respond. Gillian could feel her cheeks get warmer as she found she couldn't actually form words, damn him, so she shook her head more forcefully again, broke eye contact with him and turned to the folder.

'_Focus for God's sake Gillian, focus_.'


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm sorry to interrupt; can I borrow Cal for a moment?" Gillian asked, leaning into the circle of people, not wanting to be a part of it, just wanting to extricate her business partner so she could talk to him privately.

Cal looked at her neutrally. "What for?" He asked in his London accent, as though he was annoyed at being interrupted.

"You promised me a dance and they're playing our song," Gillian told him evenly, while keeping her expression purposefully open.

Cal looked pained for a second. "Oh that." He pretended to check is watch. "I thought I had more time."

"Well you don't. It's playing now," Gillian told him lightly with a hint of amusement. He dropped the constants at the beginning and end of words, and broke syllables at different places and it always made her smile; especially when she actually had to take a second to decipher what he said. And when he talked too quickly she did have to take a second to figure out what he had said. She stole a glance at the people in the circle to check their reactions. Ben Reynolds, their resident FBI agent was there with a date; he looked amused at Cal's discomfort. Next to him was one of The Lightman Groups' AV techs and his date; he looked uncomfortable at Cal's discomfort. Next to him was another of their AV techs and her date. The man had a protective arm on her elbow and murmured in her ear. They weren't paying any attention.

"All right then, if I have to," Cal begrudgingly turned towards her.

"Yeah you do. It's tradition," Gillian gave him a warm smile. She led the way to the dance floor, giving Heidi a smile as they went by. She found a clear space and turned to Cal who sauntered after her. He raised his arms and she fitted into them, placing a hand on his shoulder, the other against his palm. He held her hand tightly.

"What took you so long?" He asked rudely, with a slight narrowing of his eyes as they started a distracted sway to the music. He pulled her closer. "I made the signal five minutes ago."

"It was two minutes actually," Gillian corrected unperturbed. She rebalanced her weight onto her toes so she didn't bump into him. His body was warm. "And it's good for you to be a little bit social." She paused then quickly interrupted Cal before he could say anything else. "Besides, now that you've used the emergency exit you're on your own for the rest of the night. You do realise that?"

"Yeah, yeah," Cal answered dismissively. He glanced around the room. It was decorated in reds and golds. A fake Christmas tree stood in the corner; red and gold baubles, tinsel, a large golden star on top. Wreaths hung from doors, tinsel adorned the walls and windows. Gillian, Emily and Heidi had spread the Christmas spirit while Cal resisted. Just like he did every year. "I'll just hide in my office."

"Don't you dare," Gillian warned him seriously. Then she saw a hint of mischief in his eyes and smiled. It was nice standing this close to him. He smelt good and despite his outward complaints about the obligation of the evening, it looked as though he had bought a new shirt to wear. Gillian was in a red, knee length, figure hugging dress with long sleeves.

"It's your idea to have these parties," he told her. He scanned the room again. He was still looking for mistletoe. In case he needed to embarrass someone under it later. Surely Gillian had hung some mistletoe somewhere?

"Yes, because they're good for staff moral and it shows that we care and appreciate their hard work."

"Do we care?" Cal asked facetiously with a tilt of his head, bringing his eyes back to her face. She was giving him a soft smile and he felt an uncomfortable twist of his stomach.

"Yes we do," Gillian told him with a slight nod, as though she was reminding him of the fact. They had had this conversation before. Cal readjusted his hand on her waist. Gillian was suddenly aware of how warm it was and that reminded her of something she wanted to say to him. Even though it made her feel as nervous as hell. "So how much have you had to drink?"

Cal gave her a purposefully surprised expression. "I only got drunk that one time and it was years ago and there were mitigatin' circumstances."

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression. "I was actually wondering if you were drunk enough for me to talk to you about something."

Cal's eyes narrowed slightly. He was intrigued though. Gillian had played it right, misleading his thought patterns. Gillian smiled at him benignly, waiting for him to respond. "I've had a few," Cal admitted. Gillian let her eyebrows flicker upwards for a second, like she was pleased, but she kept the smile on her features. More importantly, had she had enough to drink so that she could talk to him about that thing?

"What's it about?" Cal asked a beat later. He didn't seem worried. "Is it about work?" He watched her intently, eyes flickering from her eyes to her mouth. Sometimes being watched so closely like that was too intimate and uncomfortable. At this moment, Gillian liked him being intimate, that was why she was playing the game with him. They had just spent the last month getting closer, more touching, more late nights talking, more dinner dates, more hugs.

"So it's not work," Cal answered himself. "Is it personal?" He watched again. "So it's personal. Is it about Alec?"

Gillian purposefully frowned.

"So not about Alec," Cal quickly corrected. What an idiot! Bringing up her soon-to-be-ex-husband. He frowned suddenly and looked extremely concerned. "It's not Emily is it? You know somethin' I don't?"

"No," Gillian answered with a shake of her head.

"All right. Your family?" A momentary pause to watch her reaction. "Mum and Dad all right? Brotha?"

"They're all fine," Gillian gave him an amused expression. He was way off track. Cal's expression flickered. He was struggling. That was not like him. Then he suddenly got serious.

"You're not leavin' me are you?"

"Why would you think that?" Gillian asked surprised.

"Well I can't expect to drag you around behind me forever."

"You think you have to _drag_ me around _behind_ you?" Gillian challenged with amused indignation.

"Nah I meant, eventually, you're gonna branch out on your own. I can't expect you to stay here with me foreva."

Gillian gave a smile. He made that very personal. "I love my job Cal. I love working with you and I really love my office. So not any time soon."

"But it is about you and me?" Cal asked.

Gillian kept the smile but inside she felt stunned. The tables turned without her noticing; he played her right back. _Damn it._

Cal looked triumphant; he could tell from her face that he had hit on the right subject. Then he looked concerned. "What about you and me?"

"I was wondering if you were ever going to tell me you care about me," Gillian told him, looking him square in the eye, lowering her voice, just in case someone was listening.

They weren't dancing anymore. Merely swaying slightly where they stood.

"Course I care," Cal responded without hesitation. "We're friends."

"I wasn't talking about friendship."

Cal looked stunned for a second before effecting the neutral expression Gillian found so hard to see through. She had definitely pushed a button, but she didn't want him to close up on her though. She continued to watch him, they were barely moving, almost standing still, and waited for him to say something else. His hand seemed heavy on her waist. "What are you talkin' about?" Cal finally asked in a strained tone, his words running together through his accent, a sign that she knew to mean he was emotional.

"You know," Gillian told him gently.

Cal gave a slight nod of his head before giving it a more forceful shake no. "I don't think we should talk about this."

"Why not?"

"You're married."

"Cal," Gillian widened her eyes to make her point. "I'm practically divorced remember?"

"Yeah but it takes time to get ova that."

"I'm over it," Gillian insisted. "It's nearly been three months."

"Has it been that long?" Cal asked softly.

"Mm hmm," Gillian nodded. It felt like longer to be honest.

"What makes you think I have feelin's for you?" Cal asked even quieter.

"I put two and two together," Gillian told him gently. The kiss might have helped. "That's what I do."

Cal's eyebrows pulled together for a second like he was annoyed. "Now's probably not the right time to do this."

"It's Christmas," Gillian explained. "That's what you do at Christmas."

"I thought we were celebratin' Jesus?" Cal noted a little callously, dropping their arms so they were standing, holding hands, in the middle of the dance floor, leaning towards each other as they talked.

"Well I know you're not religious and neither am I so what are we doing here?" Gillian asked it rhetorically. She didn't add anything else. Cal could take whatever he wanted from her expression though. The song changed so Gillian let her hand drop from his shoulder to his chest and gave it a gentle pat. "Thanks for the dance," she told him softly. "Don't leave without saying goodnight ok?" He might not have answered her, but his deflections were indicative enough. She decided to give him time to think about it now. That way she could see how he wanted to react. Or not react, as the case may be; he might feel differently about acting on it if he knew that she knew.

"All right," Cal spluttered out his flustered agreement.

Gillian walked out of his embrace, untangling their fingers. His hand slid across her back as she went. Anyone who saw that would immediately and reasonably read too much into the gesture. Gillian wondered if Cal was aware of that. And if he had done it on purpose. And if he wanted them to.

Later the same evening Gillian was saying goodbye to Ria Torres and Karl Dupree. It was late and most of the room was emptying out now anyway. Ria thanked Gillian for the evening and she told her she was welcome. "You haven't seen Cal have you?" Gillian asked giving the room another quick scan. She hadn't seen him for the last hour. She _was_ actually worrying that he _had_ gone home without talking to her after all; maybe she had pushed too far.

"He's in his office Doctor Foster," Karl told her.

"It's Gillian," she corrected immediately. "And thanks. I should really go drag him out. At least let him know he can go home now."

"See you after the holidays," Ria told her, starting for the door.

"Yeah," Gillian gave her a warm smile and a little wave goodbye. She headed across the room and into the corridor, making her way towards Cal's office. From the outside it looked dark but as she opened the door she could see there was a dim light coming from the desk lamp. Cal was slouched low in his chair with his back to the door. He turned when he heard her enter. It was too hard to read his expression in the damp light.

"What are you doing?" Gillian asked him as she approached.

"Admirin' the view," Cal waved his arm towards the window.

"Have you only just noticed it?" Gillian teased. Closer, she could see Cal's smirk and it made her smile widen. "Everyone's leaving."

"Oh good," Cal sprung to his feet. "Now I can get out of here."

"You should come and say goodbye to people. Ria and Karl already left." Gillian trailed off. She suddenly noticed how close Cal was standing in front of her. She could feel the warmth from his body. He normally stood close, but this time it felt different. He watched her intently, like he always did, but it wasn't merely intimate anymore, it turned her insides hot. She could feel it creep into her neck. They were so close, it wouldn't take much to… She stopped the train of thought and then realised she didn't have to. Hadn't she just convinced Cal earlier that she wasn't really married anymore?

'_Screw it_.' She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. Cal didn't react. The kiss lasted a few seconds but it was still enough for Gillian to feel foolish under his lack of response. She pulled away from him and immediately looked down. She knew instantly that she was showing shame. Eyes down and away, '_Oops_.' That's not how she wanted to feel about kissing him. That wasn't how she wanted him to think she felt about kissing him.

"Sorry…" she murmured. She didn't get anything else out. Cal closed the distance again, kissing her again. But he was far less cautious about it than she had been. His lips were firm and purposeful against hers. His hand came up to her arm, holding her in place. If Gillian could breathe right now, she would have gasped her surprise. Or delight. She kissed him back. His lips were warm. His hand hot on the bare skin of her arm. She could feel her cheeks heat again. Then Cal parted his mouth, making the kiss even more intimate. Gillian felt a tension build in her stomach and a rush of something in her head, and for a second she was scared. She wasn't expecting this, the passion from him or her reaction to it. A little flirting was now suddenly very serious and she wasn't sure what she was asking of him earlier; was she trying to start something? Her mind seemed detached from her body because she parted her mouth too to match him and let her tongue lightly dance across his top lip before she could even consciously register what she was doing. It elicited the slightest moan from the back of his throat and that thrilled her even more. She did it again.

Cal turned her against the desk so she couldn't go anywhere and leaned further into her, so their bodies were pressed against each other. Gillian's cheeks started to really flame. She could feel the full warmth of his torso against hers. His other hand found her hip at the same time she put hers around his shoulders. He was solid, hard, male and he smelt good. The scent of him overwhelmed her. His lips were warm and dry and his hands firm on her body. For a second Gillian was lost in the kiss, all she could think about was how he felt, and then she realised she needed air desperately and pulled away from him slightly. Cal looked straight through her with pure desire for just a moment and then covered it up with his neutral expression. But he couldn't stop her from noticing how he also had to catch his breath and how is body was warm and how she could feel his heart racing under his clothes. And his pupils were dilated, which she knew meant sexual arousal, or was that just because the light in there was so damn dim?

'_Oh my god_,' Gillian thought as she straightened up. Her lips tingled pleasantly. '_I don't think Alec ever kissed me like that_.' Not once in a ten year relationship. What did that say?

Cal watched her so intently if Gillian's cheeks weren't already red she would certainly have blushed. He was so serious she began to feel nervous. What could she say into that silence?

"We should go home," Cal told her.

"Uh huh," Gillian answered, knowing he meant their own separate homes, even though the comment could be interpreted another way. She couldn't look away from him and she couldn't seem to find any words. She really wanted him to kiss her again.

Cal nodded dismissively. He took a slight step backwards. If Gillian had seen someone else do that she would have thought he didn't mean what he said, but she quickly deduced that he was letting her pass by him. She pushed away from the desk and headed for the door, hoping her stride was even and calm. She didn't want to rush, acting like she couldn't wait to get out of there.


	7. Chapter 7

Gillian stormed into Cal's office. "We need to talk," she told him, pointing a finger determinedly. "Now."

Cal was studying a picture projected on the wall, while on his feet, with a pen in his hand, a favourite pose for thinking. He opened his mouth to comment to her about the photo he was looking at but was stopped by her abrupt tone.

"In here," Gillian reached the side office where his research material was housed and slipped through the doorway.

Cal was bemused but followed her. What had he done now? He was pretty sure he had been behaved. He dropped the pen on his desk as he walked by it. As soon as he had entered the side office Gillian grabbed him and kissed him. Cal was stunned for a moment, then wrapped his arms around her back in delight, making sure to press her body close against his; another automatic response he indulged in before realising fully what he was doing. It was hard to stop though. She felt and tasted so good. And oh, her tongue did wicked things to him. A moment later they broke apart breathing heavily and studying each other.

"What was that?" Cal asked breathlessly.

"I just wanted to see," Gillian responded.

"See what?" Cal followed on.

"If there was anything there. Isn't that what you were doing last month when you kissed me? You were trying to see if I felt the same way right?"

"I," Cal began to answer while he wondered which kissing incident she was talking about specifically. It seemed to be happening a lot more frequently recently, compared to _ever_. But last 'month' must mean she was talking about the first kiss and not the one at Christmas which had been just a week ago now. She wasn't wrong though.

Gillian pointed a finger at him. "You were. And that was low kissing me like that and then nothing."

"You kissed me," Cal attempted to shift the heat.

"You kissed me first," Gillian pointed out.

Cal looked over his shoulder, then shifted to pull the sliding door closed. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"What isn't?" Gillian asked, looking affronted.

Cal inclined his head but didn't respond.

"What isn't a good idea?" Gillian asked again getting close again.

Cal purposefully took a few steps away in a new direction. "First of all, havin' this convasation here. And second of all, havin' this conversation."

"I know you care about me," Gillian threw at him. Last time she had brought this up he had deflected, a sign that he was avoiding the truth.

Cal stumbled over his answer. "Of course I care, you're a friend."

Hesitations and more deflections. He was definitely trying to deny it.

"I know how you feel about me," Gillian challenged.

"Do you?" Cal responded, finally finding his usual neutral expression.

"Yeah. I've known for a while."

Cal looked surprised for a second. "You have?"

"Mm hmm," Gillian confirmed a little smugly. He had all but voiced admittance to her now and she would not be deterred. "You're not always as cryptic as you like to think you are."

Cal gave her a bemused expression. "And here I thought I was a world class lie-a."

"Most of the time you are. You're a very good liar. But this slipped out and I started to see things."

"Seein's dangerous," Cal commented flippantly.

Gillian smiled. "So what are we going to do?"

"About what?"

"You and me," Gillian spelled it out.

"I don't think there should be a 'you and me'," Cal noted softly.

Gillian gave a flicker of confusion.

"It's complicated," Cal continued to explain.

"Are you serious?" Gillian asked him. "I don't think we can ignore this."

"I think we have to. We work togetha. And we're business partnas."

Gillian watched him for another beat. "So you were just playing with me?"

"No, no, no," Cal immediately tried to retract. "Absolutely not."

"Then what?" Gillian interrupted. She was annoyed and a little hurt. He was just seeing if he could get his leg over some time? He was just trying to feed his ego? Why would he start, try to start something only to back down when she was actually standing in front of him saying 'I feel something too, let's do this'. Did he really not care that much after all? Or was he just a cowardly lion. "You know I feel something for you too. Otherwise you wouldn't have kissed me. You wouldn't have dared risk it."

"That's," Cal tried to interject.

"If you didn't want to follow through Cal, then you should have just left it alone in the first place," Gillian told him pointedly. She blinked back a sudden flash of tears that surprised them both.

"Hey, hey, hey," Cal moved forward in concern. "I didn't mean to upset you. I wasn't tryin' to play games with you at all. It just kind of happened."

"You're far more calculating than that," Gillian told him cruelly. "You don't ever do something without having a reason."

"I did have a reason," Cal quickly cut in. "I did want to see if you felt the same. I wanted to be sure."

Gillian gave him a disbelieving expression.

"But the more I think about it, the more I realise. We can't do this."

"Because we work together?"

"Because we're business partnas and we have to maintain some sense of professionalism for everyone out there," he gestured to the wall his study shared with the corridor beyond. "It's not a good idea for us to be involved with each otha." He paused. "And you're married," he added softly.

"I'm _separated_," Gillian pointed out with a scoff.

"I know. Which is even more reason why you shouldn't rush into anotha relationship. You need time and space to get ova Alec and your marriage and figure out what you're gonna do next."

Gillian watched him with a slight narrowing of her eyes. She wanted to argue that she _had_ had time, that she _was_ over Alec but there was something in the back of her mind that doubted that and she hesitated. Enough for Cal to see too. "You know what I hate about this?"

"What's that?" Cal asked wearily.

"You're right. That's what I hate."

Cal looked surprised. Gillian turned abruptly to the other sliding door that led to the hallway, pulled it open, slipped out and shut it behind her. Cal scratched his head not sure what to do next. He had got what he wanted, hadn't he? So why did it feel like it was exactly not what he wanted?

**PJ**

"So you know what you want to do for your birthday?" Cal asked Emily as they finished their breakfast.

"I think so," Emily answered. "I'm thinking a party."

Cal nodded slowly, acceptingly.

"Relax Dad," Emily curbed his reaction. "I'm not talking about a big scary teenage rage. I was thinking something a bit more quiet and mature with my friends at home. I've already talked to Mom about letting me have it at her place."

"What's wrong with my place?" Cal asked.

"Her place is closer to where my friends live."

"Fair enough," Cal conceded. "Go on."

"I'll have friends over, music, food, just whatever," Emily gave a shrug.

"When's the bit where we make speeches?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "No speeches. Absolutely not."

"Shall I save the stories about you learnin' to ride a bike for your twenty-first?"

"How about you forget those stories even then?"

Cal gave a chuckle. "Come on, I'll take you to school."

"So are you going to bring a date?" Emily asked once they were in the car.

"I can bring a date?"

"Sure if you have someone to bring."

"I doubt it," Cal responded focusing on the traffic.

"Come on Dad. You should really get out there and find someone nice."

"I don't have time for that," Cal answered absently.

"Do you want me to find you someone?"

"How are you gonna do that?"

"Internet dating sites. I can enter your information. Maybe a photo and then screen the results."

"Nah don't do that luv," Cal responded, feeling mildly appalled at the idea.

"I'm just offering."

Cal glanced at her. "Thanks luv but I'm happy as I am."

"Well that's not true," Emily muttered under her breath. She looked out of the passenger window.

Cal glanced at her again as they drove then focused on the road. "So how many people are coming to this party and what is it gonna cost me?"

"I'm not sure about the guest list yet, but you can bring a date if you find one," Emily added. "And the most it will cost you is an evening with Mom and Roger."

"Roger's gonna be there?"

"Yeah. He kind of lives there too now remember?"

"Yeah I remember," Cal said more to himself. "All right. And when is it again?"

"My birthday is in two weeks. Or have you forgotten that too?" Emily asked him lightly.

"Course I haven't forgotten. I remember takin' your mother to the hospital in the wee hours of the mornin' and holdin' you for the first time, with your tiny little fingers and your eyes all puffy and scrunched up…"

"Ok Dad I get the point."

Cal grinned to himself.

"Do you think Doctor Foster would come?"

"Probably."

"Will you ask her?"

"You can ask her."

"You'd be all right with her being there?"

"It's your party luv."

"That didn't answer my question."

"Why would I be bothered if she was there?" Cal slowed at a light and looked over at his daughter.

"You guys just seem weird at the moment."

"Weird?" Cal asked watching her expression. Emily nodded. Cal gave an involuntary mouth frown and was grateful that Emily didn't know that it meant he was about to lie to her. "Nah, not weird. Just busy with work and you know she's splittin' up from her husband."

"Yeah."

"Well it's just a tough time at the moment."

"Ok," Emily nodded. "So you'll ask her?"

"Sure I'll talk to her."

**PJ**

Weird. '_Things _were_ weird_,' Cal thought as he walked across the hallway to Gillian's office. The building was winding down for the evening. What Emily had said that morning was still on his mind. People were starting to leave already. But Gillian was still at her desk because she knew Cal normally would be too and she liked to forcibly usher him out the door. It was taking them longer to get back to their normal comfortable working relationship after all the kissing and it was starting to unnerve Cal. Not that he would admit that to anyone. She was on his mind a lot. The kissing was on his mind a lot. He knocked on the glass of Gillian's office door and opened it. Gillian looked up expectantly and her face fell ever so slightly when she identified who it was. Cal would also never admit it to anyone, but that hurt him a little bit. He'd kick himself in the teeth if he had ruined his friendship with her.

"Are you going home?" Gillian asked.

"I was wonderin' if you were hungry?"

"Yeah," Gillian answered slowly, cautiously.

"Wanna get dinner?"

"I can't," Gillian answered guardedly.

Normally, Cal wouldn't need an explanation from her. If she was busy, it was none of his business and he would never pry but… he hated to think she was purposefully blowing him off. Because of the kissing. "You got plans?" He took a half-hearted guess.

"Actually I do."

Cal nodded. "Catchin' up with a friend?" He couldn't help himself.

"No," Gillian answered slowly again.

"A date?"

She nodded. He gave her points for answering him honestly. She could have lied knowing he would have seen. Cal immediately effected his hardened neutral expression while the knowledge kicked him hard in the stomach a few times. He forced a nod and an even tone. "You have a good evenin' then."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Gillian responded almost as coolly.

**PJ**

Cal was working at his desk when his phone beeped. He opened the text message. It was from Emily and she asked what Gillian had said about attending her birthday party. Cal closed the phone and got to his feet. He had forgotten to ask. He made his way through the building to Gillian's office and tapped on the open door. He could have just picked up the phone and called her.

"Hey," Gillian greeted him with her usual warm smile.

"Quick question," Cal held up his phone.

"Ok," Gillian opened her expression.

"My daughter is turnin' sixteen next weekend, and she was wonderin' if you would go to her party?"

"Sixteen?" Gillian repeated with a wider smile. "Wow. A milestone."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. He came further into the office.

"And she's having a party?" Gillian confirmed.

"Yeah, some sort of 'mature' affair at her mother's place. Food and music apparently, and some of her friends from school."

"Are you sure she wants me there?"

"Yeah. She says she does. Sent me here to ask you."

"Well I'd be happy to attend."

"All right," Cal nodded and brought up his phone to text his daughter back, sliding the face open with his thumb. "You can bring someone if you'd like," he said distractedly while punching away at the keypad.

Gillian watched him text. Her expression became amused. Subtle he was not. "I don't have anyone to bring."

Cal glanced up. The urge to pry was very strong. What happened to the guy the other night? "So you're not seein' anyone?" He asked casually.

"Not right now," Gillian answered lightly. Cal studied her expression quickly, then turned back to the phone. He hit send, closed the phone and looked up again. Gillian watched him impassively for a second then guessed: "Is Roger going to be there?"

"Yeah," Cal admitted.

"And will this be the first time you've met him?"

"Somethin' like that."

Gillian nodded knowingly. Cal's phone beeped twice. He opened it, read the message and looked up at the expectant Gillian. "She says awesome," he told her and promptly walked out of the office again.

**PJ**

Gillian walked briskly into Cal's office, her long legs in a steady stride, her heels clicking on the hard floor. The door was open. He looked up from his desk expectantly. "Got a minute?" Gillian asked.

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

"About Emily's birthday."

"You don't wanna go?" Cal interrupted.

"No, I was just wondering if we were going together?"

Cal took a second to think. "I don't see why not."

"Oh ok, so that doesn't break the rules?" Gillian asked passive-aggressively.

"What does that mean?" Cal asked giving her an expression of incomprehension.

"I thought we were avoiding each other," Gillian told him.

Cal gave her a bemused expression. "I'm not avoidin' you luv."

"Oh you're not?" She answered in a falsely surprised tone of voice but left it at that. "I'll pick you up ok?" Gillian told him in a softer tone. She started to back up out of the room.

"Yeah all right," Cal called his answer as she reached the door. Yep things were definitely weird. He knew it was about them but he wasn't sure if he had done something specific that was bugging her, or whether this was still about the old issue. He wasn't paying enough attention to what was bothering her so much. And that was mostly because he didn't know what to do about it.

**PJ**

Gillian knocked on Cal's front door. He opened it and stood aside to let her in. "You look nice," he told her.

"Thanks," Gillian responded. Cal closed the door behind her. "So do you."

Cal gave her a grin, pleased she had noticed. "I'm nearly ready."

"Ok," Gillian responded. She followed him to the lounge where he pulled his coat on and slipped his wallet into his back pocket. Gillian watched him get ready while pretending to be nonchalant. She didn't seem to notice when Cal stopped moving and stood watching her.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Cal suddenly said.

Gillian looked up in surprise but knew immediately what he was talking about. "I'm not hurt," she lied.

Cal watched her closely. "That was never my intention."

"What did you think would happen?"

So she was hurt. Cal gave her a look of apology. And she was right. He should have realised that when it came to Gillian he couldn't just mess around like he normally did. "I guess I was just bein' selfish."

Gillian gave him a rueful expression.

"I don't know how to make it work without all the pressure."

"Pressure?" Gillian asked.

"The pressure of it workin' out," Cal tried to explain.

"Less cryptic," Gillian told him stepping closer.

Cal took a few steps closer too until they were just a foot apart. "If we can't make it work, it won't just affect us. We have a whole bunch of employees that will gossip and speculate and if it ends badly I don't want to be splittin' our business down the middle."

"You're such a pessimist."

"Nah I'm a realist."

"_You're_ putting too much pressure on this," Gillian told him gently. "We're not talking about marriage. We're talking about, acting on a feeling, an attraction that we have for each other and seeing where it takes us."

"And what if that ends in disaster?"

"Then we'll franchise."

Cal gave her a grin, couldn't help it. "Start an office on the west coast?"

"I'll start an office on the west coast."

"You shouldn't be the one to leave. You were here first."

"Your daughter's here. I won't come between you and her. So I'll go."

"You seriously want to attempt a relationship with me?" Cal brought the conversation back to seriousness and his stomach gave a nervous little shiver.

Gillian laughed lightly. "We have a relationship now and it has worked quite successfully for the last six years. Why is that so hard to believe that I would want to take if further?"

"I take it you haven't talked to Zoë then."

Gillian gave him a light-hearted warning glare. "No," she answered forcefully. "I haven't exactly talked to Zoë."

"Maybe you should. She'd tell you what a nightmare it is to try and be with me."

Gillian gave him a disparaging expression. "I'm not going to try and change who you are Cal. I've had six years to know exactly what you're like."

Cal stepped closer and tilted his head to study her expression. "And that doesn't put you off?"

"No," Gillian told him with a steady gaze. "I don't have anything to hide from you. And I think you're..." She looked down at her feet for just a second, before her blue eyes were back on his. "A great guy."

Cal studied her intensely for a moment. "You really want to attempt this?"

"Yes." Gillian paused. "You make me feel... I think about how we kissed and... But I'm not going to talk you into something you don't want to do. Do you want to attempt it?"

"Yeah," Cal admitted bashfully.

Gillian smiled. It was funny and sweet to see him like this; almost shy and a little unsure. But genuine. "So we can make this official now? No more... wondering?"

Cal shook his head a little. "No more wonderin'," he breathed, his stomach tight.

"You want me?"

"God yes."

Gillian smiled, pleased; thrilled even. She let her body lean in closer to him, the tips of her fingers brushing his. She felt his hand twitch towards her, but he didn't take her hand and it was torturous that he wouldn't touch her, but also... intimate and enticing. "So we can make it official at the party." She leaned in to kiss him but he edged out of the way.

"Uh, I don't think we should say anythin'."

"Why not?"

"It's no one else's business."

Gillian's smile faltered slightly. "You want to keep it a secret? You, Cal Lightman, the bringer of truth, the man who fights to have all deceptions revealed no matter what the cost?"

"Are you makin' fun of me?" Cal asked with a serious expression but a glimmer of mockery in his tone.

Gillian smiled. "Why the secrecy? You've never cared what people think of you."

"Nah, but I care about what they think of you."

"Are you trying to be chivalrous?"

"Tryin'. People will talk, about your marriage and your divorce, and if I'm involved then they'll talk even more."

Gillian gave a shrug. "Let them talk."

"And you'd be all right with everyone talkin' about you and havin' to face them everyday?"

Gillian didn't answer.

"Thought so," Cal said anyway, having seen her response in her face.

"I don't need you to protect me. I am a big girl."

"I'm just sayin', maybe we don't need to draw any undue attention to whatever we're doin'."

Gillian saw something in his expression then gave a purposeful short laugh. "Ok, ok, I cave. We can keep it between ourselves for a while."

Cal didn't look triumphant though.

"We should go, otherwise you'll be late for your own daughter's sweet sixteen."

Cal continued to study her though.

"What?" Gillian finally asked.

"One thing I want to do first."

"Ok," Gillian agreed. She glanced down to see if she had missed something on the table where Cal had had his things waiting to go.

Cal leaned towards her and kissed her. It took a second for Gillian to get over the shock of warmth and put her hand on his shoulder. Cal placed a hand on her hip. He kissed her sweetly and then pulled away with a slight grin on his face. Gillian gave him a happy smile in return.

"Do you think that should be weird?"

"What?"

"Kissin'," Cal explained. "Should it be weird for us?"

"Maybe we should take that as a good sign." Gillian gave him an optimistic expression and then turned to the door. Cal watched her walk away thoughtfully. Oh hell, was he really doing this?


	8. Chapter 8

Cal and Gillian sat in his car outside her apartment kissing. Their arms were around each other the best that they could in the cramped space, their bodies turned awkwardly in their seats, and their kisses were soft and sweet but full of emotion. They were being patient, taking their time to savour the closeness, as if there were all the time in the world. It was different for Cal because he tended to be an impatient person, but also because most of his past relationships had been fuelled by explosive lust. He liked it this way a lot.

Cal pulled away slightly to see Gillian's face by the orange streetlight. "What?" He asked softly. This had been the night of their first official date. Cal had been nervous picking her up, which was stupid because they had gone to dinner many times before. Maybe it was because this was the first time he had actually picked her up instead of meeting her there. And because this time he was actually doing it as her... boyfriend or whatever.

"Nothing," Gillian tried to tell him. She leaned closer to him but he kept a consistent distance between them.

"You hesitated. What's wrong?"

"I didn't."

"Yes you did," Cal insisted.

"It's nothing."

"Did I do somethin'?"

"No!"

"Then?" Cal prompted.

"It's stupid," Gillian tried again to kiss him but Cal once again moved away from her slightly.

"I'm listenin'."

"I don't want to tell you."

"So I did do somethin'?" Cal asked with wide eyes.

"No," Gillian immediately responded reassuringly. She gave his arm a squeeze. She smiled, "No, you're great."

"So it's not me," Cal mused.

"You're not reading me are you?" Gillian asked with mild exasperation, knowing full well that he was.

"So it's you. Somethin' that's goin' on with you."

"Cal," Gillian warned.

"Your marriage?" Cal guessed. Gillian didn't respond while she thought of the best way to shut him down quickly, but something in her expression obviously gave her away. "You're thinkin' about Alec."

"That's not fair," Gillian told him pointedly.

"It's all right," Cal told her. "That you think about him. It's natural to do that."

"Am I not allowed to have anything private?"

"Nah," Cal answered her quickly and then finished his thought. "I think we're rushin' this."

"What?" Gillian exclaimed alarmed.

"You need more time," Cal gave her a concerned expression.

"I don't need more time," Gillian insisted.

"Yeah you do," Cal gave her an intense stare.

Gillian's features formed into a protest, then she hesitated under his gaze and finally conceded. "I feel guilty. Like I'm cheating on him." She winced. It sounded just as bad coming out of her mouth as it had in her head.

Cal nodded.

She frowned. "Is that really stupid?" She asked sincerely. "We've been apart for six months and we're practically divorced and yet I'm here with you and I can't help but feel like I'm betraying him in some way."

Cal watched her impassively.

"I'm sorry," Gillian continued. She sat back in her seat. "I shouldn't be talking to you about this."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to think that a part of me doesn't want to be here with you, when I _really_ do."

"I know you do, luv. And I'd rather you tell me the truth than try to spare my feelin's on somethin'."

Gillian gave him a small smile and quoted his own motto to him. "Truth or happiness right?"

Cal gave a cynical smile. "Somethin' like that, yeah."

Gillian watched him for a moment. "Please know it's not personal against you."

"I know luv."

"I think I need time to adjust to this."

"You know where to find me when you're ready."

"I'm not saying I want to stop altogether," Gillian added in alarm.

"We just need to take it slow."

"Yes."

**PJ**

They sat on Cal's couch. It was a deep chocolate brown colour and the walls in the living room were a dark olive green, which made the room rather dim but also intimate when the lamps were on. Cal was slouched back against the cushions with his feet on the wooden-framed glass coffee table. Gillian sat next to him, her feet crossed underneath her, facing him, with a glass of wine in her hand. "I would have loved to have seen his face then though," she said with an enthusiastic expression, her blue eyes shining. "It would have been the absolute picture of stunned."

Cal gave a grin. "But I needed you to talk to the wife."

"I know but, sometimes, you get all the fun," Gillian gave him a sweet smile. Cal watched her impassively, not agreeing but not disagreeing with her. Gillian placed her glass on the table; there was still wine in it. "It's getting late," she noted. A heavy nervousness suddenly descended on her stomach.

Cal sat up and looked at the clock on the mantle. He didn't comment but turned to Gillian. She leaned forward and kissed him. Cal kissed her back. Gillian parted her mouth and placed a hand at the back of his neck. Cal moved his hands to her back, pulling her closer. They kissed for a while. It was getting better, the kissing thing and Cal was crazy good at it too. And she'd had no idea he did actually have some patience in there somewhere; kissing never went further than kissing. Then Gillian started undoing the buttons on his shirt. She pulled it back from his shoulders and ran her hands across the skin of his shoulder and down the front of the white wife-beater he was wearing underneath. Cal pulled away from her mouth to kiss her neck and she murmured in delight. Then she broke away from him altogether and got to her feet. Cal looked up at her without expression. Gillian took his hand and pulled him to his feet, then led him from the room.

In the bedroom she turned and started kissing him again. Cal pressed his body against hers, their arms wrapped around each other. Gillian pulled Cal's undershirt off and let it drop to the floor. Then she pulled her own shirt over her head. Cal gave her body an appreciative glance before she was kissing him again. He let his hands play over her skin and moved her back to the bed. They fell to the mattress as Gillian reached for his trousers and the buttons holding them closed. Cal kissed her with more fervour, tracing his hands over the curves of her body, discovering it and learning it for the first time, feeling for the places she reacted the most. They undressed each other, their breaths coming laboured.

They made love. Cal stayed close to her, kissing her lips, her neck and Gillian held him tightly as she moved against him. She was nervous because she hadn't been with anyone new in a long time; sex with Alec had reached the comfortable stage, the stage where she didn't have to think about it too much because she had been having sex with him for ten years. She knew automatically what he liked in bed. And yet she was excited too because despite herself and all those warnings about taking it easy, she was intensely attracted to Cal. She had wanted to be close to him for a while but had not found the nerve. She couldn't help but call his name, all thoughts of Alec gone, her mind completely intoxicated with Cal Lightman. He murmured her name softly once as their lovemaking came to an end but mostly remained quiet. He studied her face carefully afterward while she looked up at him. "You all right?" He asked with a tiny hint of mild concern.

"Yeah," Gillian responded warmly. Her cheeks were flushed and she smiled genuinely. She was pleased and not just because Cal was a good lover. She felt alive again and realised she had stopped making love with Alec long before their marriage had been over. Being with Cal felt right.

Cal moved away. Then he looked pretty pleased with himself. He lay back against the pillow with a grin on his face for a moment. Then he leaned up again and readjusted the blanket around Gillian's body, making sure it was covered. He found the sheet in a tangle. "What have you done to this?" He complained.

"Me?" Gillian responded indignantly. Cal dug beneath the covers to untangle it. "Hey! Watch your hands," Gillian warned him, squirming slightly as his fingers brushed tightly against her thigh.

Cal gave her a grin. He pulled the sheet straight as much as he could and lay back again. Then he turned his head against the pillow to look at her. He waited until she turned her head to look at him. "You're pretty amazin'."

Gillian rolled onto her side to face him, tucking her hair under her head and gave him a genuine smile. "So are you."

**PJ**

Cal shifted in his sleep, moving his arm to where he thought Gillian should be in his bed. But he found only empty mattress so opened his eyes concerned. He was pretty sure he hadn't imagined last night. Gillian was standing at the end of the bed doing up the buttons on her shirt. "Where are you goin'?" Cal asked sleepily.

"I have to go home," Gillian told him in a whisper.

"What for?"

"I need a change of clothes."

Cal realised the room was getting lighter and that it must be early in the morning. She was talking about going to work. "Nah just wear that," he suggested.

"People might talk," Gillian pointed out. She slipped her shoes on.

"Let them talk," Cal answered immediately. Gillian fixed him with an unimpressed expression. "Well, go later," he tried to cajole.

"I have to go now, so I have time to shower and change before work."

Cal looked at the clock beside the bed. The red glowing letters denoted it was just after six thirty in the morning. "There's heaps of time."

"And I still have to drive home and have breakfast," Gillian pointed out, slipping into her cardigan.

"Well bring a change of clothes next time."

"I wasn't exactly _planning_ on staying _this_ time," Gillian told him with a smile that he probably couldn't see in the semi-darkness.

Cal grinned to himself. He watched her readjust her collar. "Don't sneak out luv."

"I wasn't. I didn't want to disturb you."

"Feel free to disturb me anytime."

Gillian gave him a light smile. "I'll see you at work ok?"

"Yeah all right," Cal watched her walk across the room. "Hey," he objected.

Gillian padded towards him, leaned down and kissed him.

"You smell heavenly," Cal told her in a whisper.

"Mm, I smell like sex and Cal Lightman."

Cal's lip curled up in a sign of amusement.

"Thanks for last night," she told him softly.

"It was my pleasure," he answered causing both of them to grin.

**PJ**

By the time Cal got to the office Gillian was already there. His stomach tightened when he saw her and he allowed a few seconds of picturing her the way she was last night. She gave him a smile in greeting but she was talking to Ria, their newest associate, probably about a case, so Cal left her to it. He sauntered past the reception desk. Heidi held out his mail for him and he thanked her quietly because she was on the phone. The lights were already on in his office but he had to power up his computer and while he waited for it to boot he flicked through the mail. A credit card offer, Greenpeace, an information pack he had requested from the British government six months ago that was now completely irrelevant and a large envelope with the seal of the tax department. He got up again and headed through the building.

"Doctor Lightman?" Loker interrupted him.

"What?"

"Can I show you something?"

"In a minute I need to talk to Fosta."

"Okay," Loker turned away unperturbed.

Gillian was in her office by then so Cal tapped on the open glass door as he came through it. Gillian looked up and gave him a brilliant smile. "Good morning."

"This is for you," Cal held out the manila envelope.

"What is it?"

"Tax department."

"Ok," Gillian opened the packaged and slipped out the papers. She scanned them while Cal hovered. He didn't give a toss what the IRS wanted, he just liked being near her. Especially when the sun coming through the windows behind her made her hair glow and the little furrow in her forehead was so…

"It's nothing." She looked up at him.

"I wasn't worried."

"Ok," she gave him an amused frown, asking silently what he was still doing there.

"I was just thinkin' about last night," Cal told her in explanation. He saw her sudden intake of breath, a sign that she was shocked. Her eyes slid to the door.

"Cal!" She admonished. He grinned at her and knew she was now thinking of the same thing because she blushed a little. "Go away and do some work."

**PJ**

Cal had a restless day. He spent time with Loker in the video suite and then an hour with Ria to give her advice about the case she was handling on her own. Somehow he didn't see Gillian that much. He went to ask her if she wanted to have lunch together but she had gone out, working on a case of her own. Which left Cal alone in the office, the only one of his associates not actually involved in an active investigation. That almost never happened. So he spent the time going over his own research notes and then a lecture he had been asked to give for the FBI recruit academy in two weeks time. There was always a project on the go, always something to work on. Thoughts of Gillian were a bit of a distraction though and the fact that they went through the day without seeing each other only fuelled the diversion.

Cal ended up leaving without seeing Gillian again. She was held up apparently but she hadn't called him to let him know, something she usually did. He risked calling her while he was stopped at a traffic light. If she was busy she would let it go to voicemail. She answered it.

"Where are you?" Cal accused.

"I'm on my way back to the office. Where are you?" She asked lightly, curiously. She could probably hear the noise of the car engine.

"On my way home."

"Oh."

A pause.

"I didn't know how long you were gonna be," Cal offered in a gentler tone.

"Yeah neither did I. I didn't want to leave Sarah straight away."

"Fair enough."

Another pause.

"Are you comin' over?"

"I'd like that."

Cal could hear excitement in her voice.

**PJ**

"Hey you."

"Hey," Gillian greeted a little less enthusiastically.

"What's wrong with you?"

Gillian stepped inside as the door was widened for her.

"Coffee?"

"Yes please."

They moved to the kitchen. "So out with it. What's bothering you? You only show up here when you want a professional opinion."

Gillian gave a frown and opened her mouth to protest.

"Oh come on," Casey interrupted. "It's hard to have a normal conversation with a friend who is also a psychologist. We're constantly solving each other's problems. Don't tell me you don't do it too." She fixed Gillian with a knowing arrogant expression for a moment until Gillian answered her.

"I slept with Cal."

A few times.

"What!?" Casey turned to her with surprised delight.

"I know," Gillian couldn't help but smile.

"How was it?'

"Good."

"Just good?" Casey asked in disbelief.

"It was really good," Gillian was smiling stupidly again. Beyond good. Insanely good. Better than it should be. Better than it had ever been. Her body remembered him, tingly in her fingers and toes.

Casey matched her grin. "Then how is that a bad thing?"

Gillian sighed and sat at the kitchen table. It was wooden, round and painted white. The room was a sunflower yellow and in the middle of summer the room was so bright it required the use of sunglasses. "It's complicated."

"Honey, it's as complicated as you want to make it."

"He's my business partner."

"So? Plenty of people hook up with their business partners."

Gillian gave her an unimpressed disbelieving expression. "No they don't."

"Ok, they usually sleep with their boss. Is that what's bothering you? You slept with the boss?"

"Cal is not my boss," Gillian insisted.

"But you look up to him."

That was true and it made Gillian look away.

"Are you worried about what other people will think?" Casey asked gently, while pouring the recently boiled water.

"I don't know," Gillian responded. "I just… wonder if it's too soon after Alec. I really want Cal and I think about him a lot, you know."

"Let me stop you there," Casey interrupted bringing the two mugs to the table where Gillian sat. "Alec was not good enough for you and you married him anyway cos you thought that's what you deserved."

Gillian looked offended but Casey held up a hand to forestall her. "Cal is someone you do deserve and you think you don't." She laughed suddenly. "That's actually really funny."

"You're not helping."

"Look, Cal has always respected you, always admired you, always valued you; it's kind of normal that you'd be attracted to that. Isn't that what you're getting around to asking me? If you're attracted to him for the right reasons?"

Gillian gave a slight nod. Trust Casey to figure out the real reason she was there in less than ten minutes. She was almost as talented as Cal, but Casey could read people by intuition and Cal had a methodical science. And Casey was more effective with people she knew, drawing on past knowledge to predict how people would react. Cal could see everything about someone he had just met.

"He's a very intelligent, successful man who strives to do the right thing, but is just flawed enough to remain grounded, and from what I hear, he has a very cute British accent."

Gillian smiled softly again. Yeah, that was Cal.

"What's not to be attracted to?"


	9. Chapter 9

Cal strolled along the corridors on his way to Gillian's office. The door was open so he swung in. "Hey Gill can you take a look at…" he looked up and saw Alec sitting opposite the desk and Gillian in the spare seat next to him, leaning forwards, toward her husband. Cal stopped abruptly. He felt the blood drain out of his face, his cheeks went tingly. The blood would have re-routed to his legs, a flight response. He wished he had paid attention before entering. Alec's timing was perfect, they had been sleeping together for no more than a week and now here he was. Gillian looked up at him surprised and Alec, who was sitting with his back to the door, turned to watch him over his shoulder. "Sorry, didn't realise you were here Alec."

"Good to see you again Cal," Alec responded.

Gillian got up. She approached Cal quickly and started to sweep him out the door, placing her hands on his upper arm and shoulder. "I'll just be a minute," she told her husband over her shoulder, then pushed Cal out of the room by force. "We were just talking," she explained in a very low voice once they were in the corridor.

"I should've knocked," Cal commented very nonchalantly. He immediately stepped out of her touch and started to back down the hallway away from her while holding her gaze.

Gillian watched his expression. "Cal," she tried to stop him with her tone.

"Go, talk, or whateva," Cal waved her away. "This can wait." He turned on his heel and strutted away. Gillian watched him go, concerned. When he turned a corner Gillian hesitated, then moved back into her office. She closed the door.

"What was that about?" Alec asked lightly when she was sitting again.

"Just a case we're working on," Gillian responded. She turned to him again. "You know how Cal can be. He takes things personally." She gave him an encouraging expression, to continue the conversation, but she was distracted.

**PJ**

Gillian approached Cal's office. She looked through the glass first to make sure he was alone. He was watching the video of their latest case interview. She tapped on his door and entered. "I'm busy," he responded roughly without looking up.

"I need to talk to you."

"Come back late-a, I'm busy."

Gillian crossed the room and stood in front of the screen. "You don't get to push me away on this."

"We had an agreement to keep work for work and our personal business at home," Cal challenged.

"Let me explain what Alec was doing here."

"You don't have to explain anythin'. He's your husband. You have every right to be in his company."

"Ex-husband," Gillian corrected. "I never promised _not_ to see him, so you don't get to be mad at me about that. But he was here to talk about our divorce. Ok? Nothing else. We were talking about what we're going to do with the house."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me."

"No I don't," Gillian agreed evenly. "But I know that you will obsess until you get the truth anyway and I would rather just tell you now than have you skulking around trying to get it out of me later."

"I don't obsess."

"Yes you do," Gillian told him honestly. "But I knew that about you before we ever…" She paused; her eyes flickered towards the door. "So I understand."

Cal sat, watching her defiantly.

"This is the first time I've seen Alec in months. I didn't know he was dropping in. We talked about the house. We're still getting divorced. It's taking too long because he's been out of the country with work. But can you understand there are still loose ends to tie up?"

"I understand," Cal answered with a tight voice.

"And you know I'm telling you the truth right?" Gillian looked him in the eye very pointedly.

"I can see that yeah."

"Ok, then carry on," Gillian expected more of a reaction from him so when she left she was annoyed too.

**PJ**

Gillian knocked on Cal's front door. She was in two minds about being there just then. A part of her knew she was pandering to Cal's habit of sulking but another part also knew that if she didn't make the first move towards brokering peace then the tension could potentially drag out for weeks. Cal was far too good at being stubborn. Only this time she would also be the one suffering for it. She didn't want her relationship with Cal to stall for a few weeks. They were on to a good thing and she didn't want to suddenly start treading water. Cal opened the door with his shirt sleeves rolled up. He was wearing red socks. "I was wonderin' if you would come ova."

"I almost didn't," Gillian admitted.

"I'm glad you did," Cal took her coat and they moved through to the lounge.

"Apology accepted," Gillian started conversation.

"You're so sure I would apologise?"

"Yes," Gillian answered confidently.

Cal gave her an amused expression. "Do you want me to say I'm sorry or not?"

Gillian smiled. "It doesn't matter."

"I wouldn't normally consida myself to be jealous," Cal seemed to be struggling with the words. "But when I saw him, and we're pretendin' nothin's goin' on between us so he thinks…"

Gillian watched him carefully. "You were the one who wanted to make sure no one knew anything was going on between us."

"I still stand by that," Cal quickly cut in.

"Nothing's going on with me and him. Alec and I are getting divorced. You need to trust me on that."

"I trust you. It's him I don't trust."

"Why? He hasn't done anything."

"But he wants to."

"What?" Gillian asked incredulously and embarrassed.

"I saw the way he tilted his head at you. He scratched his nose, twice, just when I was in the room."

Gillian kept her expression neutral. "I didn't see that."

"You don't see what I see."

"No one does."

Cal's expression fell slightly.

"I know that you're going to be around Zoe sometimes. You have a daughter together, a history, and I can't change that. But I trust you to be fair to me, even if she does flirt with you. And we both know that she does," Gillian curbed his objection before he could voice it.

"I do trust you," Cal reiterated.

"Thank you," Gillian told him sincerely.

Cal watched her with a neutral expression. "I know I don't let you in much luv. I don't talk to you about what's goin' on up here," he gestured to his head.

"That's who you are Cal, and I'm not going to try to change you. We're both too old for that," Gillian reassured him.

"Nah I wanna let you in a bit more. I think you could be a good influence on me."

"Influence?"

"You're not as cynical. And you're a lot more acceptin' of other people. I like that about you. I think that's a good trait to have."

Gillian gave him a smile. She was flattered. Cal was right though, he did tend to be frugal with what he was thinking. This was nice. She approached and slipped her hands into his. "I like it when you're a bit vulnerable."

"Vulnerable?"

"When you show that you're human, like the rest of us."

Cal gave her an amused expression. "You're startin' to sound a bit like Zoe."

Gillian pointed her finger at him in a light warning. "Let that be the last time you ever compare me to your ex-wife."

Cal grinned. "Noted."

Gillian smiled. She moved closer to him and put her arms around his neck. Cal placed his hands on the small of her back. They were warm through her shirt.

"You're nothin' like her by the way."

"Good. You're nothing like Alec either."

Cal cleared his throat uncomfortably. "How is that divorce comin' along anyway?"

**PJ**

"Did you know that you're officially the first woman to have slept in this bed?"

Gillian gave him a disbelieving smirk. "What, you don't bring all the women you date home?"

"I don't bring women home."

"You go to their place?"

"Nah, I don't date."

Gillian gave him a curious expression. "There must have been someone since Zoe though, right?"

"Nah," Cal gave a dismissive shake of his head. "Nothin' serious."

"You haven't been holding out for me this whole time?" Gillian asked incredulously, leaning on her elbow and resting her head on her hand.

"Don't flatta yourself," Cal dismissed lightly. Then he gave an impish grin. "It was just in the last few years."

Gillian listened to him intently. "Did you wait for my marriage to fall apart before finally making a move?"

"Might have been a slight facta."

"What if it had never ended between Alec and I?"

"Then I'd still be waitin'," Cal answered seriously.

"You would have missed so many opportunities to be happy," Gillian told him softly, with wonderment in her eyes.

"Truth or happiness, neva both," Cal reminded her.

"You know, that's a very sad philosophy."

Cal didn't respond.

Gillian moved her head so it was resting against his. She put a hand on his shoulder, brushing her fingers lightly over the tattoo on his right shoulder, as if she could feel it there. His shoulder was smooth, the ink embedded in the skin. "What does this mean?"

"Uh, it means 'love' in Sanskrit. I got it afta Zoe and I got married. It was supposed to symbolise what we had, but I guess things change."

"You could always make it mean something else."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"That you believe love is out there."

Cal gave a short laugh of displeasure.

Gillian tried not to feel hurt at his blasé attitude. "Or that you love your daughter."

"There's a love you can't describe," Cal noted.

Gillian's hand inadvertently went still.

"Sorry," Cal shifted away so he could look at her.

Gillian dismissed the comment with a slight shake of her head. Her eyes continued to show warmth. "For what?"

"Rubbin' your face in it."

"I don't mind talking about it. You have a daughter and that's an important thing about you. I like that about you."

"I wish you'd had kids. You would have been an amazin' mutha," Cal held her gaze steadily.

"Thanks Cal," Gillian noted softly.

**PJ**

Gillian slept, lying on her front with a sheet across her back and her face pressed into a pillow. Cal was on the mattress next to her but he was sitting up, reading with a lamp on that was facing away from Gillian's face. He glanced over at her, watched her for a moment, marvelled at his good fortune of having her there, then heard a noise in the front of the house and stared at the door. He closed his book, slipped off his glasses and slid out of bed. He reached for a t-shirt and pulled it over his head as he moved towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Gillian asked with sleepy alarm.

"I think Emily just came in."

"You didn't tell me she was staying?"

"I didn't know," Cal gave her wide eyes of honesty.

"Then I should go." Gillian started to sit up.

"What?" Cal asked with an alarmed whisper. He started back towards the bed. "Don't go home." He said quickly.

"Cal," Gillian started to protest.

He backed up again as he said, "Stay there I won't be a minute." He opened the door and walked away, making sure the door swung shut behind him.

Emily was about to enter her bedroom. She looked like she'd been busted doing something she shouldn't. "I wasn't sure if you were awake."

"I was just readin' luv," Cal responded. "What are you doin' here?"

"Am I not allowed to be here?"

"Of course you are. This is your home too. Did I know you were comin' over?"

"No. I didn't know either until about twenty minutes ago," Emily crossed one arm over her body.

Cal watched the movement like a hawk. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Emily tried to dismiss.

Cal took a step closer. "Did somethin' happen with Dan?"

"No Dad," Emily walked into her room. Cal followed close behind. "You're supposed to respect my room."

"I do respect your room. But I'm concerned about you luv and that makes the boundaries wave-a. What happened tonight?"

"Mom and I had a fight ok?"

"You fought with your mutha?" Cal repeated surprised.

"Yeah, ok, she's harassing me about dropping art from my subjects."

"She wants you to drop art?"

"No she wants me to continue taking art."

"Why are you not takin' art?"

"Dad," Emily complained.

"Ok we'll talk about that late-a."

"I just want to go to bed."

"Well ok but I need to know that you're all right."

"I'm ok Dad," Emily insisted as she sat on her mattress.

"Ok," Cal conceded. He watched her for some other sort of reaction. "Did your mutha drop you off?"

"No I got a taxi."

Cal narrowed his eyes. "Does your mutha know that you're here?"

Emily looked away.

"Em, you should call her."

"I don't want to talk to her right now."

"You can't walk out and not tell her where you're goin'. You need to call her and let her know that you're safe. She'll be worried."

"I really don't want to talk to her right now," Emily repeated more insistently.

"Ok, well, I'll call her."

"No, Dad. Don't. She'll just come here to get me."

"I won't let her all right? But she'll be worried sick if she doesn't know that you're somewhere safe."

Emily glared at him initially then her expression softened. She knew he was right.

"Goodnight luv," Cal kissed her forehead.

"Goodnight Dad."

Cal left the room and went to the phone on the kitchen counter. He dialled.

"Cal?" Zoe answered.

"Yeah Zoe, look, Emily's here with me."

"She is? Thank god. I'll come and get her."

"No, no, no, don't do that. She needs space to cool off."

"Cal, you can't stop me from seeing my daughter."

"No I can't, but I'm tellin' you it might be a good idea to back off a bit. She seems really upset."

"She's just avoiding the issue."

"You can talk to her about it tomorrow. I just wanted you to know that she's here and that she's safe," Cal said pointedly. "It's late. Just let her stay put for tonight. It's betta than her goin' to Dan."

"Ok," Zoe sighed. "I'll call her in the morning."

"Ok do that."

"Thanks Cal," Zoe added reluctantly.

"Is there anythin' else I can do?"

"Can you take her to school tomorrow?"

"Of course."

Cal made sure the front door was locked before heading back to bed. Gillian was in the process of getting dressed. She was sitting up in bed doing up the buttons on her shirt. In front of her was the skirt she had been wearing earlier.

"What are you doin'?" Cal asked in an accusing whisper, closing the door softly behind him.

"Cal I should really go."

"Why?"

"Because Emily's here."

"That is a terrible excuse. It doesn't matta if Emily's here," Cal crossed the room and sat on the bed opposite where Gillian hesitated in her dressing.

"Does she know that I'm here?"

"No."

"Then it matters."

"She won't mind," Cal offered.

"Not the point. _I_ mind. I don't want her to suddenly find out because I'm here. I don't want to be in the middle of your relationship with her."

"You're not. She's sixteen, not six. She's not in the middle of this."

"Exactly, she's sixteen, she's not a little kid. You can't keep her in the dark about everything; it's just going to end up pushing her away." Gillian watched him. "In the morning, you don't think it might be awkward if we run into each other in the kitchen or the bathroom and she's not expecting me to be here?"

"She won't be bothered."

"You bring a lot of women home do you?" Gillian asked with mock accusation.

"None at all," Cal answered seriously.

"So you don't think you should talk to her about it first? Maybe warn her that you're seeing someone? And that that someone in particular is me?"

"She likes you."

"I like her too," Gillian gave him a warm smile. "But don't think you can change the subject."

"Now might not be the right time to tell her."

"Is she ok?" Gillian asked looking concerned.

"She had a fight with her Mum but I think she just needs to cool down. They can sort it out tomorrow."

Gillian nodded to show she understood. "We can't stay a secret forever."

"I know," Cal agreed. "Just let me pick the moment."

"Ok," Gillian conceded. "When _are_ we going to tell people?"

Cal studied her expression. The silence stretched out and Gillian realised he wasn't going to answer. She gave an exasperated sigh.

"Please stay. I want you to," he gave her his puppy dog eyes.

Gillian's expression softened. "You can be sweet sometimes."

Cal gave her a triumphant grin. "So you'll stay."

"Yes I'll stay."

"Good," Cal leaned across the bed and kissed her softly. "I like you bein' here."

Gillian gave him a smile.

"You look comfortable.  
Gillian's forehead creased. "What?"

"You look comfortable. When you're asleep. Peaceful. That's nice," Cal nodded to prove his point but Gillian continued to wonder what he was talking about. "You look comfortable when you're asleep, that means you're comfortable bein' here in the first place." He gestured to the room at large. "That's a good thing."

"Ah, I get it," Gillian finally responded. She nodded. "I'm comfortable being around you," she expounded.

"Also a good thing," Cal pointed out.

Gillian kissed him. "Mm," she murmured in agreement.

Cal reached for the buttons on her shirt. "Let's get this off then."

**PJ**

The next morning Cal was in the kitchen in his work trousers and a shirt, finishing his bowl of cereal. Gillian had already snuck out at some ungodly hour. Emily entered the room already dressed in jeans and a light pink jersey with her schoolbag over her shoulder. "Morning Dad."

"Mornin' luv. Sleep all right?"

"Yeah," Emily responded. "I'm ready for school," she announced.

"Did your mutha call?"

"Yeah. We talked. We're cool."

Cal nodded. "Are you gonna have somethin' to eat first?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Eat somethin'," Cal pointed a finger at her. Emily pulled an apple out of the bowl and took a bite. "You wanna talk about the art thing luv?"

"No. I've made my decision and I want you and Mom to respect it."

"I'm just curious about what brought this change of heart. You gone off paintin'?"

"No it's not that. It's just that, if I want to get into some good colleges, I need to focus on the more academic subjects."

Cal studied her expression to see that that was the truth. "And you explained this to your Mum?"

"Yeah. And she thinks I shouldn't worry about that and I should continue painting. She says I'm smart enough to get in anyway."

"I think you should keep paintin' too. And I also think you're smart enough."

"I will keep painting but I want to focus on getting into college first. I can take some art courses once I'm there."

"All right, if you've thought this through," Cal conceded.

"I have."

"Come on then I'll take you to school."


	10. Chapter 10

Gillian knocked on the door. Emily answered. "Hi GIllian," she stepped back to let her inside.

"Emily hi. I didn't know you were here tonight?" Gillian reluctantly entered.

"Yeah Mom's out of town on business," Emily explained as she shut the door behind them. "Come in."

Gillian nodded but she looked awkward. Cal appeared in the hallway in socks and with an apron over his shirt. Gillian's expression brightened when she saw him but he kept his neutral. Emily headed back to her room.

"All right?" He asked Gillian. He kissed her cheek softly.

"You didn't mention Emily was going to be here," Gillian spoke in a low voice.

"It's all right; she's goin' out for dinna and a movie with Dan."

Gillian gave him a disparaging expression.

"She won't think anythin' of it," Call assured her, guessing at her discomfort. He reached for her coat, letting his fingers brush lightly along her neck. Gillian savoured the touch for a moment. But only because they were alone. "We have dinna sometimes," Cal continued. "If she asks, I'll just tell her it's a business thing."

"With a bottle of wine?"

Cal gave her his impish smile that was meant to win her over. Gillian gave him a warning expression, she wasn't impressed, and handed over the bottle anyway. Cal took it and led the way to the kitchen.

"Smells great, what are you making?"

"Chicken, rice and stir fry veges," Cal responded. "I can cook but I'm not a masta chef. Is that all right?"

"That you're not a master chef?" Gillian leaned her arms on top of the bench. "I'm going to have to rethink things." She grinned. Cal gave her a disparaging expression before he glanced briefly down the front of her shirt and then turned to lift the lid on a pot and check inside. Gillian felt the little flutter of delight that he was checking her out and wasn't exactly being subtle about it. "Can I do anything to help?"

"No, no, no, you sit. I'll cook. Do you want some wine now?"

"I'd love some," Gillian responded with a warm smile, starting to forget that his daughter was in the house and that she didn't know about them; this just felt like any other date night.

Cal turned to the bottle sitting on the bench and started to open it.

"Ok I'm going now," Emily entered pulling her coat over her arm.

Gillian hurriedly straightened up.

"Ok luv, have a good time," Cal answered.

There was a moment's silence.

"You feeling ok Dad?" Emily asked surprised.

Gillian stared at Cal. He looked between both of them. "What?" He asked.

"No interrogation?" Emily asked. "Ok I'll take it."

"Hang on," Cal finally caught Gillian's meaningful glare. "What time will you be back?"

"After the movie. Nine thirty."

"All right I'll expect you at nine thirty then."

"Ok," Emily responded with mock exasperation.

"Isn't Dan pickin' you up?"

"He's meeting me out the front."

"All right," Cal sighed. "Have a good time."

"Yeah you guys have a good…," Emily waved her hand at the room as though she didn't know what the hell they were doing.

When they heard the front door Gillian moved to give Cal's shoulder a soft punch. "What was that for?" Cal objected.

"You," Gillian admonished.

"What did I do?"

"You're behaving differently."

"I am not," Cal protested lightly when she pulled away. His hands were around the small of her back, keeping her close. He gave her a slight smile, his gaze tender and Gillian's hands curling into his hair.

"No interrogation before she goes out? Even Emily picked up on that," Gillian nudged her hips into his.

"I don't interrogate her all the time."

"She suspects."

"She doesn't," he insisted.

"She does now that you're being weird."

"How am I bein' weird?" Cal asked surprised.

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Don't suddenly pretend to me that you don't know how to be deceptive."

Cal let her go to pour the wine. "I'm just out of practice with this," he handed her a glass and then gestured between them, meaning their fledging relationship was still something he was getting used to. They had only been dating a few months after all. "So what are we celebratin' exactly?"

"My divorce. It is official."

Cal raised his eyebrows while studying her face. Gillian laughed. "I'm ok about it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Gillian insisted. "It's worked out for the better I think." She gave him a cautious smile. Cal gave her a grin. They clinked their glasses and sipped. "So I was thinking maybe we could start telling people about you and me now."

"Why all of a sudden?" Cal asked carefully.

"I'm not married anymore. Isn't that what you were waiting for? You wanted to be sure Alec and I weren't going to get back together?" Gillian reached out to put a hand on the bench and leaned against it.

Cal's surprise flashed over his face for a second. "How did you know that?"

"I worked it out," Gillian told him pointedly. "That's what I do."

"I knew datin' a shrink would have its drawbacks," Cal responded snidely.

"I really think you should tell Emily first though."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's important."

"How's that…?" Cal went to ask.

Gillian interrupted him. "It's important to her. You're her father. You're building a relationship based on trust and honesty and friendship now that she's growing up. And you need to show her that she's important to you by telling her about significant life events. And that way she'll feel she can reciprocate."

"It's a life event is it?"

"You don't think we're a big deal?" Gillian asked curiously.

"No I do," Cal was immediately adamant. "You're right. I should tell her."

**PJ**

Cal arrived home from a Saturday morning in the office and approached Emily's bedroom door. It was open but he tapped on it lightly anyway. Emily was sitting on her bed reading a novel and she looked up at the noise. "Hey Dad. How was work? You sort everything out?"

"All right luv," Cal greeted. "Yeah everythin's sorted. What'd you get up to?"

Emily gave a shrug and a mouth frown. "Nothing."

Cal opened his mouth to comment on her expression but changed his mind and entered the room. He needed to do this before he chickened out. Gillian's words last night were, as always, very insightful. He did need to build a better relationship with his daughter. He spent too much time shutting her out of his life too. "I need to talk to you about somethin'."

"Ok," Emily responded innocently. Cal took a seat on the edge of her bed. "You look very serious," Emily noted. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah everythin's fine," Cal responded. "Um, I need to tell you somethin' but the information's kind of sensitive."

"Ok," Emily noted looking a little scared.

Cal hesitated. "I've been seein' someone."

Emily looked delighted. "Dad! Wow! I'm impressed. Wait, properly seeing someone? Not just... sleeping with someone? In which case, I don't need to know."

"No," Cal scoffed. "Not that. I mean propa seein' someone. Datin'."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Uh, a while," Cal admitted.

"Oh man! I knew something was different with you. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to be sure it was a sure thing I guess."

"That's so typical," Emily rolled her eyes. "What's her name?"

"It's Docta Fosta."

Emily looked stunned. "What?"

"I've been seein' Gilian."

"Dad! What's wrong with you? She's married."

"Actually she's divorced. Came through a few days ago."

"But how long have you been dating?"

"About three or four months roughly."

Emily looked at him in disbelief. "And it's serious?"

"Yeah," Cal answered looking her in the eye.

"And you're happy?"

"Yeah," Cal repeated.

"Is she happy?"

"I think so."

Emily gave a smile. "Then that's great Dad."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Maybe sleeping with someone you work with isn't such a bright idea but if you're happy…"

"I am happy," Cal interrupted with a small grin.

Emily looked excited. "Are you in love with her?"

"Love's a bit strong."

"So you are," Emily answered herself.

Cal looked shocked for a moment and then hid it. "I don't know if you can be in love anymore at my age."

"You can be in love at any age," Emily told him. "I'm really happy for you Dad."

"Thanks luv."

"Why is it sensitive information?"

"Uh, well, with your mutha."

"She's married now Dad," Emily interrupted again. "She doesn't care."

"Thanks a lot."

"I meant," Emily corrected. "She doesn't get to care that you're seeing someone anymore."

"I just think, if you happened to talk to her about it, you could be subtle. Try and spare her feelin's a little."

Emily smiled, amused. "You mean, it's not about me telling her that you're dating someone, it's that you're dating Doctor Foster."

Cal shouldn't have been surprised at her perceptiveness but he was stunned for a second nonetheless. "Somethin' like that yeah."

"Ok. But you're going to tell her eventually right?"

"Yeah eventually we'll tell everyone."

"No one else knows?" Emily asked looking surprised.

"No."

"Why not? You're not ashamed are you?"

"No, no, no, nothin' like that. It was complicated before, with Gillian gettin' divorced and us workin' togetha, so we were just bein' cautious."

Emily nodded. "Fair enough. In case it doesn't work out, right?" She teased.

"You sayin' you have no faith in my ability to make relationships work?"

"I'm just saying it's been awhile."

Cal narrowed his eyes at her. "All right, enough talkin'. You got homework?" He got up to leave.

"Hey Dad," Emily stopped him.

"Yeah luv?"

"I'm glad it's Gillian. She's so good for you."

"Yeah, I'm beginnin' to see that too," Cal agreed with a wry smile. That went well.

**PJ**

Cal stood at the mirror knotting a black tie carefully. He was also in a white shirt and black suit. His hair was combed back and held in place with expensive hair gel Emily kept him supplied in. He was cleanly shaven. He readjusted the knot at his neck when Gillian entered the bathroom. She was in a black dress and her hair was sleek and straight. Her eyes were darkened by black eye make-up and her skin flawless. Cal stared at her. It wasn't often she got _this_ dressed up, but before he could comment on how amazing she looked Gillian said, "Wow, look at you. You look great."

"I was just thinkin' that about you," Cal countered.

Gillian approached and Cal turned away from the mirror. She reached for his collar to readjust one of the corners that had turned up and he just reached for her. "Remind me why we have to go to these stupid charity events?" Cal asked.

"Because I like going and it's a great opportunity for us to meet new people, get our name out there and network, which means more business, which means more money, which is always a good thing."

"So it's a business thing?" Cal clarified.

"Yes," Gillian responded. She stood in front of him letting her hands rest on his chest, just below his shoulders. As always, she seemed excited. "Plus, they have the best dessert buffet."

"Ah so it's the food."

"Some of it. Mostly it's about the business. Which you should care about too." She gave his chest a pat and moved away to the bedroom, where she began to gather her purse and essential items.

Cal followed and watched her from the doorway. He leaned against the frame. "You know Zoe will be there?"

"Yeah I know," Gillian answered neutrally from the bed. She closed the clasp on her purse and straightened up to give him her attention. The dress she was wearing was another 'little black dress'. Cal marvelled at how many she could produce and, as always, how amazing she looked in them. This one was knee length, loose around the waist and more fitting around the bust. She wasn't wearing a bra and he spent too much time thinking about that for the rest of the evening.

"Where did all that stuff come from?" Cal indicated the assorted items on the mattress.

"What do you mean?" Gillian asked innocently.

"Did you bring all that stuff with you just now?"

"Um, yeah."

"Do you always travel around with that stuff?"

"If I need it."

"It's a lot of stuff to travel around with."

Gillian looked down at the assorted make-up items. The straighteners she had used on her hair. Moisturiser, hair product and nail polish. The clothes she had worn over in the first place. It made sense to her. "I need it to make me look beautiful," she responded with a bemused laugh.

"First of all, you don't need it to look beautiful. And second, maybe you could leave some of it here." Cal gave her a 'what-do-you-think expression'.

"Permanently?"

"Yeah. You're here all the time anyway. It'd make sense for you to have some things here, clothes and make-up and whateva else you need," Cal gave a nonchalant shrug.

"That's a big step," Gillian noted, pleased and impressed.

"I can clear out a drawer."

Gillian gave him a smile. But she didn't directly answer. She headed towards the bed room door.

"Maybe some space in the wardrobe."

"We should go," Gillian changed the subject, brushing past him to the hallway.

"You want to take my car or yours?" Cal asked following the change in topic and her to the front door.

"Yours. You picked me up remember?"

"Right," Cal agreed. Now that Emily knew, but no one else did yet, it definitely felt like they were living a double life. He retrieved his wallet and keys from a table in the hallway. They pulled dark coats on.

They were holding hands in the car until they come into view of the hall where the function was being held. Once the valets came into sight though, they pulled apart. Cal handed over the keys and took the ticket. He put his arm out to guide Gillian into the building. They checked their coats as they entered and handed over their tickets for the event. Cal fidgeted with his tie. It felt claustrophobic.

"You look great," Gillian told him, leaning close to his ear. Cal caught the strong scent of her perfume. He glanced over at her as they walked. _She_ looked amazing. He couldn't think of any other way to describe how beautiful she was and he continued to watch her as they entered the main hall. He didn't even care if someone busted him staring.

The room was decorated in dark reds and black. Tables were set up at intervals around the room. A buffet table lined one wall. A band was playing generic tunes on a stage at the opposite end of the extensive space. They took stock of the room from just inside the entranceway. Gillian stepped away from Cal as they looked around so they weren't standing too close together. Cal spotted Zoe talking with two men in dark suits with red ties. She didn't see him and he took Gillian's arm and led her in the opposite direction. Gillian, who had been watching the room, was surprised by the sudden gesture. "Where are we going?"

"Just over here," Cal responded lightly.

Gillian allowed herself to be led away but looked firstly at Cal's expression, then over her shoulder as they walked. She caught a glimpse of Zoe before Cal could hide them behind a group of people. "You can't avoid her all night."

Cal looked purposefully innocent, like he had no idea what she was talking about. Gillian gave him a knowing, pointed expression; she wasn't buying. Then she saw the mayor over his shoulder. "Come on, there's the mayor," she turned Cal with a hand on his elbow.

"Doctor Foster," Mayor White saw her approaching. "Doctor Lightman," he extended a hand.

"Mista Mayor," Cal shook his hand, then went back to glancing around the room. He watched everyone's expressions.

"Good to see you again," White turned his attention back to Gillian. "You look lovely this evening."

Cal's concentration turned back to the Mayor.

"Thank you," Gillian answered graciously with her politely friendly smile. "It's quite a turn out this evening."

"Yes even in these times it's good to see people coming out to support a good cause."

An aide approached him and murmured close to his ear. "You'll have to excuse me. I'm told the D.A has just arrived and I need to speak with him."

"Ok," Gillian nodded with a smile. The Mayor walked away.

"He's lyin'," Cal pointed out immediately.

"Yes," Gillian agreed lightly.

"Most of the people here are lyin'," Cal glanced around the room again. He looked as though he wanted to say more.

"This is like torture for you isn't it?" Gillian asked gleefully amused.

Cal watched her neutrally.

"Let's get a drink," Gillian suggested.

"Best idea yet," Cal agreed leading the way to the bar.

Later in the evening, Gillian was sitting at a table talking to a woman who worked for the senator of Maryland, who was interested in meeting Cal sometime. The conversation ended and the woman got up and left. Gillian smiled pleasantly in farewell as the woman walked away, then her expression faltered as she looked around the room, her eyes scanning for a particular face.

"Lookin' for me?" Cal asked placing a small side plate with chocolate cake on it in front of her.

Gillian looked at the cake then up at Cal as he took a seat next to her. "Bless you," she picked up the fork, excited about the prospect of chocolate.

"So, are we at the point where we can make a discrete exit?"

Gillian took a forkful of cake and made an expression of ecstasy.

"I've seen that expression before," Cal quipped.

Gillian almost choked on her mouthful. "Cal!" She admonished in a sharp tone, embarrassed. Her cheeks immediately flushed hot. Her forehead creased and she looked around surreptitiously to see if anyone was close enough to hear that. "Don't start."

Cal watched her intently, amused. "I was just sayin' I recognise that expression." He could picture it now; instant recall and he was reminded of the fact again that she wasn't wearing a bra, probably had on a g-string and he couldn't wait to get her home to see what was really underneath that dress.

"Well don't," Gillian told him off again sternly but her face quickly relaxed into a broad smile. Cal grinned in return. Now they were both thinking about the same thing. "Have you talked to Zoe yet?" Gillian asked taking another forkful of cake.

Cal watched her put the dessert in her mouth, taking particular note of how her lips moved. "Nope."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to."

"You have to."

"Nah, I don't."

"Yes you do. She's the mother of your child. It's rude to be at the same event as her without saying hello."

"I don't remember readin' that in the etiquette handbook."

"I'm surprised you read the book at all."  
Cal grinned again. "I believe I got through the first page before thinkin' it was a load of bollocks and tossin' it away."

Gillian patted his arm encouragingly. "I'm very proud of you though. You haven't managed to cause a scene yet."

"When have I eva done that?"

"Mm, last year at this very event and the Mayor's ball later in the same year. Then there was the reception for…"

"That guy had it comin'…" Cal interrupted pointing his finger.

"He was antagonising you because you reacted in the first place."

"Wanted me to perform like I was a dancin' monkey."

"You shouldn't have risen to the challenge."

"It's not my fault I didn't know his wife was standin' next to him and didn't know about the secretary," Cal continued.

Gillian gave him a very unimpressed expression. "It's called subtlety. You could have pointed out that he lied to his boss about finishing the report he was supposed to have filed that afternoon but no, you choose to make a scene. You like to push people's buttons. That's your thing."

Cal gave the expression that said he was no longer listening because he didn't respond.

"Do you want me to hold your hand?" Gillian asked focusing on the cake.

"What?" Cal asked surprised and confused.

"When you talk to Zoe."

"Nah, I don't need you to hold my hand."

"Then go do it. And we can leave."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. I've had cake and wine and talked to the important people." She looked around the room to make sure she hadn't missed someone. "You need to talk to Zoe and then we can go, having achieved all of our objectives," Gillian looked him in the eye.

"All right," Cal sighed. "Come and rescue me with some sort of emergency or somethin' in two minutes."

"Ten minutes."

"Five."

"Ok, five minutes."

"Startin' now."

"Starting from when you say hello."

Cal got up and walked away. Zoe was standing with Roger in a sleek dark green dress. Roger departed as Cal approached. He gave Zoe the once over as he got close which didn't go unnoticed by her. She looked pretty amazing, had a slim figure and a permanent tan; her eyes were a deep chocolate brown.

"I heard you were here," Zoe commented by way of greeting. "Although you're being unusually quiet."

"I'm on my best behaviour."

"Oh really?" Zoe responded with a raised eyebrow.

"Was that Roger?" Cal changed the subject breezily, as if he didn't quite recognise her husband.

"Yes."

"That's right," Cal watched Roger walk across the room to the bathrooms. "Tall."

"I like him," Zoe commented.

"Congratulations on makin' it official by the way. Sorry I couldn't make it."

"I'm sure whatever you were doing that day was very important," Zoe quipped humourlessly. She watched him for a moment. "So did you bring a date? Or did you come stag again this year?"

"Nope," Cal answered either question casually, particularly ignoring the dig at his previous single status. Or the bigger dig at Gillian, because last year they had come together as well, albeit as business partners only. But what did Zoe know about it now?

"Emily said you've been seeing someone. Or, at least, that you were," she gave him a patronisingly sad expression while she fished for information.

"Yeah," Cal agreed, again trying to answer either or neither of her questions. So not even Emily had mentioned Cal was now dating Gillian.

"You should have brought her."

"I did," Cal answered and looked at her with a mischievous expression.

"I thought you came with _Gillian_," Zoe said with a hint of distaste.

"I did."

Zoe watched him for a moment confused, and then realisation hit her. "You're sleeping with Gillian?" She hissed.

"It's a bit more than that."

"Cal, that's low even for you. She's married."

"Actually she's divorced. It's official now."

"Unbelievable," Zoe glanced away; her face showing annoyance.

"Are you jealous?" Cal accused pleased, because he knew she was.

"No," Zoe scoffed.

Cal just stared smugly. "You're married rememba? You've already moved on. So have I."

"So it's about getting over me?"

"So I was thinkin' we could all have Christmas togetha this year. Now that we're one big happy family. We can get drunk and reminisce about the past or whateva. You know, the usual family stuff…"

Zoe was about to retaliate when Gillian stepped in to the conversation, leaving Zoe standing with her mouth open looking highly agitated. Gillian glanced at her, then at Cal and said hello. When neither of them responded she turned to Cal. "What did you do?"

"Why am I gettin' accused?"

"Because nine times out of ten it's you that's causing the tension."

"I was just askin' Zoe what her plans for Christmas were."

Gillian looked mildly surprised at the subject, suspecting and expecting something a lot less innocent than that.

"And Cal was telling me how you two are an item now," Zoe added, giving Cal a triumphant expression. He stared at her unblinkingly.

Gillian however, was shocked. "You told her that?" She asked, feeling her cheeks warm suddenly.

"Just slipped out," Cal responded not looking at her. "That all right luv?"

"Sure," Gillian agreed. "That's great." She gave Cal's arm a squeeze. "I'm ready to leave now," she announced a beat later. She gave Zoe a forced smile, squeezed Cal's arm again and walked away.

"That's my cue," Cal told Zoe.

"I always knew you had a thing for her."

"Actually, it's a recent thing," Cal corrected. "It's nice to see you. You look good," he added while backing up.

As he walked away Roger approached. "All right Roger?" Cal greeted him with an extended hand. "Good to see you again."

Roger spluttered an unintelligible response, clearly unaware that Cal was at the event. Cal walked away as Zoe stepped up to them. He heard Roger ask what Cal was doing there which made him smile. She had obviously been avoiding him for most of the night too.

Gillian was putting her coat on when Cal caught up with her. She handed him his and walked outside. Cal hurried after her. He handed the valet the ticket for his Toyota and then put his coat on. "So are you talkin' to me?"

"Did you have to tell her tonight?" Gillian turned on him. She was annoyed but not angry with him. "I mean, here, tonight," she clarified.

Cal thought about his answer and then just didn't say anything.

"You realise that everyone in that room is going to know within half an hour?" Gillian pointed out. Which meant it would get around the city and by Monday everyone would know. Everyone. Their company would know.

"Did you see Roger was there?"

"Oh Cal," Gillian sighed. "At some point you're going to have to let her go. Otherwise you'll never move on and you'll never let anyone get close to you. And if you're hanging on to your ex it's a death knell for other relationships."

"You mean our relationship?"

Gillian responded with a disparaging expression but Cal didn't seem fazed. The car pulled up. Cal tipped the valet and joined Gillian inside. He glanced at her before pulling away but she was looking out of the passenger window.

"If Alec was involved, would it be a different story?" Cal asked while he drove slowly away.

Gillian thought for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know." She paused. "I guess it's all more complicated than I thought."

"I did warn you she was gonna be there."

"Yes I remember. It's not her I worry about. It's _you_. I can't take you anywhere," she admonished lightly. Cal gave her his impish grin. "Don't think you can turn on the charm and I'll just forgive you."

Cal's grin widened. Gillian couldn't help but smile so she went back to looking out of the window. Maybe if Alec had been there she would have wanted to gloat that she had someone new too.

Even later that evening Gillian cuddled up with Cal in his bed. He was leaning against the pillows bare-chested while Gillian lay on her side against him, her head resting on his chest, her eyes were closed and her arm rested across his torso in a hug. Cal stroked her hair gently, absently. It was really very soft. One lamp was on beside the bed and they were covered only by a light sheet.

"Gill, are you awake?" Cal asked softly.

"Mm hmm," she responded.

"I think we should go about tellin' people now."

Gillian shifted so she could look at him. "About us?"

"Yeah."

Gillian watched him for a moment. "Is that because half of Washington already knows after tonight?"

Cal didn't respond.

"Are you sure that's what you want to do?" Gillian continued.

"Are you all right with that?"

Gillian thought for a second. "Yeah."

Cal watched her answer carefully. "You're really all right with that?"

"Yes," Gillian answered honestly.

"Do you know what I love about you?"

"What's that?"

"You constantly surprise me."

Gillian looked amused. "What were you expecting me to say?"

"I'm not sure. An argument about our professional lives or somethin'."

"That was your argument remember?"

"Yeah. I rememba."

"And you want to go back on that?"

"I don't want us to be a secret anymore."

"I agree."

"Thought you might."

Gillian gave him a slow smile.

"What?" Cal asked intrigued.

"Your choice of words."

"What's that?" Cal asked displaying confusion.

Gillian saw through him though. "What you 'love about me'."

"That wasn't a Freudian slip. It's a common phrase."

"It's ok Cal. I know you love me," Gillian cut him off. "I've known for awhile." Cal opened his mouth to object. "You can't lie to me," Gillian pointed out to him.

"You can't lie to _me._ You love me too," Cal countered.

"I know," Gillian responded readily with a smile and a warmth in her eyes. It was a truth she had started to suspect for a while but even now, admitting it to him, made her stomach flutter a little. And he was telling her he loved her too. The night had turned out to be pretty good after all.

Cal watched her for a moment a little stunned that she admitted it so easily. "Just like that, we're suddenly in love with each otha?"

Gillian gave him an amused smile. Her eyes flashed. "I don't know about being 'in love'. That's a little high school for my tastes." She paused, there was something in the way he was watching her. "Are you afraid?"

"I just neva thought I'd love someone else," Cal admitted.

"I thought the same thing after Alec and I separated. I thought he was my only chance."

"Then is this complete madness?"

"They say we don't choose who we fall in love with."

"Who says that?"

"People say that."

"Which people?"

"I don't know," Gillian responded with slight annoyance. "It's just a saying."

"I've always cared about you," Cal revealed. "From the moment we met."

"I know."

"And you're completely right about Zoe. It's an old habit pickin' a fight with her. And I need to let it go."

"I know," Gillian repeated in a softer tone, shifting her head again so it was back to resting against his chest.

Cal allowed himself a wry smile. "You looked amazin' tonight by the way."

"Thank you," Gillian responded lightly. "So did you."

Cal grinned to himself. She looked better out of the clothes. And he was right about the thong.


	11. Chapter 11

Gillian paced the linoleum floor of the light pink hallway. She couldn't sit still and the orange plastic chairs were particularly uncomfortable while she was agitated; there had been a lot of blood and they had typically told her nothing about Cal's status once they had whisked him away behind a curtain. He had been talking to her though in the car as she drove. When they got to the hospital he was pale and clenching his jaw tightly and he seemed to passing in and out of a coherent state. She wasn't family so she wasn't allowed in. She had made the mistake of admitting she wasn't related to Cal when she was asked by an emergency nurse and he hadn't exactly been articulate at the time to request her presence. So she had been asked to wait outside.

Gillian heard the ping of the elevators behind her but didn't pay too much attention to them; they had been arriving and leaving on other matters of their own accord for the last fifteen minutes, nothing to do with her.

"Gillian!"

She turned. Emily approached her looking scared and right behind her was Zoe, her eyes wide in concern. And then Gillian saw the flash of annoyance as they made eye contact. Gillian turned her attention to Cal's daughter and put out a hand to touch her arm. "Hey Emily," she greeted. "He's ok. Just getting stitches." Or so she had finally been told.

The door to the room Gillian had been stalking up and down in front of opened and the doctor appeared. He hesitated when confronted by three women with expectant expressions.

"This is Cal's daughter," Gillian explained. "And her mother," she reluctantly added, giving a slight inclination of her head.

The doctor nodded. "Well family can go in and see him now." He checked his clipboard. "The nurse is just finishing up." And he walked a few paces away.

"Go ahead," Gillian told Emily, setting aside the hurt she felt at being left outside in the cold. She wasn't family. She had known Cal for eight years. She had been with him in a romantic capacity for over six months now, but she wasn't considered his family. And then to her surprise Zoe also made a move for the door. "I'm not sure you fall into the family category," Gillian noted under her breath, wanting and not wanting Zoe to hear her.

"I'll always be Cal's family," Zoe turned towards her slightly. She looked at her purposefully, almost aggressively, in the eye. "We have a kid together. That's a bond you can't break." She took another step towards the door, leaving Gillian feeling more hurt and more agitated. If the doctor hadn't been standing three feet away she would have gone back to an aggressive pacing, maybe even some muttering.

"You came in with Doctor Lightman?" The doctor suddenly asked. He was still engrossed with the chart. He made a note on it.

"Yes," Gillian responded curiously.

"An officer is going to come and speak to Doctor Lightman before he leaves. You'll also have to make a police report."

"Ok," Gillian agreed. She already knew that would be expected.

The doctor wandered away to the nurse's station down the corridor and filled out some paperwork. The door to Cal's room opened again a few minutes later and Zoe reappeared. She shifted the bag on her shoulder and checked her watch. She stole a glance at Gillian who had stopped where she had been making her turn. Zoe would have to approach the same space if she wanted to take a seat. A nurse walked up to the two women. "Are either of you Doctor Gillian Foster?"

"I am," Gillian answered mildly surprised.

"You're listed on his medical insurance as next of kin. I need you to sign this and then you can go in to see him," she gestured to the door. "The doctor will be back in a minute." She handed over the clipboard to Gillian, who scrawled her signature and then the nurse walked away with it.

Gillian was too eager about seeing Cal to gloat at Zoe. She almost rushed to the door and pushed on it. Across the small exam room Cal was sitting up at the head of one of the beds in the white wife-beater he wore under his shirt. A nurse was wrapping a white bandage around his right wrist. Emily was standing next to her father, who had his good arm on her shoulder and was assuring her that he was fine. All three of them looked up at the door when Gillian entered. The nurse ignored her. Emily registered who it was and went back to watching what the nurse was doing. Cal gave her a smile. "All right luv?"

"I should be asking you that," Gillian said softly crossing the small room in a few steps.

"Doc says I'm fine. No nerve damage. Should be good as new," he wiggled his fingers to prove his point.

Gillian felt the need to argue with him, to yell maybe, and wipe the good humour from his face. However, Emily was in the room and she didn't want to alarm the young woman. But she was annoyed at Cal. He must have seen that too because he gave her a slight frown and looked away.

"All done," the nurse announced. "I'll get the doctor." She went for the door.

"You should go home luv," Cal told Emily. He rubbed her back. "It's a school night and it's late. I'm fine. It was good of your mutha to bring you down but it wasn't necessary." He stole another glance at Gillian, assuming she had been the one to inform them in the first place. She had. She had called Zoe to tell her Cal was in the hospital. Mostly because she had thought it more appropriate for the call to come from a known voice, who had more information about what had happened in the first place, rather than that of a hospital stranger. As it turned out that was relatively superfluous. Zoe would not be getting any calls from hospitals about Cal. Gillian was officially listed as his next of kin.

"I want to make sure you're ok," Emily told him.

"Really luv, I'm all right. I'm medicated and I have Gillian, so I'm all right." He glanced over at her. Gillian forced a smile for Emily who also glanced up.

"Promise you'll look after him," Emily said to her.

"Of course," Gillian responded with a reassuring smile. And then when she got him home she was going to kill him.

"Goodnight luv," Cal kissed his daughter's forehead. Emily gave him a hug and then bid them both a good night.

And then they were alone in the exam room. Gillian took a second to make sure Emily had gone and to think, but Cal beat her to saying something. "All right let me have it."

"I'm thinking about where to start."

Cal gave her a bemused smile. "I'm all right, honestly."

"It's not about that Cal. You scared me."

Cal considered that for a second.

"What if you had been seriously hurt? Huh? We could have just called the police. You didn't actually have to get involved."

Cal knew he was wrong, Gillian could see he knew that on his face, but there was still a streak of defiance there that made Cal who he was and Gillian reminded herself that that trait was probably half the attraction. Cal wasn't exactly her usually type of guy. She always went for safe. That was probably part of the reason why those other guys hadn't worked out. A part of her needed the danger; a part of her needed the thrill Cal brought. She took a deep breath, trying to let the anger and fear inside her abate. What was done was done. She changed the subject completely. She changed the subject completely. "When did you list me as your next of kin?"

Cal was thrown by the topic for a second, then recovered and went back to his amused neutral expression. "Years ago." He paused then saw that was not enough of an explanation. "Afta Zoe and I got divorced. It didn't seem right to have my ex wife as my emergency contact anymore."

"So you put me down?"

"Yeah. I thought we were friends. I trust you to make the right decisions if somethin' happens to me. You know what I'd want."

Gillian was going to object at the stupidity of his decision, because Zoe had their daughter, but realised it was actually a sweet compliment in one way.

"Did you call Zoe?" Cal asked.

"I figured the hospital would call her so I thought someone should actually explain what happened," Gillian responded in a soft voice. "I didn't think she would come down."

"That's all right," Cal took her hand.

"You know, I still have Alec listed as my next of kin," Gillian mused.

Cal didn't get a chance to respond to that. The doctor reappeared with release forms, which Gillian signed on Cal's behalf because it was his right hand that had been cut and he couldn't hold a pen. Outside in the corridor two police officers were waiting for them so they gave brief statements about the fight they had witnessed on the street, the one in which Cal had jumped into even after a knife had been produced. Tomorrow they would have to return to the station to make official reports. Cal was to come back and get the stitches out in a week. In the meantime, he was on light duties at work. Gillian wondered how long it would be before he got frustrated with that.

**PJ**

The cell phone bleared into the dark room and startled both occupants awake. But Cal recognised the chime and reached for the nightstand while Gillian was still rolling over and figuring out what that obnoxious noise was. "Yeah?" Cal answered the phone in the darkness. Then a pause. "Since when?"

Another longer pause.

"Yeah I'll get the next flight. Yeah, I'll call you when I land. Thanks luv." He guessed which button was required to end the call and the whole phone lit up. He started pressing other buttons.

"What's going on?" Gillian asked sitting up slightly to see the digital clock on his side of the bed. It was four-thirty in the morning. And it felt like it too.

"My Dad has taken a turn for the worst."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he was sick."

"He's not. He's just old." Cal put the phone to his ear and Gillian remained quiet but she didn't lie back again. From the glow of the phone she could see Cal's mouth was pulled tight. He might be making flippant comments but he was concerned and that made her feel concerned. "Hey. Sorry to disturb you. It's me Dad. He's in the hospital. Cerys thinks this might be it." He paused and the lights of the phone went out so Gillian couldn't see his face anymore. "Yeah I haven't called about flights yet but as soon as possible. Yeah please. Yeah all right. I'll call you back." He hung up again. The glow of the screen lit his face up.

Gillian expected him to explain what was going on. But he didn't. He scrolled through his call menu. Finally Gillian placed a hand over the phone to stop him. "Who was that?"

"Zoe. I needed to ask her if it was all right to take Emily back home."

Gillian knew he meant home to England. All his family were still there. "You need her permission?"

"Part of the custody thing. I can't leave the country with Emily without talkin' to Zoe first."

"Uh huh," Gillian nodded. The phone went dark and she lifted her hand from it. Cal hit a button and it lit up again. He was facing her when the light came back on.

"I need to call the airline."

"Sure."

Cal connected the call. Gillian listened to him negotiate flights and times while he got out of bed to retrieve his credit card. She leaned over and put the lamp on. Cal gave her a grateful tight lipped smile in response. Gillian threw back the covers and reached for her clothes. Cal sat on the edge of the bed and read out the credit card number. When two seats were booked he hung up the phone again. He turned to see Gillian dressing.

"What are you doin'?" He asked alarmed.

"I should go home," she answered, feeling the need to talk quietly because it was still dark outside.

"You don't have to leave."

"Well there's no point in me staying here if you're gone," Gillian explained gently, while inside she felt a pang of hurt. Just two seats booked on the flight, Cal and Emily. "I'll give you a ride to the airport," she offered. Cal blinked dumbly at her. "You should call Zoe back," Gillian prompted.

"Yeah," Cal conceded to the change in subject. He looked at the phone in his hand but didn't dial the number.

Gillian drew her pull over jersey over her head and watched him as she readjusted it around the wrist. "Can I do anything to help you?" She asked softly. She wanted to hug him, to comfort, because that was her way. But that wasn't Cal's way.

"Nah I'm all right luv."

"Ok, you go call Zoe," Gillian directed gently.

Cal wandered from the room and Gillian wondered why he felt the need for privacy. She gathered her things together and folded clothes roughly before tucking them into her overnight bag. She had been living out of a bag for the last three months, taking up an almost permanent residence at Cal's place and visiting hers only to get the things she needed. At the most she spent one night a week in her own apartment alone; a few nights with him there as well. She hadn't answered him about leaving some of her possessions at his place because she felt they weren't ready for that. Even if it was convenient. She had still only just come out of a divorce and Cal had still been single for the last four years. In some ways they were a sorry pair. Taking things very carefully seemed like a very good idea.

By the time she had finished packing Cal hadn't returned so she pulled out his travel case and started putting underwear, socks, shirts and trousers in for him too. But she did it hesitantly. She didn't know what he wanted to take with him to England. How long was he going to be gone for? He hadn't booked return flights. And should she make sure there was a black suit in there for him? Just in case?

Cal came back as he was ending the conversation. He stopped to see Gillian picking out shoes. "Thanks luv," he said softly.

"I wasn't sure what you wanted to take."

Cal approached and placed a hand in the small of her back as they both peered into the suitcase. "I can finish it."

"Ok. I'll make coffee."

"Now you're talkin'," Cal joked.

Gillian went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. She automatically went through the motions of making a few cups only. Cal's family. There was something he never talked about. Not since he had told her about his mother. Nothing about the rest of them. She knew there was a brother and Cal was the younger of the two. She knew that he had moved to America sometime after he had buried his mother. And since then, he barely talked about them. He hardly ever went home. She wondered if Emily had ever met the rest of the Lightman's.

Cal caught her daydreaming at the sink.

"I'm fine," she told him but they both knew it was a blatant lie, so before Cal could question her on it, Gillian added that it was five in the morning and she was still half asleep. That he bought easily. She poured their coffee. "You finished packing?"

"Yeah."

"Can I do anything else for you?"

"Nah I'm all right luv."

Gillian could tell he wasn't. But she didn't push the issue. It would be understandable that he was upset. She just wished she knew what to do or say. They hadn't been in this situation before and she didn't know how to comfort him. He hadn't let her console him properly after he split up with Zoe. And she wouldn't get to figure it out either, because he would be away in England and she would remain there in America.

Gillian drove Cal to Zoe's place. The city was very quiet for so early in the morning. The sky was still dark and all the street lights were on but the world had a sense of anticipation about it; it knew it was nearly time to begin another day. Gillian waited in the car while Cal went up to the door. Zoe answered it in a bathrobe and Cal went inside, reappearing a few minutes later with a suitcase in his hand. Emily hugged her mother at the doorstep and followed her father to the car. When she got closer Gillian could see she wore the sleep disturbed expression of shock. They said good morning to each other and continued to Dulles International in silence. Gillian was starting to feel superfluous so dropped Cal and Emily at the entrance. She didn't particularly want to hang around any longer, intruding on a family affair, than she had to. Then she went home, to her apartment, and back to bed.

As soon as she had driven away Emily turned to her father. "Why isn't Gillian coming with us?"

"One of us has to be at work," Cal lied easily. He pulled the handles on both their bags and wheeled them inside, one in each hand. Emily followed after him. "You got your British passport right?"

"For the third time, yes," Emily responded with a sigh. "It's right here."

"Cos I'm not waitin' in line at immigration with you."

"I know," Emily answered dully, having heard that comment for the hundredth time.


	12. Chapter 12

Cal turned to Emily. She was watching people pass by them intently, like it was the first time she had been in a crowd. Seeing her like this, Cal was struck with how grown up she seemed. She was tall, like her mother, but had more of his features, the medium brown hair, the same mouth, the same nose.

"I should have brought you here more often," Cal suddenly noted.

Emily looked over at him bewildered. "I still don't get why you didn't ask Gillian to come with us."

Cal gave a semi-disbelieving snort.

"You're upset Dad. Even I can see that. And she makes you feel good so you should have that around you when you're bummed out." She said it so matter-of-factly.

"Trust you to make an observation like that," Cal commented.

They walked through the airport, by-passing the long line at the passport check because they both held British passports. The security officer at the gate welcomed them home. Emily found that amusing. Cal didn't know how he felt about being home. Heathrow was bustling, just like Dulles they had left behind. Cal's sister-in-law was meeting them, but it had been years since he had seen her and he doubted he could pick her out of the crowd in front of him. Luckily, she spotted them and waved them over jubilantly. "Oh my god, Emily, look how you've grown. God the last time we saw you, you were just knee high to a grasshopper!"

Emily gave in to the awkward obligatory hug. Then it was Cal's turn. They barely had to say anything. Cerys did all the talking. "How was your flight? Are you hungry? The food is usually so terrible on those trans-oceanic journeys. Now, your brother wanted to be here but he had to go to work."

_Good of him_, Cal thought.

"I thought I'd take you to get settled in first. Maybe you'd like to have something to eat and a rest and then we can go down to the hospital and see your Dad. Emily, you're in with Sarah, she's back home at the moment; between jobs…"

Cal switched off. There was so much more on her face to read into than the words that came out of her mouth. Her daughter Sarah was not between jobs but Cal didn't care for the reasons she was home. Last he had heard she was meant to be engaged. And his brother hadn't been called to work. Cal would bet money that he would conveniently show up at home once they got there too. He probably just couldn't be bothered making the drive across the city to the airport, so he sent his wife. It didn't matter though; family obligation aside, Cal would rather have been greeted by Cerys anyway. Cerys's focus switched to Emily. She asked about her life in D.C, school, boys, her mother and Emily answered pleasantly. It took up the time they had to travel in the car.

Cal didn't realise how tired he was until he was sitting in an armchair in a warm living room. He fell asleep. He dreamed of Gillian. And when he woke up his arm twitched, wanting to reach out for her in the bed they often shared. But it all rushed back and he sat up startled. He was alone. The apartment his brother and wife owned seemed quiet. For about five seconds. Then Cerys bustled into the room again with a tray of mugs, biscuits and a tea pot.

"Oh you're awake. Do you want to go lie down in the bedroom?"

"Nah I'm all right." Cal straightened up and cleared his throat. He rubbed his face, his tired eyes.

Cerys poured hot water. "Tea?"

"When in Rome," Cal quipped. Cerys offered him biscuits too. He allowed Cerys to settle before asking where Emily was, his first concern. She was asleep in the other room. And then he asked about his father.

"Oh Cal sweetheart. I hoped to talk to you about this later when you had rested properly."

Cal felt a sense of foreboding. He could see the sadness etched beneath her features of forced optimism. He sat with his neutral expression. It had become such a habit; especially living with Gillian who knew him too well.

"Your father went into a coma this morning while you were flying over."

Cal felt his heart crumple. His expression didn't waiver.

"The doctor says there's nothing he can do about it and he's not sure if he's going to wake up. But I thought you should rest and eat before going up to see him."

Cal nodded and sipped his tea. Plain, familiar, English blend. Nothing fruity like Gillian sometimes made him. "You know Cerys, you don't have to put us up. We can stay in a hotel."

"Of course not," Cerys responded immediately showing offence. "You'll stay here."

Cal wondered where. With Sarah home, Emily would take the spare bed in her room and that left the couch. He didn't mind the couch. But right now going somewhere to hide and sleep would have been good.

An hour later Cerys was making Cal, Emily and Sarah toasted sandwiches for lunch. They were all seated around the kitchen table, making it a cramped space. But the wariness of travelling had worn off of Emily and she had finally warmed up to her aunt and cousin. Cal enjoyed watching them interact though he was sure Gillian would have reprimanded him for taking a back seat. She would have told him he wasn't at work and should loosen up. And he was taking her advice and inserting himself into conversation when the front door banged shut and the voice of his brother called down the hall. Within a few seconds he was in the room.

Cal got to his feet to shake his sibling's hand. He saw guilt flash across his older brother's features first though. "All right Thomas? Get called in to work?"

"Yeah," Thomas agreed staring him in the eye.

"Or did you go to the hospital?" Cal saw the 'no'. "Or was it the pub?"

Thomas had the decency to go a little red in the cheeks. He spotted Emily, by passed Cal, and greeted her in an awkward uncle way, not sure whether he should hug her or just wave. Emily got up to hug him. Cal saw the embarrassed expression on Cerys's face that confirmed for him that his brother had in fact been at the pub during their arrival. With five of them in the kitchen it was even more crowded so Cal took the opportunity to slip out quietly.

**PJ**

"Hey," Cal greeted.

Gillian sat up in bed further so her neck was supported by the pillow. "Hey! Oh good. I'm glad you called. How was your flight?"

"Fine. Uneventful."

"Have you seen your Dad? Is he okay?" As soon as she finished the sentence she cringed. Wrong choice of words.

"Actually he's, uh, in a, he slipped into a coma just before we landed, so I uh, haven't actually had the chance to see him…"

Gillian felt worse. "Honey, I'm so sorry," she said softly.

"Yeah it's…"

Gillian waited for him to finish the thought but he didn't. He seemed very distracted. She didn't know what to say. In the background she could hear voices.

"Gill?"

"Yeah?"

He paused or hesitated. "I should go."

"Ok."

Take care. Good luck. What to say next?

"Call me if you need anything ok?"

"Thanks Gill."

And then she was listening to silence and a little chime that told her the call had been disconnected. Gillian looked at the time. She fought the covers of her bed to let her out. It had been strange to be in her own place again after spending so much time at Cal's. She had slept while he had been on the plane and his call had come through just as she was preparing to get up. She would be later getting into the office but they could deal with that. She would call them soon to tell them.

**PJ**

"Why do you always fight with Uncle Thomas?"

"We don't fight luv."

"Well you're always tense."

"It's just sibling rivalry."

"I guess I never got to experience that."

Cal glanced over just in time to see her roll her eyes. "Your Mum might have more kids."

"I doubt it. She's too old."

"She's not that old."

"She's over forty Dad. That's over the hill in child bearing terms."

"Plenty of people have kids in their forties."

"Ew, I don't even want to think about it."

Cal saw her shudder out of the corner of his eye. He couldn't help but smile at her reaction. He couldn't imagine Zoe with more children. She had always been a little awkward with the one they had.

"So why are you and Uncle Thomas always tense? You're brothers; shouldn't you be nice to each other?"

Cal glanced over at her again, checking her reaction. She gave him an open expression, a bit like Gillian did when she wasn't going to be swayed from getting an answer. "We just always have."

"Fought?"

"Competed."

"For?"

"Attention mostly."

"Your Mom's?"

"Yeah Mum's," Cal agreed gently feeling the rushing stab of her death.

"I'm sure she loved you both the same."

Cal gave her a cynical smile.

"She didn't?"

"Of course she did luv."

"But?" Emily prompted. She was enthused now because she had hit on something interesting.

"Your Grandma felt Thomas could do more with himself."

"He's a chef. That's a pretty cool job."

"Yeah it is. She wanted him to go to university."

"Like you did?"

"Yeah. But that was what was right for me."

"I bet she was proud then that you got a doctorate and all."

Cal felt his features fall. He couldn't help it. Talking about his mother did that. Emily immediately looked concerned. "She died before I started my thesis," Cal told her gently. He put his arm around her shoulder while they walked, pulling her into a hug to reassure her that he was ok.

"I'm sorry Dad."

"Not your fault luv. It's mine for not tellin' you more about her."

They walked in silence for a while.

"I thought Granddad looked better today."

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

They lapsed back into silence. Emily didn't know what to say and Cal was lost in his thoughts.

**PJ**

Cerys and Thomas were at work. And Sarah was out with her friends. Or boyfriend, Cal suspected. So he and Emily had the apartment to themselves. And they were licensed to raid the fridge whenever it suited them. Emily decided to make soup. From a packet. But she was still volunteering to make something so Cal let her. He sat at the kitchen table reading through a report from Loker that Gillian would have a fit about if she knew had been emailed to Cal in London.

"Have you called Gillian today?"

"What luv?" Cal asked distractedly writing on his notepad that Loker had missed…

"Your girlfriend? Hello? Have you called her today?" Emily said louder. "Remember you have one?"

Cal looked up at her. She had a determined expression on her face. "No I haven't talked to Gillian today," he answered carefully.

"You haven't talked to her in a few days."

"And?" And how did she know that?

"Don't push her away Dad, just cos you're bummed about your Dad."

Cal gave her a slight frown. "I didn't realise I needed relationship advice from my sixteen year old daughta."

"Well someone has to kick your ass occasionally." Emily glanced in the pot. "And that's usually Gillian's job," she added under her breath.

"I heard that."

"Besides, when was the last time you had a long term relationship?"

"Oi!" Cal began to object. "Are you suddenly an expert?"

"I've been with Dan for over two years." Emily turned back to face him but she wasn't smiling. "That's longer than you've been with Gillian."

"But not as long as I was married to _your_ mutha."

Emily ignored that comment. "Are you and Gillian ok?"

"Yeah, we're fine. Just because we haven't talked for a few days doesn't mean we're havin' a fight."

"But you normally see each other every day. Isn't it weird to not even talk to her? Unless you're having a fight, then that would make sense."

"We're not havin' a fight. And I guess I do miss talkin' to her." Cal hesitated over his last words while he realised he _did_ actually miss talking to her. "There's nothin' to report back though."

"Why don't you call her and talk about work?" Emily suggested with sudden enthusiasm.

"What is this great need for me to talk to her?"

"You're happier when you've talked to her. And since we got here you're all sad. She could make you feel better."

"I'm not sad luv," Cal immediately lied. It wasn't a good lie though; he hadn't had time to properly prepare for it. He got up. "I'll call her now if it'll make you feel betta."

"It would."

Cal went into the living room and slouched in an arm chair. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Gillian's number was in the first slot of his speed dial. He had put it there after they had been working together for six months. Now it had been over eight years. He felt his stomach twist. Emily was right, he did need to talk to her.

"Hey Cal," Gillian answered breathily. Cal's stomach quickly tightened in a different way. "How are you doing?" She asked even though he hadn't responded yet.

"I'm all right." Cal forgot to put up his front and knew she would immediately pick up on his tone.

"Has something happened?"

"No, nothin's happened."

"Ok, but you're not doing ok."

It wasn't a question, Cal noted. She was telling him. He wasn't ok. '_The women in my life_,' he thought rolling his eyes.

"Cal?"

"Yeah I'm here."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She was concerned now and her tone was gentle.

"There's nothin' to talk about luv. No change with me Dad. My brutha is still a pratt. And I'm findin' London claustrophobic."

"London is claustrophobic?"

Cal could hear the amusement in her tone. "How's work?"

"Did you really call me to talk about work?"

"Maybe."

Gillian laughed lightly. "Well at least you didn't straight out lie to me."

"Nah I'm tryin' to work on that."

Gillian laughed again. "We survive without you. And Loker's promised me he's not going to send you anything else to read. It can wait until you get home." Her tone slid into admonishment.

Cal smiled to himself. Busted. Emily was right. He needed to talk to her. He did feel better just hearing her voice. "I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday." Even though they had never agreed on a set phone schedule.

"That's ok sweetie I figured you'd be busy."

He could just picture her sitting at her desk with the sunlight coming in behind her, making her hair glow. She was so beautiful. "I miss you."

"I miss you too Cal."

"Would you come if I asked you to?"

"Oh honey, of course."

"I need you," Cal lowered his voice. He listened carefully for her response. It was still possible to hear deceptions in tone and pitch of voice. He could hear her breathing gently.

"I wish I was there with you," Gillian responded keeping her voice almost at a whisper.

Cal listened to the merest hint of phone static. And the way Gillian's voice rose slightly; she so wanted to be there too. "So how _is_ work?"

"Nothing major is going on. They can do without me for a day or so."

"We should really re-think the workin' togetha thing othawise we can neva take a long weekend."

"As I recall, the alternative was opening an office on the west coast."

"Yeah that might not work for me."

"Me either."

Cal smiled again. "Do you think I should be concerned my daughta is givin' me relationship advice?"

"That depends. Was it good advice?"

"Very."

"Well, maybe you should thank her."

"I'll do that."

"She'd be pleased."

"She might get an ego."

"You're right, two huge ego's in one house and there'd be no room for anyone else to move around."

Cal actually chuckled aloud. "All right. I'm hangin' up now. My daughta and my girlfriend are gangin' up on me and they're not even on the same continent, let alone in the same room."

"Aw sweetie," Gillian pretended to sound sympathetic.

"I should really go though. Emily's makin' soup for lunch."

"She's cooking?!"

"Well, it's one of them add milk packet things but yes, she is hoverin' over the stove top so…"

"That's momentous. You should definitely go."

"When will you be here?"

"I'll let you know."

"Thanks Gill."

"I'm glad you called me Cal."


	13. Chapter 13

It wasn't so much that Cal was the favourite, but he had been the youngest and their mother had doted on him. And it wasn't that Cal was smarter than his brother but he did have a phD and that had bred tension, because their father had always talked about it. Calvin, the son to be proud of, was a doctor and had a successful business in America, where he worked for the government of the United States. And before that he was part of British Intelligence. As a psychologist, Cal understood why Thomas behaved the way he did. As a brother, he thought he was a jealous twit most of the time. He thought Thomas should have gotten over it at some point. He was fifty-four years old after all.

Gillian's impending arrival was more of a blessing than Cal initially realised. Sure, he loved her. He liked having her around. She would make him feel better just in the way she held his hand and flicked surreptitious smiles in his direction. But her presence also allowed him the excuse of moving to a hotel. He had, in fact, lucked out and been designated the couch for the last four days. In anyone else's home he wouldn't have minded. But it was an image Thomas took too much delight in. His wealthy, smart, successful, baby brother, relegated to sleeping on _his_ couch. It wasn't a particularly comfortable couch either.

Cal was at the airport alone. He didn't have to fight Emily on it but Cerys had not been so easy to dissuade. Cal hadn't realised Gillian was such a novelty. But apparently Emily had been filling her aunt in on all the details and now she was keen to meet the new girlfriend; who was smart, wealthy, successful and beautiful, American, exotic. Especially after all those years of Cal being single after his separation from Zoë.

When Gillian rounded the corner she was confronted by a crowd of people. She saw Cal amongst those faces before he saw her and for a second she saw misery in his expression before it turned to recognition. She hugged him tightly when they met, she was very glad to see him, but he kissed her. In public. He never kissed her in public. He dismissed Emily's whereabouts and then told her they were staying in a hotel, away from his family. He blocked an intersection while they were driving across London and then unnervingly stared down the taxi driver who leaned on his horn in protest.

"Cal, what's going on?" Gillian confronted him once they were alone in the hotel room.

Cal gave her his neutral 'I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about' expression. Gillian approached where he was slumped in a chair. "Don't give me that. I know you're upset about your Dad but…" she trailed off. He was being much more combative than normal. And she knew there was more to the story. She kind of hoped he would be excited to see her. "Has something happened with your Dad?"

Cal gave the slightest reaction, something Gillian would have missed a year ago but she had learnt to read in him. Gillian crouched in front of where he sat. Cal followed her with his eyes. "Did your Dad pass away?" A flicker on Cal's face told Gillian she was wrong. "I had to ask."

"Logical under the circumstances."

Gillian waited for him to elaborate but he didn't. She gave his knee a pat. "Ok. I'm here if you want to talk."

"He's awake," Cal blurted as she got to her feet again. "Dad. He woke up."

"That's a good thing isn't it?" Gillian asked optimistically.

"We haven't talked in a long time."

"You haven't been to see him yet?"

"No."

"Did you plan on going?"

"Thought about it," Cal answered with a little frown.

Gillian wanted to have the conversation at eye level with Cal but she would have to sit across the room where the nearest chair was located and that didn't lend well to an intimate chat. So she sat in his lap. Cal put his arms tightly around her. "You know in psychology, they say if you _need_ someone you're co-dependent and that's apparently unhealthy?"

"I may have heard that," Gillian responded, curious as to what his point was.

"Whoever came up with that has never loved someone."

"Are you purposefully changing the subject?"

"Yes," Cal answered quickly then continued with a slight frown. "I really need you Gill. I wasn't kiddin' around when I said you could stay. I want you to stay with me. I like havin' you around. And Emily's right, I'm much happy-a with you than I've been in a very long time. I want you to move in with me."

"Well I wasn't expecting that," Gillian answered honestly.

"It's not glamorous havin' a man in his late forties declare his undyin' love." He sounded apologetic.

"Is that what you're doing?" Gillian asked with a hint of mischief already knowing the answer.

"I'm tryin' to."

"I already know you love me."

"Yeah but I don't think you realise how much," Cal stated very seriously.

"Maybe not," Gillian answered dropping her teasing.

"I really love you Gill."

Gillian looked him in the eye. "I love you too Cal."

He suddenly looked sad again. Gillian placed a hand on his cheek. "Why won't you see your Dad?"

"I was hopin' you would come with me?"

"The fearless Cal Lightman needs me to hold his hand?"

"Yeah he does."

Gillian gave a slight smile. "I'm happy to hold your hand. Anytime."

Cal gave a wry smile.

**PJ**

Gillian wanted to pry. It was the psychologist in her. The part of her that needed all the information, much like Cal, so that she could understand why something was the way it was. So she wanted to ask Cal why he had distanced himself so much from his family in London. But she knew that he would know what she was doing. And it wasn't her place. She had to accept that he would tell her if he wanted to. It gave her a new found respect for him when he was curbing his obsessive need to always know the truth. It was hard to remember to butt out. She wanted to know so she could help him. That was why she had become a psychologist in the first place. To help people and understand them. But Cal wasn't asking for her help, just her support. And it was hard to have him whisper in the darkness while they were lying in bed together how glad he was that she had come and then have to bite her tongue the next day.

Cal hadn't been home to London in ten years. It wasn't that he had fought with his father and it wasn't as though they had never liked each other. Cal couldn't pinpoint what it was; it was simply a tension and he knew somehow it had to do with his mother's death, for which they both felt responsible. Last time he had seen his father, he had been in assisted living, but mostly independent and well, walking around, joking with Emily and sharing photographs with Zoë. That was just before their marriage had started to crumble. Things had really changed in that time. His father looked frail now. His skin was grey and thin. His hair was grey and thin. He looked worn away. But there was still a spark in his dark eyes. And that told Cal that his father was ok with his body giving out on him. The flash of tears at their reunion told Cal that his father had really missed him.

"God Calvin, is this Emily? Look at the girl! She's almost tall-a than you are." William had the same London accent as Cal. Or maybe it was that Cal had the same accent as his father.

"Yeah takes after her mutha," Cal noted dryly.

Emily leaned down to the bed to embrace her grandfather who had struggled into a sitting position. She kissed his cheek. Then his father put his arms out toward his son. Cal bent to hug him too. "It's good to see you Dad."

"It's betta to see _you_ son," William noted. He gave Cal's hand a squeeze. He turned his attention to Gillian, who was hovering near the end of the bed. "And who's this superb woman?"

"Dad, this is Gillian Fosta."

Gillian gave him a smile and stepped forward to shake the extended hand. William watched her intently, looking a lot like Cal in the way he studied her.

"Gillian's my business partna."

"Ah," William nodded.

"And my significant otha," Cal added.

William gave them raised eyebrows. He hadn't let go of her hand yet. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too Mr Lightman."

"What does that mean these days? Significant otha?"

Gillian turned to Cal who answered. "It means we're togetha."

"Sleepin' togetha?"

"There's that," Cal admitted.

"Not married?" William asked.

"Nah we're not married Dad."

"Nah I don't recall gettin' an invite," William noted.

Gillian smiled, amused and he let go of her hand.

"How are you young lady?" William turned to Emily.

"I'm fine Granddad."

"And your mutha?" A cautious note hit William's tone. He glanced at Cal who didn't react.

"She's fine."

"Does she also have a significant otha?"

"She got remarried so yeah she does," Emily explained a little awkwardly.

William turned to his son. "You didn't tell me she remarried."

"Zoë got remarried," Cal informed him facetiously.

"Smart ass," William told him disparagingly.

Emily and Gillian grinned at each other.

William again turned to his granddaughter, asking the obligatory questions about school and Dan and Emily answered them all patiently again.

**PJ**

"Tell me Gillian, do you also read people like Calvin does?"

Gillian gave William a suspicious expression. "I can see micro-expressions, if that's what you mean. But I can't read people as well as Cal can." Cal was talking to the doctor and Emily had gone to the bathroom, leaving Gillian alone with William. But William had also told Cal to 'bugger off' so he could talk to her alone.

"I'm sure that's not true," William offered.

"I'm more interested in the reason why."

William spread his palm along the bed sheet, smoothing it out. His other hand was clasped into Gillian's. "And do you have one of them ph-D things?"

"I do."

"Should I be callin' you Docta Fosta?"

"Please don't. Call me Gillian."

William gave her a surreptitious expression. "Calvin seems happy with you."

"Well that's good," Gillian responded, pleased, but not sure what else to say.

"Are you happy with him?"

"Yes," Gillian answered with a split second pause.

"Good, then I can go to my grave knowin' my son is finally happy."

Gillian saw a sadness in William's eyes as he said those words. Whatever reasons kept Cal away, William didn't share them.

"You know, I always looked up to Calvin."

"Did you?" Gillian asked slightly surprised.

"He was always smarta than our family. You know, too smart for his own good really. Got himself into trouble. He tell you bout that?"

"I only vaguely know about it." Trouble with the police, William meant. A friend of Cal's had taken the fall with the proviso that he do something with his freedom and life. But she knew exactly what William meant when he said Cal was too smart for his own good.

"Promised his mutha he would go to university, so of course he got into Oxford, of all places. Smart ass."

Gillian nodded with a smile, listening.

"Then when his Mum passed on he decided to major in psychology and became a docta."

Gillian let him talk.

"He faced his mutha's death head on. I hid away from it. I, to this day, don't understand what she was feelin' that would make her want to leave. But Calvin made it his mission to find out why." William looked over at her with the same blue eyes as Cal's. He was checking Gillian's reaction, waiting for her to say something.

"I've always admired Cal's ability to confront even the most difficult aspects of his life," she offered.

William nodded, satisfied. "You're a smart woman, I'm glad he's found you."

Gillian gave him a smile. She was really glad to have met Cal's father.

**PJ**

"Emily thinks that it's lame that we're the bosses of our own company and can't take time off," Cal quoted.

Gillian laughed. "Someone has to look after _your_ protégé."

"She should be _your_ protégé. It was your idea to hire her in the first place."

"And wasn't it a good one?"

"It was all right," Cal responded dismissively.

Gillian laughed again. "I just need to check up on them."

"I know luv. I'll be home soon anyway."

"You're coming home?" Gillian asked surprised.

"The docta reckons Dad's doin' all right. He's gonna let him go back to the home tomorrow."

"Wow, I'm glad."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. But he sounded dubious.

"Is that not a good thing?"

"Course it is."

"But you're going to miss him?" Gillian suggested.

"Yeah I guess."

Gillian took that as a 'yes'.

"He loves you by the way. Won't shut up about you."

"I'm glad I made such a good impression."

"I'm impressed you managed to get two Lightman's to fall in love with you. Three, if you count Emily."

"Four. I forgot to tell you Thomas and I are running away together."

Cal chuckled quietly.

"I've been thinking."

"Have you?" Cal answered lightly.

"I'd love to move in with you."

"I know."

Gillian rolled her eyes. He would have seen her answer last week when he asked her in the first place. A flickered, unintentional, subconscious, emotional response, even though Gillian hadn't given it cognisant thought yet. He knew what she was feeling before she did. But he had managed to keep that to himself, until now anyway. It was impressive the effort he was making.


	14. Chapter 14

"Cal," Zoe's voice dripped heavily with amused delight and smugness, her usual tone when dealing with him. Especially when he came to her for something. "What can I do for you?"

"Where are you right now?" Cal demanded lightly.

"I'm in the office," Zoe sing-songed.

"Can you meet me for lunch?" He asked with a clipped tone.

There was a slight hesitation and then Zoë's voice came back on the phone minus her teasing manner. "What's up?"

"I'd rather talk about it over lunch."

"Ok. I can meet you in half an hour."

"Good," Cal noted. He hung up the phone as Gillian came in.

"Want to go for lunch?" Gillian asked with a raising of her eyebrows while she stood in front of his desk, her fingertips resting on its glass surface.

"Can't. I'm busy," Cal answered brusquely.

Gillian gave an amused frown. "With what?"

"I'm meetin' someone," Cal elaborated slightly. He saw the confusion cross Gillian's features before she enforced a smile.

"Ok then I'll see you this afternoon."

"Yeah," Cal agreed bluntly while holding her gaze. He was checking her face. The smallest indication of hurt showed before she turned away. He wondered if she could work out why he behaved the way he did, that he shoved her away so she wouldn't see the guilt he felt at calling his ex-wife. It wasn't even close to cheating on her but it sure as hell felt like a betrayal. And the sad thing was, if he told her he was meeting Zoe and why, she would completely understand.

**PJ**

Zoe was late to lunch and gave a blasé explanation about being caught up with work, which as far as Cal could see was true on some level, but it was probably on purpose so she could keep him waiting. That's how Zoe liked it; everyone waiting on her. Her dismissive air was much more apparent now that she was remarried. Technically, Cal should have been in the position of superiority but it had somehow ended up with the knowledge of them sleeping together (even if it had happened more than a year ago now) being held over his head by her. Not the other way around. Even though she had been the one in a relationship at the time and he had been single and she now had a new husband to hide it all from. Gillian had known all about it at the time. He had nothing to hide from her.

"So what's going on Cal?" Zoe asked challenging him with her tone.

Cal leaned across the table and stared at her, effecting his neutral expression. The smile quickly disappeared off of her face and she became serious. "I want you to consider somethin', not for my sake, and without your prejudice, for our daughta's sake."

Zoe's expression turned mildly alarmed, "What are you talking about?"

"You know we never discussed what would happen to Emily if both of us died."

Zoe looked confused. "Yes we did. She'd go to my sister in New York."

"That was when your sista's kids were ten. They've all gone their separate ways now."

"What are you saying Cal?"

"I'm sayin', maybe she wouldn't want to take on anotha teenage-a now that she's just got rid of hers."

Zoe considered this. "Do you want me to call her and ask her?"

"Can we just talk about it?"

"Well you obviously have someone else in mind."

"I was just thinkin' maybe it was time to re-evalutate the situation. Things have changed Zo."

"You mean because I'm re-married now? Roger would take care of her."

"I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with that," Cal answered immediately having already anticipated her response.

"Why you think he'd do something…?"

"Of course not but I don't know him."

"Well then get to know him."

"You want your ex hangin' out with your new husband?"

Zoe looked away which was answer enough. "Who do you have in mind? Your brother?"

"Nah I don't want her to go to London. She should stay here in the city with her friends."

"I agree. She should have some stability. Which leaves?"

"Your parents. But I doubt they'd want a teenag-a undafoot."

Zoe accepted that with a slight nod of her head and then realisation seemed to strike her. "You want _Gillian_ to take her."

Cal just stared at her. Anger and disbelief showed on her face. He had expected disgust. So she wasn't _completely_ opposed to the idea. Zoe scoffed again. "I should have known."

"Before you dismiss it entirely, consida it for Emily's sake."

"What makes you think _Gillian_ is any more qualified to look after our daughter than Roger is?"

"She's known her longer. They're both women. Gillian's a trained psychologist. And I trust her."

Zoe almost rolled her eyes.

"Gillian's one of the most maternal, nurturin' people I know."

It was Zoë's turn to watch him but Cal knew she wouldn't see half of what she really wanted to. And he saw much more in her face than she would have wanted him to see, the hurt and jealousy and the surprise at his tender tone.

"Just think about it."

"Ok, well, I gotta go," Zoe announced.

Definitely a lie.

She got up from the table. "I'll call you later."

"Yeah all right."

**PJ**

Zoe didn't call, she sent a text message instead: I THNK WE SHLD LT EMILY DCIDE

Cal sent back: AGREED. BUT WE TELL HER 2GTHR

An hour later Zoe sent: FINE. 2NITE

**PJ**

"Hey sweetheart?'

Gillian looked away from her computer to give him a warm smile. His voice was low and he was closing her office door. "Hi."

"Hey, uh, can I come over late-a tonight? I gotta do some parental duties."

"Sure," Gillian's smile didn't waver.

"I won't be long."

"Ok," she answered still with the pleasant expression. Cal watched her for a second longer to see if she was really ok with him blowing her off or whether it was an act.

Cal drove to Zoë's place quickly. She didn't say when tonight but he figured she would be home from work about now. He didn't want her to get to Emily first and try to influence her decision. He knew from past experience that Zoe was not below manipulating their daughter. That had been in the first years of their separation though and she had been hurting.

Emily answered the door surprised. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Is that the standard answer you give your Dad when you greet him at the door?" Cal asked stepping inside and kissing her forehead in greeting.

"It is when you show up here," Emily responded. Once upon a time Cal had been welcome at any time. Even if Zoe wasn't there. That had been during the good middle years of their separation.

"Is your Mum home?"

"Yeah, she's in the kitchen." Emily turned to lead the way. "Did she know you were coming?"

"Yeah," Cal responded glancing at various parts of the house as they passed through.

"Mom, Dad's here," Emily announced as they entered the kitchen.

Zoe was leaning against the bench with a glass of red wine at her lips. Cal was too interested by the surprise on Roger's face though to acknowledge her. "All right?" Cal greeted the taller man.

"Did we know you were stopping by Cal?" Roger asked with a hint of the same tone Gillian used when Zoe appeared unannounced.

"He's not staying sweetie," Zoe told him straightening up. "Let's talk in the other room." She put her glass down on the bench, gave Roger a kiss and then indicated to Cal with an inclination of her head.

"You too Em," Cal told their daughter who was torn between who to watch during the exchange.

"What did I do?" She asked, her eyes widening.

"Nuthin' luv, we just need to talk family stuff."

Cal didn't miss the annoyed roll of Zoë's eyes as they all walked towards the living room. Cal let Emily pass in front of him and reached out to catch Zoë's wrist. "Go ahead luv, I just want a quick word with your Mum."

"Ok," Emily agreed disappearing through a doorway.

Zoe turned to Cal. "What?"

"Did you consider it?"

"Yes."

"And?"

Zoe immediately looked uncomfortable. "It's logical I guess." Cal watched her expression; she seemed genuine. "But it's Emily's choice about who she feels comfortable with."

Emily was sitting on her hands on one of the cream leather couches. Cal took a seat next to her while Zoe sat in the armchair opposite. "You guys are freaking me out," Emily spoke first. "What's going on?"

"We have somethin' to ask you," Cal started.

"If this is about Dan then I'm stopping the conversation right now. A united front doesn't mean that you can…"

"It's not about Dan," Zoe quickly cut her off.

"Actually it's about your Mum and me," Cal started. "And what would happen to you if somethin' happened to the both of us."

Emily's eyes widened again. "What do you mean?"

"You'd have to live with someone until you were old enough to take care of yourself," Zoe explained.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Emily turned to her father alarmed.

"No, no, no," Cal dismissed. "This is somethin' your Mum and I thought should be partly your decision too, now that you're older."

Emily seemed to relax.

"We thought it would be best to give you a choice of who to live with," Zoe brought them back to the subject.

"I thought I was going to Aunt Chelsea?"

"And you still can if you want luv, but we thought that you might like to have a say in the matta now."

"What are the choices?" Emily asked.

"Well there's Roger," Zoe not-so-casually stated.

"Yeah or my brotha in London, but it would be betta if you stayed in the city."

Emily looked back to her mother.

"Or my parents."

There was a pause. "Or Gillian," Cal added gently, watching Zoe as he said it. Her lips pursed in annoyance but otherwise, she didn't object.

"And it's totally my choice?" Emily asked looking to her father again.

"Yeah luv it's your choice."

"What's your choice?" Emily looked at her mother.

Zoe looked visibly uncomfortable.

"I mean, you guys have discussed it right?" Emily continued, glancing at Cal again.

"We talked about it," Zoe confirmed.

"And I'm guessing you can't agree?"

"We do agree Em, but you're old enough now to have a preference…" Cal told her.

Emily suddenly got a resigned expression. "It was Gillian wasn't it? Your choice?" She glanced at both of them quickly, deducing the answer from the way her mother looked uncomfortable to Cal's very steady gaze.

"Are you all right with that?" Cal prompted.

"Yeah Gillian's cool," Emily noted calmly.

"Are you sure sweetie?" Zoe asked.

Emily nodded. "Yeah, I mean, no offence to Roger Mom, but wouldn't you rather I had an influential female to look up to?"

Cal almost smiled but stopped himself. He was proud. Clever Emily had learnt how to play her mother. He wondered if he was aware of all the times she tried to play him too. Zoë's silence was her answer. Emily got up. "I'll help Roger with dinner." She left the room.

Cal dared to look at Zoë. She gave him a resigned expression. "Well I guess we have an answer. Have you even discussed this with Gillian?"

"Not yet. But I doubt it'll be a problem."

"You never know," Zoe muttered.

Cal got up. "I'll see myself out."

**PJ**

Gillian was in the kitchen cooking and Cal stopped to watch her for a moment, admiring how good she looked with the way she had tucked her hair behind her ears and had her sleeves rolled to her elbows while she worked. There didn't seem to be any situation in which he found her unattractive. Even when she was in a hospital bed, wearing a hideous hospital gown, with a bruise on her forehead and her arm in a sling, she had seemed so vulnerable he had wanted to kiss her troubles away. And she had been married to someone else back then.

Gillian suddenly looked up and gave him a brilliant smile. "Oh hey. Dinner is almost ready."

"Can I help you with anythin'?"

"No I got it," Gillian answered good-naturedly. "There's wine if you want some." She indicated the bottle.

Cal crossed the room and poured himself a glass. "Can I, uh, ask you somethin'?"

"Of course."

Cal suddenly knew she was trying hard to be casual and nonchalant. He realised that she knew he would eventually tell her what he had been distant about earlier that day. And he realised, like he had about Emily fifteen minutes ago, that Gillian was a smart woman who had learnt to play him. On some level anyway. He wondered how often he knew he was being handled and realised that he didn't care and appreciated that she gave him the space, that she let him come to her. God, she was a good woman.

"Just so we're clear, you don't have to say 'yes' to this," he began.

"Cal," Gillian's tone took on a warning note. "Do I really want to have this conversation?"

"That's irrelevant."

Gillian gave him a determined expression. "Get to the point then."

"Zoe and I had a discussion today about what happens to Emily if we were both to die."

Gillian gave him a slight frown. "Kind of morbid."

"Yeah but it was time to reassess the situation."

"And?"

"I know it's a lot to ask of you, but would you consider takin' Emily in, if Zoe and I were both deceased?" Cal paused. "And there's no pressure to say 'yes' to that luv."

"Of course I would," Gillian answered quickly. Then she looked offended. "Why would I say 'no'?"

"I just didn't want you to feel obligated to."

"Emily is not an obligation. I would be honoured. I _am_ honoured, that you considered me." She paused. "Wait, Zoe is ok with this?"

"Yeah," Cal lied.

"Liar," Gillian accused gently. "I don't want to go against her wishes."

"No, you're not. She might not be happy but she concedes you're the best person for the job."

"That must really kill her," Gillian noted bluntly.

Cal laughed. "Yeah."


	15. Chapter 15

Gillian was walking to her office when she saw Zoe step off the lift. It immediately set Gillian's stomach on edge. She ducked around the corner so she wouldn't be seen, feeling stupid and embarrassed but also hoping she hadn't been spotted. Then she hastened along the corridor to her office. She wondered how long she should give it before checking up on Cal. And what was Zoe doing here anyway? Did she have an appointment? Or was this an impromptu visit? And why was it that everything to do with Zoe was complicated?

An hour later, Gillian figured it would be safe, though she hadn't seen Zoe leave. She walked through the building to Cal's office. The door was open so she strolled in. He was staring at the desktop distantly and didn't look up. Then, as Gillian got closer, she realised he actually looked a little grey.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

He looked up, startled for a second, and then covered the expression. "Nuthin' luv. Just daydreamin'," he lied quickly.

Gillian reached the desk and perched on the edge of a chair opposite him, eye level. "I saw Zoe was here just before."

Cal gave the slightest smirk.

"What did she want?" Gillian asked after a lengthy pause.

Cal leaned forward in his chair. "She wants to move to Chicago. With Emily."

Gillian watched him for a moment, not sure how to react to that. His expression was very nonchalant, his tone too neutral. "Seriously?" She asked surprised, because he seemed too sombre. Was this retaliation for the decision made yesterday?

"Yeah."

"She can't do that. You have shared custody."

"Actually she can, she's the primary caregive-a. I only have Em on the weekends."

"You can fight it."

"I wouldn't do that to Emily."

Gillian considered what he had said. It was a fair point, dragging Emily through court, asking her to essentially choose which parent she liked better. Gillian nodded her assent. "What's in Chicago?" She asked while thinking it probably had something to do with Roger. Maybe his work?

"She wants to open her own firm."

Gillian was surprised again. Surely Zoe wouldn't be so selfish? She frowned to cover her surprise. It was a habit. Cal would have seen the expression anyway. She didn't know why she bothered. "In Chicago?"

"Yeah."

"And she has to do it in Chicago?"

"She can't afford to do it here, she doesn't have the financial backin'."

"Well I…" Gillian paused. She was annoyed, she wanted to vent about Zoe being such a bitch but it wasn't her place to interfere with his ex-wife, even if she really, really wanted to. She'd be pissed off if he started in on Alec.

"Don't worry about it luv," Cal noted. "Chicago's not far away."

"That is so not the point," Gillian said vehemently.

Cal gave a slight smile. "I love that you care so much."

"Of course I care."

"There is one way to stop her."

"Kryptonite?"

"Buy her out. It'll give her the money she needs."

"Was that her suggestion?"

"No, I was thinkin' about it just now. Tryin' to work it out."

Gillian watched his face. He seemed serious about it. "Can you afford it?"

"Yeah we can get the money together, as a company. But it'll mean one helluva mortgage."

Gillian gave a cynical smile. Oh she got it. It was a Lightman Group thing. The company had to buy Zoe out because Cal didn't have the personal finances to do it himself. She didn't know what he had stashed away in personal bank accounts but she knew what his annual income was, and she knew that he probably couldn't buy Zoe out on his own. Not to mention the fact that if he had more shares, he'd have more than Gillian, and they were so very careful to make sure neither of them was a majority. Which meant, either Gillian would have to concede that point, or she would also have to buy Zoe out.

"We already have one," she told Cal. Finances were her department so she knew all about the mortgage payments and how much more they could borrow against the business. And Cal _was_ asking her about borrowing money against the business.

"You'll look into it?" Cal asked carefully.

"Yes," Gillian agreed. If it was a business thing, then she had to. She would anyway, just because he asked.

"You're all right with that?"

She nodded and got up. "Keep me posted ok?"

"Course luv."

**PJ**

"Hey Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Every time with the interrogation. Am I not allowed to call by?"

Emily stepped aside. "Yeah you can but you never do unless you have some ulterior motive."

Cal crossed the threshold of the home Zoe shared with her husband Roger. "Your mother home?"

"Yeah she's in the conservatory." Which doubled as her home office. Cal followed Emily through the house.

"Hello Doctor Lightman," Dan greeted getting to his feet from the couch.

"Dan, how you doin?" Cal asked stopping to shake the young man's hand.

"Fine thank you."

"Good," Cal noted and kept walking.

Zoe was on the phone and was swinging back and forth in her chair, the motion directed by her feet planted firmly on the ground. It was a very casual pose for her so Cal guessed, even before he heard her speak, that she was talking to her husband. Cal could see a warmth in her expression. Her wedding ring still had a new shine on it. When she saw him approaching the doorway she suddenly straightened up. She was hanging up the phone by the time Emily walked in and announced that her father was there.

"Cal," Zoe gave him a warm but mischievous smile. "What can I do for you?"

"Em, can you give us a minute?"

"Sure," Emily responded while she gave both of them a curious glance. She left the room.

Cal reached for the door and closed it. "You look very serious," Zoe continued to mock.

Cal took a seat opposite her without being asked. He _was_ serious. "I don't want you to take Emily away."

"Oh Cal," Zoe almost smirked. "I'm not doing it to spite you."

There was something in her expression that told Cal that wasn't the entire truth. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the cheque. He handed it to her. "If it's a money thing."

"What is this?" Zoe asked edgily, glancing down at his handwriting and Gillian's co-signature.

"I'm offerin' to buy you out."

Zoe looked up, crossed between amazed and incredulous. "This has never been an issue."

"I know luv but if it means you can stay in D.C."

"I don't want to put you in a position…"

"You're not," Cal interrupted. "It all works out. You have the money to stay here. I get to see my daughta on the weekend. And now I have a majority share of my own business."

"What about Gillian?"

"What about her?"

Zoe studied him for a second. "This was never about you."

"I know," Cal responded seeing the actual truth in her expression. There wasn't an inch of humanity in her demeanour; no shame, guilt or apology. She had honestly thought about moving her whole life to Chicago just to start her own law firm. Nothing about Cal or Emily; he wondered if Roger had even factored into the equation. Cal suddenly saw what Gillian had seen so clearly all these years. Zoe was cold, calculating and inherently selfish. She was clever, yes, and she had learnt to play Cal, to make him fall in love with her and keep it that way. She had learnt to challenge his mind. But it was manipulation. He knew without a doubt that she had never cared for him as much as he had cared for her. She had probably loved him, on some level, but she had never been devoted to him and when she found she couldn't change him, openly deceive him, lie to him, she had left him. And then she had blamed him.

"That's all I came to say. Think it over. The cheque's good."

Because Gillian had made sure it would be.

"Thank you Cal."

"It's all right luv." He got to his feet. "I'll show myself out." He went to find his daughter who was cuddled up on the couch with Dan. They were watching a movie. "Don't get up," he told her. "I just wanted to say goodbye."

"I'll see you on the weekend right?"

"Of course luv. See you late-a Dan."

"Goodnight Doctor Lightman."

"You know Dan, you can call me Cal." He looked down on both of their surprised expressions. "Night."

He let himself out. Walking out of the house, all of a sudden he felt unburdened. He pulled out his cell phone and hit speed dial one.

"How'd it go?" Gillian answered.

"Fine."

"She take the money?"

"Yeah."

"And she's going to stay?"

"Didn't exactly say but it was implied."

"Ok," Gillian said slowly, unsurely.

"Are you home?" Cal asked getting into his car.

"I'm pulling up now."

"Good. I'll see you soon."

"Ok."

Cal hung up and turned the ignition.


	16. Chapter 16

What Gillian loved about the home she now shared with Cal was its proximity to a very nice restaurant that boasted some very nice desserts. And once a week she and Cal made it a point to visit. And because it was around the corner they would walk, hand in hand, around the corner. It was better in summer because they could enjoy the warm evening air. And after a sickly sweet chocolate mud cake it was comforting to stroll slowly along the street with the man with whom she was very much in love with while the sugar rushed through her blood. Of course, the house had its attributes and it had been almost fun to have Cal try so hard to make all of their belongings fit together. God, did he try at their relationship. It almost meant she didn't have to. For once. And that was nice

Buying a house had been Cal's idea. Buying a house _together_ had been Gillian's idea. Cal wanted to move because his place was too small for them all. Gillian's apartment had not been an option when it came to them moving in together and although they survived at Cal's two bedroom town house, it was obvious they were living on top of each other. So he announced he was going to house hunt for somewhere new, somewhere bigger and Gillian had found a place she loved and insisted that they were going to do it in partnership. Now they had an extra guest room, a slightly bigger master bedroom with en suite and a slightly bigger living space. They had been together for over a year now and their relationship was starting to cement.

"Gillian!"

She turned her head to Cal but he was also looking at her as though she had spoken.

"Gillian!" The voice called again. Male.

Gillian looked over her shoulder. "Alec." A stillness came over her chocolate filled stomach. Cal's hand tightened in hers slightly, the only indication of recognition or reaction. He kept his face intimidatingly neutral. Alec approached them with his business smile; pleasant with a tightness written underneath. It had been six months since she'd seen him last, when they had finalised the divorce; more than a year since she had moved out. This tall dark-haired man, with whom she had shared her life for over ten years. Surely that must have been someone else and not her?

"How are you?" He asked. "Cal." The two men shook hands in greeting, Cal wordlessly, while Gillian answered that _they_ were good, thank you. "That's good," Alec finished the formalities. He paused. "Got a minute?" He asked her.

Gillian didn't have to glance at Cal for him to leave. He gave her hand a very slight, brief squeeze. "I'll be," he jerked his head in the direction of their house and backed up before turning around to walk away.

Alec stood before her, looking pleased with himself. He seemed like an excitable puppy; like he used to be when he saw her. He almost jigged on the balls of his feet, a habit she knew he _did_ indulge in when he was happy. She wondered if he was high. It was too hard to see his eyes clearly in the dark. It made her feel sad that that was her second thought.

"What's up Alec?" Gillian prompted, keeping her tone warm and an amicable smile on her features. She didn't want to offend him but she felt no need to converse with him at all. Things had changed.

"I meant to call you about this, but seeing as you're here, do you want Jane?"

"She's _your_ cat."

"She always liked you better."

"Are you getting rid of her?"

"I was thinking about taking her to a shelter. But I'd rather she went to a familiar home. That is, if you're willing to take her on. I'm not around much to look after her these days."

"I wouldn't want her to go to a shelter either." Gillian shifted her weight to her other foot. "I can't believe she's still alive." The thought of the marmalade animal brought a warmer smile to her lips.

"Yeah, the old girl's still going."

"Sure I'll take her," Gillian confirmed.

"I could drop her off," Alec offered.

"I'll come and get her."

"Well you know where I am."

Ok, so that actually hurt a little. "You're still in the house?" The forwarding address she had for him was through his office, and vice versa. He had bought out her share of the house so she would never have known if he had sold it. It had nothing to do with her anymore.

"Yeah," Alec answered with his begin smile. "Come by any time tomorrow. I'm heading out of town Monday." He gave a slight pause, an indication of change in subject. "Anyway I should go. I'm meeting someone for dinner."

Gillian nodded. "Yeah I was just heading home."

"You live around here?" Alec pried.

"Yeah," Gillian didn't elaborate.

"With Cal?"

"Yes with Cal," Gillian said it gently but she still saw the flicker of hurt on her ex-husband's face. Then she realised that kind of bothered her, that she had hurt him with that information.

"I'm glad you're happy Gill."

Gillian gave him a nod of acknowledgement but he had forced the words. The conversation was awkward, for both of them, and they should call it quits now before things got really weird. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, any time is fine. I'll be packing."

"Ok," Gillian gave him another smile and followed in Cal's footsteps, taking a few steps backwards before turning to walk away. She was probably being paranoid, but she swore she could feel Alec's eyes on her back, watching her depart.

**PJ**

"We have to move."

"Sorry?" Cal looked up from his book.

Gillian kicked off her shoes. "Alec has just discovered '_George's'_ so we can never eat there again."

Cal pulled his glasses off and studied her face. She seemed annoyed or upset and a little agitated but she wasn't serious. Cal lowered his book to his lap. "What did Alec want?"

"How do you feel about cats?"

Cal gave her a momentary glimpse of surprise.

**PJ**

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"Do you _want_ to come with me?"

"Nah," Cal gave a grimace. He was leaning against the kitchen bench while Gillian stuffed phone, wallet and car keys into her purse. He was edgy and trying too hard at being casual.

"I won't be long."

"All right luv."

"If you don't want the cat, now's the time to say it. Last chance," Gillian offered. Cal gave a one-sided shrug. "Is that you being blasé or disagreeing with what you're saying?"

Cal gave her an amused smile. "I'm bein' nonchalant."

Gillian gave him a smile in return. "You're funny." She crossed the space between where she had packed her bag and where he was leaning. She kissed him. "I won't be long," she repeated.

"All right luv," Cal echoed.

**PJ**

The house looked the same from the outside and it felt extremely weird to have to knock on the front door. She had never done it before. She reminded herself that she didn't have a key anymore. A few times. Especially when had she first pulled up. She parked in the driveway, no longer having access to the garage and felt a hint of annoyance that Alec hadn't sold the place and moved on. She had made the house their home, not him. She had put the effort into it. Why had she given up and volunteered to move out? She couldn't remember what her motives had been and it seemed like a stupid decision now. Maybe she had been desperate to get away, had wanted to get away from him.

Alec was in suit pants and a shirt, open at the collar. It was a uniform he couldn't shed even on a Sunday. "Hey Gillian, come in." He gave her the same excited smile as the night before. It made Gillian feel tense and wary, incredibly wary.

The inside of the house was exactly the same too. The furniture was all the same, in the same place, ornaments hadn't moved, plants had gotten no bigger nor died off. The only items that were absent were a few of Gillian's things. But most of the art and ornaments she had left behind because they only reminded her of her marriage anyway. She had bought them to go in this house specifically. Alec followed her to the living room. The morning sun was streaming in through the large bay windows, lighting up the room and bathing the couch in warm sunshine. It had been her favourite room. And Jane's, who was asleep on the end of the couch, sitting regally like the sphinx guarding the pyramids but with her eyes closed.

"I didn't have the heart to keep in her a box all day until you came but I made sure she stayed inside," Alec explained.

Gillian gave the cat an affectionate smile. "Are you sure you want to give her up?"

"She'd be better off with you. You always did a better job of making sure she was fed and still alive. Half the time I don't know where she is. We tend to stay out of each other's way."

Gillian smiled. "Cats are always independent creatures."

"And yet you managed to tame her," Alec noted tenderly. "You're always so gentle. I miss that about you."

"Alec," Gillian warned softly.

"I'm not ashamed to say that I miss you Gill." He licked his lips, a nervous gesture.

She gave a slight shake of her head, amazed and annoyed that he had actually dared to broach the subject. "Is this what you really wanted to talk to me about last night?"

Alec didn't have to say a word for her to know it was true.

"We've been separated for over a year. It's too late to start this conversation."

"You're not married," Alec pointed out. "It doesn't seem like it's too late to me."

"Not the point Alec," Gillian admonished. God, he was taking it further!

"Can't we just talk about it?" He asked sounding desperate. His expression was imploring.

"No. I'm not going to discuss it with you. I've moved on. Please, just leave it at that," Gillian almost begged him. She didn't want to hurt his feelings but she would if that was the only way to get through to him. She made up her mind right then to _not_ tell Cal about this when she got home.

Alec looked confusedly stunned. "Are you really happy with him?"

"Yes, Alec, he makes me happy. We're happy."

Alec stared at her, shocked into unresponsiveness. Gillian crossed the room to where the cat was perched. Jane opened her eyes as she got closer and got to her feet when Gillian was within touching distance. She gave a little mew in recognition, and arched her head, angling to get her ears rubbed. "Hello Jane," Gillian greeted the cat and slipped her hands under the animal's back feet. Jane started purring as Gillian turned with her in her arms. Alec had stooped to retrieve the carrier and opened the door. Gillian pushed Jane in. They headed out to the car in silence. Gillian put Jane on the front seat of her car while Alec put a bag of food and toys in the back, behind the passenger seat. They slammed doors at the same time and then looked at each other.

"I shouldn't be surprised you're with Cal," Alec spoke again. Gillian looked over at him, surprised, not just that he was speaking, but about what he was talking about. But she didn't bite. "Well take care of her."

Gillian stepped forward and hugged Alec. She suspected they would have no other reason to see each other again now. And hopefully Alec wouldn't fathom another excuse. Alec was unresponsive under her touch at first but it didn't take him long to warm to her and place his arms around her back. She didn't ask if he was still using. She would have been hurt either way by his answer. If he had cleaned up she would be upset he hadn't done it while they were still married. And if he hadn't managed to get sober, or even try, she would have felt saddened that he was still not ok and that she had abandoned him.

**PJ**

Gillian set the carry cage on the couch and opened the door. Jane looked up at her suspiciously for a moment, her nostrils flaring as she power breathed the space in front of her, unfamiliar scents in the air. "Come on," Gillian coaxed. Next to her, Cal stood studying the cat intensely like he was trying to read her facial expressions. Jane took a tentative step out and then a few more until she was exploring the couch with her nose.

"It hasn't got fleas or anythin'?"

Gillian fixed him with an unimpressed expression.

"What kind of a name is 'Jane' for a cat?"

"Alec's sister-in-law gave her to him as a kitten so he named her Jane after her as a joke."

"Hm," Cal noted impressed. "I didn't think he had a sense of humour."

Gillian gave his arm a light slap.

"So how was Alec?"

"He's fine," Gillian crossed to pick up the cage.

"What was that?" Cal asked suddenly animated. He stepped into her personal space, cutting her off and peered into her face. "What happened? He said somethin' to you didn't he?"

"Cal," Gillian started in a firm tone. "I haven't invoked the line in a very long time. But I am invoking it now." She gave him a pointed expression and hoped he would drop the subject.

If he asked, he would see her answer without her ever being able to control the response.

Cal looked as though he was going to ignore her for a second, then hesitated, then let his expression harden and finally he sighed. "Just like that, you invoke it and I have to bite my tongue."

"Yes Cal, that's how it works. Give me some credit, I don't do it all the time. I just don't want to talk about Alec anymore."

Cal gave her a grimace and Gillian wondered for a second if he was going to push the issue after all. But he looked away. "Where's it gone?"

Gillian looked down at the couch. Jane had moved on. "I don't know. But don't let her go outside for at least a month ok?" She walked around him, taking the carry cage to the garage, grateful that he had backed down. She was not in the mood for a fight.


	17. Chapter 17

Gillian rang the bell and flicked back her hair with a jerk of her head. Cal watched her intently, fascinated with her excitement. She caught his eye and gave him a warm smile and then the door opened and her expression changed to unbridled delight. "Hey!" She greeted, immediately stepping forward to hug the shorter woman on the other side of the threshold.

"You're late," the attractive woman admonished. She was blonde with blue eyes that widened when she noticed Cal. "Is this him?" She asked, giving Cal a thorough once over.

Gillian stepped back and turned towards him. She beamed such a warm genuine smile Cal felt suddenly blessed to be able to call her his. "Yeah this is Cal. Cal this is my sister-in-law, Kate."

Cal stepped over the threshold. "It's nice to meet you," he offered.

"You too," Kate extended a hand.

Cal shook it politely. "Sorry we're late," Gillian told Kate. "My fault."

"Don't worry about it," Kate gestured for them to come into the house. "Everyone's in there."

It was Cal's fault they were late. Gillian had asked him to wrap the present and he had forgotten to, so they had to do it before they left. And then they had hit the traffic heading across the city to watch a football game. But he liked that she lied for him about it because he was already nervous about meeting her entire family. He had been putting it off for a year now with convenient excuses. If Gillian knew they were excuses she hadn't said anything about it. And then her niece's birthday had come up on a weekend he hadn't managed to spend time doing something else on and here they were now.

They followed Kate through the house and through the throng of parents and little girls in winter dresses, playing games loudly in the living room. More adults were hanging out in the dinging room, picking at food spread out over a large wooden table.

"You missed lunch. We couldn't wait, so help yourselves," Kate instructed. "We had to eat in two shifts anyway."

Cal was not surprised. The house was fit to burst. How could they stand it? He trailed after the two women, and Gillian said hello to just about everyone they passed.

"Your mother's holding court in the kitchen," Kate added in a lower voice. Cal could tell from her expression that she considered that unpleasant. He turned to Gillian, the familiar glee at having discovered a secret exciting his stomach, but she placed a hand on his arm to silence him. She knew him too well. "Complaining about the cold, as if I can control that," Kate finished with a quick roll of her eyes before she headed on, leading the way in to the equally noisy kitchen.

Again Cal turned to Gillian, who gave his arm a squeeze. "Want something to drink?" She asked him, finally giving him her attention.

"Yeah," Cal responded.

She hung on to his arm and directed him over to the expansive breakfast bar, heaped with different beverages; one end for adult alcoholic, the other end for children. A dark haired man was standing there, stabbing potato chips into dip. He had a beer in the other hand. He was tall with broad shoulders and the large chest of a man who spent time in the gym. Gillian clearly recognised him because she snuck up and placed both her hands on his waist. He turned surprised for a moment and then gave her a warm genuine smile. "Hello big sister. You're late. And you better have bought a present and something without fairies on it. I'm hoping for a slot car racing set." He crossed his fingers with a grin before giving her a hug.

"Cal picked the present," Gillian told him. She turned to him. "Cal this is my brother Matthew," she introduced.

"All right," Cal greeted, reaching forward to extend a hand.

"Cal, good to meet you finally," Matthew shook Cal's hand firmly. He had the same eyes as Gillian. "Mom's over in the corner," Matthew gave a slight indication of his head in the right direction.

"And the birthday girl?" Gillian asked.

"She's just here," Matthew turned to the room. "Somewhere." Clearly the gaggle of girls had moved on to the living room. "I'll go find her."

"That's ok, I'll catch up with her. We should go say hello to Mom first."

"Yeah that's a good idea," Matthew agreed with a grin that told Cal he thought that idea was amusing.

"Stop it," Gillian admonished him before walking away. Cal followed dutifully after her. He was wearing jeans and a shirt and was starting to feel that maybe he could have, or should have, made just a wee bit more effort to look respectable. Everyone else was in casual but nice clothes. Gillian was in a dark blue dress that hugged her body and made Cal want to take it off to see what was underneath, even though he already knew what was underneath…

Cal had expected Gillian's mother to be the fire breathing monster he picked up from the expressions of those they briefly talked to on their way across the room, but what he was slow to pick up on was that those In fact, it seemed most of the adults there were interested to meet him, the mystery man Gillian had been dating for a year and had bought a house with and who no one had yet met. Sure, they knew he was her business partner, but there hadn't been any face time yet.

Gillian's mother was relatively sweet and unassuming but it was clear she had had a hard life. She did complain about the cold and Cal's accent, which she loudly announced she couldn't understand, while pretending it was just a big tease. Gillian looked embarrassed but Cal purposefully talked slower and more clearly and then spent a long time conversing with her about what Gillian was like when she was growing up. He noted two things: it was winter so of course it was cold, but it hadn't snowed yet, to which Gillian's mother laughed. The second was that she did not mention once the fact that Gillian's father was a drinker, was absent today, or had had any effect on either of her children. Not even after Cal dug a little.

When Cal went to the drinks area to get another beer later in the afternoon, Matthew cornered him. "Hey so Cal. Gillian tells me you invented the lying thing."

"I didn't invent lyin'," Cal noted dryly. "Just how to detect deceptions."

"Yeah," Matthew gave a laugh. "I bet that comes in handy."

"Sometimes yeah," Cal agreed.

"You have a daughta right?"

"Yeah, Emily, she's nearly seventeen now."

Matthew nodded. "You could have brought her along."

"She's spending the weekend at her mother's."

"Oh right," Matthew nodded again.

Through the open kitchen door, Cal saw Gillian talking to a young girl with blonde hair. He knew she was Arianna, Gillian's niece, by the way Gillian talked to her, which was confirmed when she handed over the present. It was a watch, with obligatory fairy princess on the strap. He had been instructed to buy something with fairies, princess' and pink but he had no idea what to get for a seven year old. Luckily, Gillian had been pleased with the choice of the sales assistant.

Matthew followed his line of sight. "Gillian's great with the girls. Arianna loves it when she comes to visit. You should come more often too. We put the game up on the big screen and have a few beers, shoot the breeze."

"I'll keep that in mind," Cal nodded feigning interest. The game. Which game?

"Yeah I have to have something that's male in this house."

"You have another daughter right?"

"Yeah, Rachel. Kate just put her down for a nap."

"She's just a little one yeah?"

"Uh yeah, she's eighteen months."

Cal took a swig of beer.

"So you and Gillian, I guess it's pretty serious huh?"

"I think so."

"Good, good," Matthew nodded. "If you hurt her I'll have to hurt you though. You understand that right?"

Cal could see from his expression that he didn't really have a lot of faith in his own threat and normally Cal would be quick to point that out. But he was on his best behaviour, he had promised, so he let it go and wasn't the least bit intimidated. "I don't eva intend on hurtin' her."

"That's what I like to hear," Matthew gave him a forced grin. He slapped his back. "I like you Cal. And I've never seen Gillian happier so you must be doing something right."

Now that was the truth.

"Hey, so, can you tell that I'm lying?"

"What are you lyin' about?"

"No, I mean, if I told you a lie right now you'd be able to tell?"

"Yeah," Cal answered shortly.

Matthew considered this. "Ask me something."

Cal suppressed a sigh. Everyone thought his science was a neat trick until it caught them out in something they really did want to hide. Cal hoped Gillian's brother wasn't going to ask if Cal could tell he was cheating on his wife or something. Gillian had made him promise he wouldn't get into anything personal but she had also warned him her brother found it fascinating. Then a few of the other fathers approached where they were standing and the mischievous streak in Cal reared up.

"What are you wearin' right now? Boxas or briefs?"

"Boxers," Matthew answered immediately.

"Nah you're not," Cal retorted amused. The group of men settled around them and laughed and teased Matthew loudly. Why was it underwear gags always made American men act like teenaged boys?

**PJ**

A few hours after their arrival marked the end of the party and Arianna's friends went home with their parents. Matthew took his mother home shortly after that so Cal went around the hosue to help clean up, picking up paper plates and Dixie cups.

"I'm impressed Gillian," Kate said loudly as she came into the kitchen. She had a curly blonde haired baby on her hip, who was red cheeked, and wearing a nappy and a t-shirt. "He's domesticated too."

"That's why I keep him around," Gillian noted with a smile. She crossed the room to take the baby from her mother. The baby grabbed a bunch of Gillian's dress and gave her a smile. Gillian's expression softened.

"I am in the room," Cal noted.

"We know," Kate told him as if she didn't care. "Carry on." She gave him a broad grin.

Cal grinned back and continued to clear up dirty dishes. All in all, it had been a good day. It had been a very long time since he had to endure the ritual of meeting the 'in-laws' for the first time. He was lucky Gillian's family were so gracious. It was easy to see why she how she had turned out to be so sweet.

**PJ**

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course."

"I don't know how to broach the subject." She paused. "I've been thinking about it a lot though…"

Cal waited for her to carry on. Her hand was already tucked into his where it rested on the mattress so he gave it a mild squeeze of encouragement. She was smart bringing up a subject while they were in bed; he couldn't read her expression in the darkness. "And?" He finally prompted.

"I want kids Cal," Gillian said in such a soft tone it was almost a whisper.

Cal had to concentrate very hard on not flinching, which would indicate that he had gone rigid in shock. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't give her children.

"After Sophie, Alec didn't want to talk about it. And he didn't want to try again," Gillian revealed in stilted words.

Cal knew this was very hard for her so he kept quiet, opting to let her talk it out without his interruption. He didn't know what to say anyway.

"But I want to. I've always wanted to."

Cal might not be able to see her face but he could still hear the longing in the tone of her voice. That longing spoke of a strong truth.

"I want to at least try one more time before I'm too old to be considered."

"You're not that old."

"I will be, to them." Gillian paused very briefly before continuing. "But Cal, I don't want you to feel that you have to, I mean, this is my thing and I know it's complicated because we're living together and obviously if there's a baby around that would mean…"

Cal rolled over to the bedside table and turned the lamp on. He couldn't take it anymore. When he turned back Gillian was blinking, annoyed, against the light. But it was worth it so Cal could see her expression as she continued, "I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum or anything and I'm not saying you have to do this but will you think about it? Just the idea of it and tell me how you'd feel?"

Her tone alone was enough to melt Cal's heart in an instant. He stared at her, sitting still, his breath so shallow he barely felt it. She looked incredibly vulnerable but it was hard to tell exactly why. Because she desperately wanted children? Because she so far felt cheated that she didn't have children to care for? Because the subject matter was hard to talk about? Or because she was afraid of the answer Cal could give?

He promised, genuinely, that he would consider it. And then he lay awake for most of the night thinking about it, around it, over it, under it. He hoped in his heart that there was some other option he hadn't noticed yet, but he knew in his head there was really only one way her idea could play out. For him at least, there really was only one answer. Why had she brought this up now?

**PJ**

"Hello Dad? Are you in the room?" Emily asked him.

"Yeah luv, I'm here, sorry."

"Did you hear anything I said?"

Cal stared at his daughter. He had promised not to 'read' her, years ago, but she often gave away more than she intended so he never had to look hard. But today, she was not helping him out with a vague hint of anything he could use to figure out what they were meant to be talking about. "No, I'm sorry luv, I have a lot on my mind." And he was tired. He didn't get much sleep last night while thinking about what Gillian had said. He had been distracted for most of the day too.

Emily looked annoyed for a second, then concerned. "Is everything ok?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah," Cal answered more optimistically. "It's just work stuff."

"You work too much," Emily told him again for the millionth time. "I was talking about prom."

"Isn't that six months away?"

"It's four," Emily corrected. "But remember last year I got ready at Mom's place?"

"Yeah," Cal vaguely remembered.

"You haven't forgotten I'm getting ready here this year?"

"No."

"And that you agreed to buy my dress?"

"Ah."

"Well some of my friends were talking about going shopping this weekend."

"You can go shoppin' luv."

Emily almost rolled her eyes. "What about money to buy something?"

"You find a dress you like and I'll get it for you. But find it first," Cal added a pre-emptive strike before Emily could object.

"Tell me you're not going to make me go shopping with you are you?" She looked mortified.

"Nah, you can take Gill. She loves hangin' out with you."

And then, oh. Gill. Oh.

Emily's expression turned from objection to optimism. "With your credit card though?"

Cal laughed. "You find somethin' you like and if Gillian approves, then I will grant access to the credit card."

Emily beamed.

**PJ**

Cal almost talked to Gillian while they were at work, because it was one of the rare situations in which they faced each other, whereas at home they tended to be next to each other, like in bed or on the couch. But he didn't because that would have been incredibly unfair and he wouldn't dare do that to her. He suspected she would cry but he wasn't so sure that _he_ wouldn't. It had been two days; it was time to give her his answer. She had been waiting for it but hadn't mentioned it. She was giving him the space to approach her. So after they had their evening meal and were sitting in the lounge watching the news, he took the remote in an ad break and turned the TV off. Gillian had been leaning against his shoulder but straightened up. Cal looked at her, noting the blue eyes and light dusting of freckles across her nose. She saw his serious expression and turned on the sofa cushion so she was facing him and waited.

"I've thought about it," Cal started. Gillian nodded staring him dead in the eye. "You should absolutely look into adoption."

There was a pause.

"But?"

"But I can't do it with you Gill," Cal finished in a soft voice. He felt like crying.

Gillian's expression wavered so fractionally Cal almost didn't see the crumble before she was stoic again. "I thought so."

Cal hadn't been expecting that response but he didn't let that show.

"Can I ask why?"

Where to start? So many small reasons to make up a big 'no'.

"I'm too old to be viable. We're not married. I'd have to be vetted and we both know that there are things in my past that would raise some serious flags." He trailed off. Those were all the obvious logical reasons.

"And?" Gillian prompted gently.

"I've raised my family Gill."

So simple and he felt like such a selfish bastard for saying it. But that was the biggest truth of it. He had raised his family. Emily was not that far away from college and moving on. He didn't want to start from scratch again.

Gillian gave a slight nod. "It's a good point."

"But you should definitely go ahead. You'd be an amazin' mutha and it pains me to see you unhappy."

"You make me happy," she said quietly.

"But you're not complete luv. There's somethin' missin'. And I can't fill that void for you," Cal told her gently.

Gillian watched him steadily for a moment, sadness slowly creeping into her blue eyes. After a very long pause she swallowed hard and spoke again. "We're breaking up," she noted softly.

It wasn't a question. It was a simple realisation of truth with no accusing anger behind it. All of a sudden they were moving in different directions and for that to happen they had to break apart. Cal didn't know what to say to that. A strange, cold, numb, pain entered his heart. He watched Gillian and she watched him. And finally, when it seemed like it had sunk deep into both of them, Gillian shifted. "Will you come to bed?"

"I'm gonna sit for a while," Cal responded. Gillian got up and left the room softly. The door clicked quietly shut behind her. Cal sat for a long time without really thinking. His mind would wander and he would go back to her words and then immediately drift away, refusing to let them solidify in his mind. It seemed unreal and yet he knew in a very sure way, that what had just happened had really happened. When he went to bed he thought for sure Gillian would be asleep. He had sat up for hours. She wasn't though, he could tell from the way she breathed. He lay in the darkness trying not to think some more for the rest of the night.

**PJ**

Gillian got up before him in the morning. He let her get dressed and leave the room before having a shower himself. In the kitchen, she was playing with soggy cereal in a white bowl. A coffee cup was on the table in front of her. She gave him a wan smile in greeting. "Good morning."

"Mornin' luv."

"Did you sleep at all?"

"I think I got a few hours somewhere. You?"

"About the same."


	18. Chapter 18

When Zoe had left him, it had been a rude shock, like unexpectedly jamming a finger in a drawer, and Cal had felt intense anger for awhile. Then a calming numb haze had settled on him and he continued through life in a sluggish fog, going through the weeks day by day until they got a little better, a little easier, month by month. But with Gillian, it had been two days and he still felt a terrible pain in his chest that consumed all his thoughts and seemed to get no better and no worse. It just haunted him and it hurt. It felt like it was hard to breathe. They weren't talking. Not because they were freezing each other out in vicious maliciousness, but almost as if there was nothing to say now. Cal couldn't really believe it was happening. He wasn't angry with Gillian, he didn't blame her for the decision she had made. She had made it and was sticking to it and was leaving him behind because he couldn't keep up. He wished it had come up years ago. But even then, when he allowed himself to think about it, he couldn't have gone on the journey with her anyway. He would still feel the same way. He had his family, he had his daughter, he just couldn't comprehend having more now that Emily was a teenager. How about another lifetime? That would have been easier. He would have even suggested them trying for a baby themselves. He would have submitted to a doctor's prodding just to make her happy.

Work took on a surreal charm too. He saw things clearly, like the concerned expressions of his staff and the whispers behind their hands and yet he would sit alone in his office for minutes that felt like hours, achieve no work and have no recollection of daydreaming either. Even though they shared a home, he didn't seem to be able to see Gillian anymore. The notion of her being gone from him felt like a ton of bricks being thrown in his face. He just seemed to wake up to the idea one day. It was just there one day, coming from nowhere but not out of the blue and taking up a residence as though it had always been a permanent fixture. It was just so hard to get his head around and yet it felt like it had always been that way. Had it been in their cards since day one?

Gillian took her own car to work now so that she could go home when she wanted to. Or maybe it was about avoiding him. And Cal didn't seem to notice when she left the office anymore. It was like the notion had just never occurred to him. He fell asleep on the couch one night, too exhausted to take himself to bed and after that it seemed like a much better idea than trying to share a bed. They were separate now, coming and going as they pleased. When he got home that evening, he noticed the suitcase in the hallway without it registering its full impact. He carried on by without giving it a second thought. In the bedroom, Gillian had a smaller case open on the bed. And that was when it struck Call that something was amiss. "What are you doin'?" He asked casually.

"I don't think we should carry on this way. It's too…" Gillian trailed off, looked away, but not before Cal saw a flicker of pain. She placed the container of moisturiser that had been in her hand when he came in, in the case.

Cal stood in the doorway for a long time, watching her and letting the situation sink in. It didn't occur to him to fight her on it; it would certainly be harder if he did. "You don't have to leave."

"We can't stay here together."

Good point.

"I'll go."

Gillian looked up with clear blue eyes. "No, you should stay here. I don't want you to move Emily again. It will just disrupt her now."

Suddenly he knew they were talking about a permanent move out. Cal shook his head. "I couldn't stay here anyway."

Gillian watched him impassively. Jane jumped suddenly onto the bed, trekking across the covers to her suitcase.

"You should stay. It's more financially stable here and you're already settled," Cal continued.

Gillian let her eyes drop away. She gave a nod. "Then I'll stay in a hotel until you find somewhere else." Her voice got very quiet at the end of the sentence. Gillian wasn't angry at him either. Cal could tell that from her face, her demeanour, her tone. If anything, she seemed to be as upset about it as him. But also as resigned and accepting. She had made her decision and she was sticking to it. That was a good thing.

Cal helped her take her luggage outside to her car, realising for the first time that it was parked on the street, not in the driveway or garage. He hadn't noticed. He felt a little startled to see it there. She already had one foot out the door.

"Promise me somethin'?" Cal turned to her as she closed the trunk of the car. Gillian faced toward him, a glimmer of surprise in her eyes. "Will you keep me up to date, with the, uh, adoption thing?" Cal had to suppress a sigh. He wasn't sure he had managed it. "Let me know how it goes?"

"Of course."

"If I can _help_ you or you need a babysitta or somethin'…" Cal trailed off. It felt like such a lame token of support. It felt a bit like a kick in the guts.

"I'll definitely take you up on that," Gillian responded with the merest hint of a smile.

**PJ**

The whispers at work got louder over the next few weeks until Ria finally had the guts to ask what the hell was going on between him and Doctor Foster.

"You are both acting very weird. Has something happened?" She looked him directly in the eye, probably one of the few people Cal encountered that had the nerve to. Most people were afraid he would see something they didn't want to share. They were right, of course, he often did.

"Not that it's any of your business," Cal started by pointing out. Ria was insatiable and not easily swayed and if he didn't tell her she would annoyingly read it off of him anyway. "We're not togetha anymore."

Ria looked shocked. "What happened?"

"That is definitely none of your business," Cal warned her.

But the office continued to talk now with a little fire under their wings. Cal overheard rumours about who had ended it and why and what would be happening to The Lightman Group now. He wondered if Gillian heard those whispers too and he felt a sudden urge to protect her, especially because it had been he who had spilled the beans. Cal tapped on Gillian's door frame. She looked up pleasantly before recognising him, then her expression hesitated slightly, but she waved him in anyway. "Hey," she greeted. Cal could see she was immediately tenser by the way she held her shoulders and her hands.

"I thought we should talk."

"About what?" Gillian asked carefully.

"Uh, about all the mutterin's."

"Mutterings?" Gillian repeated with a short amused laugh. She had no idea what he was talking about.

"Them," Cal pointed over his shoulder. "I told them we broke up."

"Ah, that makes sense," Gillian noted lightly, finally realising what he meant.

"I hope that's all right."

Gillian gave a purposeful shrug. "They were going to find out eventually right?"

"I guess."

"Did you tell them details?" Gillian asked cautiously.

"Nah. None of their business."

"Agreed."

"The rumours about the Lightman Group though."

"Yeah?" Gillian looked up at him curiously.

"We're both stayin' put right?"

Gillian studied him. "Yeah," she said slowly.

"I just remember somethin' about the west coast bein' bandied about."

Gillian swallowed hard. "Do you want me to go to the west coast?" There was fear in her expression and it cut Cal.

"Absolutely not. I want you right here."

"I'm sorry you had to ask."

"I was just double checkin'. I didn't want you to think that you did."

**PJ**

"Dad, what is going on with you and Gillian?"

"Huh?"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice that she had moved out?"

"Oh that."

"I thought you might have told me."

"I just..." Couldn't. Didn't want to admit it was true. Didn't know how...

"So did you guys fight or something?"

"No luv, we didn't fight."

"But you're not together?" Emily asked cautiously. Cal could see she was afraid that she was right.

"No we're not," Cal answered bluntly while the pain in his chest flared up. By now, the two week mark, he thought it might have dissipated a bit, but no, it still burned like it was a fresh wound.

"What happened?" Emily looked shocked. "And why didn't you tell me?"

"It's complicated."

"You realise I'm not five anymore and you can talk to me about these things?"

Cal studied his daughter for a second and sighed. And it was Gillian's voice in his head telling him he should open up more with his daughter. "Yeah all right. You know Gillian can't have children."

"Yeah," Emily answered dubiously, wondering where he was going with this.

"Years ago, when we first started workin' togetha, when I was at the Department of Defence, she and Alec adopted a baby girl. But state law meant the birth mutha could change her mind. And she did, so the baby went back."

Emily's eyebrows furrowed. Cal continued. "Alec neva wanted to pursue it again. But you know Gillian always wanted to have kids. And she's decided to look into that once more."

Emily gave a frown. "And you didn't want to do that?"

"It's not that I don't want to."

"What is it then?"

Cal sighed. "It's too hard Em. I'm too old to be raisin' anotha baby."

"You're not that old."

"I'd be in my sixties by the time it was ten."

Emily didn't answer that. Instead she asked, "So you just dumped her?"

"Nobody dumped anybody. We're just movin' on."

"That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard," Emily scoffed. "You love her, surely you can get over yourself to have a baby with her."

"Em, it is really not that straight forward."

"I don't get it."

"I don't know how to get you to understand." When she voiced the objections Gillian hadn't, Cal really did feel like more of a bastard. Why hadn't Gillian voiced those arguments? "But there's somethin' else I have to tell you."

Emily glared at him angrily. "What?"

"We're movin'."

**PJ**

Cal closed his car door on the last of the boxes and slowly made his way to the front step. He liked their house because Gillian had liked it so much, had been so excited and worked so hard to make it their home, including finding places for all the bizarre trinkets he had gathered from around the world (instead of leaving them in their boxes like a certain ex-wife). The sun came through every room of the house at some point in the day, except the guest room in the front. Gillian loved the sunshine. She loved that it woke them up in the morning and bathed the living room and kitchen when they came home. She stood on the step waiting for him. There had been no fight over what he would take with him; they were still, as ever, in sync.

"That's it huh?" Gillian asked.

"Yeah that's it."

They were silent for a moment.

"It seems strange to say goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow," Gillian noted.

Cal watched her. She wasn't covering her pain up very well today. "I'll see you tomorrow." He stepped toward her and kissed her firmly, his stomach flip flopping in response to her warmth and the pain in his chest melting blissfully away for a second before raging back in, in an aggressive torrent, as he realised he would never have this again. Gillian put a hand to his jaw, holding him tightly. When he pulled away she had a flash of tears. Damn it. He shouldn't have kissed her.

**PJ**

Cal was in a terribly foul mood. He didn't mean to take it out on his daughter, but he was sullen and toxic and what he felt like doing the most was throwing all of his possessions from the roof onto the street and watch them smash so he could compare the shattered pieces to his broken relationship with Gillian. Instead, he grumbled about every little thing in the back of his throat, feeling very much like a teenager. The furniture was in place and Emily had made his bed up for him and hung up his shirts in the closet. So he could at least get to work the next day in a respectable state but he had no desire to unpack the rest of his things. He sat on the couch and toyed with his cell phone. Opened it, closed it. His thumb hovered over the speed dial menu. He pressed the '1', then thought about disconnecting the call before he raised the phone to his ear.

"Are you settled in?" Gillian answered.

"Sort of. I was thinkin' of takin' a break for dinna. Are you hungry?"

"Uh, yeah," Gillian sounded surprised.

"Nothin' special I…"

"I'll bring something."

**PJ**

Cal left the front door open so when Gillian came in he could pretend to be busy and not notice her straight away so he could greet her casually. Another Cal would have laughed at his antics, would have been amused by the way he was trying too hard to let her see that he was completely fine.

"Chinese ok?" Gillian asked. She had changed her clothes since he had seen her three hours ago. Now she was in dark trousers with a blue shirt and a brown leather jacket.

"Perfect," Cal noted. "I have no kitchen to speak of."

Gillian smiled. "I figured." They moved to the couches and Cal divvied up spring rolls into the boxes of rice and noodles while she removed her jacket and sat. The shirt was unbuttoned slightly at the top. He kept glancing at her chest and then chided himself. He hoped she hadn't noticed.

"Where's Emily?"

"Escaped to her muthas."

Gillian nodded without comment. They ate in silence for a moment. Cal could see her glancing surreptitiously around the room. "I like what you've done to the place," she commented lightly.

Cal gave the bare room a grin. It echoed slightly. "It's a work in progress."

"I can stay and help for a bit if you want," Gillian said to her box of noodles while fishing around the contents with chop sticks.

"I'd like that."


	19. Chapter 19

Gillian was on the couch with her feet tucked under her, reading through updated information on adoption when she heard a key in the door and then it open. Her heart pounded in surprise for a moment, her mind warning of danger before she logically remembered that there were only two other people with a key to the door. "Cal?" She called out. Emily appeared around the living room door. "Emily," Gillian got up. "Are you ok?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

Gillian gestured that she should come in and sit down. "Does your Dad know that you're here?"

"No and don't tell him. I just wanted to understand something. It's been bugging me for a while."

"What's that?" Gillian asked taking a seat next to her.

"Why you broke up."

"He never told you?"

"He tried to explain it but I don't understand. If you love someone, you should be together right?"

Gillian watched the earnest expression on Emily's face, the same dark eyes that were her father's. She was a mature young woman but there were clearly some things she was still naive about. It was understandable. Love was complicated. "Well," Gillian sighed. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can be together."

"I really don't get that," Emily responded concerned, with a slight shake of her head and a widening of her eyes. "Isn't love meant to conquer all?"

Gillian thought for a moment. Emily looked at her expectantly, wanting answers. "You want to go to Harvard when you finish school right?"

"Yeah."

"What if Dan wanted to go to Berkley in California?"

Emily looked alarmed.

"Would you go with him?"

Emily gave a hesitant expression.

"Would you stop him from going?"

Emily considered the scenario. "I guess that's a tough one. I would hope that he would at least stay on the east coast. But I wouldn't stop him if that's what he really wanted," she admitted reluctantly.

Gillian nodded. "That's how it is for your father and me."

"But there's always long distance relationships."

Gillian smiled. "Sure, but isn't it better to let the ones you love go? To fulfil their dreams?"

"I still think he's being dumb," Emily muttered. "But I guess I understand what you're saying." She got up. "Thanks. I guess you should really have this back." She held out her hand and lying in her palm was the golden front door key.

**PJ**

The knock on Cal's front door made him suspicious because he never got visitors. The suspicion turned to shock when he answered it to find Zoe on the doorstep. But he kept that from her. He always did. "What are you doin' here?"

"Can't I come to say hello to an old friend?" She asked mildly.

"Are we friends?" Cal stood aside to let her in.

"I think we are at this stage," Zoe told him in a slightly unimpressed tone, as if he should have come to that conclusion himself after all this time. They moved through to the lounge. "Actually I'm concerned," she continued. "Emily told me why you moved. That you and Gillian broke up."

Cal noted there was no glimmer of distaste on her face when she said the name anymore. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me Cal?"

"Not somethin' I really want to broadcast."

Zoe sat herself on the couch. Cal sat at the opposite end. Then Zoe got up again to look at the photos on the mantelpiece. They were of Emily mostly, one casual photo of the staff. Gillian had the good grace to keep the pictures of herself somewhere hidden away so Cal had not taken any with him. "This is cute," Zoe pointed to a picture of Emily.

"Yeah," Cal agreed while he started to wonder what the hell she was doing there. He was tired, not sleeping well, his eyes hurt.

Zoëesighed and crossed the room again. She took a seat right next to Cal this time, turned her body so she was facing him and placed a hand over his. "Sweetie if there's anything I can do for you…"

Cal watched her impassively. '_How out of character_,' he thought.

Then Zoe kissed him. She pressed her lips firmly against his but Cal couldn't move. The pain in his chest swelled in protest, reminding him of who he really cared for. He felt nothing for Zoe anymore. Not even now when she was throwing herself at him. Nothing.

Zoe pulled back. "What?" She asked in a light almost amused way.

"I can't do this," Cal told her.

"Why all of a sudden?" She covered her hurt with feigned amusement. "You were never bothered before if one of us was involved."

"Things changed," Cal told her with the blandest expression he could muster. His chest hurt terribly, a painful dull aching that was incredibly distracting, and he almost hunched over to try and soothe it. He felt like he might be sick.

Zoe narrowed her eyes annoyed. "Because I'm married?"

"Well that's a start, yeah."

"Is it too soon after Gillian?" Zoe guessed mildly callously. Cal didn't answer her but apparently he didn't have to. There were some things Zoe could read in him because they had known each other for so long. "Seriously?" Zoe asked. "I thought you were over."

"We are," Cal noted gently.

Zoe studied him again. "You really love her don't you?" She accused with more of a sense of realisation than anger.

Again Cal didn't answer. He felt like if he even moved an inch, his chest would break open in two and he would explode with the pain of missing Gillian Foster. She was all he could think about.

"I'm sorry Cal," Zoe said in one of her rare moments of empathy. She got up a beat later and let herself out.

**PJ**

Was this what depression felt like?

Waking up in the morning and wishing there was nowhere he had to go; nowhere he was expected to be, so that he could hide from the world in a pillow. Wishing he didn't feel all alone on the entire planet, that maybe when he stepped outside he would find the world had stopped and all humanity had disappeared.

Was it lying awake at night, knowing time was ticking by and not being able to do a damn thing about it? Being aware that if he just managed to go to sleep now, he might get five hours. Or if he went to sleep _now_, then maybe he could get three hours sleep. A hot shower, warm milk, a good book, nothing made a difference. He even resorted to the repugnant chamomile tea and made himself drink the whole steaming mug full.

Was it feeling like the world was laughing at him? Single again. Another relationship shot to hell. All of them entirely his fault. Was he flawed, abnormal, sick? Had he failed as a person? Was he destined to be alone? Was his marriage just a teaser about what it could be like? And what about the relationship after that? The one he had felt for sure would last until death parted them. The one he had dared to pin his hopes on. The one he thought had paled his marriage into a children's fairytale, distantly but fondly remembered. Was he no better than those teenage girls who just could not live without their boyfriend?

He felt like he was dragging around a sack of bricks, heavy and awkward and relentless. It was tied to his legs, twisted around his ankles; every step felt like he was pulling a million pounds of troubles along behind him. He hurt; ached all over. He was over tired, his attention span short. His eyes burned with a constant fatigue, a toxic potion of sleepless nights and tears and, admittedly, bourbon. His mind was sluggish, thoughts took too long to form, memories always just out of reach. Mental 'to do' lists evaporated too easily. Phone numbers previously known so well, blurred beyond recognition. His shoulders felt heavier than they ever had. His arms felt as though they had a muscle mass beyond what his bones could handle. Lifting them above his head made him want to lie down and rest afterward. If only he could get some rest.

It was images of him standing still in the middle of a crowded street, screaming, and no one looking up.

It was loathing himself for the decisions he had made, for what he had inflicted on her.

It was choking on the lump in his throat every day, finding it hard to breathe through it and waking up after a few restless hours to find that it was still there.

It was knowing that the only cure was time and that time was just not moving fast enough to cure it.

It was feeling sick with no cause.

It was feeling like crying for no reason.

It was feeling the urge to crawl into a dark room.

It was feeling as though he could disappear.

It was wishing that he would.

**PJ**

"Doctor Lightman?"

"Huh?" Cal looked over at Ria Torres. He got the distinct impression she had been calling to him for a while.

"Um," she looked bewildered, not sure what she should do next. "Do you want me to play it again?"

They were in the video lab. Cal wasn't paying attention and he should have been. They were working on a cheating spouse case, something he despised but something that was necessary since he had taken out the extra money on the mortgage to buy Zoe out. Any case that paid, and definitely if it paid well, was taken on. This one not only concluded with a pay cheque, but a very good one too. He seemed to work with Ria a lot in the last month, since he had split up with Gillian. All time was measured against that marker. A month since he had spilt up with her, two weeks since he had been living alone again. What Cal didn't know was that his staff had drawn straws to see who would have to deal with him. They were used to him being grumpy at times; passionate at others, hard, demanding, and obsessive about the truth to the point of despair for them, but what they didn't seem to be able to deal with was this shell of his former self. Ria volunteered in the end. Not because the quieter Cal was a nice change, but because she worried about him. Because she was a 'natural' at his science, in some ways she considered herself one of the few that could deal with whatever he threw at her. On a subconscious level she felt the need to look after him. She looked up to him because he had rescued her from her old life screening luggage at the airport. She felt she owed him one. Normally, when Cal was acting weird they would send Gillian his way. She was usually the only one who could deal with him and walk away unscathed. Now, Ria was attempting to fill the former's role.

"Yeah play it again," Cal sighed. He rubbed his burning eyes. Emily told him he looked like hell. No one else had dared say anything along those lines to him.

Ria hit the buttons on the keyboard that wound the footage back to the beginning of the questioning. She wasn't really working this case with Cal. She had gone and done the interview herself, and recorded it. She had gone over the footage and she had come to her own conclusions. Now she was going through the formality of a second opinion, of having Cal check her work. Only because the client was throwing so much money their way was Cal involved. Their client was paying for the best, and that was Cal. Cal trusted Ria to be able to deal with it on her own. And he would have preferred it if she _had_ just dealt with it on her own.

The woman on the screen was accomplished. She sat with a straight back. She wore pearls at her throat. They were a gift from the client and she touched them often while she talked about her fiancée. Her hair was perfectly styled, her nails manicured. Her clothes weren't expensive but they were tidy. She was also smart, a law school graduate, and confident about herself.

"She's tellin' the truth," Cal noted half way through watching the footage again, which was the same conclusion Ria had come to. The sound was off but he didn't need to hear her words to know that what she felt for the client was true. "See the use of indicatas?" Cal asked Ria. "She gestures with her hand wheneva his name comes up."

Ria nodded. "So I can tell him she _is_ marrying him because she likes him and not for his money?"

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

"Ok," Ria started to gather up her notes. Cal stayed where he was, staring up at the screen. "Are you ok?"

He didn't answer her.

"Doctor Lightman?"

"Huh?"

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna sit for a bit."

"Ok," Ria agreed awkwardly. She might have volunteered to work with him but she was no closer to figuring out when he was going to feel better about his break up. She had never seen someone so bummed out before. At first, his distractedness had driven her up a wall and then she realised he was just off balance. And now, well, like the rest of them, she was just waiting for him to get back on his feet and hoping it was soon.

**PJ**

Gillian knocked on Cal's office door before entering. They never used to knock, there had always been an open door policy, but now that seemed too impersonal and they were both trying very hard to re-establish boundaries that right now seemed as soft as a marshmallow. "Hey," she greeted him from the doorway, checking to see if it was ok to actually come in.

"Mornin' luv," Cal noted with the sadness in his eyes that he hadn't seemed to have managed to cover up yet.

Gillian approached his desk and stopped. Cal looked up at her expectantly. Gillian licked her lips, a nervous emblem that she only realised she had done, once she had done it. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Cal studied her for a moment, blue eyes impassive. Those words didn't seem to bode well for him. "Yeah."

Gillian swallowed. Still nervous. "I understand if you…" She hesitated. She had almost implied that he couldn't do it. He would be offended if he thought she thought that about him.

"What is it?" Cal got to his feet so they were on an even playing field. He walked slowly around the desk.

"Um, I should tell you that I started the adoption process."

Cal nodded. Gillian looked down at her feet. "The agency's, um, re-investigating my case." This was strange talking to him about this. It seemed wrong, insensitive almost.

Cal tilted his head to catch her eye. "Is there anythin' I can do for you luv?" Gillian looked up to meet his eye properly. "You need me to speak on your behalf or somethin'?"

Gillian wasn't sure if that was a guess or whether he knew that's what she hated to ask of him, but her expression gave her answer for her.

"Of course," Cal continued. "I can do it today."

"It's just in case. I mean the old references are… old."

"You haven't changed," Cal noted with a slight smile.

Gillian smiled back. "I really appreciate it."

Cal gave a dismissive nod.

**PJ**

Cal thought it would have been easy to write about Gillian but after he had opened a blank word page on the computer screen he didn't know how to begin. It seemed simple to him, just give her a kid and she'll prove how good a mother she'd be, what a wonderful person she is. He didn't write anything for three hours. And he got no work done in that time either. Poor Torres and Loker were picking up a lot of slack these days. When he noticed it was four o'clock in the afternoon Cal started powering away at the keyboard, writing anything that came to his head. When he had finished half an hour later there were four pages on his thoughts on Gillian Foster, and most of them probably should not be repeated to anyone else. He spent the next half hour whittling the letter down to a page and a half.

Gillian was putting her coat on to go home when Cal finally fronted up. "You weren't gonna leave without sayin' goodnight were you?" Cal asked.

"Of course not," Gillian responded even though every inch of her face said that was exactly her intention. She had been doing it every night since Cal had moved out three weeks ago. Cal approached where she stood beside her desk. The letter was in a folder and the folder he stretched out toward her. "You really didn't have to do this right now," Gillian noted.

"Well I did," Cal told her bluntly.

Gillian took it and opened the folder. Cal suddenly felt alarmed that she was going to read it in front of him. And then it passed and he decided he didn't care if she knew how he felt. He watched her blue eyes flicker across the page, the way her forehead crinkled slightly above her eyebrows while she concentrated. Her hair fell forward across her face for a second, obscuring his view, before she tucked it behind her ear out of the way. She was wearing silver stars in her lobes. Cal remembered Emily had bought them for her last Christmas. Then he was back to watching her face and thought he detected a hint of wetness. He was right. Tears began to well. She turned the page. The tops of her cheeks and the end of her nose turned red, like they did when she was trying not to cry. A second later she glanced up from the folder at him, looking pained, her mouth a little 'o' of astonishment. Cal stepped forward with his arms outstretched and embraced her firmly. He heard her sniffle into his shoulder. If his heart wasn't already in pieces it would have broken. This was the first time they had even touched each other in three weeks. Cal knew he was holding on too tightly. But it just felt so damn right.

Gillian pulled away from him slightly, straightening up a little, and kissed him, on the lips, but briefly in a way that signalled friendship. "Thank you," she said softly, just inches away from his face.

"S'all right luv."

While they stared at each other, Cal could feel her breath against his mouth, short shallow spurts of delicate humid air. She was warm in his arms and she didn't step immediately out of his embrace. She leaned closer again, closing the few inches between them, and pressed her lips against his. Cal let himself melt into her a little this time, giving in just a little. He went to pull away himself, feeling dangerously close to falling off a cliff, but she didn't let him go. Her lips became firmer against his and she raised her arm to his shoulder, drawing him in closer. Their bodies pressed against each other. Cal kissed her back with everything he dared to without stepping over that line he knew they could not cross. Not like they used to. Finally Gillian pulled away and Cal let his arms drop from her body. He couldn't take anymore. Gillian gave him an expression of longing and sorrow. And he couldn't stand that either.


	20. Chapter 20

No one said anything, but Cal was sure they were pissed off with him. And by they, he meant the people on his staff. Ria had been incredibly patient but Reynolds was often gruff. Loker seemed to steer clear of him and the rest of the research staff and technicians avoided his eye. But not in the usual awkward 'oh my god he can read my thoughts' kind of way. Cal sensed an impatience. He felt so helpless. He felt like he had forgotten how to function normally. He had trouble sleeping. He would toss and turn for hours, always drifting off at five thirty and waking again at seven to get ready for work. He barely ate. He just wasn't hungry. Emily even cooked a few basic meals that he didn't have the heart to eat. He used to read, but that wasn't interesting anymore. He used to think, but there was only one thing on his mind.

**PJ**

"Doctor Cal Lightman?" An unfamiliar female voice asked.

"Yeah?" Cal responded gruffly, feeling curious, suspicious and annoyed. A stranger on the phone was irritating. A call by a stranger to his private cell phone was even more irritating. A lot of things were irritating these days.

"My name is Ann and I'm a nurse at St Michael's hospital in Georgetown."

Cal's first alarmed thought was of his daughter, even though she lived nowhere near Georgetown.

"I'm calling on behalf of a Doctor Gillian Foster."

And then Cal felt sick to his stomach. Gillian lived in Georgetown. "What happened? Is she all right?"

"She was in a car accident but she's fine. She's not seriously hurt. Can you come down?"

"Yeah of course," Cal was already heading for the door. "Where were you callin' from again?"

"St Michaels," Ann repeated. "It's…"

"I know where it is," Cal told her and hung up, racing down the front steps to his car. Somehow all he had heard was car accident. He had images of her lying on a gurney, blood over her face, tubes sticking out of her arm, bandages wrapped around her head…

Car accident. Car accident. Car accident.

Cal pulled into a spare space at St Michaels and fought his seatbelt to be released. The feeling of dread in his stomach had turned to panic; he had convinced himself on the way over that Gillian wasn't actually ok. He powered into the hospital's emergency department, his black coat billowing out behind him. The ER was crowded and noisy. Cal's distress was accentuated by the receptionist who asked him to calm down because he couldn't be understood. Finally he was told the bed number and general direction and strode away. So if she wasn't being worked on right now, maybe she was ok. He almost ran.

Gillian glanced up startled when the curtain on the bed abruptly pulled back. And then Cal was there and she suddenly didn't notice how her head hurt. "Hey," she greeted him relieved. Was it wrong that she still felt relieved to see him?

Cal gave her an intense expression as he studied her. "You're all right." It wasn't a question.

"I'm ok."

"You're all right?" Cal asked approaching the bed. The first statement had been a thought in his head that he'd blurted aloud.

"I'm fine," Gillian repeated gently.

"You're not fine," Cal placed a hand gently on her hair, stroking it a few times. On her forehead was a white bandage, just below the hairline. Cal inserted his other hand into her one that was resting on the bed. She was in a hospital gown and looked a little pale but she wasn't hooked up to an IV line.

"It's just a bump," Gillian told him.

"What else?"

"Bruised ribs. Broken wrist."

Cal looked down. Her right arm was resting on a pillow. It seemed distorted, slightly swollen and discoloured around the wrist.

"I'm going to get a cast."

"What happened?"

"It was stupid, some guy blindsided me at an intersection."

"What was he doin'?" Cal muttered almost to himself, but again, saying out loud what he was thinking for Gillian to hear.

"I..." Gillian started and realised he wasn't expecting an answer. He was still staring at her in a very intense way though. She suddenly felt bad for scaring him, even if it had been completely unintentional. But boy was she glad he was there. She wanted no one else. No one else brought quite as much comfort. When the nurse asked if she could ring someone on her behalf, only one name came to mind.

A nurse appeared with a trolley, announcing that she was going to fix the cast to Gillian's wrist. She gave Cal an eyeful and Gillian explained that Cal was her ride home. She didn't miss the subtle shift in his facial expression as it hardened from pure concern to a hint of hurt. After the nurse had left, Gillian had to sit and wait for the doctor to release her and apparently a gang shooting had just come in too so it would be awhile, the nurse warned her.

"Why did you ask them to call me?" Cal asked softly from where he had been sitting quietly the entire half hour.

Gillian flexed her fingers; they were tingly and cold. A stab of pain shot up her arm to her elbow. She winced and turned to Cal. "You're the first person I thought of. Is that ok?"

Cal nodded. "Does it hurt much?"

"Not if I stay still," Gillian answered with a wan smile.

Cal forced a glimmer of one in return. He seemed to want to say something and then hesitated. "Can I get you anythin'?"

"Can I borrow your shirt?"

Cal gave her a curious expression.

"They cut mine up and there's kind of blood on it."

"Of course," Cal responded getting to his feet. He slipped out of his coat and the suit jacket he had worn to work. He was unbuttoning the white shirt he had also worn that day when he asked, "Was the otha drive-a all right?"

"I think so. I did ask and they said he was fine. Staying overnight for observation or something."

"And did you talk to the coppas?"

"No. Tomorrow probably."

Cal pulled his shirt from his shoulders, revealing the tattoos on his right shoulder, upper and fore arm, and handed it to her. Then he slipped his suit jacket back on over the white wife-beater and his coat on over the top of that. It wasn't an entirely bad look for him. The hospital emergency department was warm but he felt cold. "Your car?"

"I have no idea."

Cal looked her in the eye. "Do you wanna stay ova tonight?"

Gillian hoped she didn't give away some hidden stray thought about how she really felt about that question, something that only he would see and she would never know she had expressed unless he told her about it. "Yes please," she answered softly and looked him in the eye, trying not to sound or look too desperate.

Cal nodded. He slipped his hand into hers again. "When I got the phone call you were in hospital I nearly had a bloody heart attack."

Gillian squeezed his fingers. His hand was cold. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

'_It's my own for caring too much,_' Cal finished in his head for once.

The doctor reappeared. "You can go. Here's something for the pain. You can fill it in reception. Uh, you probably can't sign this," she noted the cast on her patient's right hand. She noticed Cal. "Are you the husband?"

"Yeah," Cal answered without any hesitation.

"Ok sign here," the doctor handed over the clipboard. Cal scrawled out his signature quickly. "A nurse will bring your belongings in."

"Thanks," Gillian responded. Cal handed the clipboard back.

"Take it easy for a few days," the doctor instructed handing over the prescriptions to Cal. He folded them and tucked them into his coat pocket. Then he turned to Gillian who was starting to throw back the blankets. He saw she was still wearing the trousers she had worn to work earlier in the day. At least he didn't have to also hand over his pants too.

Gillian began to struggle out of the hospital gown but she seemed stiff in her movements. Her right wrist lagged. "Here," Cal stepped in. He lifted the garment up over her head in one motion. Then it suddenly occurred to him that she could be naked underneath it and he felt embarrassed that he hadn't thought of that sooner, to afford her some modesty, but Gillian wasn't self-conscious and she didn't seem bothered at all that she was sitting in her bra in front of him or that he stared. He hadn't seen her naked in two months. He had to consciously not gawk. He helped her slip into his shirt, doing up the buttons, trying hard not to actually let his fingers touch her skin.

"Shoes?"

"The nurse has them," Gillian explained thickly, the overwhelming rush of his scent from his shirt caused her brain to wobble. She took a few deep breaths to get more, feeling like an addict in desperate need of a fix, even as she knew it was not good for her.

Cal busied himself with placing the gown at the end of the bed. Distance seemed like a good idea at that moment. Then the nurse appeared with a brown property bag and told Gillian she would see her in six weeks to get the cast off. "Six weeks," Gillian sighed. "That sucks." She shifted to the edge of the bed and winced.

"You all right?" Cal asked immediately concerned.

"Yeah, it's my ribs," she gave a frown. She stretched for the bag and winced again; it was out of range. Cal took it completely out of her reach, pulled her shoes out of the inside and took her legs one at a time to slip her shoes on. He could feel under the fabric how muscular her calves were. This time he couldn't stop the flood of images, of them in a darkened bedroom making love and how he used to know her body so well, not that long ago. He still knew it. Two months hadn't yet erased those memories.

"Let's get you home," Cal noted gently, his mouth dry. He looked up to see Gillian now giving him an intense expression after concealing longing. He started to wonder if his being there and her staying over was a good idea. But then who else did she have?

'_Her brother_,' Cal answered himself. '_Unlike you, she's not completely alone_.'

Cal straightened up. He offered her his arm. "Shall we?"

Gillian slid the last few inches off the bed, leaning heavily on his arm until she had righted herself. Cal helped her slip her left arm into her coat, the other sleeve hung loosely. They walked slowly through the emergency department, Gillian hugging her broken wrist against her abdomen. She was hesitant in her movements, slow, cautious and Cal had all the patience in the world for her. He drove back to his place carefully, almost paranoid. They didn't talk much but it wasn't weird or uncomfortable and Cal was grateful for that. He kept thinking about her having a close call. Car accidents were such iffy affairs; if the driver had been driving just a little faster, if he had hit her a few inches to the left, if the car had been a Mac truck, Gillian could be gone right now.

Cal stopped and went into a pharmacy to fill Gillian's prescriptions, he also picked up a toothbrush, and a few other items he knew would make her feel more comfortable. At his place, he helped her inside and to the living room and made her sit and wait while he made her something to eat. She objected, but he was having none of it. She had to have something in her stomach to take her medication, even if it was just grilled cheese. While she ate, Cal changed the bed sheets in his room.

As Cal came through the living room door he watched her profile undisturbed for a second. He had missed these opportunities to observe her. A red mottled bruise was spreading out from beneath the white bandage on her forehead. He hated to see her hurt, physically was no exception. "How are you doin'?" He broke his own reverie and came further into the room, moving into her line of sight.

"Best grilled cheese I've had in a long time," she gave him a smile. "But that's probably because someone other than myself made it."

Cal wasn't sure if she was insulting him or merely teasing. Her smile widened slightly and he knew he had been had. "So what's next?"

"Shower and bed I think."

"All right," Cal offered her his hand and she got up slowly, stiffly and winced as she straightened the last few movements. "You all right?"

"Mm hmm."

He helped her to the bathroom and set her up with a fresh towel, the bathmat, the new toothbrush, hair brush and wash-cloth. He wrapped her cast in cling film and a plastic bag and taped it to her arm.

"You've done this before," she noted.

Cal gave a slight smile. "Yeah once or twice. You need anythin' else?"

"No thank you."

Cal leaned into the shower and turned the water on and then left, pulling the door closed behind him. He didn't plan on going far away, in case she did need him, and it was just a few seconds later that her voice floated out over the crescendo of falling water. He waited a beat, the time it would take for him to walk back from the living room, as if he had bothered to go there. He tapped lightly on the door and opened it a crack. "Yeah luv?"

"I need... help."

Cal pushed the door open further, waiting for her to object and when she didn't he slipped into the by now humid room and closed the door behind him. Tendrils of steam were starting to gather at the top of the ceiling and the tip of the mirror had already begun to mist up. Gillian had unbuttoned his shirt but that was about as far as she had gotten. She looked helpless and in pain and the expression on her face was a vulnerable 'help me'.

Cal crossed to where she stood and gently helped her left arm out of its sleeve, then her right. He was disturbed to see the bruises starting to bloom across her rib cage, a very definite line where her seatbelt had held her in place. Cal guessed the airbag had not gone off and that gave him a little bit of comfort to know the impact had not been that great. But she had still been hurt, badly by the look of it, so maybe that wasn't entirely a good thing. He helped her step out of her trousers as well, too conscious of his fingers on her thighs but he couldn't stop his eyes trailing back to the red marks on her torso.

"Is it bad?" Gillian asked softly, following his line of sight.

"I think you'll end up with some really amazin' colours," Cal quipped back. Gillian smiled and the tension between them was broken. Her left hand gripped his shoulder tightly as he helped her undress and now they stood with her in her underwear and him fully dressed in a hot room. "At what point do you want me to leave?" Cal asked, looking her in the eye.

"Help me into the water?"

Cal gave a slight nod and swallowed hard. Gillian slipped her underwear over her hips and used Cal to lean on while she stepped out of them. Cal unhooked her bra for her and it fell away to the floor, leaving her completely naked while he felt a tug in his groin. He told himself to calm the hell down, that nothing was even remotely going to happen, that he wasn't allowed to think about her in that way anymore but it didn't really help. He tried not to look but couldn't quite manage it. Gillian continued to grip his shoulder tightly as they stepped carefully across the tiled floor to the shower cubicle. Cal pulled the door open and helped her step inside and then worried that she might slip over in there because she was so unsteady on her feet and he didn't have a shower mat.

"One more thing," Gillian turned carefully towards him. Her skin had goose-fleshed, her nipples were hardened. "Can you take the bandage off?" She meant the one on her forehead. She was holding her broken arm against her ribs and her left one was holding onto Cal.

"Are you allowed?"

"Uh huh. It's good to clean it."

Cal carefully peeled back the tape to reveal an inch long gash, angry red, bright with blood, the skin around it smeared with darker dried blood and the bruise that was still forming. He felt a surge of anger that someone had caused this on her beautiful face.

"Is it bad?" Gillian asked, reading his expression.

It hadn't needed stitches and now that Cal looked closely it seemed more superficial than anything. "It looks all right," he told her convincingly.

Gillian stepped back into the stream of water and Cal shut the cubicle door. He threw the bandage into the rubbish. He opened the vanity to hunt around for his first aid kit and produced a fresh bandage and some medical tape for her.

"Cal?" Her voice came meekly over the sound of the water.

"Yeah luv?"

"Can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah luv."

"Can you join me? I can't even wash my hair."

It felt like, for a second, all the air had been sucked out of the room. Join her, while she was in there naked and wet? Bloody hell. Was there any other way to do this besides getting in there with her?

"Please? I know it's awkward. You don't have to," she started to let him off the hook.

"It's all right," Cal cut her off, hoping his voice sounded steady. He slipped out of the sweatshirt he had donned once they were home and his work trousers, socks and shoes and left them in a heap in the middle of the floor. As much as he would have loved to strip down and join her in being naked, some sort of barrier between them seemed like a very good, sane idea. Boundaries. Their boundaries were always too blurry.

Cal pulled the shower door open and was confronted by a naked and wet Gillian. He was immediately turned on. Her eyes glanced southward and Cal set his jaw and tried to ignore it. Gillian ignored it too and moved aside to let him in. The door clicked shut behind him. The water was hot and it made a crackling sound as it pounded into the plastic bag covering her arm. Gillian's hair was already wet and she turned her back on him as he reached for the shampoo.

Cal had massive flashbacks as he lathered her hair. He massaged her scalp, digging the tips of his fingers firmly. He rinsed her hair out and repeated and then worked conditioner through the short strands. He ran his fingers through to work out the knots until all of it was silky smooth. Neither of them said a word through this practiced routine. Cal ran his hand over her head one more time, checking one more time for any tangles and then ran his hand down over the curve of her neck to her shoulders. Both hands pressed against the petite muscles of her shoulders, firmly working away tension until she relaxed. Then he was suddenly self-conscious of violating her personal space and withdrew.

"That was nice," Gillian commented in a light tone. Cal marvelled at how calm she sounded because he wanted nothing more than to throw her against the wall and have passionate sex with her right there in the shower. They had tried that once, before they slipped, ended up in a heap and had to rush to the bedroom to finish.

'_Stop it, stop it, stop it_.'

Cal reached up and rinsed the conditioner out of her hair. He excused himself to the safety of the bathroom, stripped off his wet underwear and wrapped his body up in a towel. He went to his room to change and get some fresh air. This was all probably a very terrible idea, her being there. She had other people she could rely on so why was she asking him?

Cal, dressed in his pyjamas, went back to the bathroom with a spare set for Gillian. "Ready to get out?" He asked to warn her that he was back in the room.

The water suddenly stopped. "Yeah." Gillian pushed the door open and Cal was ready with her towel. He wrapped it around her carefully and then they went through the very, very awkward process of getting her dry again. Cal helped her dress and re-bandaged the wound on her head. As they stepped out of the steamy bathroom Gillian shivered. Cal wondered if she was reacting to the sudden change in temperature or if she was going into shock. Then he wondered if he was worrying too much.

He tucked her into bed, got a hot water bottle for her ribs, a glass of water for the pain pills and tried to bid her a goodnight. But she stopped him with that vulnerable tone of voice he couldn't walk away from. "Will you stay?"

He probably shouldn't. He should probably walk away, go to the couch and curl up, ignore her because he was trying to get over her, but what he wanted most in the world right now was to cuddle up behind her. So he did and then told her he was only staying until she went to sleep. Gillian leaned back against his chest, her damp head still warm from the hot water, and sighed contentedly. "I've missed you," she said in a quiet voice.

Cal's stomach tightened and he took a moment to compose himself before answering her. "Me too," he agreed softly. But he was starting to think this was all very unfair. She shouldn't have asked this of him. She knew how he felt, she knew he was hurting, she knew he couldn't tell her 'no'; he wouldn't.

They lay together in silence; Cal spooned up behind her, on top of the covers, all about those boundaries. Gillian took occasional deep breaths and when she did they hitched at the edges. After a while of silence she relaxed further into him and then further still. Her breathing evened out. Cal left it another fifteen minutes to make sure she was well under and then slipped carefully out from underneath her body. She rolled backward onto the mattress. Her hair had left a large damp patch on Cal's chest and he whipped his t-shirt off before leaving the room, replacing it with a dry one. As he was about to close the bedroom door he caught the peaceful expression on her face and changed his mind. He was glad she was there.


	21. Chapter 21

"Is your Dad not here?" Gillian asked surprised. Not that she didn't mind the teenager coming to visit her in her office.

"I'm sure he's in his office," Emily gave a wave to the corridor. She took a casual step closer. "I was wondering if I could talk to you. Is that ok? I mean, are we still allowed to talk?"

"Of course," Gillian gestured to the seat opposite her desk; the cast heavy on her wrist.

"Are we still allowed to be friends?"

"Definitely," Gillian responded with a smile. She actually felt relieved. She hadn't seen Emily in a long time, not since she came to talk to her about being in love.

Emily smiled in return. "Cool."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Well you know last year for the prom, I got ready at Mom's place and this year I'm supposed to get ready at Dad's?"

"I remember."

"I was wondering. I mean, I talked to Dad about it a few months ago now, before you…" she gave an awkward wave of her hand. "About you being there and us maybe going shopping together to pick a dress. He said if I found one I liked I had to take you to get it approved and he would give me his credit card."

Gillian smiled again and nodded. "Ok."

"But you know, things are different now so if you don't want to."

"I'd love to. I miss hanging out."

Emily looked relieved. "Me too. Are you free this weekend?"

"Yeah I'm free," Gillian smiled.

"Cool. I'll text on Saturday or something."

"Wouldn't you rather go with your friends?"

"Oh well, we've gone shopping and stuff. I just thought we could spend some time together?" Emily looked unsure again.

"That'd be great," Gillian reassured.

Emily relaxed.

**PJ**

"I talked to Gillian today."

"You did what?" Cal turned around surprised.

"You said you'd buy me a prom dress if I took Gillian with me. She's agreed to go this weekend."

Cal looked perturbed. "Yeah I'd forgotten about that."

"I'm not surprised," Emily muttered.

"Sorry?"

"So is that ok? Am I allowed the credit card?"

"Yeah luv, you can have the credit card," Cal answered distracted. "Is Gillian pickin' you up?"

"We haven't worked out the details yet."

Cal nodded. He turned back to the stove.

"You know Dad, you could always come with us," Emily added surreptitiously.

"That's all right luv, you should do the girly thing. It's not really my cup of tea."

Emily nodded with her wide eyes, something in them telling Cal she disagreed with him. But he didn't quite know what it was. And he didn't have the heart to pry it out of her either.

**PJ**

Gillian wanted to ask but she wasn't sure if it was the right conversation to have with his daughter. She really wanted to ask though and wondered how to broach the subject. Was he ok? He was hiding so much from her now. What did you do when your best friend was also the man you had hurt? And after the accident, with her staying the night at his place, kissing him, well, things had taken a turn for the worse. They were back to awkward silences and strained conversations. Gillian noticed Cal was unable to completely meet her eye. And to be honest, she had a hard time trying to do the same.

"I definitely think the blue looks better," Gillian said into the silent car. A rental. She hadn't gotten around to buying a new one yet. It would have been something she would ask Cal to get involved in, not that he was mechanically minded, and a part of her was still waiting for the day that she felt he would say yes. Cal would tell her if the dealer was trying to sell her a lemon.

Emily nodded. "I think it was a good choice."

"When is the prom exactly?"

"Three weeks."

"You're getting organised early."

"Yeah if I didn't get Dad organised early nothing would happen."

Gillian smiled. That was so true! And then she pounced, glad his daughter had brought him up first. "How is your Dad doing?"

"He's ok," Emily answered optimistically.

"That's good," Gillian responded lamely. She hoped Emily would elaborate a little without prompting. She usually did.

"He's pretty quiet though so I mean, he seems ok on the surface but I don't really think he is ok."

Gillian gave her a quick glance and a nod.

"Is it ok that I talk to you about this?" Emily asked cautiously.

"You can talk to me about anything," Gillian reiterated.

"I think he's really bummed out. Not like when he split up with Mom. That was different somehow. Now he just seems… flat all the time."

"Yeah I know," Gillian said quietly.

"I kinda worry about him but he still eats sometimes, and puts clean clothes on and showers and stuff but it's like he's distracted all the time. I'm kind of scared he's going to be daydreaming while he's driving or something."

Gillian nodded again, her throat dry.

"He's not even grumpy like he used to be before you guys got together."

"Grumpy?" Gillian asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, you know, snide and short tempered. He used to give my boyfriend a hard time and now he's completely civil," Emily spoke with her eyes wide, like she was proving a point. "He's a different person when you're around. He's witty and smiles a lot. You mellowed him out."

**PJ**

Cal heard the front door open and got up from the couch. In the hallway Emily and Gillian were kicking off their shoes and talking about the virtues of tuxedos versus suits. He waited at the doorway to the lounge until they noticed him.

"Hey Dad," Emily greeted him brightly.

"You get it?" he asked.

"Yeah, shopping was successful."

"That's good luv."

"Why don't you put it on and show your Dad?" Gillian suggested.

"Yeah I'd like to see it," Cal agreed.

"Ok," Emily headed towards her bedroom.

"And then give me my credit card back," Cal called after her. He finally looked at Gillian. "Hi."

Gillian gave him a smile. "Hi."

"Come in," Cal offered.

"Thanks."

"You want some coffee?"

"I'd love some."

Cal moved to the kitchen. Every time he felt as though he was doing better, he would see Gillian again and realise he was wrong. At work it seemed much more bearable because they could talk about work related things. But on other occasions he would store up conversation topics so there would be no awkward silences. Gillian, on the other hand, didn't seem to have that trouble. She was always pleasant, always smiling, always warm towards him. She was either coping a lot better or just wasn't as affected as him. That was a disturbing thought.

"So I have to go to the doctor on Monday morning so I'll be in late to the office."

"What's that for?" Cal asked following along the conversation, grateful she was making the effort and he didn't have to.

"I am finally getting this thing off," Gillian raised her right arm.

"Ah," Cal nodded with a slight smile. "The great 'de-castin'."

"The 'great release'," Gillian added.

"The 'unveilin'."

Gillian smiled, "Freedom."

Cal grinned. "Bustin' out."

Gillian giggled. "I don't have anymore."

"How about 'the great unwashed'?"

"Hey," Gillian feigned insult.

"I just meant the arm. The rest of you is fine."

Gillian gave him another smile.

"Shall we?" Cal indicated the lounge. Gillian nodded and followed him. Cal settled on the couch and Gillian sat next to him, tucking her leg under her butt, in a familiar pose, so she was facing him.

"So what kind of dent did you put in my credit card?"

"Hardly a dent at all, trust me."

"Yeah this was the cheaper of the two options," Emily added entering the room with her dress on.

"You look beautiful," Cal told her softly.

"Thanks Dad."

"I really mean that luv. You look great."

Emily beamed. "Thanks." She did a turn. "Ok, I'm going to get changed."

Cal turned to Gillian who was smiling at Emily's retreating figure. "Thanks for doin' this."

"It's really my pleasure Cal," Gillian told him sincerely. Her blue eyes were very serious for a moment. "I can't believe how fast she's growing up. The first time I met her was ten years ago now, can you believe that?"

"Nah," Cal noted with a sigh. Ten years.

"She was just a sweet little girl and now she's practically grown up," Gillian added wistfully.

Cal watched her out of the corner of his eye. "How's the adoption process comin' along?"

Gillian turned her full attention to him. "Are you sure you want me to talk to you about it?"

"Of course," Cal responded with a frown.

"I had an interview the other day."

"What was that for?"

"Because it's been so long, they want to recheck everything. The circumstances have changed since Alec and I tried together."

Cal nodded. "Did it go all right?"

"I think so," Gillian nodded. "I'm kind of feeling confident, but I don't want to get my hopes up."

"You'll be all right," Cal told her.

"Ok I'm going to go now," Emily came back into the room. She was in casual jeans and a shirt. She had a bag slung over her shoulder. She put out her hand and Cal put out his. They watched each other for a moment, then Emily went into her pocket for his credit card and Cal handed over the car keys.

"Make sure you're not home too late ok?"

"Ok," Emily agreed. "See you later Gillian. Thanks for today I had fun."

"Me too," Gillian responded with a smile.

"Rick's cookin' dinna," Cal explained.

"That's the new boyfriend right?"

Cal nodded.

"That's nice."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. They sat comfortably for a moment. "Do you wanna stay for dinna?"

"If you don't have plans."

Cal gave a wry grin. "Well I was gonna go out but someone nicked my car."

Gillian smiled. She could see what Emily was talking about when they were in the car. The more time they spent in each other's company the more charming he got, the more like the old Cal he became. "I'd love to stay for dinner."

**PJ**

Cal sipped his coffee and squinted at the TV screen. It was a twenty inch, flat screen, LCD, black, on the end of his kitchen bench. Cal was a lover of technology. He loved that he could access his entire building from the comfort of his living room, or, if he had his phone with him, just about anywhere in the world. He had cameras all over the office and he could see any corner of it any time he liked. He enjoyed the sharpness of high definition screens, especially as he was getting more and more long sighted as the years went by. He liked that he could programme his HD Recorder to search for programmes with key words. He wasn't a big fan of watching television, unless it was informative, and he didn't have the patience for aimless surfing to see if there just happened to be something on worth his time. Not like Gillian. She liked all those soap-type dramas and romantic comedies; _Grey's Anatomy_ and _The Big Bang Theory_. Cal would rather read.

Arson was the subject of the morning's news. The news anchor, a woman wearing a hot pink suit and a blue tank top underneath, who Cal had a hard time taking seriously based on the pitch of her voice and the candy coloured lipstick on her collagen lips, was talking about the FBI's theory that they were dealing with a serial arsonist in the greater DC area. An abandoned building last week was the first incident. Then it was a school earlier this week and now a house in the early hours of this morning. Granted the house had been empty at the time, but still, the person responsible was escalating. Cal turned to his marmalade toast. He was already absently working the case and it had nothing to do with him. He sipped more coffee and gave a silent sigh. The toast tasted of nothing and he was forcing himself to eat it. He knew he would work through lunch and when he got home there was a very real chance it would be late and he wouldn't cook. At least he was forcing one meal down is gullet a day.

Cal's phone started to ring. The device did just about everything but make his coffee in the morning. He had preset ring tones for the most significant people in his life. This particular chime was assigned to Reynolds. "Yeah?" Cal answered, muting the TV with his other hand.

"We've got a case. FBI, priority."

"What's it about?"

"Arson."

"Yeah I'm watchin' the news." Cal walked to the sink and rinsed his mug out.

"Good, then you know all about it," Reynolds answered sardonically, his distaste for media coverage of an ongoing investigation pronounced. "Meet me on Summerbrooke Ave. That's off…"

"Yeah I know where it is," Cal interrupted. "I'll be fifteen minutes."

"I'll be waiting. And call Foster. Deputy Director Carmichael wants this one solved before half the city turns to ashes."

Reynolds hung up on him. Cal binned his breakfast and reached for his keys and wallet before heading to the door for a sports jacket. Gillian's number was still in his speed dial, in its safe and familiar place. Cal called her while he backed down the drive way.

"Cal?"

"Where are you luv?"

"At home. I'm having breakfast. Are you on your way to the office?" She sounded curious. "You sound like you're driving. You shouldn't really be on the phone."

"Make it a quick one yeah?" He meant her breakfast. "Reynolds wants us on that arson case."

"The one on the news?"

"That's the one." Cal gave her the address.

When he pulled up, the smoking remains of the two story house were cordoned off by yellow crime scene tape. A crowd of onlookers, probably neighbours were being gently discouraged from pressing closer by uniformed police officers. The media were clamouring against their security cordon; cameras, lights, boom mic's and reporters. There were two fire trucks in attendance, as well as several police cruisers and an ambulance. And as per usual, there were uniformed personnel milling around while only a few men seemed to be doing any work. There were also a few suits and one of them was Reynolds. He spotted Cal as he was approaching the yellow tape. Reynolds quickly stepped in to vouch for Cal.

"Where's Foster?" Reynolds asked.

Cal felt a stab of jealousy and then surprise at the strong emotion, and told Reynolds that she was on her way. Reynolds had a soft spot for Gillian. A lot of people did. Hell, Cal had for years. What scared him was whether Gillian had the same feeling for Reynolds. She got along with everyone and everyone loved her…

"Cal?"

"Sorry, what?"

"I said, the call came in to police at four thirty this morning by a neighbour but Lieutenant Webber tells me the house was ablaze for probably an hour and a half before he arrived."

"And he's the head of fire?"

"He's the lead fire investigator, yeah," Reynolds answered impatiently.

"All right, let's talk to him," Cal took charge. "Who made the call?"

Reynolds consulted a notebook. "Mrs Richards."

"We'll talk to her next."

"Okay good," Reynolds answered determinedly. He liked having a purpose, Cal knew. He hated to sit by and watch something unfold. It frustrated him endlessly being with the Lightman Group as they sat around and pried information out of a witness, painstaking question by painstaking question; or set-up by painstaking set-up.

Lieutenant Webber was a tall man, broad shouldered with a tough air about him but he was reasonable and polite. He answered all of Cal's questions, probably something he had already gone over a hundred times already, but something he did again, taking the time to explain the way the fires spread, accelerants and primary sites. When Gillian arrived, they talked to the neighbours. Cal didn't think any of them were actually responsible, but still, he had to rule them out. Gillian asked the questions, he watched the reactions. They were all wide-eyed innocent. Some were still in their night clothes and like all good suburbanites, they had their theories about who had done it.

The owners of the house were out of the country on holiday and Reynolds had already tried three times to contact them. The fire investigators had not found any bodies in the house so there was no initial concern for their safety. It was just a matter of telling them their home had been destroyed. Also, Cal wanted to know if there were any enemies in the background, lurking for revenge. That would certainly give him some angle of this case to start on.

"I have to admit luv, I'm not sure where to start on this one."

They were sitting in his office. Cal slouched back in his chair. Gillian was hand writing notes on a pad. Cal liked the way the light shone off her hair. Gillian gave him a bemused expression. "That's not like you."

"It's like lookin' for a needle in a hay stack. The police have no idea where to go on this one and I kind of feel the same."

"We start where we always start."

"At the beginnin'?"

Gillian laughed lightly. "Yeah. At the beginning." She said it as if it was an obvious answer. Then she gave him a little frown like she didn't believe he was actually being serious. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm tired," Cal dismissed quickly. "The beginnin'. That would be with the abandoned buildin' last week."

Gillian reached for the blue folder containing the case notes Loker had gathered for them. She scanned the first page. "An abandoned storage barn in Virginia."

"Looks like we're headin' for the sticks then."


	22. Chapter 22

Ben drove them out to the farmhouse to speak with man who owned the property. He had acquired it in a mortgage auction, enforced by a bank. The previous owner had lost everything. Gillian thought it was worth finding the former owner. Cal let her talk and watched for reactions, his usual practice. As far as he could see, the new owner didn't have anything interesting to share. He wasn't hiding anything, didn't have any theories, was just a run of the mill farmer more worried about his crops and the economic climate this year. In fact, he didn't seem bothered that the storage building had been destroyed in the first place; he wasn't using it. He had a teenaged son. Cal asked to speak with him but he wasn't on the property. Cal left his card; he wanted to talk to the son. In the car, Gillian asked him why.

"Just coverin' all the bases."

"You didn't read anything off the father?"

"Nah, did you?"

"No."

"Where do you want to go next?" Reynolds cut in.

"The office," Cal answered.

**PJ**

Reynolds had somewhere else to be so he dropped them at the entrance. Cal walked with Gillian up to the front door and held it open. The building seemed quiet for just a split second, a weird pocket of space where time seemed to stand still for a moment and then the door banged shut behind them and Cal was suddenly aware of chatter further up the corridor. Heidi was on the phone. Audio from a video feed was barely audible from another direction. Gillian had stopped inside the doorway and Cal was waiting for her to start walking to fall into step with him. She looked over at him, a slight amused frown on her face. So she had noticed it too. Cal raised his eyebrows in a shrug and she gave a slight shake of her head, dismissing the incident, while she stepped forward.

"So you think we've got a disgruntled victim of the economic collapse?" Cal asked.

"It's the only thing we have to go on at the moment," Gillian countered.

"You have to link him to the other two sites first."

"There is still the possibility that they are just random occurrences."

"So we need the fire report too." Cal pointed a finger to prove his point.

Gillian reached the door to the lab. "You call Reynolds."

"What are you doin?"

"Checking up on Ria."

Cal gave her an amused half smirk. "Still playin' mutha hen then."

Gillian rolled her eyes and pushed on the lab door. Cal watched her disappear inside. His office seemed cold so he adjusted the heat and then sat at his computer. There were post-it notes attached to the screen, Heidi's latest attempt at giving Cal his phone messages. What he wanted her to do was screen the calls, unless they were personally for him she could just pass them all along to Gillian. But it had been three years and he still hadn't got her to form the habit. Probably because Gillian was in her other ear instructing her to give Cal _all_ his messages, no matter what they were or who they were from. One was from the mayor's office. One was from an advertising agency who wanted to train in the METT (micro expression training tool) so they could better sell crap to unsuspecting buyers. The third message of the morning, was from a TV station; some twenty-four hour ambulance chasing type set-up who wanted him to make a statement. Cal binned all of them in one crumpled basket-ball shot. They spun around the rim and fell in.

"What if they were important? Did you even read them first?" Gillian admonished as she crossed the room.

Cal didn't bother giving her an impish expression. She already knew his feelings on the subject.

"Have you called Reynolds?"

"I just sat down," Cal complained.

Gillian reached for his phone, picked up the receiver and dialled. Cal let her. He watched while the innate jealousy he felt at Ben and Gillian's relationship roared up out of its pit. They were friends, they got along, they worked well together, they respected each other. He was being very stupid, Cal knew it, but he couldn't shake the idea that there was something going on between them. Gillian also had a great relationship with Loker, Ria, Heidi, in fact all of their staff, but it was Ben that made Cal want to punch something. Probably because he saw the way Ben looked at her too.

"Hey Ben, it's Gillian." She smiled sweetly while she listened to the response. Cal felt his chest tighten. He turned away, listening to the conversation, while he stopped the screensaver on his computer and pulled up his research notes. By the time Gillian hung up he was already immersed.

"Ben is going to send over the fire chief's report by the end of the day."

"Good," Cal answered absently.

"I'm going to the school to talk to the principal."

"All right."

"Want to come?"

"Nah, I'm gonna work on this," Cal didn't glance up from the screen. He continued to type a few words even as they spoke.

Gillian called Cal from North High an hour later. The son of the farmer was a student there and he also hadn't shown up for class that day. "So when we asked the fartha where he was, he should have said 'at school'?" Looking back Cal could concede the father was still being honest when he said he didn't know where his son was. Cal hadn't thought to ask what age the kid was. Based on the father's response he had figured he wasn't still in school.

"Exactly," Gillian responded.

"Any idea where the kid is now?"

"Ben and I are going to start talking to his friends now."

"All right. Got your camera?"

"No."

"I'll send Loke-a."

"Ok. What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna go back to the fartha. It might be nothin' but I got a funny feelin'."

"Ok I'll call you if anything interesting comes up."

"Yeah do that," Cal agreed and ended the call. He was curious now. The kid was MIA and the father was lying to cover his arse, or not giving a crap about the kid. Even if they couldn't connect the two men to the last fire, there was still something interesting going on; and there was a connection between the first two arsons at least. Cal stuck his head into the lab on his way out, "Oi Loke-a, Fosta needs you down at North High."

Loker raised one eyebrow. "Ok," he agreed and got to his feet.

"Torres, you're with me," Cal instructed his natural.

Torres looked more surprised as she abandoned her chair. Cal filled her in briefly as they headed out of the city. But he didn't want to tell her too much because he wanted her to form her own opinions. This was Torres' crux; she knew when someone was lying, she was learning to recognise specific facial expressions, specific muscle contractions but she still didn't understand the why. She didn't understand human behaviour the way Cal and Gillian did with their doctorates in psychology.

Farmer John Rayner was out, but his wife was in. Cal got Torres to ask the questions even though she shot him a glare to say she didn't know what he wanted her to ask. He just gestured that she should carry on. He expected Torres to be able to figure it out. Mrs Rayner was nervous, Cal could see that in the way she kept wringing her hands, but he suspected that was just because there were strangers in her house asking her questions about the fire on her property and her son. Especially when those questions were about her son. As far as he could tell, she wasn't hiding anything either. But then he had thought that about her husband too. He was always lecturing Torres about leaving her emotions at the door, emotions clouded the ability to be objective and to see those little muscle twitches, but maybe he wasn't taking his own advice at the moment. He got the impression there was something he was missing but he couldn't put his finger on it.

Cal took Torres back to the office and checked in with Heidi. Gillian wasn't back yet so he called her. "Got anythin' new?"

"No, we're on our way back now. What did Mr Raynor have to say?"

"He was out. I didn't talk to him. Talked to his wife though. She doesn't know where her kid is eitha."

"You get anything off of her?"

"No, nuthin'. She was nervous but I don't think it was because she knew anythin' about eitha of the fires. What'dya get from the friends?"

"A few hits about his whereabouts. Reynolds is checking them out now. The rest of the footage we can analyse back in the lab."

"Yeah all right."

"Have you had lunch?"

"No."

"I'll bring something back." She hung up on him before he could object.

**PJ**

Gillian brought Cal a chicken salad sandwich. She had learnt long ago that he wouldn't eat it until he had a quiet moment and if she bought something hot he would later complain that it had gone cold and it would more than likely just go in the bin. This way she was upping the chances of him actually eating. The coffee he drank easily though, slouched in an office chair, while he made Loker play the footage over and over. When it was finished for the fifth time he got to his feet and hovered in front of the screen. Gillian perched on an office chair beside one of the computer consuls while she ate her garden salad. She felt Cal glance over at her a few times but she sat silently. Cal spotted all the same things she did a fraction of a second faster and she was more interested in having her lunch than she was in trying to beat him to the punch. She would lose anyway. What she did respond to was the loaded expression from Loker. She checked her watch. "Cal, why don't we take a break?"

"Huh?"

The rest of the room was empty. Everyone else had gone for lunch already.

"Eat," Gillian instructed. To Loker she mouthed 'go'. He got up and left the room quickly.

"Nah I definitely think there's somethin' in this guy here," Cal waved a finger at the large display screen in front of him. He stared at the frozen image intently.

"Cal," Gillian coaxed. "Come and eat."

Cal turned to her. He noted Loker's absence without reaction. He approached and picked up the wrapped sandwich from the edge of the table where it had been waiting for twenty minutes. "Where's your lunch?"

"I ate it," Gillian scooted the chair to the consol where Loker had been sitting. She pushed his chair towards Cal but he ignored it. Gillian let her fingers hit the keys automatically; she didn't have to think about the commands anymore. The image on the large display screen re-wound, so did the image on the computer screen immediately in front of her face.

"What's the connection to the third fire though?" Gillian asked. She felt better now her stomach was full and Cal was at least pretending he was interested in the food she had provided.

"I dunno luv."

"I think we're getting sidetracked with finding this boy."

"He's the common denominate-a."

"Only in two of the three cases. If we can't link him to the third then there's the possibility we're heading down the wrong road."

Cal gave her an amused expression.

"What?"

"Nah, I'm just surprised it didn't take you soona to be the voice of reason."

"I was having my lunch," Gillian pointed out.

Cal turned back to the screen. "See this guy here," he waved a finger again to indicate. "When you asked if they knew anythin' about the fires..."

"He looks panicked for a second," Gillian froze the image hurriedly, capturing the aftermath of the expression.

"Yeah and this guy shifts in his seat," Cal indicated the young man sitting on the end of the row.

"Which could just mean he was uncomfortable."

"Yeah with the question."

"Or that his butt was going to sleep."

Cal turned to give her a smirk. "I think we should bring this guy in for more of a chat."

"You'll have to wait until after school then. We already determined he had nothing of value. The principal doesn't want to give us anymore access during school hours. We've disturbed them enough."

"I doubt you could disturb anyone." Cal grinned at her.

Gillian gave him her disapproving expression.

"Fine. What about Reynolds? Anyone heard from him?"

"Not yet." Gillian turned back to the keyboard. She took the footage back to the start and let it play, sound off, but Cal wasn't watching the screen anymore. He was watching her while he chewed.

"What's your theory then?"

Gillian took a deep breath while she thought. "I'm not sure that I have one yet."

Cal seemed to consider this as he swallowed his mouthful. "What do we know about the third site?"

Gillian reached further across the desk for the case file in its blue folder. "Not much more than what we found out this morning. We are still waiting on the fire chief's report."

"What's with the authorities in this town?" Cal complained. "They on a bloody go slow or somethin'?"

"Not everyone works to your schedule Cal," Gillian admonished lightly while she double checked the file hadn't been updated. She also knew him well enough to know she shouldn't waste her time trying to defend the other side; that would only fuel Cal's need to debate the topic further.

"Fine then, I'll go work on somethin' else and you can call me when we actually get some information I can work with." He strode to the door.

"Will you be in your office?" Gillian asked after him.

"Yeah," Cal called back as the door closed.

Gillian went back to her office and called the school. She got the number for the parents of the boy Cal wanted to talk to, spoke with them and got permission to speak to their son after the school day. She organised for Loker to pick him up in a few hours. Then she called Ben to get a progress report, but he didn't answer his cell phone. She left a message, asking him to call her back. And while she waited for the FBI agent to return her call she started to toil away on what she considered to be her daily paperwork: reports to finish or verify or sign off on, invoicing spreadsheets to update, various correspondence to return, mail to organise and open...

Gillian's phone was on her desk and it suddenly started a slow turn to the right. The sound of the vibration against the desk alerted her to the incoming call. The screen flashed Ben's number. "Tell me you have something for us to go on with?"

"I have Todd Raynor. Will that do it for you?"

"How far away are you?"

"Twenty minutes."

"I'll get set up in the cube."

**PJ**

Cal paced and it was starting to get on Gillian's nerves. She thought again about telling him to leave and wished again that she had thought to tell him about Todd's arrival only when the young man had actually arrived. Cal turned at the end of the desk and must have caught her expression because he suddenly stopped and studied her. Gillian could see him do it out of the corner of her eye. Inside the cube, Torres was doing a sound and visual check; Loker was monitoring everything from his computer consul.

"Do you want me to question him?" Gillian asked Cal to distract both of them.

"Nah I'll do it."

"Ok."

The intercom on the phone beeped. "Yeah?" Cal asked abruptly.

"I have a Marshall Williams calling from the Georgetown Fire Department about the scene report..."

"Fosta'll take it."

"In my office," Gillian told him. Cal repeated the instructions to the phone on the desk. When Gillian got to her office she could see the red light blinking on her phone. "This is Doctor Foster," she greeted into the receiver. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting Mr Williams."

"That's fine. You wanted to know the findings on the Sanderson domestic fire?"

"Yes."

"There was an electrical malfunction in the downstairs living room. Without a sprinkler system the fire spread quickly to the furniture there and on through the house..."

"It was accidental?" Gillian cut in.

"Yes."

"I was led to believe there were similarities between this incident and a fire at North High School as well as a fire on a private property earlier last week."

"I'm aware the media has made links between two other fires but they are not related to this."

"But they are related to each other?"

"As far as I'm aware. I can't comment as my department didn't investigate those incidences."

"Yes, I understand that. And thank you for your time. I appreciate the phone call."

"You want a copy of the official report?"

"Yes please."

"I'll fax it over."

'_Huh_,' Gillian thought. So the media had sensationalised the serial arson aspect, but there must have been something that piqued the FBI's interest otherwise The Lightman Group would not be involved. Somewhere along the way, the wrong people were listening to the wrong people. Gillian got up again and tracked back down the corridor to the section of the building where all the labs and interrogation rooms were located. The cube was reserved for intensive interviews and for cases in which security was an issue. The glass could be tinted either way, for the occupants to see out or be obscured from the outside. It was bullet proof and the door had a key-pad lock on it. As per usual, there were cameras in every corner, microphones picked up every word uttered, even those under one's breath.

Cal was inside the cube with a young man who was lanky, pale and wore his blonde hair long, so it attempted to obscure his face. His attitude was sullen, he slouched and his eyebrows were drawn down in an aggressive expression. Cal was in the middle of staring him down, one of his normal interrogation techniques. Often, people were uncomfortable with silences; something Cal knew and hoped would entice Todd to make the first comment. Gillian supposed it was better than coming back to find Cal screaming at the young man.

"What did the Fire Chief say?" Loker asked without taking his eyes off the monitors in front of him. On them Todd was displayed from three different angles. One of the images was of Cal's stony expression.

"The first two fires are related, the third isn't." Gillian took a seat. Torres gave her a surprised expression. Gillian explained, "The one this morning was accidental, some electrical fault."

Reynolds snapped his cell phone closed. "Did I hear that right?"

"You did," Gillian confirmed.

"So what are we accusing this kid of?"

"Nothing so far," Loker muttered.

Gillian glanced at the screen. Todd was starting to get uncomfortable; he shifted slightly while trying to cover the movement. "We still believe he has information about the first two fires." Ben looked unimpressed but Gillian out did him. "I'd like to know how the FBI got involved."

"Three fires in one city in the space of a few weeks," Ben explained.

"Surely there are more fires than that in an area this big?" Torres asked.

"Surprisingly no, but three fires that start at the same time, all spread quickly, had seemingly similar starting points?"

"About the starting points," Gillian jumped in. "One was a barn, the other a school, the other a house. How were there similar starting points?"

"Maybe they all started in the kitchen," Loker quipped.

Ben afforded Loker a sigh but Gillian just ignored him. "They all started under a window. There was enough from the initial report from the third scene for the FBI to show interest."

"Is that what we're doing?" Loker commented sardonically. "He's not doing anything in there."

"Just wait," Gillian told him. To Ben she said, "Have you read the first two fire reports?"

"I glanced at them. We're still waiting to get the third."

"It's being faxed over now," Gillian told him. "Do you have a copy of the first two?"

"I can get you a copy."

"Thanks," Gillian said over her shoulder as she turned back to the computer screen, just in time to see Cal shift in his seat and Todd lick his lips in a nervous gesture. He opened his mouth and asked Cal what he was doing there. Gillian hesitated. She needed to tell Cal that Todd was not linked to the third fire and yet the silence had finally won out. Todd was talking.

On the computer screen Cal said, "I wanna talk to you about a few fires that you seem to know about."

"Well I don't want to talk to you."

"All right," Cal answered simply and went back to his stony stare.

"Great," Loker muttered.

"Just wait," Gillian told him confidently.

There was a moment's silence and then Todd was talking again, "Can I go?"

"No."

More silence. "So... what? You're just going to sit there until I tell you about what I know?"

"Yeah."

Another long pause. "I don't know anything about them."

"How did you know he'd talk?" Torres asked.

"Children who are neglected would rather incur someone's wrath because it's better than being ignored."

"It's attention seeking," Torres supplied.

"Exactly."

"Even if he doesn't want to talk to Cal?"

"He will, because it's better than the silence," Gillian finished.

"So how did you know he was neglected?"

"He needs a haircut," Loker joked.

"Because his father showed disinterest when we asked about him at the house."

"And the second time his mother genuinely had no idea where he was, which I guess means she doesn't care to keep tabs on him," Torres added.

"Exactly," Gillian repeated.

"So are you going to tell Lightman he had nothing to do with the third fire?" Reynolds cut in.

Gillian pushed her chair back from the table with a sigh. Yes, she really should. She had lost track of the conversation happening in the square room of glass in front of her. She listened for a second to see where Cal was going. He was asking about the first fire. So it was probably safe to cut in. Gillian walked around to the door of the interrogation room. It was open and Cal was sitting facing it so he saw her approaching. His face showed a glimmer of interest. At least he wasn't showing he was annoyed by her interruption. Gillian walked up the steps to the room. "Can I talk to you for a second?" She asked.

Cal didn't answer her immediately but leapt to his feet and ushered her out of the room again. "What is it?"

"Todd's not connected to the third fire," Gillian told him in a low voice.

"What'd'ya mean?"

"I mean the house fire was caused by an electrical fault; it was an accident."

Cal considered her for a second and then turned back to the cube and went inside. This time, he closed the door.

Gillian watched the rest of the interview from a comfortable office chair next to the display screens on Loker's desk. Todd was a reluctant participant and he was good at hiding his emotions; Cal went over the same questions several times. Reynolds lost patience half way through and left. Loker continued to monitor the data streaming in silently. Torres asked Gillian a few questions here and there, about the conclusions Cal was getting to and why he asked the questions he did. Gillian could tell Todd was hiding something but she didn't know what. She could also tell Cal knew the same thing, but was having trouble working it out. So was she. She felt unfocused, tired and was thinking about the day being over. This case had too many holes in it. Cal was distracted for whatever reason and she was finding today hard in picking up the slack. Tomorrow she could start fresh.

"Loke-a will show you out."

Gillian suddenly came to. Cal was escorting Todd out of the door of the cube. Loker was pushing back from his desk to get to his feet and Torres was going to the printer to pick up a document, probably an assessment of the interview for the case file. If anyone had noticed she had been daydreaming they didn't say. Gillian followed Cal out of the room. "Conclusions?" She asked, falling into step with him.

"He's had practice," Cal noted.

Gillian guessed he meant about hiding emotions from others. "He's certainly very defensive."

"Not necessarily grounds for guilt."

Gillian raised an eyebrow that Cal didn't see. They reached his office.

"I want you to talk to him again tomorrow."

"Will we need his parents' permission?"

Cal gave her an intense look and she didn't like it because it made her stomach feel funny. She crammed a firm lid down on that can of worms and forced her mind to focus. "You want me to talk to him away from here?" Cal didn't verbally answer but Gillian continued. "Because you think this set up is causing him to clam up?"

Cal raised his eyebrows. "Take Loke-a and have him record it."

"That is if we can find him. Apparently he's good at being elusive in other ways."

Cal suddenly smirked. "Was that a dig at my interrogation techniques?"

"No," Gillian felt embarrassed and hoped it didn't show on her face. "It was a flippant comment." Then she felt chagrined at herself. Six months ago she would have been able to make a comment like that and it be nothing more than a slight jibe. Now she was embarrassed because she was afraid she had hurt him and she was even more annoyed with herself because she wasn't supposed to be worrying about hurting him anymore. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about whether he was offended by her comments. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about whether he was mad at her, about whether he didn't like her anymore. She sighed, feeling uncomfortable with her thoughts and his gaze. "I need to go home."

"You look tired," Cal commented gently.

And she really needed him to stop... just stop caring. It weakened her resolve.

"I'll see you tomorrow ok?"

"All right luv."

She knew he watched her until she had left the room. As soon as she was in the corridor she felt the need to cry. She missed him. God she missed him. Today was not working out to be a very good day.


	23. Chapter 23

When Gillian arrived at the office the next day Cal was already there. She looked much better, Cal thought. More refreshed and focused and she had the air about her that told him if he messed with her he would probably get a thorough telling off. He had been working on the case, going over the video footage of the interview with Todd Raynor from the day before. He was stumped and he didn't like that. The lab was empty and it had given him plenty of peace and quiet to focus.

"Good morning Cal."

"Good mornin' Fosta. Come and look at this." He had already cued up sections of the interview to show her. And he went through them now, showing her the slight inflections he had missed the day before. Cal was good in the moment but seeing everything slowed down a few times on tape helped. Todd showed signs of deception when questioned about the fires. He denied knowing anything about them, a lie and then tried denying he had no involvement, another lie. He showed anger when he talked about his parents, confirming he had a poor relationship with them and opening up the possibility that his motives for arson were about attention. That was Gillian's theory and Cal let her have it.

Then Reynolds arrived wanting an update. "What does attention seeking and fires have anything to do with it? He's not owning up to them."

"It's about power," Gillian supplied. "Arson and rape cases aren't about the target but about the act. The assailant is in control the whole time. That's what this is about for Todd. He's under the care of parents who are disinterested, he's a teenage boy in school, under the direction of teachers and other authority figures. He's frustrated with his life. He shows strong anger on these subjects."

"He's escalatin'," Cal suddenly cut in. He had been watching the screens again while Gillian talked to Reynolds and he had started the footage at the beginning again. The part where Gillian had entered was frozen on the screen. Cal zoomed the image in on Todd's eye. "Look at that."

"He's aroused," Gillian noted, surprise in her tone.

"He's a teenage boy. What does that prove?" Reynolds asked missing the point.

"Why is he aroused?" Gillian mused. She leaned closer to Cal to see the smaller computer screen he was in front of. Todd's enlarged pupil filled the whole space. "What changed suddenly? You weren't even questioning him."

"You walked in," Cal pointed out. Gillian sat back abruptly. Cal got to his feet and started heading for the door. "Where's Torres?"

"She's not here yet."

"She's late," Cal strode through the doorway. He walked quickly to his office. He could hear the click of Gillian's heels as she followed rapidly behind him and the harder stride of Reynolds' shoes, more evenly paced. Cal found the case file on his desk where he'd left it. He flicked it open to the cover page where information about potential suspects was listed. He checked the information about Todd. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

"I don't know," Reynolds answered.

"You're meant to," Cal started walking out the door again. He talked to Gillian over his shoulder, "Why wasn't this information in the case file?"  
"Maybe he doesn't have one so Torres didn't note it down."

"Then she should have noted he doesn't have one." Cal passed the folder back behind him and felt her take it out of his grasp. He kept walking to the communal area where Torres, Loker and other employees had work spaces. Loker was taking a satchel off his shoulder. He was in the middle of a sentence but stopped abruptly when Cal strode in. Torres was at her desk, her back to the door and she suddenly stopped laughing at Loker's sombre expression. Cal was talking before she had even started to turn and face him. "Torres, get down to the school and talk to Todd's friends again. I wanna know if he has a girlfriend or if there's someone he's interested in." He turned to find Foster and Reynolds right behind him. "Reynolds, go with Torres, and Fosta, find out if he even showed up for school this mornin'." Cal strode past them again before they had a chance to object to his ordering them around. He didn't really need to tell Gillian what to do but he was on a roll and it had slipped out.

"What do I do?" Loker called after him.

"Stay there," Cal yelled back. This time he wasn't followed around the building and he went back to the lab to watch the footage again, to see if there was something else he was missing now that he knew what he was looking for. Gillian had said it herself just a few moments ago, arson and rape were similar crimes. Todd was out for the power arson gave him. He had taken down two buildings successfully and there was every chance that he was escalating into something more extreme, possibly into hurting someone. Maybe that had been his intention all along.

Within fifteen minutes Foster was back. "He didn't show up to school. Reynolds is on his way to the basketball courts, which is where he found him yesterday."

"He won't be there," Cal said confidently.

"But it's somewhere to start."

"It's a waste of time." Cal heard Gillian take a deep breath behind him. She was probably suppressing a sigh. But then Cal didn't have any better ideas about where Todd would spend his time. It depended on the situation. If he had taken the next step, like they were speculating about, and had a girl in his company, there was every chance he was somewhere completely secluded. There was every chance that they would never find them in time. Then Cal felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

"Relax ok. We don't know where he is, we don't even know if he's been fixating on a girl in particular."

"We're still in the dark, and that doesn't make me feel any betta."

Gillian rubbed his shoulder and then pulled away. "I'll be in my office if you need me."

**PJ**

The video footage had nothing new to offer. Torres called Gillian to tell them there was a particular girl in Todd's class that his friends teased him about having a crush on. She hadn't shown up for school either. Reynolds had contacted her parents and they were certain she left for school that day. Now it was a case of finding out where she could be before assuming she was with Todd. Todd's friends were fully co-operative which meant Cal didn't have anywhere to go or anything to do and he took to pacing. This case was agitating him, there was simply too much unknown, too many uncertainties and not enough for him to do. Loker didn't take his instruction to stay put and went with Gillian to talk to the parents again. The farm was a big place, did Todd have anywhere he went to be alone? That they knew of at least.

Gillian called him back. "There's nothing out here Cal. They're convinced he spends most of his time in the city."

"Does he have his own car?"

"Yes. I've already given Reynolds the details; he's putting out an APB."

"What are you gonna do next?"

"Come back in."

"And Torres?"

"She's making her way back too."

"All right."

"And Cal?"

"Yeah."

"Don't be too hard on her ok?"

Gillian had a way of saying that that actually made Cal take a second to think about the request. "All right," he agreed.

**PJ**

"I hate this waitin' around."

"You have to be patient," Gillian told him gently. "This case isn't about finding the liars; it's about finding a missing girl and a young man with the potential to commit a serious crime. We've done our bit; you have to let the police do their bit."

Cal gave her an unimpressed expression. She might be right but that didn't make him feel better. He was supposed to be working on an article for the _Behavioural Science Journal_ but for some reason Gillian had come to wait with him in his office and if the case hadn't already been a big distraction her presence sure was. Gillian, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any trouble focusing on what she was doing. "What are you workin' on?"

"Psych profile for the Messer case."

Cal nodded. He glanced at the phone on his desk, hoping it would ring. Then he looked over at his cell phone. It hadn't moved. He turned back to his computer screen. The curser blinked at him, taunting, daring him to add more thoughts to the page so it could record them for him forever. "How you doin' anyway?" Cal turned back to Gillian.

"I'm fine," she answered with a tone the mix of curiosity and surprise.

"We don't really talk much anymore."

"No we don't," she agreed in a neutral tone.

Cal studied her face. No signs of hurt, pain, anger, accusation. She really must be fine. Cal gave another nod. "How's the adoption process goin'?"

"Good."

More neutrality, so she didn't want to talk about it, Cal deduced. "Good," he echoed and turned again to the computer screen. At least he had tried. He was slouched low in his chair, his head resting on the back of it. Instead of straightening up, he reached for the computer keyboard and rested it in his lap. He read over the last paragraph and picked up his last train of thought. Cal typed away for twenty minutes before realising Gillian was tapping her pen against the folder she was writing on. It was a rapid fire tattoo that indicated she was preoccupied. Cal glanced over at her. She was staring blankly at a spot on his desk. She was holding the pen in her left hand, the right was still stiff from behind held in a cast for the last six weeks. Cal thought about asking her what was on her mind when her cell phone rang. It was on the corner of Cal's desk and as it chimed it also vibrated, causing it to turn to the right. Gillian pounced on it.

"Yes?" A pause while she listened. "You did. Ok, you need us to come down?" Another pause. Cal watched her carefully but her face was tilted slightly away so it was hard to see her eyes. "Ok." She said it with finality, a sign the conversation was ending. "Thank you." She hung up. Cal looked at her expectantly. She was showing relief now.

"They found them then?"

"Yep, Todd and Meredith were up at the old quarry. There's a natural cave formation he often goes to when he skips school. Reynolds said police found him there with Meredith in the boot of his car."

"So he was planning somethin'?"

"It certainly appears that way."

"They don't want us to come down and talk to him?"

"They've got enough to charge him from Meredith's testimony. Kidnapping probably, and assault."

"But not rape?"

"No, she wasn't sexually assaulted."

Cal gave her an even gaze. "He'll try again."

Gillian gave a very light sigh. "Probably."

"So what do we do about that?"

"What can we do? We have no evidence, just a theory."

"Hope for the best then."

Gillian seemed to think for a second. "I'll make a call to Reynolds; insist our psychiatric assessment be entered for consideration in his case." She was already scrolling through her phone menu.

A little stab of jealousy Cal told to be quiet. He hoped it didn't show on his face. He turned back to the computer screen and blocked out her conversation. He didn't notice the room go quiet.

"Cal?"

"Yeah luv?"

"I'm going to go home now."

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." He glanced up briefly. Gillian was getting to her feet, reaching for her bag. Cal could see down her shirt. He looked away again.

"Are you going home too?"

"I'm gonna finish this," he indicated the computer screen.

"Ok," she said softly.


	24. Chapter 24

_An: The following section was taken from a short fiction written by BeliBali ( ). I felt this scene fit into my general story and I liked it so much, mostly the banter, I am incorporating this short section, with adaptation to fit. BeliBali, I hope you don't mind _

**PJPJPJPJ**

"This is pointless."

"Maybe so, but it's being paid for, so why not let's just enjoy it?"

Cal turned to watch Gillian as they walked along the street. She was wearing a full length coat, black and buttoned up tightly against a cold early summer wind. Her hair had been styled into gentle curves and she was wearing new shoes. Cal was disturbed that he noticed the shoes. She looked beautiful. She always did. He grumbled some more as they entered the restaurant. "… no need to stay in house when we live in the god damn city."

Gillian shushed him gently and he stopped talking abruptly, startled by the gesture. She had never actually shushed him. Told him to shut up a few times but never hissed at him through her teeth. And then he glanced at her again as they stood in the foyer and realised that it was a half hearted gesture. She wasn't really mad at him. "They want everyone attending the conference to stay in the hotel. That's what they want. And if they're paying for it, why not oblige?" She suggested again, coaxingly. She was handling him.

Cal gave a cynical smile to the maitre'd's desk as they waited for the attendant to return. They had overnight bags waiting in the car because they had been invited to dinner with the mayor first. He claimed he wanted to catch up with them and this was a good time, as they had all cleared their schedules to attend the conference for three days. Gillian had agreed on both of their behalves and told Cal about it later. Sometimes that was easier. It was easier to listen to him complain about it rather than have to try and convince him in the first place.

Gillian unbuttoned her coat and slid it from her shoulders. She was wearing a long sleeved black dress that cut low over cleavage, hugged tightly all the way down until it swung loose at her knees. Cal stared. He couldn't help it. She glanced over at him so he quickly peeled his own coat from his body to distract both of them. He felt under dressed next to her in dark trousers and an olive green shirt. Two women sitting in the bar turned to watch them while they continued to stand and wait.

"You have an audience," Gillian told Cal. She stood too far away for anyone to believe they were involved.

"They're probably lookin' at you," Cal mumbled softly. Gillian didn't hear him or else chose not to answer. She said nothing. Cal noticed a man at the nearest table was glancing at Gillian now too, not paying much attention to the blonde woman he sat with.

Cal gave the women at the bar another look. One had dark red hair and was also in a black dress that was far more revealing than the sophisticated number Gillian wore. Her eyes were dark and she sucked on her straw in a way that implied talent in something else. The other woman was bleached blonde, wearing a strapless red number, her ample bust accentuated. She gave Cal a smile and a dip of her head, suggesting demurity. Cal gave a slight smile back, a reaction he didn't put a lot of thought into. Blonde one night stands were his habit. What Cal didn't notice was that Gillian was watching the whole exchange, from a few feet behind him. The red headed woman and the blonde suddenly noticed each other checking Cal out and started glaring in a defensive way.

"Should I go now before they get away?" Gillian asked just loud enough for him to hear.

Cal glanced at her, wondering if he was being a completely insensitive bastard. They weren't together anymore. Technically, he was free to look or take things further. Things were starting to move along. Time was passing. Six months had gone by. When was the right time to move on?

"I'm not interested," Cal told her and knew it was true. His heart was only into flirting with one person. He saw a waiting staff member start to approach where they stood and felt relieved that that person would break the tension. That was until he realised that he and Gillian were going to have to walk right past the bar on the way to their table in the restaurant.

"You look nice by the way," Gillian murmured innocently in his ear, her lips brushing lightly against his skin. It sent a shiver down Cal's spine. He had missed her low intimate voice. He felt her fingers brush against the inside of his hand. The gesture, the whisper, the touch, implied ownership. The women across the room instantly gave demure expressions of apology and went back to perusing the crowded bar, steadfastly refusing to make any more eye contact. Cal had never seen a display quite like that. Gillian usually hung off his arm from the moment they entered a place and no woman gave them a second look.

"I saw that," Cal told her in a low voice. The waiting staff member was getting closer by the second so he spoke quickly. "It doesn't take an expert in body language to know what you just did."

"And what did I do?"

"You just told the room to piss off," he grinned, suddenly amused as he glanced at her too innocent expression. "Thanks."

With a laugh, Gillian smiled warmly. Cal could tell she was in a good mood. "I just wanted to see if I still had it," she responded.

"Believe me luv, you still do," he said it with conviction.

The maitre'd arrived and asked for their name. Gillian gave it and they were led through the restaurant, Cal was correct, right past the bar. The women there turned the other way, avoiding them and he had to chuckle at the effect Gillian had caused. They were seated in a private, quieter area of the restaurant and given menus. Cal noticed the men at the table next to them glance over, study Gillian and turn back to their meals. If Gillian could lay claim on him by whispering in his ear, how did he claim her back? He was too out of practice with this dating thing. He had barely emerged from hibernation for Gillian.

'_Not a date Cal_,' he told himself.

They studied their menus for a while in silence. Cal decided on what he wanted. A waitress arrived to offer them a drink. "Wine?" Gillian suggested.

"You pick," Cal told her.

Gillian swiftly glanced down the wine list and selected a bottle of red. Then they went back to sitting in silence. But it wasn't uncomfortable. A different waiter arrived and poured a sample in Cal's glass. Cal stared at the waiter as he picked the glass up and placed it on Gillian's third of the table. "She's the wine expert," Cal explained to the waiter's surprised expression.

Gillian approved the alcohol and the waiter poured their glasses before setting the bottle in the middle of the table and departing. Gillian gave Cal a smile. "Happy you made him feel small?" She asked lightly.

"Well he shouldn't have assumed," Cal responded.

And yet another waitress arrived. "Doctor Lightman?" She asked Cal.

"Yeah?" He responded.

"I was asked to pass this message on to you."

Cal took the note. The waitress departed and then he read it. The mayor was apologising, but he wasn't going to make it to dinner after all. Cal muttered his displeasure and rolled his eyes. "What?" Gillian asked. She leaned over and snatched the note out of his hand. Cal watched her blue eyes quickly scan over the words. She gave a cynical smile and glanced up to find Cal watching her. "Want to stay or go?"

"They're payin' for it right?"

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a drink at the bar?" She was teasing but not quite as lightly as when they had first entered the building.

"Nah. I don't wanna be anywhere else," Cal answered honestly.

Gillian blushed slightly and went back to looking at her menu. They ordered and sipped wine and made small talk. Food arrived and so did another bottle of wine and conversation turned firmly away from the conference, Emily and other safe topics, to discussions centring more on gossip, something Cal didn't tend to indulge in but was happy to if it meant he got to spend the evening talking with Gillian.

"There's definitely somethin' goin' on there."

"That's ridiculous!" Gillian exclaimed. "She's married."

"Doesn't mean there isn't somethin' goin' on," Cal countered.

"I can't believe you're even suggesting it," Gillian was exasperated. And her words were slurring together ever so slightly. "He's way out of her league. He doesn't even look after himself properly."

"I thought the rugged unshaven student image appealed?"

"Mostly it's a sign of scruffiness."

"I don't always shave," Cal noted, feeling light headed as he spoke. He wondered if his words were slurring too. "Does that make me scruffy? A turn off?" Maybe he needed to re-think his image.

"No, on you it's sexy. On him it's…" she stopped abruptly and blushed furiously while avoiding his eye as she realised what she had said.

Cal laughed. "Sexy? Really?" He asked unperturbed while ignoring her embarrassment.

"In a rugged mature kind of way, yeah," Gillian finished her thought. She almost seemed to challenge him with her expression and Cal did love a challenge.

Laughing some more, Cal looked around the room. "I wonda how many of these women find me sexy." A sharp pain rushed up his leg from his shin. "Ow!" He complained. Gillian smiled smugly. "What'd you do that for?"

"I don't like men checking out other women while they're with me."

"Is that right?" Cal asked incredulously, leaning forward to rub the sharp pain still in his leg. He suddenly realised she was jealous. He could see it now.

"Yeah. It's rude," Gillian told him with a firm nod of her head.

Cal gave a smirk and pulled her chair suddenly closer. He leaned into her feeling alcoholic mischievousness. "All right luv, then I'm not gonna say one word about those blokes who have been watchin' you all evenin', checkin' you out when they think you're not lookin', fantasisin' about slowly removin' that dress." Just like he had spent several hours doing too. "Not only that luv, but I also won't mention how you noticed them too. I won't talk about how you gave them little sideways studies, appraisin' glances and not so subtle attention to certain areas of the male anatomy."

"Cal!" Gillian exclaimed embarrassed, cutting him off.

Leaning back in his chair triumphantly, Cal pointed a finger at her with assurance. "You looked. I saw you. Can't deny it. So, this guy here," Cal jerked a thumb over his shoulder, not caring whether said diner heard them or not. He had walked past them fifteen minutes ago. "Boxas or briefs? What'dya reckon?"

"Oh my god Cal," Gillian blushed again, deeply mortified. She frowned and lowered her voice. "I only looked at passer-by's. I am sitting at eye level! It would be more conspicuous to look up."

"The wait-a? Boxas or briefs?"

Gillian glared at him but Cal was feeling the warm happy buzz of the good part of a bottle of wine in his system and he would not be dissuaded. "Boxers," Gillian muttered in a very low voice.

"Ha!" Cal exclaimed loudly, victorious. "You _were_ lookin'."

Gillian suddenly leaned forward and curled a finger at him, indicating he should do the same and get closer. "Cal, sweetheart, is the woman sitting at the bar behind me wearing _any_ underwear?"

Cal laughed highly amused. "All right. Fair enough. I might have noticed that." He was impressed she had.

Gillian gave him a satisfied but suddenly sad smile and reached for her purse, preparing to get up. The smile disappeared quickly from Cal's face. He reached for her arm to stop her. "Hey, wait a minute. It was just a laugh."

Gillian shrugged his arm away. "I don't want to stand in your way. Take her upstairs. You might be able to turn around an otherwise painful evening."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Cal got to his feet to follow her out. He felt unsteady on his legs.

Gillian reached the edge of the restaurant and stepped into the threshold of the hotel before Cal could catch up to her. It was harder to dodge through an array of tables when he had been drinking. "Goodnight Cal," Gillian told him, turning briefly to say it over her shoulder.

"Wait," Cal reached for her good wrist and held it tightly, preventing her from moving away. "Don't go. It's just a game. You know it's just a game." He had a very desperate need to make her understand that and a terrible feeling of regret. "Let me take you home." He was making the offer to be kind, nothing else implied.

"You're drunk," Gillian pointed out.

"So are you," Cal accused, noticing for the first time that his words _were_ slurring together. They stared at each other for a moment. Cal was still holding her wrist. He tugged it so she had to step toward him and he turned and hurried her across the lobby. They had gone straight from the office to the hotel for that morning's meeting. They had checked in before going home to pack and change clothes. So Cal already had the key card for his room even if his bag was in the boot of his car. He reached the elevators, pushed the button roughly and the doors pinged open instantly on an empty car. He pulled Gillian inside, who was just starting to protest at his actions. He silenced her with a rough kiss before the doors had even fully closed. After that she didn't need much persuasion. She pushed him back against the wall, kissing him without restraint. Her lithe fingers danced down the front of his shirt to his pants. Her tongue teased his mouth expertly. Cal grabbed a handful of her in one hand, and a little bit more in the other. He would have made love to her right there in the elevator given half the chance, but he held on until his hotel room door had clicked shut behind them and then hungrily removed her clothing and slammed them both onto the mattress.

Sleeping with a drunk Gillian was a new experience. He had never seen her drunk, tipsy yeah, and he knew she purposefully rarely got intoxicated because of her father's alcoholism. So to see her drink too much now was an indication that she was not her usual self. But the way she scratched his skin, knocked his head against the wall, slapped his face when he gripped her too roughly, kissed him so hard it almost hurt, and clung to him so desperately confirmed the first fact. She was definitely not her usual self. She had been covering up a world of hurt. But it may or may not have been totally about him. Either way, he knew she was taking her comfort from him. And he didn't care because he was doing exactly the same thing. Cal remembered lying there afterward, feeling guilty as he thought about the monumental walk of shame she was going to have to do the next morning. They were both going to have to do, he corrected. And then he was drifting off to sleep his arm firmly and protectively over her warm sleeping form.

**PJ**

Cal woke feeling groggy as hell and confused about why he felt so bad and then in a clichéd way, all the memories of the night before started to filter in. The back of his throat and tongue tasted terrible and his head pounded lightly. He knew Gillian was gone before he was barely conscious. The bed was cold. He pried open his eyes and got a blurry visual confirmation. He was sprawled in the middle of the bed anyway, there was nowhere for her to be there. His legs were tangled around the bed sheet. One pillow was under his head, the other three were in various positions on the mattress. One was at his feet. The heavier covers were slopped over the side of the bed closest to the bathroom. Cal realised the sheet was barely even covering his hips. He wondered what she had seen when she slipped out that morning. He suddenly panicked and checked the time.

"Shit," he cursed. Half an hour to shower and get ready for the conference. He pulled back the curtains and wished he hadn't. Sun glinted of blindingly off the windows of the building across the street. He groaned and searched the room quickly for his clothes. He showered, brushed his teeth twice, and pulled on the trousers and shirt he had worn last night. He might actually be able to get away with his walk of shame; the only ones who would know would be the waiting staff and Gillian, who had both seen him the night before.

Gillian.

He had forgotten about her for a minute. Would she show up this morning? What was he going to say to her?

Cal straightened the covers on the bed, attempting to make the room seem a little presentable and less like it had been witness to drunken sex. He hated to leave a complete mess for the housekeeping staff. His underwear went in the bin. He wasn't so desperate that he needed to keep them; it wasn't like he had a shortage. And he was not going to walk around all day with them in his pocket. Then he quickly smoothed down his wet hair while he checked his appearance in the mirror, thought about eating some toothpaste to get the taste of red wine out of the back of his throat, and headed downstairs to the conference room. There was a small crowd milling around outside but the doors were open and there were also people taking their seats. Cal checked his watch. Right on time. He couldn't see Gillian in the crowd and when he entered the room he didn't see her already seated. He found a spot in the aisle, perfect for making a quick escape.

"Scoot," a female voice said in his ear a moment after he had settled. He turned to see Gillian leaning toward him. She didn't quite meet his eye. He got up and moved over a seat. She was in a grey pencil cut skirt and white fitted shirt. She was perfectly made up and Cal would have thought nothing of her appearance except he recognised the dark smudges under her eyes and knew the reason why she refused to look directly at him. When had she the time to get her things? And get to her own room, shower and dress? He expected her to tease him about wearing the same shirt or for looking like he had just stepped out of the shower but she kept her eyes ahead and didn't make small talk. Cal watched her for awhile; she would have felt his eyes on her face, but she resisted the urge to turn to look at him. Then the conference started.


	25. Chapter 25

Cal looked up from his desk to see the person entering his office was Gillian. She was wearing a light grey tunic-styled dress. She gave him a bright smile. "Happy birthday Cal," she said by way of greeting. The way she smiled was infections: cheeks bunched in a genuine grin, blue eyes bright, kissable lips pulled back over neat even teeth, and Cal found himself mirroring it. He got up from behind his office desk. Gillian produced a bunch of flowers from behind her back. They were a mix of red gerberas, white daisies and yellow sunflowers. Cal liked flowers that were bright and had conventional shaped petals. Gillian was one of the few people that knew Cal actually liked being given flowers. "Tradition right?" She felt the need to explain; Cal could see a hint of anxiety in her demeanour.

Cal took them. "They're beautiful luv. Thank you."

Gillian hovered, so Cal made more conversation, giving her the chance to feel comfortable enough to say what was on her mind. "I should get a vase."

"You talk to Emily today?"

"Yeah she sent me a text this mornin'."

"Are you having dinner later?"

"Yeah she's gonna come by afta school."

"That's nice," Gillian noted with another smile. She raised her chin slightly, a sign she was building confidence but she kept her tone purposefully light. "I was wondering if you wanted to go for lunch later?"

"Yeah I'd like that luv," Cal answered genuinely. He placed the flowers carefully on the corner of his desk. When he glanced up again Gillian stepped forward and kissed him. A simple pressing of lips against lips.

"Happy birthday Cal," she said softly in his ear before she pulled away and strode out of his office.

Cal felt a pleasant warm sensation spread out from his heart. He smiled and turned back to the flowers. He could smell them already. He was actually feeling good for once.

**PJ**

"Did you want to go somewhere in particular?" Gillian asked pulling her light cardigan on awkwardly over her arm. It was still slightly stiff from the six weeks in a cast and there were a few sessions of physio to still attend.

"I didn't have anythin' particula in mind. Did you?" Cal reached to readjust her collar for her. His fingers brushed inadvertently against her neck. Her cheeks turned a little red and he chastised himself for being too familiar, too intimate, too soon. Despite that drunken soiree in the hotel last month, they were doing much better. They were past the weird silences now. In fact they had seemed to have reached a level of comfort that meant they could do things like this, have lunch, be in the same room, be alone together, be friends. Kiss. But he didn't want to push it because he wasn't sure their new tentative relationship could withstand much more than a gentle trickle of affection. The flood gates of his heart still threatened to burst open and wreak havoc on his psyche. He was keeping them at bay with hasty repairs, plugging up the holes when a damp patch appeared. In fact, lunch was a big step for them. They hadn't had a purely social interaction since that night in the hotel. They had gone back to avoidance. Then gradually and rapidly made their way back to how they were now, like the hotel had never even happened.

"No, but considering it's such a beautiful day, why don't we get something from the cart downstairs and sit in the square?"

"Sounds perfect."

Gillian smiled and led the way out.

If Cal didn't think about it, the pain in his chest left him alone. He wasn't sure it had disappeared but it had certainly dissipated a little, at least to the background. Enough for him to be able to ignore sometimes. It was an amazingly sunny day with a clear blue sky but the summer breeze still made the air feel cold; summer was weak this year. Cal watched Gillian huddle a little more into herself as they sat but knew she wouldn't complain about the temperature. She needed sunshine to feed her soul like she needed sugar to feed her sweet tooth.

"Mm," Gillian indicated she was going to talk before swallowing her mouthful. Cal waited patiently for her to continue. "I forgot to tell you Jane ran away."

"She what?" Cal asked surprised.

"Yeah she was old, it was time."

"You think she ran away to die?"

"Probably. I talked to the neighbours but they haven't seen her."

"When did she go?"

"A few weeks ago now."

When they were barely functioning and these trivial comfortable conversations weren't happening.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Are you thinkin' of a replacement?"

Gillian smiled warmly. "I'm still picking the ginger hair out of the couch."

Cal grinned. "I'm still pickin' it off my clothes."

Gillian laughed. "Maybe something without fur."

"Fish?"

"You can't cuddle fish."

And Gillian's cuddles were divine.

"Well you could," Cal countered to distract himself. "But you'd probably suffocate them."

Gillian laughed at the double meaning.

**PJ**

Cal knocked on Gillian's office door and stuck his head through the open frame. Gillian looked up expectantly and then smiled when she recognised him. Cal entered the room. "This is for you."

"What is it?" Gillian asked mildly curious as she took it from him.

"That report."

"Oh, good," Gillian cut him off and opened the folder to glance through it.

Cal made a show of looking at his watch. "Are you havin' lunch today? It's not like you to skip a meal."

"I don't want to leave," Gillian answered looking up at him. The fact that he was keeping tabs on her whereabouts was not lost on her.

Cal took a seat. "What does that mean?"

"I'm waiting for a call."

He pried. "From who?"

"The adoption agency."

Cal hesitated. "Ah." Another pause. "About?" He implied more with his questioning expression.

"Yeah," Gillian confirmed.

Cal nodded with raised eyebrows, a sign of encouragement. Then he got up and left without saying anything else. He came back fifteen minutes later with two wrapped sandwiches and a chocolate chip muffin from the store across the street.

"What's this?" Gillian asked surprised when he handed the food over.

"Lunch," Cal said, as if it were obvious.

"Thanks," Gillian said genuinely pleased at the thoughtfulness. She ate the top off of the muffin first and there was a moment of comfortable silence. Cal was glad he had barged in. He was glad they had comfortable silences. "This is good."

"Yeah I seem to recall you like their muffins."

"I meant the report," Gillian responded with a gleeful smile.

"Oh that," Cal dismissed.

"No it's good. Especially this bit here," she flipped back a page and scanned for the section she wanted to read to him, using her index finger as a guide. Cal took another bite of his sandwich, waiting patiently for her to get to the point. The phone on her desk rang suddenly. They both stared at it startled. Gillian looked at Cal alarmed.

Cal got up and swallowed. "Let me know all right?"

Gillian nodded mutely. She brushed the muffin crumbs from her fingers, composed herself and reached for the phone as Cal walked away. He felt as nervous as she looked.

**PJ**

An hour went by and Cal found himself pacing in his office. It was accidental though. He had headed for the door, sure that Gillian would have finished the conversation on the phone by now. But then he realised he could be wrong and went to his desk again, before deciding that he could just go and check to see if she was off the phone. He headed for the door, then realised that he was butting his nose into her business. So he made his way back to his desk. Then he told himself that he was just trying to be supportive and they had some sort of friendship relationship, even if the lines on it were very blurry at the moment, and all he was trying to do was be a good friend. So, convinced and intensely curious, he headed down the hallway, firm in his decision and ready to back away if she was busy or indicated that she didn't want him involved.

Gillian's chair was turned so it's back was to the door, the position she put it in when she literally didn't want to face anyone and Cal knew immediately that she was upset, which meant the phone call must have been bad news. His heart sank as he opened the door and walked in. Gillian took a second to turn around to see who it was and by the time she did that, Cal was already around the desk and the door had clicked gently shut behind him. She seemed startled to see him initially, but she didn't protest when he gently took her hands that had just wiped her cheeks, pulled her to her feet and immediately into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair, not requiring her to say anything. Everything he needed to know was in the expression on her face; the tears, the red cheeks, the rejection and sorrow. He held her tightly, rubbing the middle of her back gently with his palm.

Gillian didn't sob. She didn't make a sound as she put her arms around his shoulders and held on tightly enough. Eventually she pulled away and he could see she had really been crying; her eyes were redder and so was the tip of her nose. Cal reached absently for the tissue box and held it out for her. She didn't make a move towards taking any. "What happened?" He asked softly, taking two tissues and folding them in half. He wiped her cheeks gently. Gillian took a few tissues herself and blew her nose. They both turned at the sound of the door. "Get out now," Cal told Ria softly.

"Everything ok?" Ria asked with extreme concern.

"Leave," Cal told her again with a bit more force.

"Ok," Ria backed up.

Cal turned back to Gillian who had taken that opportunity to step away from him. She was wiping her eyes now too. "What happened luv?" Cal asked her.

"This isn't really the place to talk about it," Gillian answered in a hollow voice.

"Damn it Gillian!" Cal exclaimed feeling a surge of emotion rush up from his diaphragm. He threw the tissue box down on the desk as he said her name. It clattered into the computer keyboard and skidded to a halt in front of the white framed monitor. "Stop bein' evasive and tell me. What did they say?"

Gillian looked startled for a second. She let the tissues in her hand drop into the trash can at her feet. She gave a sigh and looked at him defiantly. "Too old."

"What?"

"I can't offer enough time Cal."

"That's such a load of bollocks!" Cal said vehemently.

"I'd be nearly fifty by the time the kid started school."

This was starting to sound like his argument. "So?"

Gillian implored him with her watery eyes and didn't respond. She wanted him to stop. She didn't want to have to justify the decision to him. It still stung. Actually, it hurt like hell. She had let her hopes get up, despite herself, and now they had been crushed down.

"That's such… You can get a second opinion though right? I mean, there are otha agencies out there right?"

"Cal."

"No," Cal said firmly. "You can't just give up on this."

"I'm not giving up; I'm just accepting that it's not meant to be."

"Well I don't accept that!"

"_You_ don't get a choice," Gillian told him callously.

Cal looked stunned. Then he seemed flustered. Then he seemed to calm himself down.

"I'm going to go home," Gillian told him quietly. "Will you be ok?"

"I should be askin' you that."

"I meant with work."

"Yeah we'll be fine," Cal answered quickly. He was hurt too. By the agency's answer, by her response, by the way it pained him so much to be reminded that he wasn't part of her life anymore. Not in that way.

He moved towards her office door and Gillian brought her purse to the desk to put in her phone. "Hey Gill," Cal called gently to her from the doorway. She kept her head down for a second before looking up to make eye contact. Cal held her gaze for a long moment. "I really am sorry luv."

When he had gone, Gillian started crying again.

**PJ**

"You off home?"

"Sort of," Gillian answered while she was still crossing his office floor. "What about you?"

"In a minute."

Gillian hovered. Cal glanced up again with expectant eyebrows. "I have to tell you something."

"All right," Cal agreed slowly, cautiously. She looked nervous, like she was hiding something.

"And I only want to tell you so that you hear it from me and not because of some rumour from someone around here."

Cal started to feel suspicious. He felt his facial muscles harden. He forced his arm to lower the pen in his hand to the page; the movement a release of tension.

"I, um," Gillian paused. She stared down at the top of his desk. "I have a date." She looked up to read his expression but it remained hardened and neutral. There was no reaction. He didn't move or even blink. There was a good chance he wasn't even breathing but she couldn't be certain from this far away.

"When is it?"

"Tonight."

Ok, so she had the guts to tell him, just not enough to tell him with any advanced warning. In fact, she had spent most of the week trying to work up the courage, trying to find a way where she wouldn't hurt his feelings too badly, a way where she wouldn't feel so guilty.

Cal stared at her for a moment. "Well, have a good night," he offered, his tone hardened, the only indication that he was bothered.

"Thank you," Gillian responded holding his gaze, following his lead with the pleasantries. There was still no reaction from him, not even a flicker of his eyelids. It was almost like he had turned to stone. His eyes were cold. She couldn't read a thing off of him. The air in the room got suddenly thick and tense. "Goodnight Cal."

"Good night _Fosta_."

Gillian cringed and covered the movement by turning to the door and immediately beginning to walk away. Foster. Not even her maiden name. He had stopped using her married name when they had been together. It had been nice, more intimate when he called her 'Gill'. And now Foster was back in _that_ tone of voice. Did he know it hurt her? Is that why he did it? Or was that just his way of coping? And why all of a sudden could she not read him anymore? Was she losing her touch? No, she answered herself, he was purposefully closing her out again, creating more distance between them to cover his hurt. And they had been doing so well in the last few weeks.

She wasn't even _trying_ to get over Cal, not really, by going on this date. Robert had asked her out over a month ago and she had turned him down; she had still been stinging from the adoption rejection. But then she kept bumping into him at the store and he was always pleasant, not so bad to look at, friendly and nice. He was nice to her and tried to be close to her. And she missed that so much from Cal, who kept pulling away, that she took a chance and agreed to dinner after a third request. Plus, after the conference incident of a few months ago, it seemed like a better idea. A bit more distance. A bit more of a deterrent. A re-defining of the boundaries. Her sister-in-law Kate kept telling her how great she was doing, how well she seemed to be doing in moving on from Cal, that she had started to believe it. That's why she had said yes. If she was getting over Cal she had to get back on the horse right?

If she was getting over Cal...

She wasn't trying to hurt Cal. She had told him she didn't want for him to hear it from someone else and she meant that. In their work place, there were no secrets, very little was completely personal, everyone saw everything. And that meant there was a good chance they would hear about Robert and they would talk and that meant that Cal could have potentially heard at some point and she knew he would be so much more destroyed if he had overheard something. And she really didn't want that. He would expect her to have the decency to tell him to his face.

**PJ**

"Do you not like your food?" Robert asked with a half hearted smile. He had medium brown hair, cut short and tidy, and blue eyes. He had a strong jaw, a straight nose, and was attractive but not in a way Gillian found interesting. He had been doing most of the talking. It wasn't hard to see Gillian's head wasn't in the evening. She didn't realise she was playing with her food and not really eating it. She wasn't very hungry but that didn't often discourage her from a meal in a restaurant. She had been concentrating on what he was saying, trying to focus. Focusing so hard she wasn't paying attention at all. She looked at her plate of messed up food and put the fork down on the edge of it.

"No, it's not that. The food's fine."

Robert gave her a concerned expression. "Are you ok?"

"No," Gillian answered honestly with a slight shake of her head. "I really can't do this right now. I'm so sorry Robert." His face fell. "It's me. I'm not ready for this. I just came out of…" _The best relationship of my life with the one man I have only ever really, truly, deeply loved._ "…An intense relationship. I thought I was ready but I'm just not. I'm so sorry. It's not fair to you."

Robert gave her a sympathetic smile. "Would you like me to take you home?"

"Please, I would really appreciate that."

"I can't talk you into dessert?"

Tempting.

"No. I really am sorry Robert. I had no intention to lead you on."

"That's ok," Robert gave her a forced smile. She saw the slight shrug of his right shoulder and knew that he was just being polite. At this stage, she wasn't thinking about sparing his feelings, she just wanted to get out of there.

Robert indicated to the waiter that they wanted to leave. He paid. He helped her with her wrap. He opened the car door for her but she knew none of it was genuine anymore. He offered to walk her to her door, a half-hearted gesture, but she politely refused and escaped from the car, thanking him courteously for the evening. He gave a casual wave as he drove off and Gillian returned the gesture. She turned towards the house and looked up at the darkened front door. Her stomach felt jittery. An idea was on the edge of her mind. She stood for a while on the front step thinking, the house door key poised in her hand.

Instead of going inside Gillian got into her car.

**PJ**

"Are you alone?"

"Yeah," Cal stepped aside to let her in.

His house was warm. "Where's Emily?"

"She's stayin' over at Rick's."

"That's a big step," Gillian noted impressed while feeling disappointed. When had that happened? She was missing out.

"Yeah well, she's half way to eighteen and she'll be off to college in a year so I'm tryin' to let go," Cal explained giving a shoving motion with both of his hands. Gillian noted he didn't invite her further into the house, even if he had shut the front door behind her. "What are you doin' here anyway? I thought you had a date."

"It ended early."

Cal looked cynically delighted. "Why, was he a terrible convasationalist?"

"No," Gillian answered lightly. She didn't want to talk about her date. That wasn't why she was there. Cal must have seen something else in her expression because he dropped the mocking demeanour and suddenly looked interested. He got closer, tilting his head to the side in the way he did when he had the scent of blood. Gillian fought the urge to back up. There was nowhere to go but into the hallway wall.

"No?" Cal answered himself. "Was the food terrible?" He barely paused. "Was it the restaurant? No?" He continued to read her. "Was the company bad?"

"Cal," Gillian cut in, warning him in a carefully guarded tone.

Cal almost laughed. He got closer and quickly continued, ignoring her. "Why was that luv? Did somethin' happen? Did he try somethin' with you?"

"Remember the line?" Gillian finally cut him off annoyed. It had been a long time since she had been on the end of his interrogations. She didn't like it when he was being antagonistic.

"Which one?" Cal challenged.

"Pick one and don't cross it," Gillian told him off.

Cal sniggered and took a few steps away from her. "What do you want anyway? Why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, it's late," Cal told her bluntly. "I don't feel like talkin'." He over enunciated, a sign he was annoyed.

"Fine," Gillian replied even more irritated by his tone. They wouldn't talk then. She stepped towards him, taking his face in her hands and kissed him. He didn't react so she repositioned her lips against his and kissed him again. She put her arm around his shoulder, the other hand in the hair at the back of his head. She couldn't help herself. He smelt good, he tasted good and he felt good under her fingers. Even if he felt nothing, she did. She was tired of pretending that she didn't, that she was ok with them being apart. She pressed her body against his, giving in to the rush of emotions in her stomach and head, and found him kissing her back, tentatively. His arms wrapped around her back. And then they were suddenly kissing quite passionately. Gillian dropped her purse. She could feel her cheeks flush from the warmth of his body, the warmth of his lips. She realised she had been holding her breath and was starting to run out of air and pulled away. Cal's expression was a mixture of surprise and desire.

"What was that?"

"That was a really good kiss," Gillian said breathlessly. She could feel her lips tingle and his hands warm in their embrace.

"But what does it mean?" Cal asked pointedly.

"I went on that date tonight and realised that I don't want anyone else Cal. I just can't do it. I thought I could get over you but I can't get you out of my head. I can't seem to move on. And I realised, I don't want to."

Cal looked bewildered. Gillian ploughed on now that she had his attention. "I need you. I need you in my life."

"I am in your life," he cut in snidely.

"Not in that way. It's not enough," Gillian told him forcefully. Cal looked surprised and impressed. "In England, you told me you needed me. Unglamorous, but true. I need you the same way Cal. I love you," she implored him with her eyes. "Please. Tell me you love me."

Cal looked suddenly sad. His grip on her back loosened slightly and he resignedly admitted: "I do love you."

A stab of excitement rippled up from Gillian's stomach to her heart, which started to beat wildly. What those words from his lips did to her... "Will you forgive me?"

"What for?" Cal asked alarmed.

"For ending it."

"I ended it."

"No you didn't."

"Yeah I did."

"No," Gillian cut him off. "_I_ said that it was over."

"Only because I'd already made that decision."

"Because I put you in an impossible position. I forced your hand."

"No, I revealed my cards."

"Can we drop the poker analogies? It cuts a little close to home."

Cal looked agitated. He didn't seem to have heard her last comment. "I can't believe you're takin' responsibility for this…"

"This isn't your fault Cal."

"I don't care whose fault it is! I wanna know what we're doin' here right now!"

"Is it not obvious enough for you?" Gillian retorted with an exasperated narrowing of her eyes.

Cal looked as though he wanted to argue some more, "God you infuriate the crap out of me!"

Gillian's expression darkened to tell him to screw himself when he leaned forward and kissed her again. His lips were hard against hers, his hands, suddenly firm again, were hot on her back, pulling her in tightly. She kissed him back, feeling her stomach set on edge, responding immediately. She had missed how his body felt against hers. She had missed the full impact of how he made her feel inside. He backed her into the wall, kissing her more passionately, hungrily. She reached for his shirt as his hands slipped the straps of her dress from her shoulders. "Gillian," he murmured against her neck, his London accent thick with emotion. "Gillian I do love you."

"Oh Cal," she murmured against his ear, a reaction to his lips on her skin.


	26. Chapter 26

Cal's bedroom. Gillian had never actually seen inside it. Not this one and not in any detail either. Aside from when she'd had the car accident. But she hadn't exactly been paying attention to her surroundings. She had been curious though, about his bedroom. She had always only seen glimpses from the hallway as she walked by. She had been to his house on a few occasions over the last six months, but had never made it past the living room. Not this time though. The hallway had literally led to the bedroom. This room wasn't free from the little cultural statuettes from his world travels. They had found their way in and sat on his dresser, on a shelf and the little table under the window that was also surprisingly home to a pot plant, which was alive, thriving. He had admitted to her that Emily had unpacked all the boxes. She wondered if Emily had also brought the plant and watered it.

The walls were light grey; one was painted a very dark shade, masquerading as a feature wall. Cal hadn't shown it any favours. There were no pictures hanging on the walls. He used to have a TV in his bedroom before they had moved in together but he didn't have one now. He used to have a few pieces of art here and there but Gillian was yet to locate them. In fact, the room seemed horrendously sterile. Only the plant brought any signs of life. Everything was tidy, just as Cal had always been, but in some ways it was too tidy, like the room wasn't lived in at all. The dresser was almost bare, only Cal's watch and wallet resting on top next to a hair brush, a photo of Emily and a little wooden, carved figurine. The bed, dresser, bedside cabinet, and table under the window were the only furnishings. There was so much floor space the small room actually seemed bigger than it really was. The statuettes from cultures around the world almost seemed out of place here. Cal was a guy, sure, and not prone to having trinkets but he did collect mementos and they were all gone. Their absence was loud in a very minimal room.

Gillian was lying against Cal's shoulder, her arm over his torso. His arm was wrapped around her, the other placed affectionately over her wrist which was rested on his stomach, rising and falling with each gentle breath. They were just lying there, warm, and neither daring to say anything that could potentially break the moment. For Gillian it was peaceful, calming, the chaos in her life soothed again by being with Cal. Everything was finally quiet enough to hear her own heart beating. She was sleepy and dozing even though she knew they should be talking. She hadn't exactly planned on coming over and falling straight into bed with him. Although that _had_ been on the cards somewhere down the line. She kept telling herself they had plenty of time to talk. All weekend to fill in the gaps of the months they had endured apart. But Cal was savouring the moment because he feared that in the morning she would be gone again, like last time. The aching in his chest had not abated, not even with her lying so close to him. If anything, it felt worse. This was a fix; a temporary high he couldn't quite enjoy for fear of the come down.

**PJ**

Cal slipped out of bed, restless, the feeling of dread still in his stomach. The sun was starting to come up and getting out of bed before Gillian meant he could stall her departure just a little bit. She had a habit of rising before him. He pulled on loose boxer shorts that normally served as his summer pyjamas and a t-shirt and went through to the kitchen. He moved slowly, giving Gillian time to wake up, making coffee first and then busying himself with making breakfast. He started with assembling ingredients for scrambled eggs, then absently sliced fruit until he had a little assortment on a plate, because it kept his hands occupied while his mind betrayed his heart. Every doubt came floating to the surface and he tried his best to ignore every one of them too. All that managed to get through were stray thoughts: Gillian was upset last night, they argued a lot of the time, he should walk away now while he was still mostly detached from her, he wasn't there for her, would it be weird when she came in, how was he meant to _feel_ about all of this? But he couldn't shift the feeling in his heart that he was just going to have to say goodbye to her all over again. And that really hurt. God it hurt. More than anything else he had ever experienced. It hurt in a way his mother's sudden death hadn't. It hurt in a way Zoe leaving him should have. He wasn't sure he could cope with that again. He wasn't sure he could go back to seeing her every day and pretending they were nothing more than friends...

"I thought you had snuck out on me," Gillian noted as she came into the kitchen. She was wearing the shirt he had had on last night. It was long enough to cover her rear end, but not much else. Her blue eyes were bright and sharp. Her hair was sex and pillow tousled.

Cal expected to feel something seeing her now but there wasn't anything. Just that weird numbing pain in his chest. All his feelings seemed to have deserted him. He watched her impassively. "Good mornin'."

Gillian seemed to hesitate for a second where she stood while a flicker of doubt crossed her features. "Good morning," she echoed.

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, starving," Gillian took a seat at the breakfast bar. She remembered she hadn't actually eaten any dinner the night before. Then she watched Cal carefully as he went to the fridge, trying to gauge how he was feeling. She wanted to feel the joy she had felt last night when they were lying together but his demeanour scared her. He handed over a plate of fruit wordlessly. "How did you sleep?" She asked mundanely and then felt like a moron. This is not how she envisioned this morning going. She was confused. Why weren't there bluebirds in the window, a soft swell of strings in the background and silly, warm gooey smiles?

"Yeah fine," Cal answered politely. He hadn't actually slept much at all but Gillian had clearly not noticed that. "You?"

"I slept really well."

"That's good." He knew that already because he had watched her most of the night. She slept like the dead, barely even moving. Cal had figured she was either dog tired or was entirely relaxed. Probably both.

Gillian placed a piece of melon in her mouth. She concentrated on the plate of fruit, which had been arranged in a pinwheel pattern, but could feel Cal's eyes steadily on her. The feeling of dread got stronger and stronger, like she was about to drive off a cliff. This was wrong! They should have talked last night. Her mind started to panic. He was going to burst her bubble! She had to do something.

"Are you having some?" Gillian looked up at him. Get him talking; that might lead to something.

Cal watched her blue eyes carefully. The question was innocent but she was hiding another emotion underneath. He shook his head. "Do you want eggs?"

"What's going on?" Gillian blurted.

Good skills.

Cal raised his eyebrows in surprise but his heart didn't even flinch. He felt like he was in a daze. Maybe from the lack of sleep. "I'm offerin' you breakfast?"

"This is seriously how it's going to be?"

Cal was startled by her vehemence, and didn't answer.

"You're just going to offer me breakfast?" Gillian accused, hesitating over every word so the question came out stilted and emotional.

"What do you want me to do?" Cal asked gently but with a challenging tone.

Gillian was bewildered. "I don't know. Talk to me."

"About what?"

"How you're feeling?"

"Tell me what you want me to say! Because I have no idea," Cal told her passionately. "I have no idea what I'm supposed to be thinkin', or doin', or how I'm feelin' or meant to be behavin'. I have neva felt this way, eva, about anyone and I have neva felt this much pain! It's like my whole body has become addicted to you and I have to go cold turkey and yet see you every day. Do you have any idea what that's like?"

"No," Gillian answered in a breath. She was stunned.

Cal continued. "When I broke up with Zoe you were there. I turned to you. And now that we're not togetha who do I turn to? I've got no one and nothin'! And I have _no_ idea what to do with myself."

Gillian continued to stare at him, astounded that he had been carrying all of this around with him for six months and she had not known about it. He was right of course, when you broke up with your best friend, who else was there to turn to? She had wondered the exact same thing.

"Tell me what to do," Cal pleaded with his eyes. "Tell me. What do I do with myself now? What do we do now?"

Tears actually welled up in Gillian's eyes. She tried to blink them away but she couldn't. Her heart ached for him. She had been upset as well when they broke up. She had hurt too. But she had never fully understood the pain she had seen in his eyes this whole time. She had seen it but it had not quite registered. Maybe she didn't really want to see it. He had been in agony, hurting in a way unimaginable to her and she was only just seeing that now. Because he was pointing it out to her.

"Cal," she whispered. "I'm sorry." She almost choked on the words, her throat was so tight. The tears spilled onto her cheeks. She felt terrible.

Cal walked around the breakfast bar to wipe them away tenderly. He put an arm around her shoulders. "Here, it's all right luv."

"I can't believe you're comforting me right now," she wiped angrily at the tears on her cheeks with her fingers and then tried drying them by smearing them on the shirt she was wearing.

"I hate to see you upset," Cal told her gently. A thought sparked in the back of his mind.

"I know and I love that about you."

Cal's expression hardened slightly, his hand hesitated for a split second. Gillian could see his jaw flex. She let Cal wipe the tears from her cheek and jaw and then took his hand reassuringly. She met his eye and spoke softly. "I don't think you heard me last night."

Cal's expression turned to mildly curious.

"I can't do without you either."

"No, I heard you last night," Cal revealed softly. This was the crux of it and he felt nervous now they were discussing it. "But I don't know where to go from here. Do we just pick up where we left off? Carry on like nothin' happened?"

"I wish we could. I wish the last six months had never happened."

"Don't say that. Don't regret it, othawise all of it was for nothin'. And knowin' that just might kill me."

"I regret that I hurt you so much. I never realised…" more tears stopped her from talking. Her throat constricted painfully.

Cal pulled her into a hug. He stroked her hair. "Don't do that. I made my decision too."

"I knew Cal," Gillian said softly. "I knew what would happen."

"Shh," Cal cut her off. "Please don't."

They were silent in each other's embrace for a moment, Cal standing next to the chair where Gillian sat, their arms around each other. Gillian's head was against his chest and she could hear his heart beating steadily through the light cotton of his grey t-shirt. It was comforting, solid, steady, dependable; just like Cal was to her. Gillian pulled away and looked up at him. Cal brushed the tears on her cheeks gently away. "How about we take it as it comes?"

**PJ**

When Gillian woke the next morning she could sense Cal was lying close to her, even with her eyes closed, but a lack of rhythmic breathing told her he was already awake. "Don't watch me sleep," she told him off lightly, guessing that was what he was doing. He was too still.

"I like to," Cal answered softly from nearby. Gillian smiled. She was right. She shifted the arm she had been lying on and then repositioned her head.

Cal watched her sleep because he could take the time to marvel that she was there and savour her presence. His head still couldn't seem to get around the fact that she was back. He was still waiting to wake up from the dream. His outburst a few days ago had placed him in a vulnerable position he had never put himself in with anyone. Gillian was walking on eggshells now and he could still see the glimmers of guilt. They stabbed at him every time. He shouldn't have told her anything about it. He should have just pretended that he was ok.

"What time is it?" Gillian asked sleepily.

"Seven fifteen," Cal answered. He happened to have checked the clock a few minutes ago.

Gillian's blue eyes flew open. "Why didn't you wake me up?" She admonished while sitting. "I have to go home and get changed."

Cal smirked. It had been a pretty good weekend in the end, made better by the fact that they hadn't left the house. Gillian still only had the clothes with her that she had worn the previous Friday night while on her date. It would be a monumental walk of shame on her part to also wear them to the office. "I warned you about comin' ova without a change of clothes."

"I wasn't exactly planning that far ahead," Gillian retorted, shooting him a glare over her shoulder. She threw back the covers and slipped from the bed. She was wearing one of his t-shirts now and a pair of the boxer shorts he used as pyjama bottoms. She had pulled the drawstring out fully and tied them in a firm knot last night. Cal had wondered if that was to stop them falling down or to keep him out. It didn't stop them from fooling around some. Gillian crossed the room and pulled back the curtains. It was a brilliantly sunny day, and like always, Cal noted, she immediately seemed to be in a better mood.

"What exactly do you plan to wear home?" Cal asked amused.

"Well not _this_ obviously," Gillian told him. She hunted around the room for her clothes. If they had thought it through properly, they could have had them washed and clean for her use by this morning. But they had kind of been distracted with connecting physically and emotionally; there were six months to make up for. She stripped her body a half at a time. She wasn't wearing underwear at all and Cal admired her figure from his pillows, noting how beautiful and slender her body was, still feeling awed. When she had finished dressing and the show was over, Cal got out of bed.

Gillian's shoes were in the kitchen and her purse was on the table there. Cal followed behind her silently as she padded around his house. "Do you want breakfast first?" Cal asked.

"I don't have time honey, I gotta go."

Cal nodded.

"Which is your own fault for not waking me up earlier," Gillian checked the clock on the stove.

"It was worth it," Cal told her.

Gillian stopped packing her purse and gave him a smile. Then she approached where he stood. She ran her hands slowly up from the front of his bare chest, over his shoulders and down his back, as she moved forward into a kiss. "I'll see you at work ok?"

"All right luv," Cal answered quietly.

Gillian gave his face a study and then a smile. She kissed him briefly again, turned to her purse and walked around him. It was actually hard to leave.

**PJ**

Cal wouldn't call it a staff meeting, more like the delegation of cases for the week. He sat with Loker and Torres, in the AV room of all places, with the stack of potential cases in front of him on the desk. He was scanning through one to see if it was interesting. If it wasn't, then it was Gillian's. Loker was watching a video feed and Torres picked at a fingernail. They weren't exactly waiting for Gillian but they hadn't quite started yet. The usual practice had involved himself or Gillian picking and choosing cases, and taking the others along for research and help. Now, because he had taken on that bank loan to buy Zoe out, they took any case that paid. So the case load had increased and now it came down to divvying up the cases. If they carried on at this rate, they would soon be able to return to their old ways. And Cal was looking forward to that because he still had to drop everything to make any FBI cases his priority.

"Good morning," Gillian greeted breezing into the room.

Torres and Loker acknowledged her. Cal looked at his watch. She was only fifteen minutes late, considering. Gillian took a seat next to him; Cal caught a wiff of her perfume as she went by.

"You guys have a good weekend?" Gillian made conversation.

"Mm," Loker answered absently.

Gillian gave the back of his head an unimpressed expression and turned to Ria with raised questioning eyebrows.

"It was fine," Torres answered nonchalantly. "Nothing interesting. How was your date on Friday?" She asked, swivelling her chair to face the older woman.

"It was terrible," Gillian answered lightly then she glanced sideways at Cal as a smile descended on her lips. Cal watched her impassively. What a give away!

Torres looked quickly from Gillian to Cal. "Did something happen with you two?" She suddenly accused. Gillian immediately looked busted, her eyes glancing down. Cal hardened his expression. Loker turned, surprised and suddenly interest, away from the video screen to see what was going on.

"Something did," Torres answered herself with a delighted expression. "Are you guys back together?"

"We're workin' on it," Cal finally reacted. Gillian just grinned.


	27. Chapter 27

"For a psychologist and a smart woman you can be pretty dumb."

"Thanks a lot," Gillian responded affronted.

Casey smiled at her. "No offence honey."

Gillian gave her an unimpressed expression. "It's always easier to see everybody else's problems clearly."

"And we're trained to do that," Casey pointed out. "Did you really think everything would just fall back into place though? You were apart for six months. He kind of tried to move on."

"I didn't naively think we'd pick up exactly where we left off but I thought there'd still be, I don't know," Gillian mused for a moment. "We're just not connecting like we used to."

"And that's his fault?"

"He's different," Gillian answered quickly, making up her mind to say _what_ was on her mind. She had thought about this a lot. She had honestly looked at herself and tried to take some responsibility but she had come to the conclusion that this was about Cal, not her. Something was going on with him. Something else.

"Is he drinking?"

"No!" Gillian exclaimed astonished. "Cal's not a drinker." Well, back in his heyday he had been a drinker but not so much anymore.

"Drugs?"

Gillian narrowed her eyes at one of her oldest friends. They had gone to college together but now they were in different fields. Casey practiced psychology through Washington Memorial Hospital. And Gillian had somehow found herself ending up in lie detection.

"I'm just saying, you had one guy like that. Maybe you're starting a collection? We often repeat our own mistakes even with the best of intentions."

"At least give me a little credit," Gillian told her annoyed.

"Ok, ok, we're getting sidetracked," Casey cut in abruptly, waving her hand dismissively, changing the subject as though she was not the one aggravating it in the first place. "How is he different?"

"He's…" Gillian thought. How did she explain that when she kissed him he would just stand there? That he never reached for her hand anymore. That there wasn't any warmth in his smile, hell, that he rarely smiled anymore. That he almost seemed disinterested. God, what if he wasn't interested anymore? Had she totally misread the situation?

Kate was watching the exchange concerned and finally piped up from the opposite side of the table. "He still loves you though right? You can _see_ that right?"

"Yeah I can see that," Gillian answered softly while she thought. No, she knew Cal loved her that was not the problem. It was that he wasn't showing her that anymore and she didn't understand why.

"Thank god," Kate sounded relieved. Gillian gave her a curious expression. "Don't get me wrong, I love your brother, but I'm not _in_ love with him. It's become comfortable. I would give anything to have the kind of love you have with Cal."

Gillian's expression turned to surprise. In the corner, Casey nodded. "Yeah I've seen you guys together, even if I have only met Cal once."

It was an admonishment that Gillian ignored. "What are you talking about?" She asked Kate. "You do love Matthew?"

"I love your bother, but it's kind of a convenient comfortable love. It's relatively tame, more like a fondness; the kind that develops when you've spent enough years with someone." Here Casey nodded. Kate went on: "You and Cal though, you're what they write songs about. Your love is the kind of movies. It's epic. The music swells when you lean in to kiss."

Gillian gave her sister-in-law an amazed expression. "What?" She asked with a laugh. She felt embarrassed.

"Oh come on," Kate continued unperturbed. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. When you're in the room together, there's an electric connection. It's really obvious," she said it matter-of-factly. "Did you feel the same way about Alec as you feel about Cal?"

Gillian didn't have to think. "No."

"Exactly," Kate continued as if this proved her point entirely. "It's a different love that's why."

"Smart woman," Casey offered. Kate beamed under the compliment.

"That kind of love can overcome anything," Kate added, as if she had just been converted faithfully to a new religion.

"Geeze," Gillian cut her off. "Cal thinks _I_ read too many romance novels." But she was starting to see their point. She _had_ had a convenient kind of love with Alec, now that she looked back on it, especially in the end, maybe in the beginning too. And she sure as hell was not as upset about the dissolution of their marriage as she thought she should have been; it almost felt like a relief.

"The point is. You have love that's the envy of everyone else. It's strong and obvious and just makes sense. I'm sure Cal still loves you and always will, whatever happens with you. I doubt he actually did get over you." Kate paused. "I doubt he even got that far."

"It's not that I feel like he doesn't love me any longer; it's almost like he won't give in to 'us' anymore."

"Last time he did that, you left him," Casey noted bluntly. Gillian narrowed her eyes at her friend; that hurt because it was true.

"Yeah, maybe he's just being reserved because he's afraid you're going to leave again," Kate agreed.

Gillian considered that. It was a fair point. "That makes some sense."

Kate looked pleased with herself.

"I've never seen him like this though," Gillian voiced her concern.

"Not even after his wife left?" Casey asked, using a tone of voice that told Gillian she was starting to psycho-analyze the situation.

"No, he was upset, his behaviour erratic but there was still some emotion. Now there's a lack of it."

The proverbial penny dropped for Gillian. Her own words echoed in her head. A lack of emotion. A disinterest in activities that usually provided enjoyment, not just in her, but in other things too. He had stopped working on his research. He was sleeping badly. He seemed flat, like he had no energy. He was depressed. As a psychologist she could see that, just sitting here, looking at his behaviour. And there were all those other little things. His mother had suffered from depression, so there was a chance he was susceptible. Why had she not made that connection before? '_You didn't want to see it because you know you're the root of the problem and you feel guilty_.' Did Cal know? He would never admit it to her if he did.

"What?" Kate asked after the lengthy silence.

"I just worked it out," Gillian announced.

"How?"

"Can't say."

Casey sat quietly and Gillian was sure she had also worked it out. She gave Gillian a loaded expression that confirmed it. Kate continued to sit in the dark.

"If I'm right, then it's private and it has to stay that way."

"So you air your problems and then just clam up on us?" Kate complained lightly.

Gillian gave a shrug. "That's what you get when you talk with a psychologist."

Casey smirked.

**PJ**

"Hey," Cal greeted. He stepped aside to let her in. He eyed her carefully. "What's that there?"

"Overnight bag," Gillian informed him as she walked past. She turned to him, an eyebrow raised. "If you're up for the company?"

"Of course," Cal answered absently as he closed the door.

He didn't invite her to stay anymore. That was another thing that bugged her. Gillian had to remind herself not to be hurt by his casualness. It was not personal. At least she hoped it wasn't and that her theory was sound. They moved through to the living room. The TV was on but muted. "What are you watching?"

"Nuthin' really. I was readin'."

Gillian noted the open book on the couch. He usually sat in the arm chair. "Have you eaten yet?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Well I am, I'll cook," she dumped her bag on the armchair and went to the kitchen. She hoped he would follow her. He did. She opened the fridge to see what he had to offer.

"How was your lunch?"

"It was just coffee really."

"No wonda you need to eat."

Gillian gave him an amused smile around the fridge door. At least his sense of humour was still somewhat intact. "Kate's pregnant."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I know. They're not quite telling people yet but I got a preview."

"Tell her congratulations."

"I will."

"When is she due?"

"Christmas."

Cal nodded.

"Are you all right?" Gillian asked closing the fridge, sensing a shift in mood.

"Shouldn't I ask you that?" Cal retorted.

Oh right, sore subject.

Gillian gave a slight shake of her head. "No I'm ok."

Cal studied her for a moment and seemed to accept her answer. "There's pizza in the freeze-a."

"Now you're talking," Gillian gave him another smile. Cal returned it and she felt her heart flutter a little. She decided to give him time. Maybe with her back he would come out of it. It had only been a few weeks after all. Maybe she was being overly eager, like usual.

**PJ**

Cal couldn't sleep again. Last night it was because of Gillian. This time, well it was still because of Gillian, but for a different reason. She was beside him, not quite naked but warm and sleeping peacefully. Cal had spent a lot of the night tossing and turning. He had gotten up twice already, once for water and the second time for the bathroom. His mind was on overdrive and he couldn't switch it off. That spark of an idea had grown over the last few weeks until he was convinced he had something to say. He was anxious, his stomach on edge, his breathing ragged; he knew all the signs but could still not control them. He couldn't stop the train of thought in his head; he couldn't convince himself that, all of a sudden, that maybe it wasn't a good idea after all.

"Hey."

"Hey," Cal echoed softly. The room was lighter, he had missed that. Maybe he had gone to sleep. It didn't feel like it.

Gillian pried an eye open to look at him. "Did you sleep at all last night?" She said it with so much concern Cal felt sick.

"I dunno luv."

Gillian squinted at him with worry all over her face. She reached out a warm hand to touch his bare forearm. "Honey we should really sort that out."

"I don't think we should do this anymore."

Gillian opened both eyes and looked confused. "What? Sleep together?" She raised her head slightly off the pillow to see him better.

"I don't think we should see each otha anymore."

Gillian's lips pressed together and her eyes widened. "No!"

Cal was not expecting a fear expression. "What do you mean 'no'?"

"I mean, no, I don't accept that." She sat up.

"Well you kind of have to."

"No I don't!" Gillian cut him off; her voice was high pitched, panicked.

Cal sat so they were eye level. He felt incredibly heavy, like the world was on his shoulders. "Gill, if I don't wanna do this anymore you don't get a choice."

"Yes I do!" She looked close to tears and Cal felt bad but he also felt determined enough to know that to do the right thing he had to hurt her. "Why don't you want to do this anymore? I don't understand."

"I'm not right for you."

"What?" She looked incredulous now.

"I'm not good enough for you," Cal said it gently but purposefully.

"Yes you are!"

"No..."

"Yes, Cal. I love you. Don't do this to me."

"It's the right thing to do."

"No it's not!" Her voice got louder. "This is stupid. What do you mean you're not good enough for me?" She paused for a split second. "Is this your stupid theory on how you've dragged me down into your muck?"

"You heard about that?" It was a conversation he had had with a client, which had been recorded to get the client's reaction. Cal knew Gillian wasn't watching the feed at the time but he hadn't counted on her hearing about it later.

"Yes and its completely insane, Cal. You _are_ a good person. You're a great man and I love you. Please don't do this," she pleaded.

"I wasn't there for you."

"When?"

"When you wanted a baby."

Gillian's eyes slid to the right. She was thinking back. "That doesn't matter," she tried to dismiss.

"Yes it does! Don't be ridiculous. Your partna is supposed to be someone who's there for you, no matta what. I didn't do that for you. You deserve someone who will be there for you."

"You are here for me. You don't understand..."

"No, you don't get it. Love shouldn't be conditional."

Gillian's eyelids fluttered. She was processing what he was saying. She was starting to see.

"Othawise I'm not much betta than Alec."

"_Don't_ talk to me about Alec," she reprimanded with a flash of anger. She could hear Casey's voice in her head telling her she was starting a collection of men just like her ex-husband.

"This is the best thing for both of us."

"No, Cal, it's not." Tears flashed in her eyes. He was being too persistent with this and it was scaring her. If he was fishing for a compliment he would have stopped five minutes ago. She looked him square in his blue eyes, holding them tightly. "I was miserable without you Cal. My life was incomplete without you. And I know yours was too. We are meant to be together. There's no one else for me." The tears started to spill. She shifted so she was sitting on her knees and reached out to place her hands on his forearms. She felt incredibly desperate, how did she get him to change his mind? "Please Cal, don't..." she sobbed. "I don't want this to be the end." Why weren't words working for her right now?

"I don't wanna hurt you," Cal tried.

"This is hurting me! You leaving me hurts me."

"And I've already done it once..."

"So don't do it again! It's only been a few weeks, give me a chance." Gillian was aware she was starting to sound like a sixteen year old begging her boyfriend to never leave her for fear of being alone. But she really _was_ afraid of being alone, or more, she was afraid of her life without Cal as her partner.

"It's not you luv."

"It must be if you don't want me."

"Of course I want you!"

"Then what can I do to change your mind?"

Cal sighed. "It's not you, luv. It's me.

"Don't feed me cliché's! Tell me what's going on in your head."

"I can't change luv. I can't be the kind of man who gives you what you need."

"You can change. You already have changed," Gillian said softly. Her nose was blocked now and her face was itchy as the tears dried. But she felt a little calmer. He was, at least, talking to her now, explaining.

"For the betta?"

"I certainly think so."

Cal watched her for a moment and Gillian didn't know how to break the silence anyway, so it went on for a moment. "Are you sure you wanna be stuck with a grumpy old bugga, who's completely crap with his emotions, has an obsession about the truth and is far from perfect?"

"You're not that far, and yes. I'm not perfect either," Gillian told him gently.

"You are compared to me."

"This isn't about me at all is it? This is about you."

"I've been tryin' to tell you that."

"No, I mean, this is not about you not being good enough for me, this is about you trying to break up with me before I decide to break up with you. Isn't it?"

Cal didn't respond, which Gillian was starting to learn was him agreeing.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Still nothing.

"You're stuck with me. I promise." She squeezed his arms. "Ok?"

Cal gave a resigned nod.

"And don't ever do that to me again. If you're unhappy, then talk to me. Please don't give up on us. We can work it out. I don't want to lose you."

Cal gave a nod of compliance.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Gillian leaned forward and kissed him. But Cal didn't feel better.

**PJ**

Gillian lay on the couch trying to concentrate on the book she was reading but she was having a hard time with it because Cal's hand was stroking her leg. He ran thick fingers along the back of her calf, his palm pressed into the curve of her knee, he traced circles along her shin. He did it absently because he was reading too and they were on either end of the couch; Gillian's toes were tucked under his thigh to keep warm. She knew he wasn't caressing her on purpose; she had watched him to see and he didn't break concentration. It was kind of sweet to have the contact; it reassured her of his feelings. His real feelings, not the ones he had tried and failed to convince her of that morning.

"Are you readin' or watchin' me?" Cal glanced over.

Gillian gave an embarrassed smile. "Watching you I guess," she answered haughtily.

"I'm sorry about this mornin'. I'm not very good at talkin' about my feelin's."

"I know."

"I wish I could make you happy."

"You do make me happy."

"But you're not happy."

"Neither are you," Gillian shot back. And then she realised she had agreed with him without thinking it through. Was she really unhappy though? "I am happy Cal."

"In general, you're a happy person. But recently, you're not."

"That doesn't make it your fault."

"I don't want to drag you down to my level."

Gillian leaned forward. "I'm trying to drag you up to mine."

Cal blinked at this.

"Be happy Cal," Gillian said to him in a soft voice. "You got me, that's something to be celebrate."

"Mighty full of yourself too," Cal mumbled.

Gillian grinned. "Be happy about it instead of dissecting it and waiting for it to fall apart. Then you'll just be left with a self fulfilled prophecy."

"Somewhat wise too then."

"Stop it," Gillian leaned closer and kissed him. His hand crept into the curve of her knee and she gave a little moan against his mouth that caused him to kiss her slightly harder.


	28. Chapter 28

"I _love_ weddings."

"Yeah, you might've mentioned that once or twice."

Gillian leaned against Cal's arm where they sat. "I love seeing people express their feelings of love. Especially when they're young."

"Is that because they're still naïve enough to believe marriage is glamorous and foreva really does mean foreva?"

"_Cal_," Gillian told him off lightly. The couple in front of them turned slightly to glance over their shoulder. Gillian gave them a small smile. Then she looked around the outdoor setting. It was a sunny day but not overly warm and she clung onto Cal mostly for some body warmth; she only had a shawl to protect her shoulders and bare arms. But she also clung because on a subconscious level she was afraid to let go of him in case he went away. When she consciously caught herself doing it she backed off. The last thing she wanted to do now was smother him and feed into that clingy teenage girl image. She knew better. It had been a month since that very scary conversation where Cal had tried to break up with her and she was still learning to trust him again, herself again, 'them' again. Trust was a matter of faith, or so Cal said, so she was learning to have faith again. The more time that went by, the better, because she also knew time was a healer.

They were seated on white chairs on the grass. A trellis arch was set up at the head of the aisle. White flowers of varying types were threaded in between the slats of the wood. There weren't many guests in attendance and it was hard to tell who were family and who were friends. Gillian recognised one of the young women in the front row as a sibling. It was a simple gathering but still a beautiful setting.

"Because they're excited about spending the rest of their lives with each other and there's all that possibility," Gillian mused to Cal in a low voice.

"Mmph," Cal answered. There was a long pause. "Was that a subtle hint?" He turned to see her expression.

"What?" Gillian laughed lightly, turning towards him, her blue eyes flashing in amusement. "No that was not a hint of any kind," she answered quickly. Then she sighed contentedly and hugged herself a little more against his shoulder. "You look nice by the way."

"So do you, by the way," Cal echoed. He could feel her soft breasts pressed against his arm. He gave Gillian an appreciative cheeky grin; she returned a smile. "I like goin' to these kinds of things with you."

Gillian looked surprised. "Are you serious?"

Cal gave her a smirk but didn't get to answer because the music started up, signalling the bride was ready to start walking down the aisle.

**PJ**

"When do you think they're going to cut the cake?" Gillian asked, leaning against the table. She was wearing a yellow dress that clasped around her neck so that her back and shoulders were bare. Two strips of material covered her breasts before the rest of the dress formed at her waist. Her light brown hair was curled lightly and her make-up was light. She didn't need it anyway. She looked amazing. She always did. Cal was wearing a black suit and tie. It was the suit he kept for particularly nice occasions. The way Gillian leaned against the table forced her cleavage to accentuate. Cal had spent a lot of time already that evening staring at her chest. Gillian had already caught him twice. They were currently sitting alone, the rest of their table, which were work colleagues, were either dancing, getting more food or were up and socialising around the room.

Cal watched Gillian amused. "Is that the only reason you came here today? For the cake?"

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression and ignored the comment. "I thought Ria looked beautiful."

"Yeah she was all right," Cal conceded reluctantly.

"You're such a cynic. She looked beautiful, this place is beautiful and today was beautiful."

Cal watched her carefully for a moment as she glanced around the high wooden ceilings of the banquet hall. He didn't really give a damn about their surroundings. Any evening with Gillian was a nice one. And as for her brushing off the marriage comment, he wasn't quite convinced. "Do you wanna dance?"

Gillian's blue eyes flashed in delight. "You? Dance? Are you feeling ok?" She pressed the back of her hand against his forehead.

Cal shifted out of her touch. "Do you wanna dance or not?"

"I would love to dance," Gillian got to her feet. She held out a hand to Cal. He took it as he got to his feet too. They moved to the dance floor and Cal pulled on Gillian's hand so she moved closer into his embrace. She was wearing very high heels, which meant she was slightly taller than Cal was at that moment. She smiled as he put his hand on her waist. Gillian continued to glance around the room as they moved. She smiled familiarly at people they knew. Cal watched Gillian only. It had been almost two months now since they had got back together and while things had been going slowly, it was starting to feel as though they were back on track. But that sense of amazement had not left Cal. He still marvelled at the fact that she was with him and had no intention of going anywhere. And these public events fuelled that feeling, because he saw the admiring expressions on the men around them. It was very nice to know that she was there with _him_. And willingly.

"Mind if I cut in?"

Cal turned to Loker. He watched the taller, younger man, but before he could answer Gillian gave him a smile. "Sure." She gave Cal's hand a squeeze and stepped away from him. "You should go talk to Ria."

"And say what?"

"Tell her congratulations," Gillian instructed. She reached out to put her hands on Loker, dismissing Cal. He turned to find his protégé. She was dancing with a man in a dark suit. He crossed the room.

"Can I cut in?" He asked. He caught relief of Ria's face; the man she was dancing with looked annoyed.

"Cal this is Karl's best man, Edward."

"Nice to meet you," Cal offered a hand. Edward offered the same polite comment and shook his hand firmly. Cal turned to Ria. It felt strange to put his hand in hers, the other near her rib cage, not as low as he would dare with Gillian. "Best wishes by the way."

"Oh thank you," Ria looked impressed.

"You look nice," Cal offered.

Ria laughed. "Kinda strange coming out of your mouth."

Cal ignored the comment. "You're not a fan of the best man?"

"He gets handsy when he's been drinking."

Cal nodded to show he understood. They danced silently for a moment. Ria watched his expression too carefully and he felt himself reflectively closing off. "When are you goin' on your honeymoon?" He dutifully made small talk.

"Two weeks."

"Why the wait?"

Ria looked surprised and then offended. "Are you seriously asking me that?"

Cal read her face, sensing a hint of hostility. But he was confused. "And why should I not be askin' you that?"

"Because I asked you for the time off after the wedding to go away, and you never got back to me, so we lost the seats for the flight," her voice was tight with irritation. "I had to go and ask Gillian for the following fortnight."

Cal had no recollection of that conversation at all. He was drawing a complete blank and that was a little disturbing to realise. "When was this?" He asked neutrally. Maybe he had had some sort of drinking episode he had no recollection of... but when had he had an excuse to get drunk in the last few months?

"Six months ago," Ria answered after taking a moment to think back.

Six months ago.

Right in the middle of the time he and Gillian had been apart. Not so surprisingly, he didn't remember much from that time aside from being miserable. Ria watched the thoughts pass across Cal's face, no matter how hard he tried to hide them and she realised too about the time frame. Her expression became contrite. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it luv," Cal responded. The song ended and they stepped apart again. "Gill wants to know when you're cuttin' the cake."

"Tell her soon," Ria responded with a smile. "Thanks for the dance."

"Yeah," Cal agreed with a slight smile. He would never admit it, well maybe only to Gillian, but he liked Ria, he liked having her around, even if he had to envy her natural talent at his carefully developed and hard learnt science.

Karl arrived at his new wife's side. "Cal, good to see you again."

"Yeah, you too, congratulations," Cal offered along with his hand. They shook and then Cal took his leave, heading back across the dance floor. Gillian was just saying goodbye to Loker and was turning, searching the crowd. "Lookin' for me?" Cal asked in her ear.

She spun quickly towards him, startled. She gave him a smile. "It's always safer to keep tabs on you in social situations."

Cal feigned offence. "I've been well behaved."

"Yes I know," Gillian retorted lightly. "I'm very proud."

"Now, now. Don't patronise me."

A slower song started so Cal offered her his arms again for another dance. Gillian stepped close to him. He placed his left hand in hers, his other arm he wrapped around her back, forcing her closer, making sure their bodies were touching. "Seein' as our last dance was cut short."

"I'd rather have this one," Gillian murmured in response.

"Ria told me they're doin' the cake soon." Gillian's face lit up. Cal smiled. She was easily pleased. They moved together for a few moments while Cal thought that this was easy, being with her, just like this.

Gillian's expression suddenly got serious. "I've been thinking about something I want to talk to you about."

"What's that luv?" Cal started studying her expression.

"Don't do that."

"I can't help it."

Gillian sighed; yes he could. She re-gathered herself and continued. "About the house."

"What about it? You wanna sell it?"

"No," Gillian quickly responded. Cal could see that was the truth. "No, I was thinking about you moving back in. Sometime though, no pressure. Just maybe sometime after you think about it."

Cal studied her eyes: excitement and hope, but there was also a nervous furrow of her eyebrows that belied apprehension. He tilted his head to study her better. "Are you askin' me to move in with you?"

"Well it's your house too."

"Not since I moved out." Cal gave her a raised eyebrow expression that said 'don't you agree?'

"I might be paying the mortgage but your name is still on the paperwork," Gillian countered.

"Yeah I guess we neva sorted that out."

Gillian took her time to watch him and he gave her an impassive expression. It had become a habit lately. "Cal, I know we're not back to where we left off or anything and I don't expect everything to just go back to normal. It'll take time for that, or maybe it never will be how it was exactly. But I want you to know, that I'm serious about you and me. I want you to move back in sometime. If you want to. When you're ready."

Now she was being much clearer. And Cal felt the need to run from the room as fast as he could. It felt like too much, too soon. Being together was nice and simple; why did she have to complicate it with conversations about their relationship?

"Would you undastand that I'm not quite ready just yet?"

Gillian watched him for a second. "Yeah I would. I'm not expecting you to move in tomorrow."

That was the truth. She wasn't offended. Cal felt relieved but he was careful not to let that show on his face. "What if I wanted to move in tomorrow?"

"You'd be welcome."

"But I'm not."

"That's still ok."

"All right."

"Are you being contrary on purpose?"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Karl and Ria are about to cut the cake."

**PJ**

Gillian heard the front door open and then slam shut. She checked her watch. Cal said he was only going to be gone an hour. It had only been fifteen minutes. "Cal?" She got up and went to the hallway where she found Emily removing her coat. Gillian could tell from her body language she was upset but she saw the young woman's eyes were red and her cheeks tear streaked when she turned around. "Emily, what's wrong?" Gillian asked concerned.

"Is Dad here?"

"No he went out," Gillian approached and suddenly felt out of place opting to stay behind in his home while he went to do errands.

"Good, cos I really don't want to face him right now."

"Honey what happened?" Gillian placed a hand tenderly on her shoulder; her first instinct was to comfort.

Emily started crying again. "Rick broke up with me."

"What?" Gillian asked surprised. She took Emily by the shoulders with both hands and directed her gently to the living room and a seat on the couch. "What happened? Why did he end it?"

"He said it's about college."

"College?" Gillian asked confused. "But I thought you got in to Harvard? Cal told me."

"Yeah I did but Rick didn't."

'_Oh_.'

"And he says now that it's going to be too hard with us being in different cities."

"Has he decided where to attend?"

Emily shook her head, "not yet."

Gillian didn't know what to say. She stroked Emily's hair. "Sweetie, I'm sorry."

"What happened with you and Dad? When you got back together? I mean, you talked him into it right? You changed his mind."

"Oh, honey," Gillian shook her head. "That was completely different." And not entirely true. And so much more complicated.

"Why is that different? You make Dad happy, he makes you happy, you love each other, it made sense for you to get back together."

"Yes it did," Gillian had to concede. "But…"

"So maybe I'll talk to Rick. I don't have to go to Harvard."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Gillian tried to cut Emily off, sounding very much like the teenager's father. If Cal heard this conversation he would have a fit. "No sweetie, sometimes with love, you have to walk away to let it come back to you."

"Like you came back to Dad."

"Yeah, like that."

"You think Rick will come back to me?"

Gillian looked into the wide, expectant brown eyes of the younger woman. She was desperate and hopeful and very upset. Gillian had no doubt she loved Rick and from what she'd seen from Rick's expressions he loved Emily too. She also knew that no matter what she said right now, Emily wasn't really listening, she was running on emotion and that would create poor logic. "I know Rick loves you very much," Gillian responded.

Emily nodded. "He'll change his mind." She sounded convinced.

"Does your Mom know you're here?"

Emily shook her head.

"Why don't you call her and let her know? You're always welcome to stay; I don't have to tell you that." Not that it was her house to make those decisions in.

"I might stay for a bit and go home later."

"Sure," Gillian agreed. She watched Emily get up, walk by her, and to the phone on the end of the kitchen bench. Gillian was perplexed. She was friends with Emily and that meant certain things, but she didn't know how to handle the situation. This was something for her father or her mother to deal with. In the meantime, she could make hot chocolate and try to change the subject. Maybe when Emily had calmed down a little they could have a more constructive conversation. For Gillian to make a proper assessment she needed more information. What were Rick's words exactly? And how did he look when he said them?

**PJ**

"Is she ok?"

"Yeah she's crashed out."

"So she's going to stay?"

"Probably," Cal slouched on the couch next to Gillian. She turned her head to look at him. "If that's all right?"

"It's your house."

"I just meant, it kinda changes our plans."

"Emily's more important than our plans."

Cal gave her a mildly pleased expression. "Thanks luv, for talkin' to her."

"I really didn't do anything."

"Well you looked afta her in my absence and I appreciate that."

"What did you say to her?"

"I just talked about her future and how she can't base her life around a boy."

"I'm sure that went down well."

Cal gave a cynical smile. "Yeah like a lead balloon. She'll be all right eventually."

"You know, she uses 'us' as an example."

He raised an eyebrow. "In what way?"

"About us being apart and then getting back together. She thinks it will happen for her too."

Cal looked thoughtful. "Well I neva thought I'd say it but I think, Gill, you're a bad influence on my daughta."

Gillian wasn't sure whether to laugh or be offended. "Shut up Cal."

He grinned in response.


	29. Chapter 29

"I was beginnin' to think you had stood me up." Cal looked around the crowded restaurant. He had been waiting fifteen minutes and had been thinking about calling Gillian originally. But she had rung his cell phone first. He hated when people talked on their phones while eating dinner and he didn't miss the distasteful expression on the woman sitting a few feet away from him. He gave her an apologetic pressing of his lips and switched the cell phone to his other ear, turning his head away. It sounded like Gillian was in the car, hopefully on her way.

"I _am_ standing you up. Sorry. I'm on my way to the hospital."

"What?" Cal asked alarmed. "What for?"

"Kate, she's gone into labour."

"Really? She's early."

"Yeah so I doubt I'll see you tonight."

"All right luv," Cal agreed feeling disappointed.

"Unless you want to come down to the hospital and wait with me?"

He heard the hopefulness in her tone. "Where are you?"

"St John's."

"See you there." Cal hung up his phone and signalled the waiter. When he had approached Cal asked, "Is there any chance I can get a takeaway?"

The waiter gave him a blank stare, "I'll ask the chef."

Cal watched the young man approached the window. He had already seen the quiver of his lips that said it was possible. The head of the chef appeared in the service window. They had a quiet discussion but from where he sat Cal could see the facial expressions clearly. The answer was a definite yes. He opened his menu and picked a few things to order, repeating them to the waiter before he had a chance to tell Cal that it was ok. He raised his eyebrows in surprise but gave a nod before walking away.

**PJ**

"I was beginning to think you had stood _me_ up," Gillian greeted him with a smile and a quick kiss on the lips. She patted his arm.

"Nah I had to wait for this."

"What's this?" Gillian asked delighted as Cal handed over the plastic bag. She already knew what it was.

"Dinna," Cal answered.

"That's so nice."

"You haven't eaten have you?" He watched her expression and saw the answer. No, she hadn't.

"Don't do that," Gillian admonished him lightly. She turned to the dark haired woman sitting attentively behind her. "You remember Kate's sister, Michelle?"

"All right?" Cal greeted stepping forward and shaking her hand. "There's food there if you want some."

"Oh thank you but I'm not hungry."

"Yes you are," Cal told her, reading the deception on her face easily.

Michelle looked startled for a second. "I don't want to impose."

"Go ahead," Cal gestured to the bag Gillian was holding.

"You're not imposing," Gillian told her. She took a seat on one of the orange plastic chairs in the waiting area and started looking through the bag. Cal had over ordered on purpose, not up to guessing what Gillian wanted without her being there. "Are you eating?"

"Yeah," Cal took a seat next to her. They had a picnic, swapping a few containers between them to sample the selection Cal had brought. When Gillian had finished eating, she got up to see what was happening with Kate and how far away the birth was. Cal finished the chicken he was eating and snapped the lid back on the container. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Michelle was watching him. He pretended to glance over as he turned to put the container back in the plastic bag, which was sitting on the seat between them. "You have kids Michelle?" He asked casually.

"Yeah two sons."

"How old are they?"

"Twelve and fourteen."

Cal nodded.

"You have a daughter right?"

"Yeah."

"How old is she?"

"Nearly eighteen."

"Is she off to college soon?"

"Yeah Harvard."

"Wow, Ivy League. Congratulations."

Cal gave a smile. "Thanks."

"You share custody with your wife right?"

"Yeah."

"So you have your daughter on the weekends?"

"Yeah mostly, but she's old enough now to come and go as she pleases."

Michelle nodded.

"Are you thinkin' about sharin' custody with your husband?" Cal asked.

"Oh no, nothing like that, I was just curious."

Cal saw immediately she was lying. Not simply curiosity, and yes, she was thinking about sharing custody with her husband. "How long have you been married?"

"Fifteen years," Michelle responded.

Another lie. Cal could feel his curiosity piquing. "That's a long time."

"Yeah," Michelle agreed.

"It's hard to keep a relationship goin' afta that long."

"Yeah well Steve's great."

Another lie. Cal fought the urge to get closer, to study her face closer.

"So Kate's fine," Gillian approached. She caught Cal's expression before he could cover it. She hesitated and gave him a curious questioning expression. Cal shook his head in warning.

"That's good," Michelle responded without noticing their exchange.

Gillian took her seat between them. "There's dessert in there too," Cal told her.

Gillian gave him a brilliant smile. "Trust you to think of everything."

**PJ**

"A boy!" Gillian repeated even though they were outside and no one else was around to announce it too. It was midnight; the new baby had just snuck into the previous day. Cal was tired but he found Gillian's excitement impressive. He tugged on her hand as she started to pull away from him. "I'm ova here," he told her.

"Well I'm over here," Gillian responded with a smile and a vague gesture in the opposite direction of the half empty parking lot.

They came to a standstill. Cal wanted to ask her over, but it was late. He tried to read her mood from her face but she just gave him an expression of mock exasperation. "Don't do that," she told him. She shook her head slightly, "You're doing it a lot these days." Cal didn't respond to her comment. She stepped closer and kissed him softly for a long moment. "Goodnight Cal."

So she was going home.

Cal didn't let go of her hand. "Wait. I wanted to talk to you about somethin'."

"Can it wait until tomorrow?"

"It's important."

"Is that why you wanted to have dinner in a restaurant tonight?"

"Yeah."

Gillian's expression got serious, but he could see the flash of amusement in her eyes. "Then I'm sorry I ruined your plans."

"Doesn't matta."

"What is it?"

"About me movin' back in."

"Yes?" Gillian suddenly got even more serious. Her hand unintentionally tightened its grip on his. Fair enough. It had been more than a month since she had brought it; her patience was phenomenal.

"I've been thinkin' about it. Would you be all right with waitin' until Emily leaves home? I know it's still a long way away but, afta she goes I'm gonna be alone, and it's less disruptive for her with finals in the new year. It's only a little bit longa."

Gillian's expression slowly softened into a smile. She could see he was sincerely thinking about his daughter, not procrastinating on her. "Sure."

"You're all right with that?" Cal read her expression, seeing that she was before she voiced the words.

"Yeah."

"And then," Cal pulled her closer so they were just a few inches apart. "I'd love to move in with you."

Gillian gave him a smile and a kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow ok?"

"Yeah."

"I love you Cal. Goodnight."

"Goodnight luv."

**PJ**

"No, the daughter is not part of it," Gillian insisted. She gathered the loose papers sitting on top of her desk to put back in their folder.

"Are you absolutely, positively convinced?" Cal asked disbelievingly, swinging from foot to foot in front of her desk. "Because she is _definitely_ hidin' somethin'."

"Yea she might be hiding something but it's not about her father. She seems genuinely embarrassed by his actions and completely unaware of them until two days ago… plus there's no deception leakage when she talked about him. I'm surprised you missed that."

Cal gave her an incredulous smirk, amused by her use of one of his favourite lines used on himself, but was cut off by a knock at the door. Gillian smiled and waved the person in. Cal turned to see a tall silver haired man enter. His face was deeply tanned and lined, denoting his age, probably in his seventies. Gillian got to her feet quickly and walked around the desk, greeting the man with a bright smile and a kiss on the cheek. Cal watched silently but perplexed. The man showed pride and joy. Gillian was exhibiting deep affection. They exchanged greetings and asked after each other and then Gillian was turning to face him again, "Cal this is my father, David. Dad, this is Cal Lightman."

"All right?" Cal greeted offering his hand. The grip was firm and dry. He got a nod in return. He turned to Gillian. "I'll talk to you late-a then."

"Yeah," Gillian agreed giving him a benign smile. Cal left the office and Gillian turned to her father. "You look good."

"So do you Gillian. And this place is impressive." He glanced around her office as he said it.

She moved them to the cream couches opposite her desk. "You didn't have to come in. I was going to suggest meeting you somewhere when you called."

"I finally wanted to see where my daughter worked. You've been here for years. You weren't keeping it secret were you?"

"No. But secrets are hard to keep here." Gillian indicted he should have a seat. "How are things in San Diego?"

"They're fine."

"Have you been to see Matthew?"

"Not yet. I wasn't sure what their schedule was now with the new baby."

"Well Matthew's back at work next week so now would be a good time to see him at home. Maybe this afternoon? I can call him first if you'd like?"

"I can call him," David dismissed but he showed a hint of fear.

Gillian filed it away in the back of her mind and changed the subject. "So everything's good? You look good."

"Yeah everything's good. How about you? You said you were seeing someone. Do I get to meet him on this visit?" Because it had been quite awhile since her father had been back in the city.

"Actually," Gillian smiled. She couldn't help it when it came to talking about Cal. "You just met him." She realised now that she should have put more emphasis on the introduction.

David raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "The Brit?"

"Yeah the Brit."

"He seems all right."

"Yeah he's pretty all right," Gillian agreed softly.

"Is he good to you?"

"Yes Dad."

"I'm just asking," he raised his hands in a sigh of parley. "And how long have you been together now?"

"Two years."

On and off. He wasn't mentioning their brief separation, even though he knew about it, so Gillian figured she wasn't going to either.

"No sign of a ring then?"

"Dad," Gillian warned.

"I'm just asking," David feigned innocence. "I want my daughter to be happy."

"I am happy Dad."

"Would I approve?"

"Well, Cal's nothing like Alec and you approved of him so I don't know." And that was genuine. Alec was polite, dependable, with a good solid government job. He had been the proverbial all-American boy-next-door. That was until his cocaine habit had reared its ugly head. But she had kept her family mostly out of that. Cal was a little off the wall. He was rude half the time and the energy he exhibited could be interpreted as aggressive. But underneath was a heart of gold. Sometimes it took more than a chance meeting to see that.

David looked offended for a second. "I liked Alec because you liked Alec."

"You didn't like Alec?" Gillian asked surprised.

"He was a bit smug for my liking."

Gillian raised her eyebrows further in shock.

"And then there was the way he treated you."

"How was that?"

"Didn't know a good thing when he had it. Ignored you too much. Took you for granted. He was selfish."

Gillian agreed but she didn't let him see that.

"So long as Cal doesn't do that, he's all right in my books."

"No," Gillian answered softly. "Cal doesn't do that."

"And how's business?" David looked through the glass wall of her office to the corridor. Loker was slouching by.

"Yeah really good."

"And your mother?" He asked it lightly and glanced back at her briefly, but Gillian heard the rise in pitch that made his voice sound strained, and betrayed his true emotions.

"She's fine," Gillian answered neutrally.

David nodded. "I guess I better let you get back to work. We can catch up properly later tonight."

"Yeah I'm looking forward to it."

"Will Cal be joining us for dinner?"

"I'll ask him," Gillian got up to usher her father out. When he had exited the front door she headed to Cal's office to continue their discussion. As far as she was concerned, it was not over. And she was still right.

"So that was your Dad?" Cal asked as soon as she walked into the room. It was if he had seen her coming.

"Yes it was."

"Did you mention he was comin' into town?"

"I said I was going to meet him for dinner, remember?"

But Cal could get distracted easily, so maybe he didn't.

"You neva talk about him." Cal raised his eyebrows, inviting an answer.

"You never talk about _your_ Dad," Gillian pointed out. She took a seat opposite his desk. Cal studied her intently. Gillian suddenly realised what he was doing. "Don't do that. Whatever it is, about my father, I don't want to know, ok? I'm happy in my ignorance."

Cal watched her for a second longer, working out why she would say that. He didn't know a lot about her childhood. Just that her father was an alcoholic and it had destroyed their family and her parent's marriage. There had been a lot of hurt. He knew Matthew had had a hard time forgiving. But Gillian? She was one of the most gracious people Cal knew... "All right," he agreed.

"He wants to know if you'll come to dinner."

"But you don't want me to?"

Gillian looked a little embarrassed. "How about lunch tomorrow instead? That's only an hour."

"Are you protectin' me or him?"

"Him," Gillian answered quickly.

"Ouch," Cal clutched at his chest.

Gillian gave him a smirk. "I would like to catch up with my father on my own. Do you mind?"

"Nope."

"Now, about this Harrison case."

Cal grinned. "What about it?"

**PJ**

"Dad, I'm so sorry, I can't take you to the airport. I have to meet with a police detective and time is kind of the essence in this case."

Cal watched Gillian listen to the response on the other end of the phone. Her blue eyes studied the couch in his office while she did. Then her eye lids fluttered. So she was processing something.

"Uh huh," she said. A pause and she listened. She looked at the watch on her wrist and Cal watched the curl of her lips; this was a perfect way to observe her. Her distracted; him an uncensored view. "Um, yeah, maybe ten minutes. I'm leaving here in half an hour."

Cal thought to himself that she looked slightly upset.

"Yeah," she said in a gentle tone. "Ok, see you then." She hung up her cell phone and turned to Cal with an expectant expression. He dutifully turned to the video projected on the wall and hit the play button on his computer keyboard.

Half an hour later, Gillian was subtly checking her watch when Heidi led the tall silver haired figure in. "Thanks Heidi," Cal told her while Gillian kissed her father on the cheek in greeting.

"I'm sorry I can't spend more time with you," Gillian was saying. "But I really have to go. I'm going to be late."

"Well you shouldn't be late," David told her.

"And you just got here."

"Traffic was thicker coming off the Beltway."

"That can be a nightmare," Cal inserted himself into the conversation. He stepped forward to shake David's hand in greeting. Then he stepped away again, not wanting to intrude.

"It was good to see you Dad," Gillian began her farewells.

"You too sweetheart."

They hugged.

"You two should come out to see me sometime," David offered.

"I'd like that," Gillian gave him a smile. She glanced over her shoulder to see Cal's face, not that he'd let anything slip. They headed toward the door slowly. "Did your taxi wait?"

"No I wasn't sure how long I was going to be."

"I'll get Heidi to call you another one. Sorry to shunt you out the door again."

"I can take him," Cal offered. They both turned to him. "I'm not doin' anythin' important right now."

"You don't have to go to this meeting?" David asked.

Cal shook his head.

"No, it's a case I'm working on. Cal was just helping me go over some footage," Gillian answered. She watched Cal, checking to see if there was an ulterior motive. It was hard to tell. "Are you sure?" She asked him.

"Yeah, not a problem."

"That'd be nice," David added.

Gillian wondered if she'd missed something. "Ok, well, then, I love you Dad, take care ok?" She hugged him again.

"Love you too sweetheart."

Gillian left and Cal turned to her father. "When's your flight again?"


	30. Chapter 30

Gillian powered into Cal's office like she was on a mission, her heels clicking purposefully across the hard floor. Cal gave her a curious expression, waiting for her to state what she was there about first; he knew that determined expression well. He wondered if he was in trouble. He was pretty sure he hadn't managed to piss anyone off recently.

"It's our anniversary coming up," she started.

Cal felt alarmed but kept that from his face. Dear God, what had he missed? March was, technically, around the time they had first got together but he thought Gillian might have counted Christmas. She hadn't mentioned it before now and so he hadn't mentioned it. Because with them breaking up for most of last year, he wasn't quite sure where they stood on that kind of thing. "Which one luv?"

"You and me; ten years."

"Since we met?"

She must be talking about when they first met, and not them as a couple. So, he was safe.

"Yes," Gillian gave him a confused expression. "What did you think I was talking about?"

"Nothin'. Has it been that long?"

Cal gave a slight smirk. "Let me guess. You want to celebrate?"

"Yes I do."

"What have you got in mind?"

"A party."

Cal gave her an unimpressed expression.

"Come on," Gillian coaxed with a smile on her lips. "A party will be way less tedious and much cheaper than taking everyone to dinner." She talked with her hands, a sign she was excited or adamant. "Which, by the way, is your only other option. So it's your choice really."

Cal considered her for a moment. She was serious about the dinner and he was very aware he was being manipulated. But on this occasion, he didn't want to call her bluff. "Party it is," he relented.

"Excellent," Gillian looked triumphant.

"When is the anniversary exactly?"

"Next week."

"Huh. Ten years."

"Hasn't it just flown by?" Gillian gave him another brilliant smiled and turned on her heel, strutting towards the door. Cal sat back in his chair and enjoyed the departing view.

**PJ**

"This also doubles as your farewell, so don't think you're gettin' anotha one," Cal leaned toward his daughter.

Emily turned to him with an unimpressed expression. "Don't worry. Mom already let me have a going away party."

Cal watched her face surreptitiously, which showed no signs of deception and gave a nod that he'd heard her; mostly to hide the sting of finding out after the fact. "Where was my invite?"

"It was just for friends," Emily replied loftily. Then she broke into a grin, which softened as she hugged her father's arm. "I'd rather say my goodbyes to you in private anyway."

Cal was about to give a snide response when Gillian cut him off. "Hey Emily, when did you get here?"

"Uh, about ten minutes ago," Emily responded, her face lighting up. "Congratulations on ten years knowing this guy," she jerked a thumb in her father's direction and stood to hug the older woman.

Gillian laughed. "Thank you. You want something to drink?"

"I can get it," Emily started to walk away.

"Nothin' alcoholic," Cal told her retreating back. Emily shot him a glare over her shoulder. Gillian took a seat in the recently vacated one. Cal watched her scan the room. "Havin' fun?" He asked, scanning her.

"Mm hmm," Gillian turned towards him her eyes sparkling. "Loker will get drunk soon and entertain us all."

Cal checked his watch. It had been two hours. "Right on schedule I guess." He stretched his legs out in front of him, slouching lower in his chair.

Gillian gave him a grin. "Hey, I want to talk to you about something."

"What's that luv?" Cal was suddenly interested in her face.

Gillian gave him a lightly disparaging expression. "Don't do that." Cal raised his eyebrows in response but said nothing. Gillian continued: "I've been thinking about changing my name."

"To what?"

"Back to my maiden name."

"What's wrong with Fosta?"

And why was she bringing this up here and now?

"That's Alec's name," Gillian pointed out with a slight down turn of her mouth. Disgust.

"I like the name Fosta."

"Even though it's my ex-husband's name?" Gillian gave him an amused expression, eyebrows raised.

Cal gave a resigned roll of his eyes. Ok, no he didn't like that it was her ex-husband's name but he'd gotten used to her as Foster. "It's betta than your maiden name," he added under his breath.

Gillian laughed and gave his arm a playful slap. "I heard that."

"Why are you tellin' me this?" Cal asked her suddenly.

"I thought I should warn you before I went ahead. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in a relationship?"

"Is it?" Cal asked facetiously.

Gillian hit his arm again in protest, this time a little harder.

"Do I get to object?"

"No. I'm telling you. I'm thinking about doing it."

"All right," Cal said because he didn't know what else he was meant to say. She was thinking about changing her last name. How did that affect him anyway? There was no point in arguing with her, even if he didn't want her to change her last name, because it wasn't really any of his business. Unless there was some ulterior motive he was missing right now. It was hard to tell with Gillian. Things were different since they had got back together. Before the break up, it had all fallen into place so easily; they just clicked. Now it seemed sometimes she reached out and he missed it, then got annoyed. Or he let himself get closer to her and she cling on too tightly. Or there were those little wheedling manipulations she never used to try on him. And he was constantly looking for something in her face that would tell him that this wasn't working; that she was hiding something from him. It wasn't nice and easy like it was before.

Cal watched Emily talking to Ria Dupree across the room. His daughter was merging from the shell of a shy, slightly awkward teenager, showing confidence as she conversed with the older woman. "Are you gonna stop by tomorrow?"

"Mh hmm," Gillian answered turning her eyes to Cal. He was still watching the room but could feel her gazing on him, trying to read him. She leaned in to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Your speech was good by the way."

Cal turned to her. She was still leaning so close. Her eyes seemed dark in the edge of the light. Every so often he was struck with how beautiful she was, how precious she was to him. This was one of those moments. The expression on her face was adoration and it made Cal's stomach tighten in response. He wondered what it would be like to have sex with her in his office. Or her office. It didn't really matter.

"Short and sweet," Gillian added.

Most of it had been for Gillian anyway but he wasn't going to tell her that because he still felt the weirdness between them from six months ago and he wasn't sure what to do about it. It was a fear that they wouldn't last and Cal could justify it as not being a totally irrational idea. She had gone before and it could happen again. In Cal's opinion, history _did_ repeat. Cal continued to watch her wordlessly until Gillian's light smile faded away and she straightened up. She got up. "Don't sit in the corner all night," she said with a hint of annoyance and avoided his eye.

"Did I do somethin'?" Cal asked quickly, looking up at her.

Gillian had twisted to walk away and she turned back slowly. She was unable to hide the irritation on her features and Cal was stunned for a second to see it there, that she was letting him see it so openly and not trying to hide it, and then he hardened himself against it. "No," she answered directly.

"But you _are_ annoyed with me."

"Cal," she almost whined.

Cal got up so see her better, so they were eye to eye. He had the bloodlust of trying to sniff out the truth. "What?" Gillian didn't answer and tried to avoid looking at him. She took a slight step backwards. "What is it?" Cal asked not too gently.

"I don't want to do this here ok?"

Cal was scared she was about to do the very thing he had just been afraid of, but another part of him was gleeful that he was about to be proven right. There were some things even Gillian Foster couldn't soften him on. He loved to be right.

"Look, Cal, we'll talk later ok? I just want to have a nice evening."

"So you _are_ annoyed with me?" Cal pressed his point.

"Yes, Cal, I'm annoyed. But I'll talk to you later," Gillian stared him in the eye and then walked away.

Cal was confused. He must have been distracted, not paying attention to her. Surely that had not just come out of the blue? But here it was then. Finally.

**PJ**

"Excited?" Cal asked.

Emily nodded. "Definitely."

"Glad you didn't go runnin' after Rick to California?"

"Oh my god! I can't believe you actually brought him up!" Emily exclaimed embarrassedly. Cal was just glad she had gotten over him and moved on and had stuck to her plans to stay on the East Coast. He didn't relish the idea of _his_ daughter following a boy across the country, or having to fly a million miles just to see her.

"Here," Cal held out an envelope to his daughter. He hated that Zoe was there and even more that Roger was there but he had to concede that Roger was family now, had been for a while, and he had to get over himself. What he wanted was to say goodbye in private. But when it came to Zoe he didn't get what he wanted unless he played games with her. And Gillian didn't want him to play games anymore. For Emily's sake. Fair point.

"What's this?"

"Somethin' for the road."

Emily peered inside, saw the notes and looked up at him surprised. "Dad," she started.

"It's for the road luv," Cal repeated forcing the envelope closer to her chest. Not only was he giving her cash, but he planned on making weekly deposits to her bank account too. Just in case.

Zoe was waiting against the car; the driver's door was open in anticipation. Roger stood in front of her. Their heads were close, murmuring to each other while they waited. There wasn't exactly a time limit on this goodbye, but Cal could tell from her choice of position that she wanted him to get it over with quickly. Like ripping off a band aid. Zoe was an advocate for sudden breaks not lingering farewells. Which explained why she had just packed her bags and left him one day instead of trying to talk to him about how she was feeling. One more opposite to Gillian.

Gillian had come over to Cal's that morning to say her goodbyes. There had been tears and Cal had felt a weird sensation in his chest, seeing his girlfriend and daughter having a cry together, telling each other they would miss each other. He had to concede they had gotten close.

"Well, thanks," Emily said awkwardly. He had never been one to give her money without strings attached.

Cal wished he was going too but somehow it had turned into a mother/daughter rite of passage and he was excluded. If Emily had been a boy would he have gotten the honours? He wondered if he could have done more as a father. He had been too protective at times and had pushed Emily away a lot. It was Gillian, not Zoe, though she tried, who had convinced him to be more human around his daughter. It had been successful too but probably too little, too late.

Emily folded the envelope and tucked it into the back of her jeans. Then she seemed at a loss as to what to do. Cal had to agree, this wasn't goodbye forever but he wasn't going to see her for a while. His baby girl was going off to college.

"So good luck with school," Cal told her. "I'm proud of you luv."

"Thanks Dad."

"Call me and let me know when you're settled."

"I will," Emily promised sincerely. "You take care of yourself Dad."

Cal gave a wry grin.

"And Gillian. Take care of her too. I'll be home in the holidays to make sure you haven't messed it up," she warned lightly but Cal could see a seriousness in her eyes he didn't have the heart to laugh at.

"Don't worry about me luv."

Emily rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Maybe sometime you could come up and see where I live?"

"Yeah," Cal agreed. "I'll make sure to do that."

Emily gave him a hug. "Then I'll see you later."

"Yeah," Cal rubbed her back. His baby girl, flying the coop. Hard to believe it had been eighteen years.

Zoe gave him a sympathetic wave over her shoulder as they drove away. Roger had already gone inside so Cal stood alone on the pavement, watching the SUV turn the corner before walking to his car on the side of the street. He half expected Gillian to be home when he got there, but her car was gone and his house was silent. He wasn't sure how to feel. His daughter had moved out. Her room would be kept for her, but most of her things had gone with her to Harvard. The house felt empty even if she had only lived with him part time. He called Gillian.

"Did she get away ok?"

"Yeah."

"That's good."

"I was half expectin' you to be here when I got home."

"I didn't know how long you were going to be."

Cal could hear a strangeness in her tone. "Are we all right?"

"Sure, why wouldn't we be?"

Cal could think of a lot of reasons but he couldn't begin to guess at the answer, not unless she was in front of him. "Because at the party you said you were annoyed and we'd talk late-a. This is late-a."

"I've always been open to talking Cal."

"So let's talk."

"What are we going to talk about?"

Cal suspected he should know the answer to this question. It was one of those 'if-you-don't-get-it-right-I'm-not-going-to-tell-you' questions. It was a very unlike Gillian question.

"Will you have dinna with me?"

"Sure," Gillian said while her tone responded that she was neutral about it, probably leaning towards a 'no'.

"Unless you want some space?" Cal hedged.

"How about tomorrow night?"

Cal was surprised by the suggestion, and how readily she agreed to it, even though there had been something strange between them in the last month. Gillian had always been happy to spend time with him. And now she was being distant and weird. He actually worried as he hung up the phone.


	31. Chapter 31

Gillian dressed up for their dinner date the following night but Cal knew it wasn't merely about impressing him. She didn't have to do much to do that anyway. She liked to dress up, that's why she did it. He picked her up but instead of heading towards the car, he slipped his hand into hers and they strolled casually down the road to her favourite restaurant. If she was surprised by the gesture, Gillian didn't indicate it. She hadn't said much, in fact, most of the evening. And Cal, never feeling the need to fill a silence, sat and watched her. There was more going on in his head anyway. He was trying to second guess what was bothering her so much while also trying to work up the courage to ask her something important. And all the while something hung in the air making any launch into heavy conversation difficult. Public places weren't always the greatest setting either. Cal was re-thinking the dinner idea also thought she might have moved on from whatever was bothering her during the day and yesterday. They never spent a day apart; during the week they were at work and on the weekends they almost always stayed over. Cal had found it to be a long and restless wait until the evening. But Gillian obviously hadn't. She was still quiet and reserved and that made what he wanted to talk about harder to broach. He had hoped dinner would have softened her up.

"Do you want dessert?" Cal asked as the waiter departed with their empty plates. He expected a 'yes'.

"No," Gillian responded lightly. "I'm ok."

Cal didn't believe her. When the waiter returned, he ordered two cheesecakes to go. Cheesecake was one of her favourites and whether she liked it or not, if they went home empty handed she would regret it later. The waiter nodded to Cal and stole a glance at Gillian's chest, which Cal thought was too obvious, and a bit of a bloody cheek considering they were on a date, but Gillian didn't notice. Apparently there was something interesting about the table cloth.

Gillian was beautiful because her eyes were a clear blue and she had the cutest dapple of freckles across her nose, a trait that didn't belong on an adult. It made her seem fun and youthful, and that was backed up by an easy, quick but genuine smile. She kept her hair above her shoulders because there was no weight to it and, she claimed, nothing else she could do with it. But Cal liked it that length because it added an attractive maturity that long hair would have diminished. The most striking quality about Gillian Foster was that she exuded warmth; a positivity that drew people to her. She was quick to smile but she meant it every time and her eyes would always glow with a joy that radiated all around her. She was kind, deep to her soul, but strong in a steady, unfaltering way that commanded respect and admiration. She was in every way feminine, aware of it and unashamed of who she was. She was friendly always, easy to talk to, but never about herself. Many men fell for Gillian but she rarely let anyone get too close. Not until she had met Cal.

She had let Cal in even when he didn't reciprocate. In that way, she figured, on some level, that maybe she had been attracted to him from the moment they met. He had been intriguing, the enigma to unravel and she had been curious to see how much of himself he would let her see. It hadn't been much, but she knew it was more than others got, and so she took that and treasured it because it was for her and her alone. That was something special. Cal drew people to him like a very strong magnet. It was purposeful, even if he proclaimed his distaste, because he wanted to see everything in everyone else. He had a fascination with humanity. And because he clammed up, he excited other people's interest. Women were attracted to him because he was strong, magnetic, masculine in a subtle but sure way and incredibly intelligent. They were interested because he wasn't. And women loved a man who played hard to get.

Dessert arrived in plastic containers. "Shall we go then?" Cal asked Gillian because she was still silent and it was starting to unnerve him. He hated that he was being played, and he knew that she was playing with him and that was not like her. She gave him a consenting nod and smile. It was warm outside, no need for coats but Cal helped Gillian with her light cardigan, acting out the gentleman, as he had always tried to be. Maybe he had failed in that sense without realising it? He had never worried before. About a relationship. Even with Zoe, when it was all falling apart, she fought with him and he could read her so easily so he knew where he stood; she had never learnt to hide her emotions from him very well.

Gillian reached for his hand as they walked back to the house and it made his nervous stomach squirm. Cal was not sure he could call it _her_ house, his name was still, technically, on the deed. But he took the hand holding as a good sign. Her hand was cold though. Cal carried the desserts and could feel Gillian eyeing them as they walked slowly along, in no hurry to go anywhere. The sky was clear but they couldn't see stars over the streetlights. The talk at dinner had centred on Emily's departure and new life as a mostly fledged adult. Now it seemed they had exhausted conversation in all degrees.

"Are we gonna talk?" Cal asked, hating that he had to. He was far more stubborn than she was but he was way more afraid he was losing her; enough to swallow his pride and ask directly if he had to. It didn't seem he was going to get a nice easy opening. Gillian was purposefully keeping clear of them. She was forcing his hand.

Gillian unlocked the front door. Cal had a key. He had never given it back and he had never used it; she had never mentioned it. She turned to him, mildly aggressive and mildly indifferent. That meant she was annoyed but was trying to pretend that she actually wasn't. "Do you want to talk?"

"I wanna talk about what's botherin' you so much," Cal answered trying to keep the irritation out of his tone; he didn't like how she was behaving at all. If he had done something she should just be an adult about it and tell him.

"We can talk about whatever you want to," Gillian said.

"Don't be passive aggressive with me," Cal told her off.

Gillian went inside and Cal followed her. He let the door swing back too hard and it slammed loudly. He saw Gillian jump as she walked down the hallway and felt bad. He wasn't so angry he was having a tantrum and he didn't want her to be afraid. Being in the house flooded him with memories of them together, of this being _their_ home. He hadn't been back since he moved out. Gillian had shifted things around to fill the absence of his possessions. It was strange and yet familiar in a way that Cal found a little calming. Gillian went to the kitchen and dumped her purse on the bench; she was slipping out of her cardigan again when Cal came into the room. He placed the plastic takeaway containers on the bench next to her and then moved to stand on the opposite side of the island. He kept his sports coat on, despite the warmth, to minimise movement, not because he was planning on a hasty exit.

"Why were you so mad at me at the party?"

Gillian stared at him for a moment, then looked as though she didn't want to answer.

"What did I do?" Cal pressed. "I did somethin' right?" He could see the flicker on her face before she had a chance to answer. "Was it at the party?" He thought quickly; he was guessing. Gillian's face told him 'no'. "So it was before that." Gillian fixed him with a glare. He was not supposed to play these games with her. But Cal couldn't place a finger on anything in particular. He felt worried, scared even, by her persistent tight-lips. "Are you breakin' it off with me?" He took a wild chance.

"What?" Gillian looked alarmed. "No."

Cal could see that was clearly the truth.

"I thought you were breaking up with _me_," she added softly.

Cal was surprised by her answer but he didn't show her that. It was his normal defence. But he _was_ concerned when he saw tears spring into her eyes. She tried to blink them away but the action didn't stop the tip of her nose from suddenly turning pink. "Why would you think that?" He asked gently.

"Oh I don't know Cal, because you're so distant all the time," Gillian expounded with sarcastic frustration.

"Distant?" Cal asked surprised. He honestly didn't know what she was talking about and his mind continued to work overtime to figure it out. He must have done something in the past few months...

"Yeah distant," Gillian insisted but didn't explain, didn't elaborate. Cal gave a slight frown and Gillian suddenly felt inarticulate. This would be easier with someone else because she could just tell them they were wrong and back up her accusations with examples of behaviour. But Cal was too smart for that and he was skilled at denial and hiding from her. He always did enough to cover his ass; talked to her enough so she couldn't accuse him of ignoring her, was affectionate enough so she couldn't accuse him of not being so, thoughtful enough to cover the moments when he was selfish. How frustrating! How was she going to proceed now? Especially if Cal got defensive. He would never listen to her then.

They were silent for a long moment, while Gillian kicked herself over and over and Cal grew more and more annoyed.

"I don't know what you're talkin' about," Cal told her, barely moving his mouth, talking through his teeth and glaring at her over the kitchen counter.

Gillian looked away. "Don't worry about it."

"Hey now, don't do that. I _do_ worry about it," Cal moved. Gillian watched him out of the corner of her eye until he was standing in front of her. "_Are_ we breakin' up?" It wasn't an accusation. He was asking. Were they?

She looked him in the eye and saw raw fear and it startled her so much she started to cry again. "_Are_ we? Because it _feels_ like it. It feels like it," she asked him, completely unsure and completely confused. She wanted to talk to him but was afraid she was going to push him away. Yet, if they didn't talk, they were going to drift further apart. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a precipice and she hated that she was gauging how she should feel from his demeanour. Their relationship was not a healthy one right now. She thought she had nipped this in the a year ago, when they had first started to get back together, but the truth was, she wasn't happy and she was done with pretending that everything was fine. She was done with trying to smooth it over in the hope that it would right itself. It had been a year. It was fair enough to say the problem had not spontaneously solved itself.

Cal gave her an expression of angry concern. "Fuck's sake Gillian, we are too old and too well educated to be playin' fuckin' games, so what? What did I do that you don't wanna talk to me about because you're so afraid that I'm gonna be offended and storm out the door?" He half gestured toward the exit.

Gillian was surprised by his intuition even though she shouldn't have been. He was always watching, always guessing, always seeing what she thought he was clueless about. Why hadn't he seen this? Or had he? He only swore when he was highly emotional.

"I'm not goin' anywhere. I promised you, you promised me, I'm a grown up, so let's hear it," he got a little closer to her, calming his tone. "I want to hear it."

"I feel like you're avoiding me."

"Not intentionally."

"So you know you are?"

Cal looked surprised. Gillian was amazed he had walked into that. Or maybe he was surprised by her retort. Or maybe she was over thinking everything right now.

"I guess on some level I'm aware I'm keepin' you at arm's length," Cal admitted. "But I can't tell you why I do it though." He shifted his weight to lean a hip against the bench.

"Is it because of last year?" Gillian asked, thinking that was the only event in their relationship that had ever caused them tension. In two and a bit years, that was not a bad record. Cal's face hardened on reflex, he knew immediately what she was talking about and Gillian knew she had struck a chord. Cal was getting predictable; or was it that she was figuring him out? "Are you going to stop punishing me for that?" She asked gently.

Cal looked surprised again and let her see it. "I'm not punishin' you."

"But it's about last year," Gillian clarified. She continued before Cal could say anything, "Please tell me you're not punishing yourself."

"I'm not punishin' anyone," Cal told her. "I'm…" he hesitated hating that he was putting himself in a vulnerable position, even though he knew Gillian liked it when he showed he was human. He suspected it was important; to her and their relationship. She waited for him to finish. "I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you and I can't deal with that."

"So you push me away first?"

"Quite the cliché huh?"

Gillian gave a small smile.

"What's funny?" Cal demanded.

Gillian's smile deepened. "We're both aware of the irrationality of that and yet we still do it."

"I guess we're not completely immune."

Gillian reached out and put a hand on his arm. "I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that, remember?" In fact, they had had this exact conversation. So why were they having it again? Why was Cal having such a hard time with this?

"It destroyed me last time," Cal admitted, looking her clear in the eye.

"I know," Gillian said softly. "I've never seen you that low."

"Well don't stay with me for my sake."

Gillian laughed again. "Believe me, I don't."

Cal smiled but tried to cover it with mock irritation.

"I know you're hurting but I mean it, I'm not going anywhere. Please don't shut me out," Gillian said seriously. Ok, she almost pleaded.

Cal gave her a steady gaze. "I'll try not to."

Gillian smiled cynically. "I'll take that." She gave his arm a squeeze and removed her hand. It wasn't enough, but she wasn't sure she could ask for more. She should ask for more. She should. She was going to.

"Will you do somethin' for me?"

Gillian raised her eyebrows in answer, not promising anything and covering her surprise at the same time.

"Stop feelin' guilty."

"I don't," she tried to deny.

"Yeah you do. I see it."

"Of course you do," Gillian muttered looking away to the right.

"Us breakin' up was not your fault."

"Wasn't your fault either."

"All right," Cal conceded quickly. "Neitha of us ended it." Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression. "Do you know what I wish?"

"What's that?"

"I wish I'd met you twenty years early-a. Before you'd met Alec. I would have had kids with you. Even if Sophie had still happened. I would have kept on tryin'. I wish I could give that to you."

He looked so sincere Gillian felt the need to cry again. She could feel her lips tremor. Cal reached for her, pulling her in against his chest and holding her gently. "You can be incredibly sweet when you want to."

Cal gave a 'hmph' in response, but he didn't say anything.

When he was, it was incredible to be around. She loved that. She missed that. She wanted that back. And she wanted to tell him that, but she didn't want to tell him he wasn't good enough right now. She wanted more, but she couldn't say that what they had now wasn't satisfactory.

"Cal, I love you," Gillian started, talking to his neck. "And I love being with you. And we've been incredible together, in the past. But I feel like things have changed and I can't keep going on like this. Maybe we ruined it."

Cal pulled her back a little to see her face and she wasn't surprised; she knew how he operated. And ok, she could say while looking him in the eye. She had the courage to start, she had the courage to finish. As scary as it was.

"Maybe we're better off apart."

"Don't say that," Cal interrupted, looking pained.

"I'm so scared we're falling out of love."

Cal looked alarmed at that statement and his grip on her arms tightened.

"I don't want that though. I don't want us to just slowly drift further and further apart until we wake up one day and realise it's over again."

Cal swallowed.

"But I can't keep being the one to push us to be closer, to talk about things. Because if I'm always the one who does that it's not fair. I'll always be the one fighting alone. Our relationship won't be equal. I feel like when I reach out to you, you're looking the other way. And when you reach out to me, I don't understand that that's what you're doing. We didn't used to be like that."

"I get it," Cal murmured. "I know. I'm sorry. I've just been..."

Gillian watched him struggle for words.

"I don't know what I've been," Cal tried again. "Scared too, I guess, that we're not... The same. That it's changed. That we can't pick up where we left off." He gave a kind of shrug. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes."

He waved a hand with a slight smile. "I said this before. I just... that's how I protect myself."

Gillian nodded, placed a hand on his chest, just above his heart. "I know."

"I'll... work on it all right?"

Gillian nodded. It didn't feel like an empty promise. "Will you stay tonight?" She asked softly. Cal glanced at the room cynically. "This is your place too," Gillian told him. Cal gave her an expression that said he strongly disagreed. "You said you'd move back in."

"I said I'd think about it," Cal countered, a hard edge entering his tone even as he tried to fight it off.

Gillian stared at him for a second and he held her gaze. He meant what he said. He would think about it. "Why do you resist it so much?"

Cal gave her an expression that warned her to back off but she wouldn't. She couldn't. She was scared. "If you're not punishing me and you promise me you won't keep me at arm's length, what's bothering you so much about this house? Do you hate it that much?"

"It's not that luv."

"Then what is it?" Gillian asked a little too loudly, her defences back on the rise, the fear back that he was just keeping distance between them and that he was lying to her about how he really felt.

"It reminds me of last year."

Gillian almost scoffed but stopped herself. If she ridiculed him, that would make him turn and run. She knew him well enough to know that. "Do you want to find another house?"

"Nah."

Gillian challenged him with her eyes to elaborate on that.

"You love this house."

"I loved this house more when it was _our_ house," Gillian said sadly. "It sucks being here on my own without you."

Cal took a step backward. "Look, Gill, I get that, all right? I do. But I can't really think about this right now."

"Why not?" Gillian pushed. She couldn't help herself.

Cal stepped back, away from her, running a hand through his hair. "Because I've had a lot of my plate in the last few weeks. Can you just please give me some space?"

"Space," Gillian repeated. How had they gone from 'I'll work on it', 'I don't want to do this on my own', 'I feel like we're drifting apart' to 'time apart?' Wasn't that just the complete opposite of everything?

"How much space do you want Cal?"

"Just give me a few days to think about things."

He suddenly looked desperate and Gillian couldn't help but feel like she was being an unreasonable, demanding bitch. But he was bringing out that panic that he was going to leave and not ever come back. The more he resisted, the more she wanted to cling on to him. Her training as a psychologist told her that was absolutely the wrong thing to do. And yet he was putting her in an impossible position. She couldn't' give him an ultimatum, she wouldn't. But she had just opened up and told him how she felt about things and his response was 'I need space'. It didn't bode well. In fact, it was pretty fucking shitty.


	32. Chapter 32

"You know I'm not a trained therapist." Reluctance.

"You're the closest thing I've got to one."

"Well." A sigh and a shifting in his seat. "I'm not sure what you're asking."

"For your advice."

"I'm supposed to be advising on matters of the soul. This is not what this service is for."

"I thought you were supposed to be a friend to those in need."

Another sigh. "Do you not have friends you can talk to about this?"

"Nah."

"I don't believe that. You have friends you go to bars with or watch football?"

"I don't watch football and I don't go to bars."

"I find that hard to believe. Who do you talk to besides me?"

"I talk to her."

"She's your closest friend?"

"She's my only friend."

"Is that not answer enough right there?"

Cal thought about that. It was probably very true. "That's very insightful of you Fartha."

"Well, I feel I know you somewhat. You come every week and I know it's you because of your accent."

He might not be able to see the Father's face, but he could hear his voice very clearly and there was still enough pride in there to make Cal inadvertently smile. Wasn't pride one of the deadly sins? "And what about my otha issue?"

"Well." Another uncomfortable shift. "I'm not one to pretend to know…"

'_Yeah, yeah, yeah_,' Cal thought. '_I'm not one to take advice from a Catholic priest eitha and yet here I am_.' Because he really didn't have anyone to talk to and he couldn't very well talk to his best friend about his girlfriend when they were the same person. The weekly thing was new though. As far as Cal could figure, he was allowed space, no questions asked, no pressure, so long as he was sorting his shit out. And he was trying very hard to sort his shit out.

"The Bible teaches us about self-sacrifice…"

"Yeah, but what's _your_ opinion?" Cal interrupted clearly. Sometimes he wasn't sure whether he went to confession to really purge his sins or more to mess with the priests and their relatively sheltered lives. There were three in this church who regularly took confession and all three of them had at times been flustered with Cal's theories on religion, life and the priesthood. He had never been asked to leave but he was sure they wanted to. But this was therapy in a way, definitely a sounding board, because Cal figured a church was one of the few places Gillian would actually know someone. He was talking to Michael at the moment, the youngest and newest recruit to St Christopher's.

"A man of your calibre," Michael tried again and stopped.

There was more of a challenge in his guessing games without seeing someone's face. Cal often watched videos without the sound because the words were superfluous. This was a nice test, a change to the norm. Gillian never forgot a voice. Cal could only recognise one he had heard many times. But he could still hear hints of deceptions, annoyances, pride and excitement. He had had fun with the priests; especially Frank, because he had quite the sordid past, enough to make Cal's seem angelic, excuse the pun.

"Look if it was me," Michael's voice got closer but lowered in volume. "I would move in with her in a heartbeat."

"If you met someone like her you'd be out of the church in an instant," Cal told him.

"I would. Your missus sounds hot, I'd do her in an instant, would probably never leave her alone."

Cal smiled again. Who was confessing to whom now?

"Man, if I could find someone like that, who actually genuinely loved me and I could tell if she was lying to me like you can, I'd stick a ring on her finger and keep her forever."

"Is that the official policy of the church?" Cal teased in a serious tone.

"Between you and me," Michael gave a brief pause and then carried on. "I'd marry her so she would be mine forever."

"Aren't you supposed to be condonin' the union of one man and one woman in God's eyes?"

Michael pulled away. "You asked me for my opinion," he sounded offended.

"Nah, I am," Cal backtracked. "I am. You make a good point Fartha. I feel the same way."

"Then why are you asking me?"

"Just thought I'd get a second opinion."

"If you're so worried about marriage you should talk to Father O'Brien."

'_What a cliché_," Cal thought of the man who was the head of this church, with whom he had never sat in the confessional booth with. "I'm not worried. I've been married before. I know what it involves."

"Oh, how did that work out?" Michael asked politely.

Cal almost laughed aloud. "It didn't," he answered dryly. He looked at his watch. "I have to go."

"Ok, well, remember to thank God for his wisdom."

"I'll make sure of that," Cal lied easily. He whipped aside the curtain and sprung from the booth. He was in a good mood tonight. There was a cool breeze coming off the river but it was welcome against the sticky warmth of late summer. It was late but he didn't go home. He went to Gillian's. Or their house. Nah, that sounded weird. It was Gillian's place. He knocked on her door. The outside light came on a few seconds later and then the lock clicked in the frame.

"What are you doing here?" Gillian asked with a slight frown. Was that in reference to the late hour, or the fact he never knocked on her door? She was wearing jeans and a tight tank top.

Cal immediately imagined what was underneath her clothes; not that that top left much for his imagination. Gillian stepped aside to let him in. "That breeze is nice." She slowly closed the door behind him.

"Hm," Cal answered, watching as Gillian leaned over to turn the light out again instead of just stepping closer to it. Her shirt rode up a little, exposing the smooth expanse of the small of her back. He wanted to touch her; instead he gave her the plastic bag that was in his hand.

"What's this?"

"Me not showin' up empty handed," he responded. He walked down the hallway. Gillian followed him to the kitchen. She had an excited smile on her face, the one Cal associated with her joy for chocolate. "Want a cocoa?" he asked reaching to fill the gas kettle.

"Cocoa," Gillian giggled. "I love that."

"Hot chocolate then," Cal answered, sounding purposefully irritated.

"I'd love a cocoa."

Cal smiled at the tap while he filled the kettle. Then he lit the gas and set it to boil. He moved around the kitchen instinctively to make himself tea and her chocolate drink. He could hear her behind him, getting a spoon from the drawer for her dessert. When he had cups ready and waiting for hot water he turned back to her. She was savouring her treat, slowing sucking the pudding off the teaspoon; teaspoons were smaller and so the dessert would last longer, it was an interesting logic. She gave him a smile. "So, what's going on?"

"Nothin'," Cal gave a shrug. Gillian gave him an expression that said she didn't believe in his answer. "Just thought I'd stop by." He could see down her front!

"And you happened to be out and about at this time of night?" She glanced at the clock displayed on the wall above the sink.

"Yep," Cal responded. "You weren't goin' to bed were you?"

"Was thinking about it," Gillian admitted.

"Would you like me to leave?"

"Of course not."

The kettle started to sing. Cal poured water and returned the milk to the fridge. He carried both mugs through to the living room, following Gillian who had cushions piled in front of the empty fireplace. Cal set the drinks carefully on the coffee table, peeled off his thin jersey and sat cross legged in front of her on the carpet. Gillian watched him amused while she spooned another small morsel into her mouth. She sucked the spoon, observing silently until he was settled then she removed it. "What's going on with you?" She asked with good-natured suspicion.

"Nothin'," Cal repeated. Again Gillian didn't believe him. Cal pushed the sleeves of the baseball-style shirt he was wearing to his elbows, revealing the tattoo on his right forearm. Gillian had to admit, she found them kind of sexy, all of his pieces of body art. She took another spoonful of pudding. Cal reached for his mug and handed the chocolate one to Gillian. She set it on the floor next to her.

"Did you get the gardenin' done?" Cal carried on casual conversation.

"Mm," Gillian responded distractedly scraping down the sides of the plastic pottle. It was a shame there wasn't more. She looked up. "I did." Then she gave a slight frown. "You were listening when I was rambling on about what my plans for this afternoon were?"

"I always listen to you."

Gillian thought about scoffing but then had to concede that with Cal, that was probably true. "What about your afternoon?"

"I worked," Cal responded a little bashfully.

"Tell me you didn't go in to the office."

"I worked from home."

"Cal."

"Yeah I know. I have no life. Don't worry, Emily informs me often."

The time they were having apart actually seemed to be a good thing. Cal was interested to see what she did with those moments when she wasn't at work and not with him. Gardening today, last weekend she said she babysat for Kate and her brother Matthew. Cal and Gillian were talking more. And talking properly. He had asked why the party had been the final straw, still convinced he had done something specifically to piss her off. In fact, the argument had been a long time coming, Cal just hadn't seen it. Gillian had been trying to reconnect with him for months after they got back together and he had been distracted all the time, possibly sub-consciously hedging his bets. She had accused him of being distant and she had been right. His day dreaming at the party, coupled with his re-formed habit of reading her facial expressions, had finally just pissed her off; he had asked her to wait until Emily left home. She was leaving home and he never said a word to Gillian about their relationship, about moving back in together, none of it; she wanted him to want to talk about it. It had been a trigger for a much bigger problem and empowered her to finally do something about it. She had been pretending everything was fine, hoping that if she tried enough, that if she gave it enough time that it eventually would be. So much more logical now Cal could see it in hindsight.

"Do I dare ask what were you working on?" Gillian queried wearily.

"It might be somethin' you'd be interested in."

Gillian raised her eyebrows at him, set the pottle on the coffee table and picked up her mug, cupping it in her hands as though it were an important source of heat, even though it was one of those disgustingly warm nights.

"Love."

"Love?" Gillian repeated, startled, amused. A softness hit her blue eyes that Cal found intriguing.

"Yeah, expressions of love. I've never looked into it. Can you tell if someone is genuinely 'in love' by lookin' at them; does it change the way our facial muscles react?"

Gillian gave him a slight smile. "Sounds interesting. Would you not have to first prove that there is such a thing as being 'in love'? Doesn't science explain that it's really just a hormonal reaction to an outside stimulus?"

"And in most cases people who think they are in love are really just in lust and the drug wears off afta two years. The 'matin' hormone."

"That draws to people to each other for two years, until the mother is capable of continuing to raise the offspring on her own."

Cal nodded. "But what about those people who stay married for twenty years, fifty years?"

"I don't know anyone who has actually been married for twenty years, let alone fifty years."

Cal had to concede that he didn't either, although it he knew it did happen. His mother died before his parents had the chance. Gillian's parents were divorced. Her father's fault apparently.

"Don't tell me you, of all people, love-a of romance novels, are completely cynical about love?"

"I'm not," Gillian answered. "But you and I are both from failed marriages and yet we've been together for two and a half years. Sort of. So what does that say about us?"

"We're doomed?" Cal asked sounding light but actually wondering what her answer would be. He didn't feel that way about her at all. Not even close. He wasn't anywhere near being over her.

"Maybe that puts us in that small percentage of people who are actually 'in love'?"

"You believe that?"

"Yes I do. I can tell by the way you look at me." She gave him a knowing smile. More a smirk. That made Cal feel better. He felt they would be ok.

He smirked then shrugged. "I was just jottin' down ideas."

Gillian nodded and sipped her drink. "Are you going to disappear to Papa New Guinea for research?"

"I was thinkin' Africa or maybe somewhere in Northern Asia."

Gillian's amusement faltered for a second at his serious expression. Then she seemed to change the subject in her head. "Did you hear from Emily?"

"Not yet. I said I'd call her tomorrow."

"Hard to believe she's been gone a month. I keep coming over and expecting her to be there."

Cal watched her muse and sipped his tea. Raspberry and lemon. An interesting combination. He kept forgetting to bring a supply of normal tea bags over. Gillian finished her drink and again reached over to set it on the coffee table. Her shirt lifted up to reveal smooth skin once more. Cal watched her impassively despite wanting to touch her again. "I've been thinkin'."

Gillian gave him an inquisitive expression.

"About your name."

"Oh?" Gillian asked surprised, clearly not the topic she had been expecting from him. She hugged her knees where she sat. "I haven't really thought any more about it." She frowned, thinking now. "I know you like the name Foster but is my maiden name so bad?" She gave a slight smile, clearly amused about Cal's opinion on the matter.

Cal gave her a grin. "I was wonderin' how you would feel about changin' it to Lightman?"

"Lightman?" Gillian echoed with feigned, amused, disgust. "Why would I change it to Lightman?" She paused for a second. Then she looked him in the eye, "unless… you're?" She stopped. Hesitated. She tried to read his face for an indication either way; it was blank. She went still. "Wait, what are you really asking me?" She started to doubt even as she started to put two and two together.

Cal gave her a smile. He loved the way her mind worked. "I'm askin' you to marry me." Gillian didn't vocally respond; her mouth dropped open a little. She stared at him for a second, then closed her mouth. Her mouth twitched into a smile that disappeared as quickly as it came. Cal saw it though, knew her answer and felt his chest swell with joy. "I know we talked about marriage before," Cal started his rehearsed speech softly. "But I want to be your husband and I want to look afta you, like you look afta me, and I want the honour of bein' able to call you my wife."

"What brought this on?" Gillian asked.

"I keep thinkin' about when we were apart last year."

"Cal," Gillian began to interrupt.

"No, no, no, let me finish. I keep thinkin' about how easy it was to just walk away. You know? Just pack up my stuff and walk back into my old life and pick it up where it left off and I keep thinkin' that is so wrong. It shouldn't be so easy. It _wasn't_ easy," he hurriedly went on. "It left a big hole in my heart. The point is, I don't want to be apart from you. I don't want my life to be so simple. I want to fight for you. I want to prove that I'm right for you, everyday if I have to."

Gillian was amazed. He was not prone to speeches and certainly not about how he was feeling and definitely not about what he was thinking. So she let him talk and then he paused and tilted his head slightly to read her reaction and she knew it was time to cut in. "I would be honoured if you would marry _me_."

Cal gave a quick grin. "So that's a 'yeah'?"

"That's a definite 'yeah'," Gillian broke into a quick wide smile. She leaned forward and hugged him around the shoulders, as he reached forward to do the same thing. Then she pulled back to kiss him. Cal kissed her back warmly. "One thing though."

"What's that luv?"

"Will you move in?"

"Of course."

She kissed him. "Will you stay over?" She murmured against his mouth.

"Of course."

She kissed him again. "Are you going to agree to anything I suggest right now because you're deliriously happy I said yes?'

"Of course."

Gillian laughed, her blue eyes meeting his, bright and warm. "Oh the power. I don't know what to do with it."

"I can think of a few things," Cal muttered. He kissed her this time.

Gillian grinned. "I'd love to be a Lightman by the way."

Zoe had never changed her name.

**PJ**

Gillian snuggled closer, despite the fact it really was too warm to be lying so close. They had nothing on but the bed sheet. "Are we really doing this?"

Cal thought of a few snide comments but instead answered in the topic he knew she was talking about. "Yeah."

"I'm not dreaming?"

"Nope."

Gillian hugged him closer. At least neither of them had clothes on. They might have died of heat exhaustion. He might have anyway; Gillian didn't seem to mind the heat.

"I'll get you a ring."

"I don't want a ring."

"Really?" Cal was actually surprised.

Gillian shifted her head to look him in the eye. Her blue eyes sparkled. Cal found it hard not to smile. "I don't need an engagement ring. My last husband gave me a ring and that didn't keep us together."

Cal wasn't sure he understood her logic. "You're sure about that?"

"Mh hmm."

"Then we should talk about settin' a date."

"Ok, how soon do you want to get married?" Gillian shifted her head back to its original position on his shoulder.

"Soona ratha than late-a."

"Next month?"

"Um," Cal started to answer. Gillian laughed easily. "You're havin' too much fun with this," Cal told her gently.

"How about spring sometime? I love spring."

That wasn't an understatement. Any sunny day gave Gillian a sunnier-than-usual disposition.

"Spring's fine," Cal agreed. That was a good ten months away. Plenty of time. "May?"

"Sure. I'll have to consult my schedule on a specific weekend."

Cal smiled to himself.


	33. Chapter 33

"So Dad, what's new with you? You settled back in your old place?"

"Yeah I'm settled."

"Does that mean Gillian unpacked all your things?"

"Yeah it does," Cal admitted.

"Are you there right now?"

"What is this? Twenty questions?"

"So I should delete your old number from my phone?" Emily went on.

"I'm not sure if that school of yours is teachin' you to be smart or a smart arse."

"I've always been a smart ass. I get that from you."

"Nah, you get that from your mutha."

Emily laughed lightly.

"How is your mutha by the way?"

"She's fine."

"That's good to hear."

Gillian waved that she was going out. Cal gave her a nod from where he perched on a kitchen chair. Gillian walked away and Cal took a second to watch her depart in jeans. It was good to be back. It was even better to wake every morning with her right there next to him. "I have news to share actually," Cal added to his daughter on the phone. He got up and headed to the front of the house to watch Gillian pull out of the driveway.

"What's that?"

"I asked Gillian to marry me."

"You what?! No way!" Emily exclaimed loudly. The excitement in her voice was not hard to pick up. But Cal noted that it was definitely genuine. "What did she say?"

"She said yes obviously."

"Dad that's so awesome! Congratulations!"

"Thanks luv."

"When did this happen?"

"The otha day."

"And you're telling me now?" Emily told him off.

"You were busy."

"I'm teasing you," Emily told him.

Cal knew that. He smiled to himself as he looked out into the street. "I have somethin' else I want to run by you."

"Shoot."

"Will you stand at the alt-a with me?"

"Like your best man?"

"Somethin' like that yeah."

"Yeah Dad, I'd totally be honoured."

Cal smiled. "That's great. Thanks luv."

"But I'm not wearing a suit."

"Of course not."

**PJ**

"So have you told Mom?" Emily asked trying to sound like it was a casual question as she leaned against the bench in the kitchen. She reached out a hand to steal a stick of carrot that Cal had cut for their dinner.

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"Hasn't come up."

Emily studied him for a second. "You haven't talked to her at all since you got engaged?"

"Nah. Is that a problem?" He asked innocently.

"No," Emily gave a nonchalant shrug. "I guess you don't have any reason to talk anymore." She got a distant expression. "I guess it was inevitable."

"What was that?"

"That you would eventually have nothing to say to each other," Emily mused.

"Mmph," Cal responded. He wasn't sure about that, but with their daughter in another city he and Zoe had little reason to see each other at all these days, let alone talk. She hadn't even called on his services recently in a professional manner like she had been doing sporadically in the last few years. He turned to the stove to put the carrots in a pot of boiling water.

"When are you getting Gillian an engagement ring?" Emily changed the subject, talking around a mouthful of carrot.

"She doesn't want one."

"What?" Emily asked confused.

"She said she doesn't want one."

Emily's forehead wrinkled slightly. "Every woman _wants_ a ring Dad."

Cal saw she really meant that and doubted himself. Gillian had said she didn't want one. Her facial expressions had backed up her words. He thought he had read the situation correctly. Maybe he was wrong. He would have to ask again.

"Table is set," Gillian announced coming back into the room. Cal glanced at her for too long and she gave him a frown in response. "I'm not intruding am I?"

"Of course not," Emily told her good naturedly. "So have you guys set a date yet?"

"Cal," Gillian admonished.

"I was waitin' to tell her in person," Cal explained defensively. He turned to his daughter. "May twelfth." He caught the smile on Gillian's face out of the corner of his eye. Yeah, he felt like smiling when he thought about it too.

**PJ**

Gillian stared into the blue eyes of her nephew. He stared back at her, fisting pudgy fingers into her dress and drooling out of an open mouth. He was nine months old now, sitting up on his own, starting to cruise around the house by holding on to furniture, and freaking out when his mother left the room. She had read the baby development books when she had Sophie; she knew what was going on. And it was disturbing how easily she remembered all of it.

"Where are you seating your parents?"

"At the family table."

"You're not sitting your parents at the _same_ table are you?"

"Huh?" Gillian looked up at her sister-in-law.

"Don't you think it might be awkward?"

"In what way?" Gillian asked confused.

"Nothing," Kate responded. She gave a forced smile and looked down at the seating chart again. She had taken it upon herself to make one, having too much time on her hands during the day with her two elder daughters in school and day care respectively.

"What?" Gillian demanded.

"It's nothing."

"But you know something you don't want me to know."

Kate looked surprised. "I don't."

"Yes you do," Gillian told her gently. "Why won't you tell me? What's going on with Mom and Dad? Is it a secret?"

"Not really a secret, more speculation at this point."

"Why am I not involved in the speculation?"

Kate gave a glance to the side, telling Gillian that she was thinking about something else. "I didn't think it would be such a big deal."

That was probably true, but it was hard to tell from where Gillian was sitting in the armchair. She needed to get closer. Kate was on the couch, the A4 sized sheet of paper that was the seating chart for the wedding spread across her knees.

"If it involves my parents it's going to be a deal, maybe not a big one, but certainly of interest."

"Yeah," Kate sighed at the chart. "I think your Mom's seeing someone."

Gillian studied her maid-of-honour's face. "What makes you think that?"

"The usual signs, she's happy, she has other plans, there was a strange car parked in her driveway, a man answered her phone once and sounded awkward…"

Gillian had been preparing to dismiss the first reasons out of hand but the third one intrigued her and coupled with the fourth... "When was this?"

"A few weeks ago."

"What does Matthew think?"

"He said he didn't recognise the car."

That was completely unhelpful.

"Why would it be awkward then? If she wants to bring someone as a date that's completely fine."

"What about your Dad?"

"What about him?" Gillian asked sincerely. "He's been seeing women on and off for years. I'm sure he can deal with it. They've been divorced longer than they were married," she pointed out.

Kate's mouth gave a frown. "Good point," she said. The gesture outweighed the comment. She didn't agree with what Gillian said. Kate's parents were still together and she couldn't comprehend how a divorced family functioned, not even after being married to Matthew for nine years.

"I'm not going to not invite either of them. They are my parents. They were civil through my last wedding."

Kate gave a smile to the seating chart as she perused it, amused.

**PJ**

"Come with me."

"What for?" Cal asked looking perplexed.

"We're going to see my mother."

"Right now?"

"Yes."

"What for?"

"Lunch," Gillian told him from the doorway to the living room.

"And the real reason?" Cal read her deception easily.

"I want you to tell me if she's lying about something."

Cal knew he should object, reading her mother was surely out of bounds, but he liked playing detective. He stayed where he was sitting though, letting the sensible part of his brain convince him quickly that he should really, logically, refuse. Besides, he wanted more warning before having to deal with his in-laws. Like, three days written notice and a twenty-four hour objection window. "Why don't you just ask her?"

"Because you'll be able to tell better than me."

"You're quite capable."

"I'll ask the questions, you watch the deceptions."

"What's she lyin' to you about?" Cal got to his feet despite himself. They were making a plan and he was getting more interested.

"Kate thinks she's seeing someone."

"Why does that matta?"

"Because she hasn't mentioned it."

"You didn't tell her about us immediately."

"That's different. We were keeping it quiet."

"Maybe so is she."

"Well she's not being discrete. And besides, she hasn't dated anyone in years. So if she is, it's kind of a big deal."

"In a good way?"

"Yes in a good way," Gillian gave a slight smile. "Come on," she coaxed.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with interrogatin' your mutha."

"Don't pretend you don't love it," Gillian told him good-naturedly.

"Who says you haven't already?"

"Ouch," Cal started to object. "I was very well..."

Gillian stepped towards him with a placating hand to his chest. "When you met my father, did you not read him?"

Cal didn't answer. He didn't have to. And he tried hard not to react too much to the mention of her father either. Cal had made it clear to David that his intentions towards Gillian would lead to marriage. Even back then he had made up his mind to ask her.

"I'll be subtle I promise."

"All right then," Cal headed for the door. Gillian followed closely behind. "Does she know we're comin'?"

"I called her before. Said we had important news."

"You haven't told her yet?" Cal asked surprised.

"Yeah, well," Gillian stalled then pushed past him and disappeared out the front door.

**PJ**

"No, Dad, I'm not mad, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying, this is something you could have told me about."

Cal watched Gillian pace the living room. She was agitated even as she insisted she wasn't.

"Of course I'm happy that you're happy." A pause. "You don't think Matthew and I should know that our parents are back together? We could have saved on Christmas cards."

For a few months apparently. Her parents had been dating each other without anyone knowing. It was quite a commitment on David's part; he had been flying back to the East Coast once every two weeks. Cal had to smile at the Christmas card reference.

"Well…." She glanced at Cal and he knew he was being talked about. "Mm, I can concede that, but Cal's daughter knew almost from the start." She gave Cal a half-hearted shrug. He gave a quick reassuring up-turn of his lips. She could lie all she wanted to her father. That didn't concern him. Gillian turned back towards the windows.

**PJ**

Cal came into the room and hovered in front of where Gillian sat reading. It was Sunday, the one day Gillian insisted on doing nothing; no cleaning or housework, no other chores, no errands and definitely no work. She had a harder time trying to convince Cal to do the same. It was hard to get him to sit still. "What's this then?" He asked without any subtle build up to the conversation.

Gillian looked up startled, then she felt alarmed. Cal had found the seating chart Kate had been playing around with a few weeks ago. "Oh, um, that's Kate's." Gillian had forgotten about it and Kate must have snuck it into her bag along with the stack of wedding magazines she had also donated to the cause.

"Funny, cos it has our names at the top," Cal held it up so she could see. He got no answer so continued. "You're not makin' plans without me?"

"Of course not," Gillian marked her place in her book. "Kate was just playing around on her own."

"Did she make up a guest list for us too?"

"I was brainstorming," Gillian admitted stiltedly.

Cal dropped into his favourite chair and shifted until he was in a familiar comfortable slouch. "I guess we could talk about a guest list."

"Now?" Gillian closed her book.

Cal watched her, a strong glimmer of interest showed in her face. He had been procrastinating and she didn't want to push him. So she had said nothing and now it had been nearly a month with no wedding discussion at all, aside from setting the date. "Yeah now. Unless you're busy?"

"I'm not busy," Gillian stated the obvious. She placed the book on the couch cushion next to her. "I'm thinking something small."

"Perfect."

"Family, a few friends."

Cal nodded. "Church?"

"I thought we'd established neither of us holds much stock in God?"

"Nah I thought that was just me."

"I don't need a church wedding."

"Registry office?'

"Maybe something with a little bit of romance."

Cal gave a smirk.

"I saw that."

His grin widened in amusement. "What about a function hall?"

"For the reception, sure."

"Where do you want to get married?" Cal asked figuring it would be quicker than guessing.

"I dunno, I'd have to look at some suitable locations. Do you have anywhere in mind?"

Cal shook his head.

"Would you mind if I picked somewhere?"

Cal shook his head again. "So I take it we're not gonna need a priest?"

Gillian smiled. "I reckon a celebrant."

"What are they gonna do?"

"You know, take us through the vows."

"What vows?"

Gillian's light expression faltered. "What do you mean 'what vows'?"

"Why do we need vows?"

Gillian gave him a disturbed expression but he just stared back. "What?" She asked after a long pause.

"I just mean, makin' vows, it's a bit archaic don't you think?"

"Explain the reasoning behind that one."

Cal could see she was shocked but was trying to hear him out. He had to give her credit for that. Now he just needed to convince her of his sound argument. "I just mean, I made vows with Zoe and none of them worked out. All that 'through thick and thin' bollocks, 'til death do we part'."

"Bollocks?" Gillian repeated.

"Yeah. I mean, I promised to be with Zoe foreva and she promised certain things to me too and neitha of us kept them. I don't want to make promises to you that I can't keep."

"Do you foresee us getting divorced?" Gillian asked guardedly.

"No, I just mean, that you're divorced, I'm divorced, your parents are divorced, Ria's parents are divorced."

Gillian narrowed her eyes at him and cut him off. "What's your point?"

"Maybe foreva doesn't really mean forevea."

"Why are we getting married then?" Gillian asked with a hint of annoyance. Or anger. Probably hurt. Hard to tell without staring at her and he had agreed not to do that if he could help it. She had encouraged him to use his words once a long time ago and he tried to do that now.

"Because I _want_ it to be foreva with you, but the stats sort of suggest that it might not be that way."

"So when you proposed and you said that you didn't want it to be so easy to just walk away from our relationship, that you wanted to fight for me, what was that?"

"I meant that."

"Well then I'm confused." Gillian got up and approached. Cal uncrossed his leg and she sat in his lap. It was easier to read her now that she was closer without letting it slip that he was. She seemed tense, like she was holding onto a stress but was trying to hide it from him. "Were those not promises, vows?"

"Yeah," Cal conceded. "But they were for you."

"So this is about not making public declarations of love?"

Cal gave a little frown. "Not really."

Gillian suddenly looked amused. "You don't want to make public declarations because there's more to live up to that way."

"I don't see why it's anyone else's business anyway."

Gillian watched him for a moment, thinking. "This is a very strange conversation, even by your standards."

"I'm just sayin' we don't have anythin' to prove to anyone else."

"No we don't."

"I only have to promise you that I'll try my damndest." Cal paused. He looked up at her sincerely. "I have promised you that."

Gillian watched him for a moment longer, then she gave a small sigh. "Ok, so if we don't make vows to each other in public, then…"

Cal was surprised by her understanding what he was talking about and relenting, and had to check that she really was ok with that. Gillian laughed as he studied her, unable to help himself, knowing full well what he was doing. "You've never done things by the book, Cal. I shouldn't be surprised that you don't want to have a traditional wedding either. So let's make it special to us. That's what's important to me."

"I've already had a traditional wedding."

"Me too."

"I don't really want a second one."

Gillian pretended to think. "Me either," she said lightly with a slight smile.

"You're really all right with that?"

"Yes," Gillian insisted. "But you have to wear a suit ok? I'm not having you show up at the wedding in jeans."

Cal gave a short laugh. "I wouldn't dare."

"And you have to shave."

Cal nodded gravely.  
"And you have to get a haircut."

Cal pretended to consider that condition but, truth be told, he would have gone to get a haircut anyway. He gave another nod.

Gillian smiled down at him. "Good. So, if we're not having a wedding ceremony as such, we're just going to have a big party?"

Cal grinned. "You love a party."

"I do. And cake. And we _are_ having cake by the way."

"I can concede on the cake," Cal told her easily.

Gillian's smile suddenly widened.

"What?" Cal asked intrigued.

"I just realised, I can go cake testing."

"Oh God," Cal muttered.


	34. Chapter 34

"Are you nervous?"

"Nah. Do you think I should be?" Cal turned to look over his shoulder.

Emily was sitting on his bed, watching him put the finishing touches to his suit. She gave a shrug. "Not really. You're not going to make a dick of yourself at the altar or anything so I guess you don't have that to worry about."

Cal glanced at her reflection in the mirror. "Thanks luv."

Emily gave him a quick grin, that faltered just as easily as they heard a knock at the door. "I still can't believe Gillian caved on that. She's almost too good for you. You do realise that right?"

Cal turned again to give her a snide response but she slipped out of the room to get the door. The person knocked again. Then he could hear voices in the hallway; after a moment they took on a stressed edge. He tugged at his tie again, trying to get the knot to straighten, resigning himself to the fact that he was probably going to have to tie it again (maybe he was a little nervous), and moved to the door. Zoe and his daughter stood in the hallway. Zoe was her cool collected self, even if her facial features were set on edge slightly. Emily looked exasperated.

"What's goin' on?" Cal asked neutrally.

Both women turned to him. Zoe looked relieved; Emily guilty.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Zoe asked Cal, looking over the head of their daughter.

Cal fidgeted with his tie again. It seemed to have gotten tighter, he must have pulled it too much.

"Dad we don't have time, we have to get going," Emily told him pointedly, turning further around to almost plead. Her tone and demeanour made Cal hesitate but he gave a nod of consent to Zoe.

"In private?" Zoe asked.

Now Cal was suspicious and a voice told him it might in fact be wise to have a witness. Zoe was a world class game player and the fact that she was here, now, of all days, lead him to the reasonable conclusion that he probably wasn't going to like what she had to say. Actually he probably shouldn't listen to what she had to say but his curiosity always got the better of him. He'd regret it if he turned her away.

"Dad," Emily tried again.

Cal held up a hand to silence her. "Go ahead. You can talk here."

Emily looked surprised at his answer. Zoe looked annoyed. She took a step forward, around her daughter, so she was standing in front of her. That way, Emily wouldn't be able to see her face. Cal continued to watch impassively but intensely curious; all the while conscious of the fact that he was supposed to be heading right now to the Rose Gardens in Georgetown and he still had to fix his tie. Emily was driving him because, she had joked, that way Cal wouldn't be able to escape anywhere with her at the wheel. She clearly hadn't heard the story about him ducking out of the passenger door of a moving vehicle.

"Fine," Zoe said vehemently, like this was Cal's fault. She sighed then to calm down a little. "It's not too late." Cal gave a silent 'huh' in his head but he continued to stare at his ex-wife with the practiced neutral expression. "You're not married yet. We could go somewhere. There's still time."

Cal saw Emily react out of the corner of his eye but she didn't make a sound. The gesture was probably akin to her jaw dropping open but he didn't look at her to confirm. He kept his eyes on Zoe. She was genuine in the gesture but there was a nervous air to her too, like she wasn't sure how he was going to take it. It was bloody brave.

Cal stepped forward. "But you're married."

Zoe lifted a hand and waved the comment away. Cal still couldn't believe how easily she dismissed Roger. What was the point in marrying him at all? Was she that desperate to not be alone? "Zo," Cal started in a soft voice. "Let it go luv."

"You can't tell me you're not interested," Zoe tried his bluff.

"I'm not interested," Cal looked her dead in the eye, even while a little, tiny, miniscule, insignificant voice in the back of his head protested at the white lie. Looking her straight in the eye was a tell, but he made sure he didn't reveal any others. Emily would have seen it, she would have known he wasn't telling the truth, but Zoe, Cal was sure, would not know that looking someone in the eye was an indication of deception. She had never bothered to learn his science, not even a small part of it. He was glad Emily didn't say anything. She didn't even move. He wasn't even sure she had closed her mouth.

"That's your final answer?"

"Yeah."

Zoe gave a silent scoff. She turned to glance at Emily, who Cal could see was staring at her agog. Zoe seemed reluctant to leave but Cal wasn't going to give her an easy out. She glanced back at him, a final plea with her eyebrows that Cal stared down neutrally. She turned to the door and took a few steps towards it.

"Zoe."

"Cal?" She turned back to him.

"I don't want to see you again," he told her gently.

Emily, now in his line of sight because Zoe had moved behind her, looked even more stunned.

"What?" Zoe challenged.

"We have no reason to see each otha if we can help it. So I want to make sure it stays that way."

Zoe stared at him for a moment, decided on being annoyed, opened the door and let it slam shut behind her. Cal turned to his daughter who flinched at the sudden loud noise. "We should go, luv." They were going to be late and he really didn't want Gillian to be waiting on him. This wasn't a good way to start his marriage.

"Dad," Emily loaded the name with emotion.

"I'm sorry luv, I know she's your mutha."

"No," Emily cut him off. "I was going to say, good on you."

Now Cal looked surprised. "What's that?"

"She's been manipulating you for years. She had her chance; she should just move on and be happy with Roger. God, she can be such a bitch."

"Oi, don't talk about your muth that way! She's still your mutha," Cal pointed a finger to prove his point. "Now, what time is it?" He reached for his tie and tugged the knot loose.

**PJ**

Gillian had caved on the vows so everything else: wedding photos, speeches, dinner, dancing, cake, people he didn't particularly care about, could be tolerated. Readily tolerated that was. Cal hadn't worn a wedding ring in well over ten years so it felt awe-inducing, uncomfortably foreign. They had picked their own rings so Cal didn't get to see Gillian's until he slipped it onto her finger. It was a simple thin band, similar to the one Alec had given her except that one had been studded in diamonds and this one was plain and much more of a turn on because she was wearing it for him; he liked it. It suited her slender fingers and he couldn't stop his eyes from often straying to the third finger of her left hand.

Emily had driven him in silence to the rose gardens. It was a beautiful spring day, thank god, but the mood in the car had been a little overcast. It was hard to tell if she was mad at him and Cal didn't dare ask. The last thing he wanted was to fight with his daughter an hour before he was supposed to be experiencing the happiest day of his life; for the second time in his life. The whole day felt like madness: Zoe showing up, the tension with Emily, the marriage thing. And if it had been anyone else but Gillian, he would have talked himself out of it a week ago. But because it was Gillian it somehow felt all right.

She looked beautiful, Gillian did. Of course. Cal would expect nothing less. She had cut her hair last week and now it reached the level of her chin and was streaked with blonde highlights through her natural light brown colour. If it was possible, her eyes seemed bluer and she definitely looked younger. Cal had shaved, gotten that haircut, and was wearing a new suit; that was all the token effort he'd made and he felt slightly guilty about it. But when Gillian had approached that early afternoon, emerging through the rose bushes, she gave him the biggest beaming smile that had almost stopped his heart and when he realised that she didn't glance at anyone else once during the whole ceremony he relaxed a little. Maybe he was what she wanted after all. Being the centre of Gillian's attention was heavenly.

They had retired after exchanging rings to a function room in a hotel Gillian had picked and had organised to be decorated. He helped where he could and even with Gillian directing most of the arrangements, he was still far more involved in this wedding than his first. Zoe's mother had not tolerated his involvement, and at the time, he hadn't cared. Dinner was served to them, less than fifty guests, though he had been told there were a few who had gate crashed. Gillian's mother had cried at the ceremony, even though they hadn't made gushy speeches about being in love with each other. Gillian's parents came together. Her father was moving back from San Diego. Loker had made a speech, telling Cal he was a lucky bastard and there had been a murmur of assent through the room. Cal did consider himself a lucky bastard. Eleven years ago, if he had been told one day he would marry her, he would not have believed it.

"Are you ready to go?" Gillian asked him. She leaned down slightly to where he was sitting, waiting for her to finish talking to the hotel staff who were beginning to clear away the tables.

"Yeah," Cal came out of his thoughts.

She gave him a smile. "You ok?"

"Yeah," Cal got to his feet. "Bloody fantastic." Gillian stretched out her hand towards him. Her fingers wrapped warmly around his. That simple gesture, right now, was the best feeling in the world.

"Let's go home."


	35. Chapter 35

Gillian tapped a pen impatiently against the desk, a gesture she normally didn't indulge in. She checked her watch again. They were late. And the longer Seth sat waiting, the more distressed he was going to be. He had legal representation with him, considering he was a minor and without a legal guardian, but the man sat in the corner of the room reading a newspaper quietly and ignored the boy. So Seth may as well have been in there alone. Gillian thought about who she could call on to speed the process up, but all she knew about the man she was waiting for was that he worked for the Department of Defence. She hadn't been given a name. The orders had come down from on high and there had been no opportunity to object. She wasn't even sure if she really needed to object. This man was supposed to be able to tell when you were lying, so he would exonerate Seth wouldn't he? She was sure of the boy's innocence. But she had to wonder what the hell Seth had done to make the Department of Defence send in a deception expert. He was just a thirteen year old boy; surely he hadn't managed to really do anything that would be a breach of national security?

The door suddenly flew open and a brown-haired, short-statured man strode across the room to where she was sitting. She immediately got to her feet to meet him, noted the fierce look to his eyes and the age of his face, and then realised he was in her personal space, standing too close for comfort. But she couldn't back up because she was standing in front of the desk. He tilted his head to the side and blatantly studied her face. His quick eyes were blue and his hair was long, smoothed back to his neck where a few strands stuck out in a cute little duck tail. And that was her first impression of him, that there was something about him that warranted a second look even if he wasn't a particularly good looking man.

"Tell me about the kid," he demanded in a British accent. Behind him, a younger man entered with a large black case. He looked bored and waited for instruction where he stood, just inside the doorway.

Gillian was startled and then annoyed at his rudeness. Again, she fought the urge to step backward. "And who are you?" She asked, remaining polite, despite feeling like she was trapped by his proximity.

"Docta Lightman."

"From the Department of Defence?" Gillian guessed the rest. "You're late," she admonished.

Doctor Lightman looked amused, his lip curled up in a mild grin. "And you're the kid's psychologist?"

Gillian opened her mouth to answer.

"That's fine," Lightman continued. "You want to sit in?"

Gillian was startled by how fast he talked, his mind jumping two steps ahead in the conversation without her saying anything.

"Yeah, you're welcome to sit in," he finished and turned to the interrogation room where Seth sat and waited. Lightman immediately strode away, at a casual pace but with an assured arrogance.

Gillian felt like she had missed something. By the time she caught up to Doctor Lightman a minute later, he was in the hallway already telling the legal aide to leave. Seth was looking up from the table inside the room, scared, as the British man raised his voice and talked over the lawyer.

"The boy is required to have a guardian sit in on this interview," Mr Smith insisted in a low voice

"She'll do it," Lightman hiked a thumb at Gillian who had approached. That stopped all conversation. The lawyer looked over at her. Gillian set her features in a determined expression; she didn't like him much anyway. "She is qualified to sit in? It's all legal?" Lightman asked the lawyer. "Good," he continued without waiting for an answer. "See you late-a then," he dismissed.

The lawyer looked flustered but didn't seem to have any argument left. He pushed past them. Doctor Lightman entered the room, not bothering to see if Gillian was following, but she did. He took a seat in the hard-backed chair and then leaned back into it, shifting his butt downward so he was slouching comfortably. Gillian closed the door gently behind her and moved to retrieve the chair from the corner, the only other one available in the room.

"What's your name then?" Doctor Lightman asked gently before she had even sat down.

"Seth."

"I'm Docta Lightman."

"Am I sick?" Seth looked scared again.

"Nah I'm not that kind of docta. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

"Am I in trouble?"

"Nah," Lightman shook his head.

"Go ahead then," Seth said with confidence.

"How old are you Seth?"

"Thirteen."

"Where are your parents?"

Gillian turned to Doctor Lightman startled. Would he not have known from Seth's orphan status that his parents were both deceased? Why was he asking an inappropriate question? She thought about objecting.

"Dead," Seth answered glumly.

"You feel pretty alone then?" Lightman continued.

Seth nodded.

"You have many friends?"

Seth gave a shrug. "Sure."

"You like school?"

"Sure."

"Like your teacha's?"

"Yeah," Seth answered very politely.

Cal nodded. "Good. You a bit of a computa wizard then?"

Gillian saw Seth straighten up. Doctor Lightman leaned forward.

"Yeah I'm pretty good."

"Computa games and all that?"

Seth nodded.

"What's your favourite game to play?"

"Revenge of Seth."

Gillian smiled. Typical thirteen year old boy stuff. Where was Doctor Lightman going with this?

"You have to kill all the zombies to get to the next level and then when you do that you have to find this key that unlocks the door which means you can get to the boat that takes you to the island…" Seth continued unbidden.

"You play with a friend?'

"Yeah, sure, me and Michael sometimes play together."

"Spend much time on the internet?" Doctor Lightman asked next.

"Some," Seth gave another shrug.

"Email and that stuff?"

"Sure."

"What about stuff you know you're not meant to look at?"

Gillian looked at Lightman, but he kept his intent gaze on Seth. She turned to Seth who had clammed up, looking alarmed. "It's ok Seth you can answer."

"What do you look at on the internet?" Lightman asked with little consideration to Seth's agitation. "Hm?" He prompted when Seth still didn't answer.

"I don't want to get in trouble."

"You're not…" Gillian started to tell him.

"Adult sites?"

Gillian turned to Lightman, about to object. This was one of the weirdest interviews she had ever sat in on. The questions seemed to have no merit at all and he barely waited for an answer before moving on to the next one.

"That's all right, when I was your age I was stealin' my olda brutha's playboy magazine," Lightman suddenly grinned. Seth returned it. "We didn't even have the internet. I still have no idea how to even check my mail. I'd love to be like those technician's on TV who hack into all sorts of government databases."

"Yeah me too," Seth gushed. "Checking your mail is easy though. I could show you that."

"I'll take you up on that sometime." Doctor Lightman suddenly got to his feet. The gesture surprised both Seth and Gillian.

"Am I in trouble?" Seth asked again looking alarmed.

"Nah, you're not in trouble," Lightman assured him. He went to the door, opened it and strode through quickly.

"You wait here a little longer ok Seth?" Gillian told him gently. "Cameron will come back to get you."

"Ok," Seth nodded amicably.

Gillian went after Doctor Lightman. He was telling his colleague to pack up his recording gear and then he headed for the door. "Doctor Lightman!" Gillian stopped him. The young man looked at her but he still seemed bored. She ignored him and moved toward where Lightman was waiting for her in the hallway just outside the doorway.

"What?"

"Was that it?"

"Yeah." Lightman started walking away. He pulled a Blackberry from his pocket.

Gillian fell into step with him, quickening her stride to meet his fast pace. "So you believe that he's not involved?"

"Yeah," Lightman answered simply. He pulled open an email page.

"Why did you want me to sit in?"

He typed out a short message and sent it. Gillian watched over his shoulder as they strode along the corridor side by side. So he _did_ know how to email. "The lawya would have just hindered the process. As soon as I mentioned the boy you were protective so I knew you would wanna help prove his innocence, not drag out the process unnecessarily."

Gillian was stunned. She hadn't realised she had done anything. She was pretty sure she hadn't done anything in particular. "I don't think mentioning his parents was very productive."

Lightman stopped walking and faced her. "It helped me establish a baseline."

"A what?"

"Everyone looks different when they're tellin' a lie. Most kids his age and in the fosta system would lie about the status of their parents but he didn't. Which attests a lot to his character too."

Gillian frowned.

"You're annoyed," he stated. "But I got what I needed to see. He didn't do anythin' dangerously illegal. Not intentionally anyway. When I mentioned governmental databases he didn't react. I'd say there's someone else involved. This Michael probably. We should look into that." He started walking again.

"How do you know that?" Gillian asked dubiously.

"Seth gave a flutter of his eyelids, which means he was thinkin' about somethin' else when he talked about him."

"An eyelid flutter?" She hadn't noticed.

"It's a physical demonstration of additional cognitive processin'."

Gillian didn't know what he was talking about.

"I'm Cal by the way," he stopped walking abruptly and offered her his hand.

She gave a slight frown. It was hard to keep up with him. "Gillian," she shook his hand. It was warm.

**PJ**

Cal Lightman stood too close to people to intimidate them. Gillian could see that easily. And almost everyone backed up out of his space too. She had to physically resist the urge to do the same, but she was not going to let him get the upper hand. She had been following him around all day now because she refused to let him talk to Michael without her being there. And Doctor Lightman had demanded that Michael be brought to his office where he could be recorded properly; so that's where they were now. He seemed to have the scent of blood, convinced that Michael was responsible and he hadn't even talked to him yet. Michael was shy and introverted. Gillian would classify him as being fragile, but only in her head. She wouldn't put that in a report and she wouldn't let Doctor Lightman know that either. It wouldn't do Michael any good to have people know that about him. Not when she was sure she could help him overcome it.

She wasn't allowed to sit in on this interview, she could only watch from the outside, and that annoyed her. Michael was seventeen and although technically a minor, he didn't require a guardian to sit with him. He claimed he wanted to speak for himself anyway. Gillian watched Doctor Lightman pace the room in front of the table through a window. He was simply watching Michael and the teenager was clearly nervous. He picked at a fingernail a few times. After a while he shifted his hands to under the table and glared at Cal.

"Are you going to ask me questions or what?"

Gillian was surprised by the directness of the enquiry. He said very little in their sessions together without her first prompting him.

Cal suddenly approached the table, pulled out the chair meant for him and slouched in it, like he had done with Seth. Michael looked expectant but Dr Lightman continued to stare at him for a while. "How old are you Michael?" He finally asked.

"Seventeen."

"And your hair colour?"

"Brown," Michael gave him an annoyed confused expression, as if the answer was obvious. It _was_ obvious. Gillian wondered what Cal was doing.

"Now, tell me that your hair colour is actually green."

"What?" Michael looked completely confused now.

"Tell me," Doctor Lightman gave an encouraging nod.

"You're weird."

"I know."

"My hair is green," Michael said sarcastically.

Lightman sighed. "Tell me the walls in here are green."

"The walls in here are green," Michael repeated in his normal tone of voice.

Lightman sat back. Gillian wondered if the expression on Doctor Lightman's face meant he was satisfied with the answers.

"Consida yourself a computa connoisseur Michael?"

"What does that mean?"

"An expert."

"I'd hardly say I'm an expert. I'm seventeen."

On a video screen, Gillian could see Cal smirk.

"Above average then?"

"Sure," Michael gave a shrug.

"Know more about them than the otha boys in the home?"

"I guess," Michael answered, his tone not as dubious as the words were.

Cal considered him. "Spend much time with Seth Harp-a?"

"He's all right."

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't see why I have to answer your questions. You're not a cop."

"Nah I'm not," Lightman conceded. "Would you like me to get you one?"

"Nope," Michael backed down.

"Cos that's where you're headed next, unless you can convince me that you had nuthin' to do with hackin' into the National Security Network," Lightman's tone was suddenly hard.

"I didn't," Michael looked alarmed.

"And that you didn't talk Seth Harp-a into doin' the same thing from his registered log on," Lightman accused roughly.

"I didn't," Michael insisted again. He looked scared. Gillian twitched where she stood, wanting to race in there and end the interview now.

"I think you're lyin' to me," Lightman continued, raising his voice.

"I'm not!"

"You are! And you dragged a thirteen year old innocent boy into it with you," Dr Lightman jabbed a finger at Michael as he sat forward in his chair.

"It was his idea!"

"I'm not buyin' that at all. He's already fingered you."

Michael looked blank for a second. He looked Lightman dead in the eye. "I promise you sir, I didn't do any hacking. I don't even know how."

Cal stared right back with an aggressive edge. "And I know that's _not true_. You're not convincin' me. You can go to jail for this, did you know that? Fifteen years for breach of national security."

Gillian tapped on the glass. She had done it before she really realised it but she was compelled to look out for Michael whether she was in the room or not. Lightman turned his head slightly to the right, almost glancing over his shoulder but not following through with the gesture. Then he got up. Through the glass, Michael looked close to tears.

"What?" Lightman powered into the room glaring at her. He seemed to know who had interrupted him without having to ask. Even though there were other people in the room he honed in on Gillian, standing in her personal space. The AV tech who was recording the interview deliberately studied his controls.

"You're scaring him."

"That's the point luv."

"He said he didn't do anything."

"And you believe him?"

"Yes."

"He's lyin' about somethin'."

"I know this kid, he's a good boy."

"And I know he's _lyin'_," Lightman growled at her. "Deception expert," he indicated himself. "Emotionally attached," he pointed a finger at her. Gillian's features clouded in anger. "Don't interfere," Cal warned her while he backed up out of the room again before Gillian could voice any more objections.

Michael was visibly upset now. Dr Lightman re-entered the room and took his seat silently. He stared at Michael for a few long moments. "Somethin' to say?" He suddenly pounced.

Michael shook his head.

"I'm tryin' to help you out here but I can't do that unless you tell me the truth."

"He said I would be in trouble if I said anything."

"Who?"

"Am I going to be in trouble?"

"Who was it?" Lightman ignored his pleas.

"It was Mr Wright. He showed me how to."

"What did he want?"

"He said the government was hiding information about the terrorists that flew planes into the Pentagon."

Doctor Lightman sat back in his chair. "What did Seth have to do with this?"

"He said Seth would never get into trouble for it."

"He's right," Lightman got to his feet.

"What about me?" Michael asked desperately.

"That's not up to me."

**PJ**

Four hours later and Dr Lightman had managed to get a confession out of Mr Wright too. He was another of the counsellors for the home of boys in limbo, between foster care and nowhere else to go. While Gillian didn't like the way Cal had dealt with Seth and Michael, she was kind of pleased to see he stepped up the intimidation even more for the adult ringleader. He had let her watch that interview too, albeit still from the other side of the glass. Mr Wright had seemed so calm, so serene like he always had and yet Dr Lightman saw right through him instantly, asking direct questions and answering himself when there was a steadfast lack of response. Gillian wondered how the hell he had done it. She knew he was a deception expert but was he also a psychic?

She was hovering now, waiting for Lightman to finish talking to someone on the phone. She didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. Or giving a begrudging thank you. He had, after all, proved the boys' innocence, even if it was relative in Michael's case.

"All right?"

Gillian straightened up from the desk she had been leaning on as Dr Lightman approached. "Doctor Lightman…"

"Call me Cal."

"Ok, Cal," Gillian hesitated.

"What do you wanna say?" He asked, tilting his head to the side to study her face better.

"Thank you," Gillian stumbled under his gaze. It was like he knew what she was going to say before she said it.

"For what luv?"

"For having the boys' best interest at heart."

Cal gave a smirk. "But you don't agree with my techniques?"

"I didn't say that."

"You don't have to."

Gillian felt frustration building. "How do you do that?"

"What's that luv?" Lightman asked amused.

"I know you're a deception expert, but how can you tell when people are lying? What they're thinking?"

Cal's lip curled up in delight. "You heard of micro-expressions?"

"Vaguely," Gillian had to admit.

"Your face gives away expressions in relation to emotions without a conscious reaction. When you lie, your face and body can't help but respond to that."

"In what ways?"

"Here," Cal turned to the video console behind her. He tapped on the keys and brought up the image of Michael. He rolled through the tape to where Michael started denying he knew anything. "See here," Cal froze the tape. "He shrugs his shoulder. The body doesn't believe in the words." He forwarded it again. "Here he presses his lips together, trying to take back his words." He shifted the image again. "Here his eyebrows are up. He knows the answer to what I'm asking him but he denies it anyway."

Gillian had leaned in to see the screen better. When Cal turned to look at her she was close. "He's anxious, he's hidin' somethin'," Cal pointed to the screen.

"That's amazing," Gillian noted softly. "I didn't even notice these."

"Yeah but you still knew they were both innocent."

"I spent time with them."

"You were adamant though."

Gillian wasn't sure what to say to that. She wasn't sure what Cal was trying to tell her. He watched her with an interested expression. "I really respect that."

"Thank you," Gillian gave a slight smile.

"I gotta go."

"It was a pleasure working with you," Gillian said politely.

Cal gave another amused smirk. "Not completely luv… but it was a pleasure workin' with _you_."


	36. Chapter 36

"Tell me what you see." He played the video again.

Gillian saw the flicker. Eyes down and away. "Shame."

"Yeah." He played another.

Lips pressed together. The eye lids retracted. "Fear."

"Very good," Cal turned to her. "You're good at this."

"You make it easy."

Cal smirked. "No it is easy. Anyone can learn this."

"Oh good I feel so much better now."

Cal gave a genuine laugh. "If it makes you feel betta, it normally takes people months to pick it up."

Gillian gave him an unimpressed expression. "Don't placate me." She indicated the training video with a jerk of her chin. "How fast do _you_ play them?"

"One fifteenth of a second."

Gillian absorbed this information. She was watching them at about a fifth of a second. She pushed her chair back from the desk. "You know you really didn't have to take me through this personally."

"I feel I owe you one."

"How do you figure that?"

"I told you," Cal turned to her. "For the Mitchell case."

Cal had requested her assistance, demanded it apparently, and Gillian still wasn't entirely clear as to why. But she was figuring out that Cal liked it that way. He liked to keep people guessing and he liked to see how much they could figure out on their own. Gillian filed away little snippets of information here and there to make a fuller picture of Doctor Cal Lightman. He was too smart for his own good but his science was sound. He had proved it to her over and over the past few weeks until she had requested training. She had been interested from the start, but didn't want him to think she was too keen.

"And I told you, you don't owe me anything for that."

Sure, she had gone as a favour to Doctor Lightman because she had been interested in him and his work and liked to see him doing his 'thing'. But then the case had also been interesting and he had listened to her opinion and she had been right about a few things too. She had found she looked forward to his respect and she liked being in his company.

"When are you gettin' married?"

Gillian was thrown by the question. "In a few months."

"Best wishes."

"Thanks," Gillian smiled at him and glanced at her engagement ring. She had been wearing it for a while now. It was funny he was just asking her now.

**PJ**

Gillian gave him a brilliant smile as she walked down the corridor and approached where he was waiting, more like hovering with an electric energy. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

"You did not," Gillian accused. "You want something."

"I want a fave-a."

"Ah a favour. What a surprise!" Gillian teased with a warm smile. Cal gave a slight grin, his lip pulled up in the corner and his eyes seemed brighter. That's how she could tell he was amused. "What kind of favour?" She turned the way she had come and started walking towards her office. She had moved from the foster home to the upper floors of a clinic where she had also shifted from working with children to treating adults.

Cal fell into step with her. "I'm a workin' a case."

"You always are," Gillian retorted quickly.

"There's a little girl involved."

She was immediately interested and he knew that because he tilted his head slightly so he could watch her face carefully. She ducked through her office doorway and Cal followed. "What's the case about?"

"It's kind of a delicate situation. She might have information about her fartha."

"And you want me to get the information out of her? You'd be better at it than me." She moved to her desk, perching on the edge of it.

"It requires a gentle touch," Cal crossed her office to look at something on the shelf and then, while they talked, wandered back to where she sat.

"Aw and you thought of me?" Gillian teased again. It was much easier to deceive Cal by answering questions with questions; unless he asked a direct question. That was too hard to avoid.

"You ask the questions and I watch the answers." Cal used his finger to indicate who was to do what while he didn't respond to her comment. "You in or not?"

"Of course," Gillian answered seriously. Ok, so she loved it when he came to beg for her help. It was always a nice feeling to be sought after but she loved that he respected her opinion so much and had such faith in her work that he came down personally now to ask her to go with him. It was like someone was finally seeing her.

"Let's go," Cal indicated the door.

"Right now?"

"You're not busy are you?" He peered at her for less than a second. "No, you're not busy. Let's go."

**PJ**

"Alec and I are trying for a baby."

Cal looked over at her as he drove. He wasn't quite used to her volunteering information. Too many people kept too much to themselves and he was one of them. But Foster just blurted out things that were happening in her life and expected him to be interested. The surprising thing was, he _was_ interested. She must have known that because she kept talking to him.

"Good luck with that," he said genuinely.

She flashed him a brilliant smile, the excitement showing in her eyes. "Did you plan Emily?"

"Not at all."

"She's such a sweet kid."

"Yeah she is," Cal said fondly.

"You didn't have a shot gun wedding?" She asked almost appalled.

Cal could see her frown out of the corner of his eye. "Nah we were actually married first. She came along less than a year late-a. Bit of an accident but I love her all the same."

"That's not a lot of time to get used to being married."

"What about you and Alec? How long have you been married now?"

"A year." Gillian was silent for a moment. "Do you think I'm rushing this?"

"I don't know luv. Whateva's right for you and Alec."

"I really want kids."

Cal glanced at her again. She was staring straight ahead but he saw the truth in her expression. He had kind of figured that out a while ago. The way she was with children. Gillian Foster was the kind of woman who had a way with children. "Then I really hope it works out."

She gave him another smile.

**PJ**

"And before that?" Gillian drew on the straw in her soda. Cal could see the dark liquid cola shoot up to her waiting lips.

"I was at Oxford."

"So you went from college straight to British Intelligence?" She should already know the answer to that one. She did read his dissertation after all and she was blown away by it, and if she had been then there would have been others who would have immediately taken a very intense interest in Cal Lightman. MI6 would not have been much of a stretch. A human lie detector, how very convenient.

"Pretty much. I did pull beers in a pub for two months."

Gillian's forehead creased into a slight frown. She wasn't sure if that was a serious or truthful comment. "And then you came to America?"

"Yeah."

Gillian wasn't exactly sure, and when it came to Cal she never was, but she thought she saw his expression flicker for a moment. Something he didn't want her to know about him coming to America. "Legally?"

He laughed. "Yeah legally. What kind of question is that?"

"I don't want to be party to some conspiracy involving you and illegitimate immigration," she smiled and kept her tone light. She was joking.

"I'm married to an American rememba? That automatically gives me a green card."

"Ah, yes, Zoe."

Cal immediately picked up on the inflection on his wife's name. For some reason, that he was yet to work out, his new friend and his wife didn't exactly take to each other very well.

"Why _did_ you come to America?"

Cal gave a deliberate shrug. "Somethin' different. And then I met Zoë and ended up stayin'."

Gillian nodded that she was listening, but the story was vague enough to not really answer her question at all.

**PJ**

"Fosta? What are you doin'?"

"I'm working," Gillian almost rolled her eyes at the wall. He was calling on her work line after all.

"But are you busy?"

"Sort of. What's up?"

"Have coffee with me."

"Ok."

"Now."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, right now, can you meet me?"

"Uh," Gillian hesitated and looked at her watch. "Sure, I guess I can spare you half an hour."

"That's all I ask," Cal hung up on her.

Gillian put the phone down with a frown. She was as ever, confused by Cal. She got up from her desk and grabbed her cell phone, tucking it into her purse as she headed for the door. She also took hold of her coat as she left her office.

Cal was waiting for her in the place they usually met. It was kind of half way between their two work places and they often caught up over lunch or sometimes if Cal wanted her to do him a favour and look at whatever he was currently working on, despite the fact that he had access to several very capable in-house behavioural psychologists. She figured this was more of the same. He wanted her to take a look a file but when she approached him though, he looked agitated. "What's up?" She asked again as she came to a halt in front of him.

"Usual?" Cal inquired instead. He didn't wait for her to answer and strode toward the counter. Gillian pulled off her coat and took a seat in the window. She checked her phone in case she hadn't heard it ring while she had walked the two blocks to the café. It wasn't snowing yet but they were promised a dumping in the next few days. It was warm inside and smelt like coffee and biscuits. '_A biscuit would be nice_,' she thought while she waited and wished she had thought to request one when Cal had still been within ear shot.

Cal returned a few minutes later and placed her cup of coffee in front of her. He drank tea. Balanced on his wrist was another small side plate with a chocolate chip and macadamia cookie. Gillian smiled, he knew her very well. She cupped her hands around the mug of coffee and waited for Cal to settle. She was going to demand answers to this midmorning meeting, especially because he clearly had no work related material with him, but as soon as he had poured milk into his cup he looked up at her and stated: "I'm in trouble."

"What for?" Gillian asked alarmed. Thoughts of immigration and green cards still on her mind.

"That doesn't matta," Cal waved a hand to dismiss the comment. "But I might be lookin' for another job."

"I can't give you a job Cal. That's completely out of my hands." Not that she was sure he had any clinical experience whatsoever either.

"That's not what I'm askin' you."

"What are you asking?"

"I want to start my own company. And I want you to come and work with me."

Gillian was surprised. Cal gave her an expectant expression. "I'm serious. What do you think?"

"I think I'd have to know more about it."

Cal gave a slight smirk as if he had expected that response. "I want to set up a place where people can hire us to find out the truth."

"Ah, the 't' word."

Cal ignored her interruption. "I want to help people."

"Isn't that what you do now?"

Cal gave an expression that said he didn't entirely agree with that. "Well it's the government. It's all very political."

"Oh." It was starting to make more sense now. "What did you do?"

"I might have told a few people to cram their job up their arse."

Gillian gave a slight laugh. "You're kidding?" She asked even though she shouldn't have been surprised.

"Well, there was…" Cal started and then waved the comment away again. "I'm just ova the politics. I want to cut out all the bureaucratic B.S and just help people. The simple truth."

"For a fee?"

"Of course for a fee," Cal gave a slight smile. "But the point is, we work for the client, for their best interests. For the truth first and foremost. No more politics."

Gillian watched him for a moment. He seemed very serious.

"I've been thinkin' about it for awhile. I was just waitin' to find the right person to do this with."

Gillian felt her heart beat speed up slightly. "Are you so sure that's me?" She asked seriously without fishing for a compliment. Going into business with someone was a big deal, no matter who it was, no matter that the potential business partner was also a deception expert, there were still trust issues to work through.

Cal raised his eyebrows slightly. "I think so. You're very smart, you're very good at your job, you're compassionate, you stand up to me, and you don't_ lie to me_."


	37. Chapter 37

Cal woke sluggishly and rolled to find his wife's body in the bed next to him. She was lying on her side with her back to him and she was naked, the white sheet draped over her hip, leaving her back exposed. It was golden brown, evidence that they were in the Caribbean and she was making the most of the beautiful weather. Cal had tan lines too, from where his t-shirt and shorts ended but the tan was not as well defined. He was too British to tolerate much heat. This early in the morning though, the warmth coming off of Gillian's body was perfect. Cal shifted closer to her, placing an arm over her waist, a hand firmly on her flat stomach. He pressed his nose into her neck gently and breathed in. She was so soft and warm. She had a peach body wash that she used in the shower and he could smell it faintly on her skin from last night. Sometimes after they made love he could smell it on _his_ skin. Gillian shifted her head slightly but didn't wake or stir more than that. Cal held her tighter and closed his eyes again. This was his wife!

**PJ**

When Cal woke up again it was only partially and it was only because Gillian was slipping out of his embrace. "Where you goin'?" He muttered sleepily.

"Bathroom," Gillian whispered back.

Cal rolled onto his back, his eyes still closed and waited for her to return. Forty-five minutes later he woke again and realised he was alone. He sat up. The room was empty. The sun was bright and the open window was allowing a breeze to ruffle the white curtains. He listened for Gillian in the bathroom but the bungalow was silent. Where'd she go? He tried to throw back the sheet but it was tangled around his legs. He fought it away, his annoyance growing. He slipped on underwear and then shorts and noticed a cream envelope on the dresser. It had his name on it in Gillian's handwriting. Curiosity subdued his irritation and a stray irrational thought about abandonment. The envelope wasn't sealed. He slid out a heavy sheaf of paper. It was folded in half. Cal tucked his hair behind an ear and turned to the window for better light.

**Dear Calvin,**

His heart started thundering.

**PJ**

Cal found Gillian sitting in the sand under a palm tree, looking out at the ocean. She had a distant expression on her face and she was absently trailing her fingers through the white sand near her hips. She didn't look up at Cal until he was a few feet away. He had the envelope in his hand and she glanced at it first before letting her eyes settle on his face. She gave him a slow warm smile that reached up to her blue eyes, making them sparkle with her obvious joy.

"Good morning."

"Mornin' luv." Cal dropped casually into the sand next to her. He waved the envelope to indicate that his next question was in reference to it. "How long have you been holdin' on to this?"

Gillian gave a slight shrug and turned to the water again. "A while."

"Why did you give it to me now?"

"I wanted to tell you how I feel, and I didn't get the chance otherwise."

Cal hoped that wasn't a deep-seated dig about his request to not say vows on their wedding day.

Gillian turned to him with another smile. "And we're going home so I thought we should go out on a high."

Cal watched her intently. And she studied him just as carefully. "Thank you," Cal finally said in a low tone. "It was beautiful." He gestured with the envelope again, an understatement in the least. He had almost cried. He would never admit that to anyone. Only his parents called him Calvin. And Gillian had picked the perfect moment to refer to him by that name for the first time.

"I meant it," Gillian leaned over and kissed him.

Cal felt his stomach lurch. If it was possible, he loved her even more. God, was he a lucky bastard. The letter showed she loved him just as much.

**PJ**

"I have something for you," Gillian announced. She was sitting on her legs, on their bed and she had that gleeful anticipation about her that meant she was excited about something. She had a plastic bag in front of her and she was guarding it with her hands.

"What's that then?" Cal asked unbuttoning his shirt.

Gillian gave him an expression that was a mix between a warning and knowing something he didn't. "It's underwear."

"Undawear?" Cal echoed unimpressed. So what. He whipped the shirt from his shoulders and threw it in the washing basket in the bathroom.

"Yeah, but before you make up your mind completely, just try them on."

Cal was immediately suspicious. He narrowed his eyes at her and stepped closer to the bed. "What is it?"

Gillian opened the bag and produced a wad of dark blue material. She unfolded the clothing and held them up to show him.

"Boxas? I don't like boxas."

In fact, Cal had announced that quite spectacularly once during a case, to a room of witness's.

"These are boxer briefs."

"So they're like briefs but shorts?"

"Yes, exactly."

Cal was dubious and it clearly showed on his face.

"Will you at least try them on? And then if you don't like them," she shrugged to mean she didn't care.

"All right," Cal relented unbuttoning the top of his work trousers. Gillian threw the boxer-briefs at him. He slipped out of his trousers. "What's the fascination with these then?"

"I like them," Gillian responded.

"Oh you _like_ them," Cal realised.

"Yeah, they're kinda sexy."

"Who knew men's undawear could be sexy," Cal teased but noted more to himself. He pulled the boxer-briefs up to his hips, readjusting them so they were not tugging anything in the wrong direction. "What do you think?"

"Very nice," Gillian responded with a grin. She twisted the ring on her finger, a sign, Cal had learnt in the last month, that meant she was thinking about him. Maybe fantasising was a more accurate term. "What do _you_ think?"

"Yeah they're comfortable," Cal admitted.

"Enough support?"

Cal dropped his dirty socks into the washing basket and placed his work trousers over the back of a chair that was on his side of the room. He walked back to the bed. "Yeah," he told her. She smirked at him. "Is this how our marriage is gonna be then?" Cal asked leaning down to the mattress.

"What's that?" Gillian played along.

"You, changin' my undawear? Are you gonna get me to cut my hair next?" He moved closer as he talked.

"No," Gillian answered. "I like your hair fine."

Cal was close enough to kiss her now. He leant in far enough to almost touch her, but not quite. Gillian's eyes remained open, staring deep into his. He could see her pupils dilate in front of him. She twisted the ring on her finger again. He gave a slight smile before kissing her gently. Then he pulled away and she followed him with her mouth, kissing him a little more deeply. She placed her hands on his upper arms. Cal couldn't shift his, otherwise he would collapse. Gillian pulled away but rested her forehead against his. "I also bought new underwear. Do you want to see it?" She asked softly.

"I think so yeah," Cal answered just as gently.

Gillian gave him a quick kiss then slipped off the bed, the plastic bag in her grip. Cal was going to protest that her leaving the room to change was unfair but stopped; it might be more fun this way. He lay back against the mattress, stretching out with his arms tucked behind his head on the pillows. He had to wait five minutes before the bedroom door pushed open again and Gillian stood in the doorway.

Cal felt his jaw drop open. "Holy shit," he muttered impressed.

**PJ**

Cal stroked Gillian's hair. "You awake, luv?"

"Mh hmm."

"Rememba I said I wanted to go to Africa?"

"On a research trip?" Gillian asked.

"Yeah."

There was a pause.

"What about it?"

"I'm gonna go next month."

Gillian tensed slightly against him; an involuntary reaction. "Next month," she repeated. She sat up and gave him a disbelieving expression through bleary eyes.

"I did tell you I was goin'."

"We just got married."

Cal hesitated. It was hard to tell if she was berating him or complaining or refusing to let him go. "A month ago," he tried.

Gillian watched him silently for a moment. "How long are you going for?"

"Four months."

"Geeze," she muttered. "To Africa?"

"Yeah for some of the time and then Mongolia and then Vanuatu."

He had clearly been planning this for awhile without her knowing. Gillian didn't know if she should be offended by that or not. They were married now but they had never asked permission from the other to do anything. That independence was clearly to continue. Cal had always been a free spirit anyway. She lay down again. She should have been annoyed but it was Cal and he prayed on the unexpected; she was kind of used to it. "You're not going alone though?"

"Nah, I'm puttin' a team togetha."

Of course.

"Do you wanna come?"

"No thanks. Sleeping on the floor in a tent in the middle of the African desert doesn't do much for me."

Cal chuckled lightly.

"Besides, one of us has to actually work."

Cal kissed the top of her head. "Thanks luv."

**PJ**

"You'll call right?" She asked anxiously.

"When I can."

"Ok," Gillian sighed. Her diaphragm felt tight. That was the best promise she was going to get out of him and it didn't make her feel any better. She had his itinerary and numbers of a few places where she could leaves messages that he assured her would get to him. Eventually. In case of an emergency. Otherwise he would be unreachable. His cell phone was staying in the U.S with her. He didn't want to be reachable. Not because of her, because of everyone else.

"Is it all right for Emily to stay in the holidays?"

"Of course."

"For the whole holidays?"

Gillian hesitated. "Yeah."

"If that's not all right…"

"No it's fine. It's totally fine. But is she not going to stay with her mother?"

"Nah. She didn't say why," Cal answered her next question before she could ask it. "I said she could use my car so long as she doesn't destroy it and she said she was gonna maybe stay with some friends so she won't be in your hair the whole time."

"Not that I mind."

Cal gave her slight smile. "Sorry to spring it on you at the last minute."

Gillian gripped his shirt tighter, afraid to let him go. She didn't care that they were in a crowded airport. She also didn't care that she was clinging to him, that she was showing her desperation. She wasn't going to voice it. She wasn't going to ask him not to go but she also wasn't going to pretend that she wasn't going to miss him terribly and she wasn't hurt by the timing. They had only been married for close to two months now. "Doesn't matter."

Cal studied her face like he always did and Gillian stared back, not so she could read the emotions on his face, but so she could commit his features to memory. His blue eyes. His newly cut, shorter hair, that she actually really liked, that was flecked with grey at the temples. The slight upturn of his lip that showed he was amused. She liked that expression. He seemed happy when he smiled like that. She could tell he was excited to go and she refused to allow herself to burst that bubble for him. So she crammed down her tears into the pit of her stomach and tried hard to clamp a lid shut on her nerves. She hoped he didn't see her fears in her expression and kissed him tenderly before letting go of him so he could board the plane.

**PJ**

"Do you ever worry about Dad?"

'_All the time.'_

"In what way?" Gillian asked hoping Emily hadn't heard something about Cal, who was still on the other side of the world, that she hadn't. She hadn't heard anything from him yet.

Emily looked uncomfortable but mildly concerned. "Don't tell him I asked or anything but, do you think he'd ever…" she paused and looked up. "I mean, what happened to Grandma."

Gillian clicked.

"Do you think he would?"

Gillian honestly didn't know the answer to that. She would lie to protect Emily, to make her feel safe, but Emily had a knack of seeing things like her father did and she would see through Gillian immediately. She just wasn't that good a liar. "I'd like to think he wouldn't."

"But you think he could?"

"Are you worried about something in particular?"

"No, just thinking."

"About suicide?" Gillian had to ask.

"Not personally," Emily clarified casually. Then she giggled. Gillian quickly saw the humour too and laughed and the tension was broken. "I was just thinking about Dad, you know, because he's away, and how he never talks about certain things. Grandma and Grandpa being two of those things." She sighed. "I wish he'd talk to me more."

"It's not in his nature."

"Does he not talk to you about stuff too?"

"Sometimes," Gillian admitted.

"How do you stand that?"

Gillian gave a slight shrug. "You get used to it. There are other ways to read Cal."

"Like his science?" Emily asked with an amused smile.

"That helps," Gillian grinned back. Oh, the irony. "Cal doesn't express himself through words, he uses gestures, actions."

"So you would never know he was going to do something stupid unless he picked up a knife or a bottle of pills?"

"Seriously, are you worried?" Gillian's tone sobered. She wondered if there was something she had missed. Something Emily knew but she didn't.

"No. But then, I wouldn't know what to look for."

Then Gillian remembered Emily had done a few psychology papers last semester and this conversation made much more sense. And what had also probably made the young woman think about it was the fact someone she had gone to school with had killed themselves at just fourteen years old. "No one really knows what to look for when it comes to suicide. Some people speak out, reach out for help. Others put their things in order and become peaceful. And others just withdraw into themselves. Cal would never say anything to anyone if he was unhappy. I know, because of your Grandmother, that he's susceptible to depression, and I guess you are too, but he seems fine to me."

Lie, lie, lie.

"Would you talk to someone if you were unhappy?" Gillian continued.

Emily looked as though she had never considered this. "I guess."

"For Cal's sake, talk to someone," Gillian urged gently. "A friend, someone at school, your Mom. Or me, if you wanted to."

Emily thought for a moment. "I just can't believe Grandma would do that to Dad and Uncle Thomas."

Neither could Gillian. Depression was not something she had experienced and suicide was not something she had ever spent time thinking about. It made her nervous though, with Cal on the other side of the world and that shadow hanging over his head. Things had been getting better for him, but it was still there. She _did_ worry but she didn't want Emily to see that. And boy would she be pissed off if Cal did that to her. Beyond pissed off.


	38. Chapter 38

_AN: M rated chapter._

**PJ**

Work was good. It was, at least, ticking over without Cal around. A lot of people wanted to work with him, considering it was his name and reputation that had brought their business to the Lightman Group in the first place, but it was a very small percentage that refused to deal with Gillian or anyone else. They were still swamped as per usual and it was nice to know that even with Cal away, the Lightman Group was still viable. Gillian was busier than normal though. She hadn't exactly picked up Cal's case load but she was definitely fielding the calls and taking meetings that were usually his responsibility. On top of that, she had her normal paper work to deal with, profiling for the cases Loker and Ria were working on, reviewing their work and the usual city politics: liaising with the mayor's office, advising the D.A, consulting for local police and then there was the FBI. The contract Cal had signed with them was with him specifically and Gillian didn't feel obligated to also incorporate that into her working week. Ben still came over occasionally though with a suspect he wanted help with, or some advice about a case, but Gillian by no means dropped everything to run to Reynolds's side.

"Half an hour Ben," Gillian warned walking into the safe side of an interrogation room. "I've already pushed this meeting back once." She meant the one she was supposed to be prepping for right now. The one she was not going to reschedule for a second time.

"I just need a professional opinion," he almost begged. He had been trying to get her in the room for most of the morning.

"Apparently we're not professional," Loker quipped from his seat behind a computer consul.

"_You_ might not be," Ria muttered. Loker shot her a frown.

"What are we looking at here?" Gillian brought them back to the subject. She really needed to prep for that meeting...

"Father accused of murdering his own daughter. Most of the evidence points to his culpability but we're still looking for a body," Ben supplied. A man wearing a red bush shirt and jeans sat at the table in the white room, looking uncomfortable.

"Is he talking?"

"Oh yeah, he's talking. Can't get him to shut up," Ben answered snidely. "The thing is, now we have too much information."

Loker brought up footage of the last interview and played a few clips. Gillian watched his face, but she also listened carefully to his voice. Pitch, tone and the specific words he used could give away a lot.

"Ok," Gillian signalled she had something to say. Loker stopped the playback. "He talks about his 'little girl'; he calls her by her nickname. That shows affection. He was certainly emotionally connected to his daughter."

"You think he was interfering with her?" Ben jumped in.

"No, if that were the case he would call her 'special' or make some other allusions to a secretive relationship. He would show embarrassment or guilt."

"Instead, he shows sadness," Loker cued up the video image to show the expression.

"So, he didn't kill her?" Ben tried to clarify.

"I'm saying, if he did, he would keep her body somewhere close by. He would treat her carefully. Respect for the dead is one of the indicators in an emotionally developed species."

"It's how we know the Neanderthal Man was more intelligent than we initially gave him credit for," Loker cut in.

"Exactly. They buried their dead in a foetal position, with personal effects. They cared for their elderly," Gillian elaborated.

Ben sighed. "What does this have to do with Mr Robinson?" He pointed to the man sitting in the interrogation room.

"If you're looking for a body, check for places of significance to the pair. An old camping spot, somewhere they spent time together alone..." Gillian's phone trilled. She pulled it from her pocket and flipped it open. She saw a number she didn't recognise. "I have to take this," she said absently to no one in particular and walked out of the room, a good excuse to escape, if nothing else. "He would still want to keep his daughter's memory sacred," she added moving quickly out of the room. That should be enough to move the case forward a bit.

"Gill?"

"Cal?" Her heart gave a funny beat and her diaphragm tightened. She hurried down the hallway to her office for some privacy and gripped the phone tighter, as if she could squeeze him out of it. "Oh my God! Are you ok?"

Cal listened to her voice and smiled. He'd missed it in the last month. He should have called sooner but he had been distracted. She sounded warm, just like normal, but with a hint of desperation. And maybe a little breathlessness. "Yeah, luv, I'm all right. I can't talk long though, luv, I'm sorry. How you doin?"

"I'm fine," she spoke quickly.

"Good."

"How are things going?"

"Yeah, really good." Her voice was flooded with enthusiasm. "And you're ok?"

"Yes, luv, I'm _ok_. Anythin' to report your end?"

"No. Work's fine."

"Emily?"

"She's fine. Working hard."

"That's good. And she didn't bug you before she went back to school?"

"Of course not," Gillian responded indignant.

"I was just checkin'," Cal chuckled. "Will you tell her I called?"

"Of course."

"And that I love her and I say 'hi'?"

"Of course," Gillian repeated impatiently. That was a given. "It's so good to hear your voice."

"Yeah it's good to hear yours," Cal scratched his stubbled chin. Jack, his anthropologist, emerged from the bathroom. He regretted his next words. "But I have to go."

No! Gillian wanted to protest. "Ok," she said instead. Her mind raced with too many things at once. What could she cram into two minutes of phone conversation without skipping something vital?

"You take care luv, ok? I love you very much."

"God, I love you. And I miss you," Gillian almost whispered.

"I miss you very much."

"When will you call again?"

Cal suppressed a sigh and looked out at the dusty street. Or dirt track. That was probably more accurate. A fly struck the window with a soft 'blip' and hit the wooden deck outside. Cal watched it buzz, stunned for a moment on its back, before it righted itself and took to the air again. He was stalling. "When I can."

"Ok," Gillian agreed after a second of silence, knowing that was all she could ask and all he could promise. "It was really good to hear you." And know you're ok. A month had been too long, you bastard, why didn't you call me sooner? Do you not love me? I love you, I miss you, I need you here with me. I wish I was there. Why did you go now? Why go in the first place? Why did you leave me?

"I love you Gill."

"I love you too Cal."

Gillian hung up the phone. Her office seemed eerily silent. She could feel her heart beating rapidly, coming down off the high of hearing from her husband. Gillian sighed and tried to push the thoughts of him from her mind and the threatening tears out of her eyes. Why hadn't he called her before now? Should she take that personally or just put that down to Cal being distracted by a very large candy shop?

The intercom on her desk buzzed. "Yes?" She answered.

"Mr Peters is here for your two 'o'clock."

"Thank you, I'll be right there," Gillian said politely. She removed her finger from the intercom button and sighed. He was early. Bloody accountant. Between him and Ben she hadn't had the chance to refresh her memory about the last financial month.

**PJ**

It was funny, when Gillian thought about it, how the last four months had gone by far too slowly while she was in the middle of them. They had dragged on and on until she felt sick with the anticipation, and now that Cal was due home, and she could look back on them reflectively, they seemed to have raced by. How the mind played tricks with time. It was funny to think that two years ago, she hadn't been with Cal either; they had been broken up. But then she had seen him every day at the office anyway, so technically, she hadn't really been without him after all. The complete absence of Cal this time around had taken a lot of getting used to and picking up the slack at work probably helped distract her. Thank god he had stepped up the phone calls home. She was still going to kick his ass about it.

She sat in his office now because it was the very epithet of Cal and nowhere else reminded her so strongly of him. (Not even their house, where they seemed to have spent far too little time in actually together.) The photos on the wall of himself pulling the five standard facial expressions, the masks from Papa New Guinea that had been parting gifts of affection, made uniquely for him, that he treasured most almost above all other possessions. The way his desk was still cluttered, how he had left it, a million projects on the go all at once; a direct reflection of his mind, busy, analysing and full to its brim.

His flight had been delayed. He was supposed to have been here four hours ago. Gillian was supposed to have waited at the office to take him home. He was calling in to drop off his research notes that he would go over in the next weeks. The phone call had been crushing because it had been made by someone else and there was no expected time of arrival. Cal hadn't even been able to call her himself to tell her he was behind schedule. Now it was late, the office building dark, silent and empty and Gillian was waiting because, as far as she knew, the plan to meet there was still on. She hadn't heard otherwise.

Her office wasn't as comforting without the daylight streaming in. Cal's was soothing like a big, dark, encompassing blanket that she could wrap around herself. She sat, twisting the wedding band on her left hand, and felt her internal organs tie themselves into knots while she waited. She needed a diversion, but was too distracted to be distracted. And yet sitting there was driving her nuts. She got up and went to the window. She had turned on the lamps in Cal's office to give dull illumination and it meant she could see the city clearly. And she could also stand in the window two stories up and not feel self-conscious about being watched. The Washington Monument was lit up against the city lights. Her office was located on the wrong side of the building to see it. It had been raining and the street was a slick black, shiny patch under the streetlights. She heard a scuffle behind her and turned quickly, startled.

"Oh my God, Cal!" She exclaimed as she caught sight of him power striding across the office, grinning broadly at her. Her heart skipped a beat before immediately powering into a thudding revelry. She rushed to meet him halfway across the room, slamming her body into his, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and shoulders. His arms were rough on her back as he lifted her off the ground, turning both of them to the side with the impact of her rushing into him.

'_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god_,' Gillian repeated silently. He smelt like earth and stale sweat and underneath that he smelt like Cal. When she pulled back slightly she noticed his dishevelled hair and the full beard on his jaw. She kissed him anyway, crushing her lips against his, desperate to take him in. She felt like she couldn't breathe properly. Cal kissed her back with as much passion as she gave him and her entire body flamed with yearning and familiarity. She wanted to be close to him; she wanted all of him; she wanted everything. She shifted her hands to his belt, tugging at the catch on his trousers. Cal's hands ran firmly down her back. Then Gillian pulled away because their bodies were too close and she couldn't get to what she wanted. Cal was breathing heavily and his eyes were dark with desire. "Here?" he asked simply.

"Yes here," Gillian breathed. "Right now." Her fingers fumbled with her desperation. It wasn't that she was horny; it was just that she had missed him so damn much. Cal pulled her closer immediately, kissing her roughly, his grey tinged beard scratching against her chin, his body hard against hers. He backed her so swiftly into the wall her shoulders slammed against the plaster board with a dull thud and she almost lost her footing. A picture frame dug into her right shoulder blade; it should have hurt more than it did. She barely registered the pain over the thudding of her body. Cal clearly wanted her as badly as she wanted him. He quickly and expertly undid the buttons on the front of her shirt and ran his hands over her chest. Then they were running up the inside of her thighs and she cried out against his mouth as the thrill ran up her abdomen to the tips of her fingers. Cal moved swiftly and she felt like she couldn't keep up. She was so turned on it was ridiculous.

Within seconds he was ready, having undressed them both sufficiently enough, pounding her hips methodically hard against the wall. Her right hand gripped the hair at the back of his head, holding on for fear of losing her balance; for fear of losing him. He didn't seem to mind the pain and it didn't slow him down. Her left arm was around the back of his shoulders, gripping just as tightly, her fingers digging into his shoulder; her wedding ring glinted off the light from the nearest lamp. She started whispering his name against his neck, just below his ear, while she gasped for breath with each thrust. His skin felt hot against her forehead. Then she started saying his name a little louder and then she shouted it as she climaxed. Cal, as always, remained mostly silent but the rhythmic tempo increased until she could hear him gasping for air just like she was. She could feel his whole body shudder against hers and he went still for a second, thrown off the beat, before she suddenly gripped him tighter still, her body tensing against the desire that washed through her, head to toe and back again. Cal pressed his forehead against the wall beside her neck with a dull thud. "Bloody hell," he muttered.

"Oh god," Gillian whispered to the room, her face forced up from the way he held her, his shoulder against her sternum, her back pressed flat against the wall, the picture frame still in her shoulder. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire and the rest of her body felt like it had been paralysed with a drug she couldn't combat. Cal was still panting against her while Gillian had to consciously compel all of her fingers to relax against his body. She gently tugged his hair to force his head back so she could look him in the eye. "Hey." She kissed him firmly. "Welcome home."

Cal immediately grinned. "Best reception I've eva had."

Gillian grinned back and kissed him, long and deep while the overwhelming throbbing of her body calmed down in time to her heartbeat.

"Did I hurt you?" Cal asked next.

"No," Gillian told him with a frown.

"Cos that was a bit intense."

Gillian looked into his eyes, they were just a few inches from hers; he looked concerned and sincere and she almost laughed with the tension but he was very serious so she shook her head slightly. "You didn't hurt me."

"You know I've always wanted to do this."

"What's that?" They had had sex up against a wall plenty of time. "Have sex in the office?"

Cal gave a trademark grin. "Yeah."

Gillian felt a little thrill bubble up from her stomach. "Well, I'm glad I could fulfil that for you." At least she hadn't turned all the lights on, they may have had an anonymous audience.

"Mm bloody perfect you are." Cal gave her another kiss. A little more languid this time, exploring and worshipping.

At an invisible signal Gillian dropped her legs from his waist and Cal let go of her gently. He moved away from her and she shuddered involuntarily again.

"You all right?" Cal asked.

"Yeah," Gillian grinned again. "I'm good." Cal smiled and tucked his shirt into the back of his trousers. Gillian did up the buttons on her shirt.

"We should go home," Cal noted doing up his trousers. He looked very pleased with himself.

"Yeah we should," Gillian agreed with a laugh. "Where are your things?" It suddenly occurred to her that he had arrived alone. She also gave a silent thanks for that too. She would have been immeasurably embarrassed if someone had happened to walk in on them.

"They lost my luggage."

"You're kidding? Your research?"

"Most of it I had with me, as carry on."

"That was lucky."

Cal gave a pleased expression. He crossed to take her hand and kissed her again. "I missed you luv."

Gillian gazed into his blue eyes and smiled. "You've got no idea."

"I might," he grinned. Gillian chuckled a little. He kissed her again. "My beautiful wife," he whispered.

"I'm glad you're home."

**PJ**

Gillian ran her fingers firmly up the length of his back, which was brown now, as was his face and arms and legs, the body oil letting the digits move with little friction. Cal gave a moan against the pillow. "Please tell me your back is sore from sleeping on the ground for four months and not from what happened earlier this evening."

Cal turned his head to give her a smirking grin. "It's from sleepin' on an army cot for four months."

Gillian gave a firm nod, "that's good. I don't feel so bad now."

Cal's smile widened before he buried his face in the pillow again. "You know, I've thought about havin' sex with you in my office for awhile."

"Have you?" Gillian asked surprised, not surprised, not sure if she should be embarrassed or perhaps intrigued that he had brought it up again.

"Yeah. I can cross that off my bucket list now."

Gillian smiled to herself. Maybe she should be pleased with that knowledge. She leaned forward and pressed her thumbs into his shoulders, eliciting another moan from her husband. She spent a few minutes there and then sat back on his butt and worked her hands against the middle of his back. He remained silent. His skin was smooth and felt silky from the massage lotion. After a shower, he smelt much more like she remembered and she could see now that his hair had grown even beyond the length he normally kept it.

"Are you awake Cal?"

"Mh hmm."

"Are you going to sleep now?"

"Mh hmm."

"Ok," Gillian whispered. She slid off the mattress and padded to the bathroom to wash her hands. When she came back she slipped under the sheet, pulling it up over Cal's back and leaned into his ear. "Cal?" She whispered very, very softly.

"Mm?"

"Shave the beard tomorrow."

"Mm," Cal answered sounding amused.

"I mean it." She kissed his temple, the only part of his face above the pillow she had access to. "Goodnight."

"Mm," Cal responded again.

Gillian reached for the bedside lamp and plunged the room into darkness. As she settled against her pillow, placing an arm over his back so she could snuggle up behind him, she could already hear Cal's steady slumber breathing.


	39. Chapter 39

Cal woke disorientated about the time and place. The room was bright and the mattress soft, maybe too soft, his back ached lightly; maybe last night had done something to it after all. He shifted slightly but his body felt like it was weighted down with dead blood. "Gill?" He mumbled to the room. It was quiet. Not even a car on the street. He forced himself to roll over, his limbs heavy and tingling as they got fresh blood. Clearly, he had not moved in the night at all. He cast bleary eyes on the other side of the bed. It was empty. He levered himself up on an elbow and glared at the digital clock on the bedside table, forcing his eyes to focus. It looked like eleven thirty. He spotted his cell phone on the pillow next to his and underneath it a note.

**Cal,**

**I wasn't kidding about the beard. Call me when you wake up.**

**xx**

Cal smirked to himself. He brought the phone up to his face, it was fully charged, and hit the speed dial. He leaned back against his pillow while it rang.

"Oh good you're finally awake," Gillian teased.

"Good mornin'," Cal greeted.

"How did you sleep?"

"Like a log."

"Mm, it sounded like it."

Cal chuckled. "Did I keep you awake?"

"No, I gave you a shunt and you closed your mouth."

"Oh good."

"I have to go, I'm about to walk into a meeting."

"All right luv. I'll see you late-a tonight."

"You sure will."

Cal smiled as he hung up. Then he buried his face in her pillow, breathing deeply to take in the scent of her.

**PJ**

Gillian came through the front door and was immediately assault by the smell of cooked food. She moved through to the kitchen quickly, her stomach giving a light squirm that meant she was hungry and also looking forward to seeing her husband. He was at the stove, in jeans and a casual t-shirt with an apron wrapped around his torso. His hair was clean and smoothed back, a few strands sticking out in a cute little duck tail at the base of his neck. The bench showed evidence of cooking, a chopping board and dirty knife present. The kitchen table was swamped with paperwork. It looked like it was scattered to simply take up every square inch of wood but there must have been some sort of order to it. A system only Cal would understand or see as being logical. A single biro pen was resting in the middle of the table. A comical contrast. And that wasn't even all of it. He had left most of it at the office last night.

"Geeze," Gillian stared at the mess in disbelief.

"Hi luv," Cal greeted turning away from the pots.

"Tell me you didn't work all day."

Cal looked sheepish. But he _had_ shaved.

"You're supposed to be resting," Gillian complained. She dropped her bag on the corner of the bench next to the fruit bowl.

"I don't rememba agreein' to that bit," Cal pointed out, coming around the bench.

"Well it was implied," Gillian grouched lightly. "Considering you've been flying around the world."

"I slept in," Cal got in close, hands on her hips, thighs brushing against hers.

"Mm and you've never been good at sitting still," Gillian mused, her stomach tightening with him so near.

Cal put his arms around her and silenced her with a kiss that lingered sweetly for a few good seconds. Gillian felt her cheeks heat. She kissed him again. "Something smells amazing," she told him softly.

"That's me," Cal quipped.

He _did_ smell good. She gave a 'hm' of agreement, wanting to close her eyes and get lost in him for a moment.

"Hungry?" He asked.

"Starving," Gillian responded.

"It's nearly ready. Have a seat," Cal indicated.

'_Where_?' Gillian thought, turning towards the kitchen table. She didn't dare reach for his papers though.

**PJ**

"No, no, no," Cal interrupted her. "There is no way."

"Yes," Gillian insisted. She almost laughed. This she had missed, the verbal sparring. It didn't take them long to fall back in to their comfortable routine.

Cal opened his mouth to object again and suddenly closed it. He went still and narrowed his eyes, looking toward the door. Gillian heard high heels click over the hard floor and she turned her head to see who was entering. Zoe. Cal got to his feet and leaned on the top of his desk, pressing down on his finger tips; they turned white. "What do you want Zoe?" He asked rudely.

Gillian felt her eyes widen in shock. She turned from Zoe's surprised expression to Cal's face. He looked angry.

"I'm not allowed to stop by?"

"I told you I don't wanna see you."

"I have a case."

"Well then, you can work with Gillian or Ria," Cal told her simply. "Your choice."

Gillian didn't dare glance over her shoulder again. She felt her neck prickle and knew Zoe was looking at her.

"Fine," Zoe responded. "I'll go find Torres."

Gillian heard her shoes on the floor again, retreating this time.

"Zoe," Cal called to her.

"What?"

"She's Mrs Dupree now. She got married a few years ago."

Gillian could hear Zoe give a heavy sigh, as if she didn't care, and the sound of the other woman's heels again on the hard floor, departing, fading as they went down the hallway. Gillian could just imagine the disparaging expression she shot Cal before leaving the room. Cal finally glanced down at her and then sat. "Where were we?"

"Are you serious?" Gillian asked him, still amazed.

Cal looked alarmed, like he had missed something. "You don't wanna discuss it anymore?"

"Ok, I give, what the hell was that?"

Cal stared at her without moving for a second, then his eyes narrowed in anger again. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Well I do."

"Tough," Cal cut her off roughly.

Gillian tensed her shoulders in response. She was thoroughly confused. "What happened with…"

"I don't wanna discuss it," Cal insisted.

"I'm not trying to interfere," Gillian tried a different tact.

"Then _don't_," Cal growled.

Gillian stared at him. "Fine," she got to her feet.

"So you're just gonna take off?"

"Yep," Gillian answered without turning around. "Until you calm down and want to talk to me." She left and approached the desk where Heidi sat typing on the computer keyboard. "Is Zoe Landau still here?"

"No, she got on the elevator and left."

"Good. Is Ria still in the AV room?"

"I think so," Heidi answered.

"If Zoe comes back, direct her to Ria. She's going to be dealing with her from now on."

"Ok," Heidi agreed dubiously.

Gillian headed for the AV room. Ria was sitting at one of the consoles watching the screen avidly while she took notes. She ignored the door until Gillian was standing next to her. "What's up?"

"I need you to do me a favour."

"Ok," Ria agreed cautiously.

"Zoe Landau."

"What about her?"

Gillian didn't miss the narrowing of her colleagues eyes. "If she wants to hire this company to work with her in the future, she's to work with you or Eli."

Ria looked mildly surprise. "Anything going on that I should know about?"

"I don't know. That's what Cal wants. It's either you or me…"

"Enough said," Ria cut in dryly.

"Thanks Ria," Gillian told her sincerely.

"Not a problem," Ria said with a hard edge in her voice.

Gillian doubted Zoe would be able to play many successful games with Mrs Dupree.

**PJ**

Cal stalked into her office an hour later and closed the door roughly. "Are we fightin'?"

"What?" Gillian asked in amused disbelief. It took her a second to follow his thought pattern. She liked that he was concerned enough to come and ask though. That was a big step for Cal; he was a firm subscriber to the sullen sulk.

"Fighting," Cal over enunciated. "You and me." He seemed agitated.

"I didn't think so," Gillian answered cautiously.

Cal sat and then got up again and paced back and forth in front of her desk. "I don't want us to fight." He faced her and then went back to moving around. "But I know I should tell you what happened with Zoe, for communication and all that." He waved a hand absently. "Just for the record, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to eva find out."

Obviously.

Gillian leaned back in her desk chair and watched him. He was really agitated. She waited for him to go on, sensing it would be better to not push him.

"Zoe came to see me on our weddin' day."

"I didn't see her there."

"She came to the house in the mornin', before I left."

"She what?"

"She came to talk to me."

"About what?" Gillian demanded feeding off the anger he seemed to barely be able to keep in check. At least it wasn't directed at her this time.

"She wanted me to runaway with her."

"She what?!" Gillian turned her office chair and almost got up.

"I told her no obviously and that I didn't wanna see her again. That's why I asked her to leave just now." Cal stopped walking and faced her.

"I can't believe she actually tried to stop our wedding," Gillian breathed out in amazement. "What is her problem with me?" A flash of guilt quickly crossed Cal's features. "You know why," Gillian suddenly realised. She got to her feet, disliking that she had to look up at Cal to have this conversation. She came around the desk slightly so it wasn't between them anymore. "Oh my god, have you known why this _whole time_?"

Cal gave a slight shrug, his face was still drawn into the shapes of anger and he was shifting his weight from foot to foot, unable to stand still.

"Why? What did I do?"

"It's nuthin' you did. It was neva anythin' you did."

Gillian gave him an expression that said he should explain. He sighed and rubbed his eyes with his left hand, his wedding ring obvious on the third finger. He picked something out of the corner of his eye. "It was me. I sort of had a soft spot for you and she suspected and that pissed her off, among otha things. It caused a lot of tension," he said gently.

Gillian was surprised. "You had a soft spot for me?" Was her first question, which she quickly followed up with: "Did she know nothing ever happened? That I didn't even know that until _right now_?" Which was true. When she had first met Cal she had been very naive. About a lot of things, her ability to have children, her ability to make a marriage last a life time, about humanity and what people were capable of doing to each other. And clearly about Cal's interest in her.

"Yeah she knew," Cal answered bluntly. It actually just annoyed Gillian more. "But that neva stopped her from bein' jealous."

Another thought horrified Gillian. "Please tell me that I was _not_ the reason why your marriage broke up."

"You're not the reason," Cal lied easily. Not the only reason anyway; actually, there were a lot of reasons and Gillian had been just a small factor, more of a nuisance really, something Zoe threw in Cal's face occasionally. Sometimes when something started to fall apart it just kept on falling. Yes, he'd had a soft spot for Gillian back then, but he had never let it develop into feelings. It never interfered with his marriage.

Gillian stared at him silently for a moment. God, their wedding day? Was Zoe really that callous? And then something else occurred to her. "Is that why Emily isn't talking to her mother?"

"Somethin' along those lines."

"You can't condone that."

Cal gave another shrug. "It's not my place to interfere."

"Of course it is, she's your daughter and Zoe is her mother. She can't just not talk to her mother because she did a shitty thing to you." To us.

Cal held up a hand; a stop gesture. "I haven't asked her to do anythin' on my behalf. If she doesn't wanna talk to her mutha, that's her business."

"You really believe that?" Gillian asked in surprised disbelief.

"She's nearly twenty. She can make her own decisions."

"But you never stop being her parent," Gillian pointed out.

Cal turned the edge of his lip up in a snarl. He jabbed a finger at her, his anger redirected and clearly not abated. "It's not that simple." He turned toward the door.

"It seems simple to me," Gillian told his retreating back, annoyed that he was walking out, dismissing their discussion for the second time that morning.

"Well you're not a parent, so you would think that," Cal threw at her before opening the door and storming out again.

Gillian dropped back into her chair suddenly. She felt like she had just been slapped.

**PJ**

"Are you busy luv? Can you talk?"

"Sure, Dad. I'm on my way to class, but I can spare you ten minutes or so. What's up?"

"It's about your mutha."

"What about her?" Emily's enthusiasm dropped.

"Sweetheart, you can't cut her out forevea."

"You want me to just forgive her?"

"You don't have anythin' to forgive her about. This was about me and her."

"Dad," Emily complained.

"Don't take sides."

"I'm not. I'm taking a stand. She always does this. She always acts really shitty and then just pretends nothing happened. She always just does what she wants. Especially to you and you just let her get away with it. I'm tired of it. When is she ever accountable for her actions huh?"

"Yeah that might be true luv, but I don't need you to fight my battles with me."

Emily was silent.

"Still with me?"

"Yeah I'm here." Emily paused. "Did she talk to you about this? Is this coming from her?"

"Nah this comes from me."

Well, Gillian actually.

"Will you think about it luv?"

"Fine," Emily begrudgingly agreed.

Cal couldn't believe that was so easy. "That's it?"

"Do you want me to talk to her or not?"

"I do," Cal quickly affirmed.

"Then I'll talk to her."

"Good."

"Dad?"

"Yes luv?"

"Were you serious about not seeing her again?"

"Yeah I was. I think that's easy-a. Is that all right?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because it's betta for you when your mutha and I are gettin' along and playin' nicely togetha."

"That is nice but like you said, there aren't a lot of reasons for everyone to get together anymore."

"Yeah, just graduation, grandkids..."

"Ok Dad, let's not get ahead of ourselves."

Cal sniggered to himself.

"Hey I have to go."

"All right."

"Was there anything else?" She sounded weary now.

"No, luv, that was it."

**PJ**

"I talked to her."

"Who?"

"Emily."

"Congratulations," Gillian responded snidely.

"About her mutha," Cal pressed on. "You were right."

"Geeze, did that hurt coming out? It must have been lodged deep in the back of your throat. Really ripped it raw."

"All right, don't be snide." Cal sat near her feet, facing her. He placed a hand on the top of her knee, which was forming a peak where she lay on the bed. Gillian gave him an unimpressed smirk. Cal kept his tone soft. "Give me a chance, I'm tryin' to make up here."

Yeah, ok, she had to concede that he was admitting fault and she could be more gracious about it.

"I'm sorry Gill. I wasn't even mad at you."

"I know."

Cal raised his eyebrows. "You did?"

"Mh hmm," Gillian nodded.

"Why did you let me nut off at you then?"

"Because, when you're married, that's what you let your partner do. Nut off occasionally. It's healthy. The trick is to try and not take it personally." Cal watched her carefully. Gillian laughed lightly. "Don't do that. I didn't take it personally," she insisted.

"Sorry," Cal responded automatically. He paused. Took a breath. "I really like bein' married to you." Gillian gave a slight smile. So they were good on that front but... Cal dipped his head slightly, ashamed, "What I said about you not bein' a parent."

Ok, so that comment still stung a bit. The smile faded.

"That was completely out of line."

"It's ok," Gillian sighed.

"It's not really. Don't do that, placate me because we're married."

"Ok. You can be callous bastard sometimes."

"That's betta," Cal gave her an encouraging smile. But he could still see the hurt on her features. He didn't need to be an expert at reading micro-expressions to see it. "What I said was cruel and I really didn't mean that at all. You've been an amazin' influence on my daughta and you've made me be a betta fartha. I value your opinion more than anythin' else when it comes to her. I actually value your opinion more than anythin' else when it comes to a lot of things."

Gillian reached out her hand to take Cal's. "Thank you."

"Did I mention I was sorry?"

"You have now."

"So, I've cova-ed all the bases? Was dinna enough or do you need more grovellin'?"

Gillian gave a slight smile. "No."

"Want me to sleep on the couch tonight?"

"Definitely not. You just got home."

"So we're good?"

"Tell me about when you had a thing for me," Gillian changed the subject, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Cal looked pained. "I don't want to."

"I want to hear about it."

Cal shook his head. He looked disturbed. "It was just a bit of a soft spot."

"What does that mean?"

"It was affection."

Gillian smiled, pleased. "Really?"

"Yeah, a friendship crush, sort of an admiration thing."

"Oh," Gillian gave a slow nod of understanding.

Cal hoped she would think she was reading too much into it. It had been a slip of the tongue, admitting that he'd had a thing for her back then. The knowledge was just for him and everyone else to speculate about it. Even if it was true. Boy had he been gutted when she had gotten engaged and then to have met Alec and seen what a plonker he was, and she married him...


	40. Chapter 40

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course luv, you can talk to me about anythin'." Cal stroked her hair, not missing the fact that once again they were in bed and she was lying in his arms so he couldn't see her face.

Gillian paused. "I don't know how to start this conversation."

Cal felt immediately suspicious. Conversations that started out like this, in his experience, didn't tend to work out well. And Gillian was being cautious.

"I don't know how to broach the subject without it seeming completely random."

"I'll take that into account."

She gave a slight smile but it faded away quickly and she licked her lips in a nervous gesture. Cal reached across and placed his hand on her forearm and gave it a quick rub; he could sense her hesitation even if he couldn't see it. "Go ahead sweetheart. I'm listenin'."

"Your Mom. Was there a family history of depression?"

"Why do you want to know this?"

"You never talk about her."

"I don't like to."

"I know and normally I would respect that but Emily brought up a good point…"

'_And it's something that's occasionally on my mind_…'

"You talked to Emily about this?" Cal sounded slightly incredulous.

"She talked to _me_."

"What did she say?"

"She wondered if you ever thought about… hurting yourself," Gillian hesitated and decided on the lesser extreme.

"Of course I haven't," Cal answered abruptly. "Does she think I would?"

"She doesn't know what to think."

"What brought this on?"

"She took psych one-oh-one last year."

"Oh that." Cal cleared his throat. He paused, suppressed a sigh and then started talking in a low voice. "My grandfatha, by all accounts, was a heavy drinka, used to have nightmares, from the war." He paused. "But he was neva diagnosed with anythin'. Probably had shell shock."

"Mm," Gillian agreed.

"But that's all I know in the way of the mental health in my Mum's family. I don't think about endin' my life," he added in a soft voice. "I promise you. I neva have and if I eva did, I would tell you so you can put me in a straight jacket and load me up with drugs so I don't go anywhere."

Gillian almost laughed at the image but with the subject matter it didn't quite seem appropriate.

"Gill, I promise you."

She shifted her head to look at his face. Not to see if he was lying but she felt compelled to see his eyes. He looked very serious. "I worry about you sometimes," she whispered.

Cal's expression remained still. He wasn't going to give anything away to her, not even now. "Do you luv?"

"Yes."

"I'm all right."

"Sometimes I wonder."

Cal's blue eyes flickered away for a micro-second before they were back on her face. "I'm all right," he repeated.

'_Liar_,' Gillian thought sadly.

**PJ**

"What can I do for you Doctor Lightman?"

Cal took his time settling into the black leather couch. Why was it psychologists always had leather couches in their offices? Even Gillian had had a leather couch in her office when Cal had first met her. And they always had cushions and pot plants. Comforting tools, Cal knew. He didn't feel comforted. And their walls were painted in neutral soothing colours. Doctor Wu's office was beige, the carpet was cream. When Cal was sufficiently slouched back on his elbow he answered: "My wife thinks I'm depressed." He said it matter-of-factly.

"Oh." A pause. A micro-expression of genuine surprise. Cal surmised not too many people made their way into this office actually already being aware of a problem. "And what do you think about that?"

"I don't know what to think about that," Cal used the doctor's exact words. He couldn't help himself. "But I trust her opinion."

The doctor wrote something down in a leather bound notebook. He was a young Asian-American man. Black hair and very dark brown eyes, smooth tanned skin, but a fully American accent; a hint of the south in fact. Cal would have guessed he was of Korean descent. His parents probably immigrated during the war in the 1960's. "What made her come to this conclusion? You being depressed?"

"I didn't actually ask," Cal mused. "But I think it's been on her mind for a while."

"Something must have happened for her to get this idea in her head," Doctor Wu pressed.

"She's a shrink, just like you," Cal finally gave the definitive answer the doctor was looking for. Cal wasn't going to sit there and say 'I've just been so sad recently'. But if Gillian said she thought he wasn't ok, then he did trust her. He would think about it. He was thinking about it. "So I think she'd know what she's talkin' about." Which helped Cal to trust her opinion. Otherwise he would have been inclined to shrug it off as nonsense. Even if she was his wife.

"Does she know that you're here?"

"Nope. Haven't told her." And he didn't plan on doing so either.

"Why not?"

"Not sure why I'm here," Cal answered lightly. Which was also the truth. Gillian thought he was depressed. Cal didn't know for sure, but was inclined to agree that he was a little 'off'. More than usual. But as for being depressed... The notion seemed extreme. There was a good chance Gillian wanted to see something that wasn't there. But for her sake. Cal was there to find out.

Doctor Wu put his pen down. "Then what is it that you want from me?"

'_I want you to tell me I'm not crazy_.'

"Second opinion."

"You want me to assess you?"

"Yep."

"You'll have to answer all my questions honestly," Wu warned.

"I think I can manage that," Cal gave a devilish grin. May as well have some fun while he was at it.

**PJ**

"Are you ok?" Gillian looked up concerned. "You look a bit pale."

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Gillian pressed lightly. "Because you really do look kind of awful."

"Thanks luv," Cal responded sardonically.

Gillian gave him a slight smile. "I mean that in an endearing way."

"I feel fine," Cal insisted. "Maybe I'm just tired." He held out a massive stack of papers towards her, his arm wavering under the extended weight. "Anyway. I came to give you this."

"What is it?" Gillian asked mildly intrigued but mostly perturbed by the sheer volume of papers.

"Preliminary draft."

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Your research?"

"Yeah."

"You finished it?" It had only been a month since he was home.

"I think so."

"You want me to read it?"

"I'd love for you to read it."

"Are you sure? I'm not going to sugar coat it."

"I would expect nothin' less from you sweetheart."

Gillian gave a smile. She stood and reached out for the thick manuscript, which was bound together with a large green rubber band. She had to use both hands and dropped it to the desk with a thud. This would have been all the information gathered on Cal's research trip placed into a logical order. All the anthropological studies, psychological studies, interviews, diaries, environmental information, charts, histories, everything.

"Be gentle it's my only copy."

"That better not be true," Gillian started to say and looked up to find him grinning in a mocking way. She gave him a begrudging expression. "Smart ass," she muttered good-naturedly under her breath.

**PJ**

"You're very quiet."

"I'm thinking."

"I meant about the research."

Gillian smiled to herself in the dark. His curiosity had won out after all. "I haven't finished reading it." It had only been a week after all, and despite the fact that Cal had only been working part time on cases with the Lightman Group, so he could work on his research, she had still been dealing with a full work load.

"You must read slow."

"Actually I've been busy working."

"Oh that."

Gillian rolled over and placed an arm over his abdomen, an act she had done a million times. Cal shoved her hand away in a flash muttering an 'ouch' under his breath. Gillian was immediately alarmed. "What?"

"Nothin'."

"Are you in pain?" She asked with heightened concern.

"Nah, I'm fine."

"You keep saying that but I know you've been throwing up too." She sat up slightly. She couldn't see his face in the dark but she could see his outline. He was lying on his back, and if she thought about it, he had been pretty still most of the evening too.

He turned his head towards her from the neck. "It's just a stomach bug, that's all," Cal dismissed.

"You should see a doctor."

"I don't need to see a docta," Cal immediately insisted. "It'll pass in a few days."

"Maybe you should stay home tomorrow."

"I'm all right," Cal started to say.

"I meant, so you don't contaminate everyone else," Gillian told him off humourlessly, her tone harder than their normal light banter. God, he could be so stubborn sometimes. She lay down again, away from him this time. And she kept her hands to herself.

**PJ**

Gillian was already distracted so she wasn't exactly paying attention to the number on her phone when it rang. When she heard Ria's voice she felt weary. There was probably something else amiss now that she was required to deal with. Cal was holed up in his office playing the recluse today and he had picked such a brilliant day to do it. They were busy and she didn't have time to take on his workload as well as holding Mr Warner's hand right now.

"It's Cal," Ria told her.

"What about him?" Gillian asked dryly.

"He's collapsed with some sort of stomach pain and he's been vomiting. I called an ambulance."

"What!?" Gillian's heart started thundering. She slammed on the brakes, barely stopping in time as the traffic slowed. She knew better than to talk on her phone while driving but there was nowhere to pull over.

"They're taking him to St Andrew's."

Gillian could hear Ria sounded distressed. For a second she didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what's going on," Ria continued.

"Uh, no, that's ok, thank you, um, St Andrews?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you," Gillian said again. She hung up, not thinking about anything else besides getting to the hospital. As she drove there she got angrier. Cal had been sick for awhile. At least a week that she had noticed. He was too damn stubborn. She should have insisted he see a doctor. She should have just taken him, forced him to go. What if it was serious?

She approached the ER receptionist. "Excuse me," she started politely. "I'm looking for my husband, Doctor Cal Lightman. He was brought in with stomach pain."

The ER receptionist held up a hand to silence her. "I'm busy at this moment. Take a seat, I'll be with you in a minute."

Gillian's annoyance ratcheted up a thousand knots, her patience non-existent. "I know you're not busy so just look him up on the computer and tell me where the hell he is."

The receptionist looked startled. She tapped some keys on the computer keyboard, read the screen. "He's been taken into surgery."

"Surgery?" Gillian repeated alarmed. "What for?"

"Doesn't say."

She could see that wasn't true either. "Which floor?" She growled with a glare.

"Four." The receptionist stared back.

Gillian stalked away to the elevators. She punched the button five times aggressively before she realised a man sitting in a wheelchair was staring at her. She suddenly felt self-conscious. Her cheeks flamed. In the elevator she removed her coat. The fourth floor was serene compared to the hectic buzz of the ER department. She headed along the corridor, following signs to the reception area. A blonde haired nurse looked up immediately and gave her a pleasant smile. "Can I help you?" She asked politely.

"I'm looking for my husband," Gillian started. "I was told he's in surgery."

"What's his name? I can look him up."

"Doctor Cal Lightman."

More tapping on keys. The nurse looked up. "He's been admitted to the hospital and it says he's been taken into emergency surgery."

"For what?"

"Are you family?"

"I'm his wife."

"It says he came in with abdominal pain." She gave Gillian an apologetic expression for the lack of information. "But let me check to see if his chart has come up. That'll have more details from the ER doctor." She turned to a stack of metal clipboards on the end of the sweeping desk. She pulled one from the bottom. "Doctor Lightman. Arrived with severe abdominal pain and vomiting. Doctor Randal signed him off for an emergency appendectomy."

"Appendicitis," Gillian almost whispered. The bastard. He would have been in pain for days.

"Most appendectomies are completely routine," the nurse continued reassuringly, giving another sympathetic expression. Gillian noted her name was Brenda from the tag on her chest. She looked at her watch. "He shouldn't be more than a couple of hours if you want to take a seat and wait?"

"Thank you," Gillian responded numbly. "I'll make a call first."

"There's a pay phone around the corner or you can use your cell phone in the stair well."

"Thank you," Gillian said again before walking away. The stairs were down the hallway from the elevators so she retraced her steps. She called Ria.

"What's going on?"

"He's in surgery. Suspected appendicitis."

"Geeze."

"Yeah, look, are you ok to handle Mr Warner?"

"Of course," Ria responded immediately. "Yeah I can totally meet with him."

"My case notes are on my desk. Top folder."

"Ok."

"And can you ask Heidi to reschedule Cal's appointments? I'm sure he was meeting Mrs Branch later this afternoon."

"Yep. Anything else?"

"I can't think of anything."

"Are you going to be in tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure at this stage."

"Not a problem. I'll take care of it. Don't worry," Ria suddenly sounded forceful. "Let me know when he's out."

Gillian went back to the waiting room. She pulled out her phone to text Emily but after she had typed out the message she hesitated. She probably wasn't allowed to send a message from here anyway, and what was the point in worrying the young woman when she had very little information to share in the first place? It wasn't like Emily could rush on over from Boston after class. She put the phone away. With nothing else to do for an hour and a half she obsessed over Cal's well being. It was hard to tell which emotion was stronger, anger or concern. She wondered if he had done it on purpose. Surely he would have known something was wrong. Why had he not been worried enough to see a doctor? Why hadn't he seemed worried at all?

"Mrs Lightman?"

Gillian looked up. A man in blue scrubs was hovering near where she sat. She got up. "Yes."

"I'm Doctor Randal. I operated on your husband this afternoon."

Gillian nodded. She understood. They shook hands.

"He's fine. The surgery was completely routine, no complications. The appendix was intact but severely infected and it was removed cleanly. You can see him if you'd like."

'_Dumb question_,' Gillian thought. "Yes please," she gave a nod and a smile.

"He's in recovery room three." He turned to walk away.

"Can I ask you something?" Gillian stopped him.

"Sure."

"How soon do symptoms present in appendicitis?"

Dr Randal appeared to think for a second. "Well often cases differ from each other but on average, a couple of days of abdominal pain and some vomiting are an indication."

"Thank you."

Doctor Randal signalled the direction of the recovery rooms. "He's just through there. He'll be groggy from the anaesthetic. "

Gillian thanked him again and walked away. It was very quiet in this part of the hospital and she felt like she was trespassing. She almost tip toed in her heels but the corridor was carpeted. She found room three easily and pushed on the door gently. Cal was in the centre of the small, boxy room, lying in the middle of a bed. A pink blanket was pulled up to his waist; he was wearing a hospital gown. A drip needle was in his arm, a heart monitor attached to his left index finger. There was a lamp on over the bed. He looked pale. It might have been the lighting. He didn't stir as Gillian let the door click shut gently behind her. She crossed the room in a few strides and peered down at him. He was breathing evenly, his eyes still beneath the lids. He was still out of it.

She took a seat next to him, slipping her hand into his. His skin was warm. She took that as a good sign. He might have simply been asleep if he had been in another location. She sat watching him for ten minutes, wanting to wake him up but knowing that a herd of elephants probably wouldn't have much impact on his drug induced slumber. She sat back, releasing his hand, suddenly feeling very tired. The dull light was making her eyes ache; she closed them but she didn't sleep. She kept thinking about Cal's refusal to see a doctor even though it was clear he was sick. Why had he done that? Why was it he always had little concern about his own well being? Always the first to run into the fire...

"Gill?" A voice croaked at her.

Her eyes flew open. Cal was squinting at her. "Hey," she slipped her hand back into his. He squeezed her fingers. "Stupid question, but how are you feeling?"

"Like I've been drugged."

Gillian forced a smile. "Do you know what happened?"

"Somethin' about my appendix," Cal muttered.

"Yeah," Gillian confirmed softly. "Are you in pain? I can get the nurse."

"I'm all right luv."

"Yeah so you keep saying," she said passive-aggressively.

Cal didn't react. "Can we talk about it late-a? I'm really tired."

"Sure," Gillian gave him another forced smile. She gave his hand a squeeze. "I'm glad you're ok." Cal looked guilty for a second before closing his eyes again. Within a minute he was asleep.

Now that he was awake from the anaesthetic, Gillian didn't want to go anywhere. She was hungry but was afraid to leave the room in case Cal woke up again. While he slept, she calmed down. He was ok. Her fear had driven the situation to the worst scenario. He looked peaceful asleep. She saw him every day but now she studied his face carefully. The lines around his eyes were getting to be deep seated; visible even now his face was relaxed. His wedding ring had been taped to his finger.

Eventually, Gillian had to cave and leave the room to go to the bathroom. But when she came back Cal was still asleep, the same position; he hadn't moved, she hadn't missed anything. It was getting late now and she wondered if he was going to sleep right through the night. Probably. She gathered her things together then leaned over the bed to kiss his cheek. Cal stirred.

"It's just me," Gillian whispered. "I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow."

"All right luv," Cal muttered.

Gillian kissed him again and moved away from the bed quietly.


	41. Chapter 41

**PJPJPJPJ**

"Hey," Cal greeted her the next morning with a cheerful expression. He had been moved to another ward. The room was still small but there were three other empty beds accompanying Cal's. It must have been a slow day in the surgery department of St Andrew's.

Gillian was amazed to see him sitting up, with colour in his cheeks. The IV drip was gone and so was the heart monitor. It was still early in the morning but he looked like he had been awake for a while. "Amazing what a good night's sleep can do. You look better."

"I feel much betta. Doc reckons I can go home late-a today."

"That's good," Gillian was surprised again. "So soon?"

Cal gave a slight shrug. "I guess so."

"Good," Gillian said again feeling stupidly inarticulate. She placed her bag and coat on the chair, then turned to Cal and kissed him briefly in greeting.

Cal put his left hand up on her elbow to keep her in place. He looked her deep in the eye. "I'm sorry luv." He hesitated for a second, thinking, and then decided that that was all he was going to say.

"Cal…"

"I know I scared you."

"You did," Gillian agreed bluntly. "But there's more to it than that."

Cal watched her take a seat. She pulled it closer to the bed. He had a height advantage now but nowhere to escape to. She was thinking about what she wanted to say when he spoke again. "I don't know why I behave the way I do. But I'm sorry about that. I'm still in the mentality of worryin' about myself. Which is a terrible thing to say to my wife, I know." He looked apologetic.

"Do you know how long we've been together?"

Cal looked guilty again for the briefest second. "I know how long we've been married, does that count?"

"Four years."

"Four years?" Cal repeated raising his eyebrows. It didn't feel like four years.

"Do you know how long we've even known each other?" Gillian continued softly.

"Twelve years."

"How can you still think you're alone?" She gave him an earnest expression. She asked it gently but it was such a good point the force of it opened a little door in Cal's heart that had been barring away a particular pain.

"I don't know why I keep thinkin' I'm gonna be alone."

"Because Zoe left?"

"Sure."

"Because your mother left," Gillian stated carefully. She looked him in the eye, her expression calm and wise.

If it had been anyone else, Cal would have been angry. He would have been angry because he would have heard an accusation and maybe a little truth. But this was Gillian, his best friend and wife and someone who's opinion and insight he valued over everything else and he couldn't fault her on hitting the nail on the head. She was good at that. Always had been. The silence between them stretched out for a long time but neither looked away and neither felt uncomfortable under each other's gaze.

"Yeah you're right," Cal finally responded in a soft tone. "You'd think I'd have moved on by now. She's been gone thirty years."

Gillian reached up and put a hand over his, tucking her fingers into his palm. "I understand," was all she said.

**PJ**

They drove home in silence. It wasn't completely uncomfortable, more that there was an air of anticipation between them. Cal knew he had more he should say to Gillian but even though he knew it was inevitable, it didn't mean the words were going to come out any easier. Gillian wasn't making ultimatums, but Cal knew if he didn't speak up now he was going to lose her. It would be the start of him pushing her away while she simultaneously distanced herself. It had happened with Zoe too, albeit for different reasons. And he had almost done the same thing with his daughter, before Gillian had intervened. This was important and he had to step outside of his comfort zone if he wanted to hold onto what was most dear to him.

Cal felt vulnerable with a hole in his abdominal wall. He could feel the throbbing of the wound now and the pain medication he had been sent home with didn't quite diminish it enough to be able to forget. He was restricted to bed and was glad to be there, his body feeling weak. It was probably just his imagination. Being in bed though made him feel safe. A remnant of childhood.

"I always knew my mutha was sick," Cal started talking in a soft voice. Gillian had fussed around him, her nature to mother and Cal let her because right now he needed the comfort. Now, they were lying together, Gillian with her head resting on his shoulder. "She always was a little off the wall. She did things differently. And sometimes she would go away for long periods of time to hospitals and we would go visit her as little boys, not understandin' why she looked so terrible and yet they wouldn't tell us what was wrong with her." He was remembering and it was painful. It was always painful. That's why he tried to avoid it as much as possible. "When I got olda it didn't take much to work it out, you know?"

Gillian nodded slightly.

"Everythin' about her made much more sense when I started studyin' her disease. That's a terrible way to get to know your mutha but that's all I had because no one would talk about it." He paused, gave a slight frown. "I always felt like I was alone. Even when she was around. All through my childhood." He paused and she looked up at him; he was inviting her to comment.

"Why are you telling me this?" Gillian asked gently.

"Aren't we defined by our childhoods?"

"So the books tell us," Gillian responded lightly.

Cal gave his amused smirk. "I guess I'm more defined by mine than I thought."

"In what way?"

"You know before I came to America I was in Bosnia?"

"Yes."

Cal was thoughtful for a moment. "Bosnia was… a war zone. And war always brings evil out of the woodwork. I was workin' for British Intelligence, tryin' to get information out of men about the war crimes."

Gillian watched him impassively. He had never talked to her about his time working for British Intelligence, only that he had worked for the department and that he spent some time in Northern Ireland and Bosnia. She had thought nothing of prying into that aspect of his life. He was always private about everything, why wouldn't he also be private about those episodes? He was probably under obligation to not discuss them either. She had heard rumours that something had happened in Bosnia that had ultimately resulted in Cal proverbially running away to the United States. But no one knew what that something was.

"These men had families, wives, kids, parents, just like the apparent good guys. But the things they had done to otha men, boys, women, little girls," Cal shook his head. He was still disgusted. "I can't talk about the details. But one night it was very late and we'd been tryin' for hours to get the whereabouts of a major playa." Cal looked her in the eye. "The British weren't opposed to usin' whateva tactics they could to get what they wanted. You have to undastand that."

Gillian nodded. She probably couldn't have responded right now, even if she wanted to. He had a compelling way of telling this story.

"I'd been tryin' to get the information for days. But this one guy was a world class lie-a. He had me completely lost. He fed me false leads, was constantly misleadin'. And I was frustrated." He stopped, seemed to weigh up his options. "I can't tell you what happened, otha than that. But I'm not proud of my part in it. Any of it. What went on was almost as bad as what these men were bein' accused of. It made me sick and eventually I couldn't take it anymore."

Gillian nodded again. She understood. She knew British Intelligence had followed Cal to America, slapped him with contracts and law suits to make sure he kept his mouth shut.

"Do you think less of me?"

"Of course not. What happened was back then. We've all done things in the past we're not entirely proud of. We've all made mistakes. It wasn't an ideal situation to begin with Cal. But I know at heart you're a good man."

Cal actually felt comforted by that. "At the time, I felt like there was no one to be accountable to. I could just run around and do what I wanted. I could accuse anyone and there were no repercussions. Even if it turned out I was wrong. No one pushed me to be a betta person. There was nothin' in particula to live for, no purpose, so I tried to just make the most of it. It felt like a game. But I started to realise that was someone's life I was messin' with."

"Then what changed?" Gillian prompted.

"I was thinkin' one day that if my mutha was alive and well, she would be appalled at what I was doin' there."

"So you came to America?"

"The land of opportunity right? Where people come to start ova?"

Gillian smiled. She moved carefully closer, trying not to jostle the mattress where he lay and kissed him on the lips. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered against his mouth before kissing him again.

**PJ**

"So you're back." Doctor Wu was weary and Cal didn't blame him. Cal could be a right bastard when he heard something he didn't like. Just ask Gillian. He hadn't been fair to the good doctor the last time he had been to see him. He had only done what Cal had asked him to do. Assess him. Cal just wasn't happy with the results. It was one of those catch twenty-two situations. If Cal was right, then he would feel vindicated, but he wasn't getting an answer as to why he felt lousy all the time. And yet, if Doctor Wu was right, that meant Cal was depressed and he hated to think he had a weakness he couldn't control.

Cal had a hard time being happy at the moment. He had married the love of his life and yet he couldn't shake off that 'down' feeling. It was feeling as though he shouldn't let himself be too happy, just in case it didn't work out. Gillian was noticing his mood more and more, and pushing him to open up to her. And Cal hated to make her worry. So he was back and he was conceding that both Gillian and the good Doctor Wu were in fact right. He had a mild form of depression. Tough as that was to admit to.

"I am," Cal responded obviously.

"What can I do for you on this occasion?"

_Fix me._

"I think I got a few things I need to work through." He still felt guilty but mostly he felt disgust. Disgust with himself and a lot of disgust for the British Government. They were cold and ruthless and that was what had forced him out of his home in the end. He just couldn't be a part of it anymore. Somewhere deep down he had found his scruples.

Doctor Wu shifted in his chair slightly. Cal could see him visibly sit taller in his leather chair, straighten his shoulders and puff his chest out. So Doctor Wu liked to feel important and helpful. Why else become a psychologist? He picked up his pen in his left hand, poised the nib of it over the yellow legal pad in his lap, ready to take notes, ready to dive on into Cal's psyche. Cal hated psychologists. On principal. They were annoying because they were able to find out so much, read too much into everything. In Cal's opinion, most of them got it wrong. Except Gillian. She had a way of really seeing people.

Zoe once accused Cal of hating to be stripped bare like he did to the people around him. It was true. He didn't like feeling vulnerable. It was probably why people thought he was so damn annoying. Gillian wasn't annoying. She was lovely. And she was the reason why he was back. Death wish? Not entirely. At least, not consciously. But there was definitely some self destruction somewhere in there he clearly hadn't dealt with properly. He didn't know if it was his mother, his father, or British Intelligence, Zoe, Emily... whatever it was. He was willing to talk it through, to get to the heart of the problem and make it go away once and for all. For Gillian's sake.

"Tell me about your marriage," Doctor Wu started.

"It's new. My second. Her second. I've been in love with her for a long time. But I didn't think I would fall so hard. I have to wonda if it's healthy."

Doctor Wu gave him raised eyebrows. No genuine surprise there but if he had expected Cal to be a passive spectator on his own life like a lot of the other people who walked through that door, he was wrong. Cal might act the fool but he thought very deeply about a lot of things. He just never expected he was going to have to share them with a stranger.

**PJPJPJPJ**


	42. Chapter 42

Cal pushed on the bedroom door gently; it moved over the carpet in a soft hiss. That was all the sound it made. Gillian had her knees curled up toward her chest, in a foetal position, her back to the door; a psychologically comforting position. He stepped through the doorway, careful not to knock against it, or the frame, and make a noise, in case she was asleep. She wasn't. He could see her eyes open when he got closer. They shifted to where he was approaching from the left, though he doubted she could see him clearly from the angle in which she lay; he was too far over her shoulder.

"You all right luv?" He asked softly, almost at a whisper, closing the gap and leaning over her, without touching the bed or disturbing the mattress, to see her face.

"Mm hmm," she shifted her head to face him.

"Heidi said you went home early cos you weren't feelin' well," Cal spoke gently.

"Mm," she gave a meek smile, almost embarrassed. "Just women stuff."

Cal gave a grave nod. He had been out of the office, working on a case, but was still surprised Gillian hadn't called him to tell him she was going home. She probably didn't want to disturb him. Cal wanted her to disturb him. "Have you taken anythin'?" He was smart enough to know exactly what 'Women's Stuff' was and that he should take it seriously. Time to play the doting husband.

"No. I came home and got straight into bed."

"How about a cup of tea? One of them fruity numbas you like so much."

She gave a slight smile. "Sure, cos tea fixes everything," she quipped dryly.

"Hey," Cal pointed a finger. "Don't mock my British heritage. A cup of tea has solved a lot of problems."

She gave him a more decent smile this time and Cal backed away from the bed. He was concerned. She had never complained of cramps before. And anytime Gillian was subdued meant something was definitely wrong. He set the kettle on the gas stove top to boil, prepared mugs with tea bags, then filled a glass with water and went to the bathroom to retrieve painkillers from the medicine cabinet. He was sure Gillian had something stored away in there and he was right. He took the water and tablets to the bedroom where Gillian was lying in bed.

"Here luv take these."

Gillian uncurled slowly, grimacing a little as she moved and shifted and sat up, leaning against the backboard of their bed. That scared Cal some more; he had very rarely seen her in physical discomfort and he didn't like it. He didn't like it then and he didn't like it now.

Gillian was still wearing the shirt of the day, so she had quite literally climbed straight into bed. It was crumpled now around the shoulders and her face had a strange grey tinge to it. She took the water and pain meds without complaint. Cal heard the kettle start to whistle so went to make their hot drinks. He found a hot water bottle in the laundry, another remnant of his British-ness. He hadn't quite gelled to the idea of heat pads. Sure, they were convenient but they just weren't the same as a hot water bottle. A hot water bottle was traditional and familiarly comforting. He only half filled it, a quarter warm from the tap, the other quarter hot from the kettle. He tucked it under his arm and picked up both mugs. Within a minute he could feel the warmth burning through the material of his shirt. In the bedroom, he handed her one of the mugs carefully and she wrapped both her hands around it like it was the only source of warmth in the room. Then Cal handed her the hot water bottle.

"Thanks," Gillian gave him a grateful expression. She placed her mug on the bedside table, then lifted the covers to place the new source of warmth on her pelvis. She was still wearing her work trousers too. "You've done this before."

Cal gave a wry smile and perched himself on the edge of the bed, carefully so he wouldn't jostle her, his mug in hand. "I might have lived with a woman before, once or twice." Gillian smiled in response. "Can I do anythin' else for you luv?"

"I'm ok."

'_Liar_,' Cal thought. "Have you eaten?" He was late home, caught up on that case, which was why he had only found out that Gillian had gone home when he got back to the office half an hour ago. He didn't know how long she had been home by herself and he felt badly that she had been alone when she was in discomfort.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Mm hmm," Gillian answered picking her tea up again.

"You should eat." He was about to add something about keeping her strength up but then realised she wasn't exactly sick. It wasn't like her to not eat though. One of the things he loved about her was that she had a healthy appetite.

"I have tea for sustenance. I hear it has magical powers."

Cal gave a disparaging smirk at her teasing comment but he was glad she was joking around. "I'm gonna make you somethin' to eat." He got up without waiting for an answer and left the room again. He made soup. From a tin, which was not really making soup as much as it was heating it up, but he toasted bread and cut it into three strips; 'soldiers' that he told her really did have magical healing powers and promised they would make her feel better. His mother had done the same for him whenever he was ill and he had always felt much better for it. Gillian just smiled at him and ate dutifully. But the 'soldiers' did little and so did the 'over-the-counter' pain medication because Cal was aware of Gillian sleeping restlessly the whole night. He woke often to find her awake, even though she moved little. And because he knew she was uncomfortable he couldn't find peace himself.

Sometime in the dead of the morning he rolled over carefully, found her hand in the darkness and asked again if she was 'all right'. She insisted that she was, but Cal was not convinced; her hand was cold. He wanted to know if she had had pain like this before and she said 'not really.' He told her if she wasn't better in the morning he was going to take her to a doctor. Gillian didn't answer him. Cal slipped out of bed and got more water so she could swallow more white tablets, which she did without resisting, but even when they should have kicked in, she didn't find peace. And neither did Cal.

**PJ**

The next morning Gillian looked tired, dark smudges under her eyes, but she moved around the bedroom with apparent ease which dispelled Cal's concern a little. Just a little. She wasn't exactly in a sunny disposition but he put that down to her getting a crappy night's sleep. They went their separate ways at the office, like they always did. By mid morning Cal had forgotten about the night before and was elbow deep in another murder investigation. Reynolds had him in an FBI holding cell, interrogating a single father about his ex-wife's new boyfriend. A tap on the door interrupted him. He was actually having a hard time getting a read on the guy and for once, welcomed the intrusion. When he came back, he was going to change techniques, try to throw the guy off.

He and Reynolds exited the room but the tap had been for Cal. A junior agent was holding his cell phone. "Um, it's your office sir, something about your wife and it being urgent."

Cal glanced at Reynolds who had been in the middle of pacing the corridor. He, on the other hand, was agitated by the interruption. He looked surprised. Cal reached for the phone without another glance at either of the two men, 'wife' and 'urgent' was enough to get his full attention. The door to the interrogation room was closed behind him. He took the phone without thanking the agent. "Yeah?" He asked rudely; his heart rate had immediately increased.

"Doctor Lightman? It's Heidi. Gillian was taken to hospital just now."

"Why?" Cal asked alarmed, already moving towards the route that would take him back to his car. He didn't even give Reynolds a second glance. Retainer or not, the FBI didn't hold a candle to Gillian's welfare. They could penalise him in whatever way they wanted.

"She was in a lot of pain."

"Which hospital?" Cal asked next, knowing already what was going on. Or at least what it pertained to. He just hoped it wasn't something serious. The first thing that came to mind was appendicitis but that was probably just on his mind because it had been a recent event in his life; two months ago sure, but the large scar on the skin of his abdomen was still pink and tender. And he didn't want to think of any of the worse possibilities... like cancer. '_Stop it!_'

"Ria took her to Midtown. It was closest to where they were."

"Thanks," Cal hung up. He rushed now, powering down a flight of stairs, having no patience to wait for the lift. The last thing they needed was another bloody emergency. He still felt bad about his trip to the hospital and this was definitely not something he enjoyed. He felt guilty for putting Gillian through it.

Even though he sped through traffic it still took him half an hour to get to the hospital in Midtown. He went to the emergency department, figuring it was a good place to start. He was tense, could feel his muscles tight with anticipation, but Heidi had sounded calm on the phone, and he had seen Gillian that morning, he had witnessed her discomfort the night before, so he couldn't bring himself to panic. Not just yet. Maybe later if it warranted it. He crammed more negative thoughts to a dark corner of his mind and approached the reception nurse.

"I'm told my wife was brought in," he started, his throat was strangely tight. This was ridiculous. Two emergencies in the space of two months. It wasn't normal. It wasn't fair.

"What's her name?" The nurse asked politely.

"Docta Gillian Lightman."

The nurse moved her hand on a computer mouse but they were both interrupted by a female voice. "Doctor Lightman!"

Cal turned to find Ria approaching him looking worried. "What the hell's goin' on?" He demanded of her quickly. He needed answers!

"I don't know. We were speaking with a client and then she just excused herself. She barely made it out the door. She kept clutching her stomach and was doubled over..." Ria looked scared now as she remembered.

Cal felt even more panicked. _Please let her be all right_. "Where is she now?"

"They took her away. I wasn't sure if I should wait or what and I thought Heidi had called you..."

"You did fine," Cal felt compelled to reassure her.

"Are you Gillian Lightman's husband?" A tall man in blue scrubs interrupted. He had been signing paper work a little further around the desk from where Cal and Ria stood and had obviously overheard their conversation.

"Yeah."

"I'm Doctor Garber, I assessed your wife. Let's talk over here," he held out an arm to guide Cal.

Cal turned to Ria. "Thanks."

"Sure. Call if you need anything or, just let us know she's ok."

"Yeah I'll do that," Cal agreed absently. The last thing he was going to think about was calling anyone.

"Want me to wait around?"

"Nah it's all right."

"Well here," Ria handed over Gillian's purse.

Cal thanked her again and then approached the waiting doctor. They took a few steps down a corridor. It wasn't really any more private in a busy emergency department, people still rushed about, a man in a wheelchair looked like he was asleep where he sat, except with his eyes wide open. But at least now they were out of the way, Cal guessed that was the real point. "Your wife came in with extreme abdominal pain and bleeding."

"She was bleedin'?" Cal started to feel alarmed now. "She had her period."

"This was not her period. She suffered a miscarriage," Dr Garber said slowly and seriously.

Cal thought he had misheard. His surprise must have obviously shown on his face. "I'm sorry, a what?" Her purse nearly slipped out of his grasp.

"You didn't know she was pregnant?" The Doctor hedged.

"I-I-I-I," Cal stammered, his brain not sure what to process first. Confusion because she couldn't conceive, carefully controlled concern that his wife was in the hospital, a little jolt of elation that he had managed to get her pregnant, or the more stabbing, damning realisation that she had come '_this'_ close to actually having a baby, after all of that.

"She would have been no more than eight weeks along."

"You can tell that?"

She only had to hold out four more weeks and she would have been safe. Wholly shit she was pregnant?

Doctor Garber nodded gravely. "She's on pain medication at the moment but you can go in and see her. She can probably go home later this evening, providing no complications arise."

"Complications?"

Dr Garber explained how the embryo tearing away from the uterine wall caused heavy bleeding in Gillian's case. They had stopped the bleed with drugs and were hoping the body would start the healing process itself; if not, surgery would be required. She was going to be uncomfortable for a few days but otherwise, she should be fine.

"Does she know?"

"I spoke with her a few moments ago to explain the situation," Dr Garber confirmed with another serious expression. "She asked for you."

Now Cal felt like he was going to be sick from the sheer disdain that this kind of tragedy had fallen upon Gillian. Could it not have been something else? Like appendicitis or kidney stones. Or a stomach ulcer. Not that he was wishing for cancer at this point. Although a stomach ulcer was unlikely, she didn't tend to stress out. Cal felt like he was starting one right now. His stomach was a complete bundle of nerves. What the hell was he going to say to her? How was he going to comfort her through this? He had no idea.

Doctor Garber was directing him to one of the small private rooms on the emergency floor. She wasn't going to be admitted. Not yet anyway. Cal walked toward the door in a daze, his mind breathing '_no, no, no'_ in time to his slow footsteps. He wanted to turn and run back into yesterday. Who did he negotiate with to get a different diagnosis?

He hesitated outside of the door. He just stood there staring dumbly at the metallic door handle, trying to compose himself. He knew, whatever he felt, would be completely irrelevant right now. It was unimportant. All those clichés about being strong for her were so very appropriate. This was very much a case of 'not-being-about-him'. He took a deep steadying breath, shaking away the last of his shock and indecision and reached out for the handle. He leaned on it to open the door, feeling calmer, much more in control.

The room was as dim as could be in the middle of the day. It was overcast outside through the window, which helped with the effect. And it was appropriate. When Gillian was sad it rained and her sunny disposition was often mirrored in the sky. Cal felt it should be like that anyway. Just like a Disney movie. There was one light on over the bed. Gillian looked like she was asleep. She looked grey actually and she didn't move as he came in. The door clicked shut behind him and she still didn't move. He crossed the room and took her hand, putting her purse on the floor. Her fingers were cold. That was strange. And Cal felt a wave of blind panic. He swallowed it down awkwardly. She was usually so warm. Her lips were washed out of colour. The Doctor had said she had been bleeding. Cal should have asked if she lost a lot of blood or whether everything had been under control. She had an IV line in her arm but no blood bag hung on the silver pole beside the bed, so Cal figured maybe everything had worked out all right. Not that this was really all right. He wished he had thought to ask more questions. He wondered why she didn't wake at his touch but remembered she was on pain meds and was probably in a heavy sleep. He should have asked for how long and why that had been necessary. And _how_ under was she? Could he wake her up if he wanted to? He still had no idea what to say to her and in some ways was grateful for a little bit more time. 'Sorry' seemed pathetic. Beyond inadequate.

'_Good God_,' he rubbed his left palm into his left eye socket and then the right, feeling suddenly very weary, the crappy night's sleep and the information he had just been given catching up with him. He pulled the chair beside the bed awkwardly closer so he could keep his hand in hers. She still didn't stir or blink or give some indication that she was alive. Cal noticed her eyelids weren't even moving. So she wasn't dreaming. This was a very strange way to see Gillian. And he didn't like it at all.

**PJ**

"Cal?"

The voice was weak but it was still enough to cut through Cal's light sleep. He sat up immediately; annoyed that he had apparently dozed off. "I'm right here luv," he told her gently. The skin between her eyebrows had furrowed in a slight frown but her eyes remained closed. Her fingers tightened around his slightly. He leaned forward on the bed, placing his other hand over the top of hers, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back of her wrist.

"I hurt," she croaked.

"I know sweetheart," Cal told her softly. He felt like crying for her. She looked so vulnerable, all traces of the strength he knew in her gone. This was Gillian hurt beyond measure. She might have been talking about a physical pain but Cal knew the emotional one would hit soon too, if it hadn't all ready. And then what was he going to do?

"We have to stop meeting like this," she joked. Cal smiled to himself at the comment despite it. He thought about scolding her for making light of the situation but he didn't have the heart to be jovial. Not yet. And not about this. She gave a sigh, suddenly serious again. Her eyes split open and closed again. The furrow in her brow deepened. "Cal, the doctor."

"It's all right," Cal interrupted her at a whisper, his thumb upping its tempo against her wrist for a second; his heart did the same in his chest. "I talked to the docta. It's all right, luv, just rest."

"I just feel really tired."

"That's all right."

She cracked her eyes open, closed them and tried again. Her eyes took a while to focus and Cal hated that she was like this. This was just so, so wrong. When she saw him she gave a weak faltering smile. He squeezed her hand reassuringly, leaning in closer so she wouldn't have to move to see him. "I'm right here luv," he told her. He expected her to cry, but he should have known better.

"Cal I didn't know."

He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it right now, he'd barely had time to process it himself, but with a lack of knowing what else to do, he had to take his cue from her. "You didn't?" He asked gently, carefully making sure he wasn't being accusing.

She gave a slight shake of her head. She suddenly looked very concerned. "I really didn't. I-I I would have told you if I'd known." She was desperate for him to understand. Her hand tightened in his.

Cal didn't give a shit about that. He trusted her. If she had known, she would have told him. He knew that. This wasn't about that aspect at all.

She paused. "I was starting to suspect something but not this."

Cal nodded, having to deduce more from what she wasn't saying. So she had noticed she had missed a few periods. Or at least one. So if she hadn't suspected a pregnancy, then what? What else was there that he was missing? Something to do with her fertility? Women's stuff was just a little bit out of his league. What about cancer of some sort? Would that stop a period? He felt sick again.

"I'm sorry."

Cal came out of his daydream to hear those words. "What!?" He asked in soft alarm. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." He paused. "I'm sorry. Gill, _I'm_ sorry." He gave her the most earnest expression he could muster and that was when she started crying. She didn't burst into tears, which is what Cal anticipated; instead silent tears filled up her blue eyes and overflowed and slid slow trails down her cheeks. She had the most vulnerable expression on her face and Cal couldn't stand it. He stood and wiped the tears from her chin with his fingers. Then he put his arms around her shoulders, she sat up into him, wrapping hers around his shoulders to match the embrace. "I'm so sorry," he murmured against her hair while tears slid out of his eyes too and she cried gently into his neck.

**PJ**

Gillian was sore for a few days and stayed in bed. Cal had no idea if that was normal or not. He felt helpless because he had never experienced this before and he tried hard not to make it about himself. He called Heidi and told her they wouldn't be in for a few days. He gave no explanation and said if there really was an emergency of some sort then she could call his cell, otherwise he would take calls from no one and they were not to be disturbed. Reynolds was on his own with that murder case. Cal didn't care. He would consider coming back to work on Monday but that was not a guarantee. His priority at the moment was his wife. Doctor Garber had told him anything was possible right now. Gillian's body would heal in its own time. He gave a vague time frame that irritated Cal who lived a life based on scientific certainties. But if she started bleeding again they were to come back immediately. Cal started to feel paranoid about that.

He tried hard to be there for her but didn't know how. She didn't talk much. He made her hot chocolate and brought it to the bedroom and she would smile wanly and thank him but the spark was out of her eyes and he felt like he was talking to a shell of her normal self, even if it was a responsive one. He would sit on the edge of the bed and tell her that various people had called about her well being, despite him telling Heidi he wanted to be left alone. Flowers showed up too but Gillian showed little interest in much of anything for the rest of the week. She hobbled about, clutching at her abdomen but insisting that she was ok. She only went as far as the bathroom anyway. "It feels like I've been sucker punched," she noted, the only reference she made to her condition or the situation at all.

At one point, Cal wondered if he should give her space and went to sit in the living room, trying it out. There was always work to do and he annotated a lecture he had been working on for the police academy in D.C., but Gillian came out to sit with him anyway, tucking her bare feet under his thigh to keep them warm. If that comforted her, then he didn't mind. But they still didn't talk and he wondered if he should make the first move towards breaking the silence. It wasn't uncomfortable and he was a man who appreciated good peace and quiet, but Gillian wasn't.

"Gill?"

"Mm?" She looked up from her book, mildly curious.

"Sweetheart, I know you don't really feel like talkin' or anythin' right now, but, I'm here to listen if you want to or when you want to." He said it gently and hesitated too much which gave away that he was nervous about saying it but he didn't care about his facade right now.

She gave him a slight smile in response. "Thanks."

And then a small troop of visitors stopped by to see her. Her brother, Matthew, and Kate with their children. Then Gillian's mother. The next morning it was Casey and the two women holed up in the bedroom for three hours talking. Cal could hear them murmuring through the door but he was banished and felt every inch the redundant male. He called Emily, wanting to hear a friendly loving voice. He didn't tell her about the miscarriage until she insisted that something was wrong and demanded to know what it was.

"Dad I'm so sorry. Tell Gillian I'm really sorry."

"I will luv, thanks."

"How's she holding up?"

"Hard to tell."

"And how are you holding up?"

"I'm all right," he sounded more optimistic than he felt.

"I thought Gillian couldn't have children."

"That's what I thought."

"So... what does that mean?" Emily sounded cautious. She didn't want to make accusations.

"I don't know what happened. It's just…" he realised he had no answer and fell into silence.

"Don't you think you should ask Gillian what happened?"

"I can't ask her that. I'll sound like a completely insensitive bastard."

"You do anyway I'm sure she won't take offence."

"Oi," Cal protested.

Emily laughed. "What I meant to say is, you and Gillian talk about everything anyway, there are no secrets between you, I doubt she'd be offended if you demanded answers."

"Demand seems harsh."

"Insisted?"

"Curious."

"I think you have some small right to demand. You're her husband. You were led to believe she couldn't get pregnant and you're clearly having sex without a lot of thought to birth control."

Cal knew what she said was logical but he was still a little disturbed at having a conversation about sex with his daughter. Zoe had done the 'talk', thankfully.

"Men have rights too Dad," Emily added.

Cal heard the bedroom door open and the two female voices in the hallway, then the front door opening. "I should go luv."

"Ok. I have to go to work anyway."

"How's that workin' out?"

"Easy, and the money's good, the hours flexible, what else could I ask for?"

"I'm glad you're happy luv."

"Hey Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it weird that I could have had a baby brother or sister?"

"Is it weird that I could have been a fatha again?"

Emily chuckled softly. "A little weird."

"I'll talk to you late-a."

"Dad?"

"Yes luv?"

"What if she hadn't miscarried? What then?"

"Then you really would have had a baby brutha or sista and we wouldn't be speculatin' right now."

"You would have gone through with it?"

"That would have been Gillian's decision."


	43. Chapter 43

Cal was stretched out on their bed, in a mirror image of how his wife was lying. They were propped up against the opposite bed ends, books in hand, pillows behind their backs. He was wearing his reading glasses, and Gillian was under the covers, but otherwise they were in identical poses, their feet crossed at the ankles, left over right, even down to the positioning of hands on pages. It was a beautiful sunny day but cold because it was winter and there wasn't a lot of warmth in the air despite the sun's caress. The trees were bare; the snow of last night was turning to ice from the clear sky. Cal had found grocery shopping tense while he drove slowly over frozen roads and tried to keep his weight balanced on slippery sidewalks. When he got home, Gillian was drying her hair, having had a shower. The first in quite a few days and he relaxed a little because it was a good sign. She was going back to doing some of the normal things. She made lunch too and they made easy small talk until they settled on the bed to read. Cal had never spent so much time just lying around reading. He had run out of work at home yesterday and was loath to go into the office to get more. But the most he could think to offer right now was just his company.

Cal saw Gillian put her book down onto her lap and look up at him. She had been doing it periodically for the last hour but he had come to realise that she was just thinking and didn't want his attention and so he ignored the gesture, focusing instead on the page in front of him; a novel based on an alternate reality World War Two. It was really good; he loved the advances in technology. Gillian gave his big toe a squeeze. Cal's knee jolted at the pressure. "Ow!" He looked up. Her face was too sharply in focus through his glasses, he pulled them off.

She gave him a half hearted smile. "Want to talk?" She asked softly. The colour was finally back in her cheeks. She was starting to look like her old self too.

"I'd love to talk."

"You've been very sweet."

"Sweet?" Cal wasn't sure he did sweet.

"Patient."

"Ah."

"You've been perfect."

Cal gave a slight smirk. "Perfect might be a bit strong in my case, luv."

Gillian returned his smile but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "It was exactly what I needed."

"I took my cue from you."

"Then, thank you for being perceptive." She lifted a hand and held it out to him. Cal had to completely reposition himself to be able to reach and hold it. He came to sit next to her hip, facing her. Her hand was warm. "The truth is, I didn't know what to say to you either."

Cal raised an eyebrow in silent question.

Gillian gave a mouth frown. "It was your baby too." Then she looked incredibly sad and Cal wondered if she would cry. She hadn't cried yet. Not properly. Unless maybe the hospital counted. Maybe that was all the crying she was going to do. Cal hoped there would be more though. She needed the release. That was how she processed things. "Not really a baby," she added.

Cal held her hand tighter. "Sweetheart, I'm really sorry it worked out this way."

"Not your fault."

No it wasn't but it didn't mean he felt any less guilty.

"Do you mind if I ask you somethin'?"

"Of course not."

"In the hospital," Cal dared to ask his question first, wondering if it was all right to hijack the conversation. "You said you were startin' to suspect somethin'." _Why didn't you tell me? What did you think it really was? _

Gillian nodded. She remembered.

"Why can't you have children?"

The question was linked to the previous statement even if out loud it sounded a bit unrelated. If she was suspecting something but not pregnancy, then what was it about her fertility that would lead her to think she wasn't pregnant. There must be something definite for her to automatically rule it out. Assuming that the reason she and Alec had turned to adoption was because the problem was with her and not him. Cal didn't have to voice his thought process though, she seemed to follow on anyway. Gillian's expression turned slightly bitter but she held his eye without discomfort. "My eggs aren't viable."

"What does that mean?"

"They don't mature."

Cal nodded he understood.

_Wasn't there a way to artificially encourage maturation? _

"I'm not tryin' to pry," he said gently. "I hope you don't mind my askin'."

"I'm not sure it's prying if it comes from my husband." Gillian sighed. "I should have told you about this before."

"It was none of my business."

"It kind of is now."

True.

Gillian continued. "I didn't know anything like this could happen. Otherwise I would have been more cautious."

Cal's lip curled up in a smile that displayed before he had thought it through. Emily had mentioned this too. Gillian's expression told Cal he should explain the gesture though. "I got a lecture from Emily about unprotected sex."

Gillian gave a short laugh. "Did you?"

"Yeah," Cal chuckled. Gillian shook with a silent mirth for a few moments, her eyes sparkling. "She was concerned about you too. Asked me to pass that on."

"She's sweet."

"Yeah," Cal agreed.

"I just want you to know I'm not one of those women who gets pregnant and lies about it to trap their man."

"Well you left it a bit late, I already married you," Cal raised his left hand and wiggled his fingers.

Gillian smiled again. "So you're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad?" Cal asked alarmed.

"I'm just checking. I know how you feel about having more kids," she said this cautiously.

"God, no, Gill, I'm not mad at you about this." He paused. "I'm just sad." He looked her over, imploring her to believe him. "I just feel sad."

"Me too," she squeezed his hand.

"If you can't have kids, then what happened?" He didn't feel like she was hiding something from him, he just didn't know what to think.

"I have no idea." She looked away, thinking, a sign she wasn't lying. Cal hated that he thought that way about her. But he couldn't switch it off, no matter how hard he tried. He rubbed the back of her hand. Her skin was soft and he could smell the peach body wash she usually used.

"Just for the record," he looked her in the eye. "If you had kept the baby, if this hadn't happened. I would have been with you a hundred percent. We would have done this togetha."

Gillian nodded and then began to cry.

**PJ**

Cal went back to work on Monday and felt like he must have grown an extra head he didn't know about. The glances he received were disconcerting. He couldn't imagine the rumours floating around but no one asked him anything about it. He wondered if he should say something but decided Gillian wouldn't want that. Most of the time she was open but not on this subject. Ria asked if she was ok and Cal answered that she was. She would be back to work tomorrow.

As always, it was strange to be in the office without Gillian being there. He had come to rely on her presence, even if it was just across the hall. The urge to ask her opinion was strong and he almost ducked into her office once as he walked by before remembering that she wasn't there. In the morning, he was very productive, but by the afternoon he was getting more and more distracted. So he went home early. And when he got there he found the house empty. Gillian had gone out. He started preparing dinner and when she came in he was in the kitchen with an apron over his business shirt.

"What are you doing home?" She asked with little distinction between accusation and curiosity.

"Too distracted to work. How you doin'?" Cal turned in time to see her check the clock on the wall.

"What are you making?"

"Lasagne."

"I like lasagne."

"I know that, but how are you doin'?" He asked again because she was evading the question and that immediately made his spidey-senses tingle.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she answered staring him in the eye. She was lying to him.

"Where were you just now?"

"Out."

"Where?"

"I didn't realise I needed to give you an itinerary," she answered with a hard edge in her tone.

"What are you hidin'?" he asked directly. She was never like this with him. Never. And it made him feel nauseous.

"Cal," Gillian almost whined.

"Yeah I'm crossin' the line," he told her forcefully. "Where were you?"

"Catching up with a friend," she fidgeted with her purse that was resting on the bench.

That was true. But she was still being cagey.

"What kind of friend?" Cal moved around the kitchen bench. His intention was to stand in front of her.

"Doesn't matter," Gillian let her fingers go still. She turned slowly and walked from the kitchen just as Cal had approached.

Cal went back to the stove and turned it off. He followed her to the living room. It wasn't just that she was being ambiguous and that he felt the need to know, this was because of last Thursday. He was concerned. She was hurting and that was the perfect time to do something stupid. He knew that from personal experience. That, and he just didn't want to be shut out.

"What kind of friend Gill?"

"Just an old friend."

"A male friend?" Cal guessed wildly.

"Yes, he happens to be male. What are you accusing me of?" Her blue eyes flashed in anger and her voice got a little louder at the end of the question. Now he had offended her.

"Nothin' but lyin' to me."

"I'm not lying to you!"

"You're avoidin' me."

She gave him an annoyed expression. "I didn't realise I had to live in your pocket."

Cal pointed a finger at her, his way of hitting a nail on the head. "That's still an evasion."

"Leave me alone."

"No."

Gillian looked surprised. "Why do you need to know everything?"

"Because I worry about you. And I need to know that you didn't get drunk or take drugs, or hurt yourself in some otha way." Or do any of the reckless things that Cal would likely do. He was scared. It wasn't like her to push him away.

"Or cheat on you?" Her tone was poisonous.

"That hadn't crossed my mind."

It hadn't. And still didn't even though she brought it up. Gillian wouldn't do that. Not even if she was upset. Probably not even if she was falling down drunk.

"I was catching up with an old friend," she looked him in the eye again but less defiantly than before. "That's all."

"See, now, that's where I know there's more to it than that," Cal pointed the finger again.

"You can be really annoying!"

"I know."

"I want this to be private," Gillian cut him off. She gestured with stiff, angry hands, telling him to back off.

"And I need to know your friend isn't an old friend with connections of some sort."

"He's not a drug dealer ok? For god's sake Cal! Who do you think I am?"

That was at least true. The drugs part.

"And I didn't do anything to hurt myself," Gillian continued, her voice still raised. "And I haven't had anything to drink in over a week. Ok?"

"Fine."

Gillian gave him a passive-aggressive flash of a smile that was supposed to say that she was pleased, even though she was anything but. "Good."

"Great," Cal shot over his shoulder as he went back to the kitchen. An old friend. Male. How old? Before he had met her? Or after? He didn't remember her having a lot of male friends. There were definitely interested men around but not many she spent time with alone. Was it really an old boyfriend? What if it was Alec? Cal had no idea if Gillian still saw him and it would make sense because he was from the time in her life when she was trying to get pregnant and now she was...

'_Stop it Cal, or you'll end up doing something you'll regret_.'

**PJ**

"So how _was_ work?" Gillian asked idly, letting a hand run across the edge of the bathroom sink. She didn't quite meet his eye, instead, something on the floor was more interesting. Possibly the pattern on the tiles.

"Fine," Cal responded nonchalantly. He turned back to the mirror. His expression was washed out. He was tired and exhausted, but mostly he was feeling a little scared. This was a bit out of his depth. Dealing with a miscarriage and dealing with Gillian when she was being combative. They might have fought over a few things but she had never been hostile towards him. He was afraid he of pushing her so far away that they couldn't find their way back. And he hated that he didn't know how to get through to her without reading her expressions, without being the abrasive Cal she didn't like so much. If he did that, would they come back from it?

"Everybody talking?"

That was also unlike Gillian, caring what other people were saying about her. She had really been shaken by last Thursday. It was not surprising and was completely understandable.

"Whispas."

"What did you tell them?"

"That you were fine and comin' to work tomorrow."

Gillian nodded. Cal finished brushing his teeth and placed his toothbrush back in its place in the holder. His was on the left and amusingly, the pink one; Gillian's was green. Gillian had spent a few hours avoiding him that evening. They ate in front of the TV, watching it in silence. Something they hardly ever did. And Cal went back to wondering what he was supposed to do next. Should he insist on answers? Would that just push her further away? There was a lump in his throat he was having a hard time dislodging.

Cal turned to leave the bathroom but Gillian blocked the way. She looked tired, or maybe just beaten down. "The friend I went to see today. He used to be my fertility doctor." She looked down and away and Cal felt appalled that she felt ashamed about that statement. Ashamed she had one? Or ashamed that she was telling him this? "I went to talk to him about how I ended up pregnant."

Cal wondered if he should say something.

"I wanted to know if it would happen again."

Silence.

Gillian looked up again, looked him in the eye. She gave a little frown as if the words were hard to say. "I didn't mean to be so defensive." She sighed.

Cal took both of her hands in his. "It's all right."

"I feel like I've been turned upside down and all these parts of my past I had carefully forgotten about have fallen out of my pocket."

"That's quite a metaphor."

She gave a wan smile. "I don't want to start pushing you away. I know it's important we talk. It's just hard, to talk about this. I don't want to."

"We don't have to talk luv," Cal offered gently. He didn't want to cause her more pain. He wanted to make this easy for her. He'd give anything to just make it go away. He'd trade anything to take it back.

"Yeah we do," she insisted. "Otherwise resentment is going to build and before you know it cracks appear and then one day we're standing on opposite sides of the room with a massive chasm between us and our marriage is over and I have to move to California." She stepped closer while she talked, pulled her hands from his and wrapped them around his neck. She ran her fingers through the hair at the base of his head, caressing it gently.

Cal put his arms tightly around her waist. "You're really nailin' these metaphors tonight."

Gillian gave a flicker of a genuine smile. "I do want to tell you though." She searched his eyes so he gave an encouraging nod of his head. She was asking if he still wanted to know. "He said sometimes these things just happen. He said it was probably a fluke." Cal nodded he understood. "A fluke," Gillian repeated softly. Her eyes got distant; a sign of sadness.

Cal wished he could take all of her pain away, cram it in a box and set the thing on fire. "Were you hopin'?"

"God no," Gillian interrupted knowing what he was asking. "I just turned forty-four. I'm way beyond the sane age of having children."

"Are you sure because..."

"Don't say it," she cut him off quickly. "Please. It's easier to not think about it. I don't want to live my life in 'what if's'."

Cal gave a nod. He understood. He had missed the boat on offering to try for a baby. He had his opportunity and blew it big time. He gave her a slight smile. "Did we really have to have this convasation in the bathroom?"

"Yes," Gillian told him. "Before I chickened out." She paused and then hesitated and looked cagey again. There was something else she had to say. "I'm going for tests tomorrow morning."

"Tests for what!?" Cal was immediately concerned.

"Just to see."

"Oh," Cal understood.

"I don't want to go through this in ignorance again. We might actually have to curb all the unprotected sex," she gave a ghost of a smile.

"Fair enough."

She gave a little nod of finality. That was all she had come to say.

"Do you want some company tomorrow?"

"I'd love that," Gillian looked relieved and Cal knew with absolute assurance that he had made the right move. At least he was sure about something.


	44. Chapter 44

Cal had read this a hundred times, but he went over it again, supposedly checking for mistakes. But because he had read it so many times his mind was wandering a bit. It was probably too late in the evening to focus properly. He put the manuscript down in his lap, pulled his reading glasses from his head and rubbed his eyes. When he opened them again Gillian had entered the room. She was in pyjamas. Her version of pyjamas anyway, which consisted of a dark blue tank top and red plaid pyjama bottoms. Sometimes, she only wore a shirt. Sometimes, she wore one of his shirts. "Are you coming to bed?" She asked as she walked by his recliner.

"Yeah I think so," Cal leaned forward and put the manuscript on the coffee table in front of him, his glasses on top of it.

Gillian waited for him to sit back and then climbed into his lap. Cal was surprised by the gesture but didn't let that show. He watched her impassively, waiting for her to make the next move. She clearly wanted something.

"Is there any particular reason why you haven't tried to have sex with me in the last week?" Gillian asked lightly.

Cal let mild surprise show at that comment. "No, no particula reason."

"Do you still find me attractive?"

"Of course. You are a _very_ attractive woman." He said that with conviction.

"Then it's because…?"

"I," Cal started and then felt trapped. He should have been over the notion of lying to her. This was more about feeling like he needed to save face more than anything else. And then he remembered that even though Gillian had been hurting she had made extra effort to talk to him about how she was feeling and what she was thinking, for the sake of their relationship and he realised quickly he had to do the same thing. "I didn't want to upset you."

Gillian gave a mildly confused furrow of her forehead. "What does that mean?"

"Sex is kind of an emotional thing anyway, particularly with you and me cos it's so damn good. And sex is kind of responsible for what happened last week; it kind of led us to here in the first place. The two things are connected." Cal could see the realisation in her eyes. She could connect the dots without him having to give a play by play; he trailed off.

"Mm," she considered what he had said, giving a slight nod.

"I just don't know what to do these days. I'm just guessin' here. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm uninterested. That's not the case. At all. Definitely not."

Gillian placed a hand on his cheek. "It's not a big deal," she said with a reassuring smile.

"I just don't wanna do somethin' that would upset you…"

"You're not," Gillian interrupted with a smile. "This is hard and weird and we're both just feeling our way. But you're doing brilliantly, honestly." Her smiled widened amused at the slip of the tongue. They both knew people who said things like 'trust me' or 'honestly' were just trying to have their lies believed. "Just doing what you're doing is enough, ok?" She corrected.

Cal gave a purposeful flicker of facial muscles that told her he understood.

"Don't worry about it. I'm ok."

For the first time in nearly two weeks, Cal actually believed her. And he felt that they would be ok. The proverbial mountain had been climbed and they were headed down the other side. They were going to be ok.

"I'm surprised you held out for so long," Gillian added. Cal smirked and then broke into a laugh and Gillian joined him before kissing him sweetly.

**PJ**

"Cal?"

"Yes darlin'?"

"Remember how when, last month, you asked me..." She trailed off and Cal waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts properly and start again. "When I had the miscarriage. You asked me why I had gone to see my fertility doctor and if I was hoping..."

Cal waited but she didn't say anything else. It had been a month now since the miscarriage and this was the first conversation they'd had about it in several weeks. Cal didn't think she wanted to talk about it anymore. He was surprised she was bringing it up now but glad she felt she could still talk to him about it. He liked talking to her. If he wasn't allowed to read her face he wanted for her to tell him what was going on in her head. Much like she wanted him to do the same.

"Why do we always have these conversations in the dark?" He complained flippantly, knowing full well why. It was so she could have an even playing field.

"So you can't read too much into them," Gillian responded lightly. She sounded amused.

"Are you askin' me if I want to try for a baby afta all?"

Gillian paused for a second before answering him. "I don't really know what I'm asking. I just know I think about it all the time."

"I know you do sweetheart," Cal said gently. He trailed his hand down her arm to lace his fingers in hers. She gave his hand a tight squeeze. The truth was, he had been thinking about it too. When they made love... and they were so wrapped up in each other, and he came inside her, he couldn't help but think of the possibilities.

"I'm not asking you to make a sudden decision. I'm not even sure that I'm asking you. I just think I need to talk about it."

And Cal was flattered that she was talking to him. She could have gone to Casey, friend and psychologist extraordinaire. He had come to realise that talking was very important for Gillian. "All right then, let's talk about it," Cal agreed. "I think it's a cruel joke that you haven't been able to be a mutha."

"Hmm," Gillian responded. "I feel like my time is up but I just can't let it go."

"I don't think you _should_ let it go," Cal said firmly. He had spent time thinking about this too, the possibilities; their options. Except he didn't know how to broach the subject, so he didn't bring it up first. It was a very, very delicate situation.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think we should give IVF a go or try adoption again." Cal took the plunge. He knew they were just 'talking' but he couldn't stop himself from being enthusiastic.

"We?"

"You didn't expect me to bail on you again did you? Not now that we're married. Not afta the last time."

"No," Gillian answered honestly. "But I wondered how enthusiastic you would be about it. You made your position pretty clear last time."

Cal suppressed a squirm of uncomfortableness. If he regretted just one thing in his entire life...

"Not trying to accuse you, just trying to talk," Gillian's quiet voice came again from her pillow.

"I know. But I still feel shit that I did that to you."

"Cal," Gillian's voice held a warning.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Cal interrupted. "We're not goin' ova it again."

"Thank you."

"I know I said I'd raised my family and now with Em in Boston that's even true-a. But darlin', when you're so in love with someone like I am with you, and you make love with someone like we do, I can't help but think about what we could create togetha; a baby, anotha person out of pure love. That's somethin' magical."

Gillian was silent for a long time and Cal fought the urge to turn the light on. She held his hand tightly beneath the covers. Her words were emotional when they came through the darkness again. "You really feel that way?"

"Yeah I do."

"Do you _want_ to try for a baby?" She sounded hopeful but mostly cautious, as if she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"I think we should definitely look in to it."

"Are you hedging?"

"Nah. I'm tryin' to be practical. There are certainly fertility issues..."

"You mean me," Gillian cut in.

"I don't know what IVF entails exactly. Hormone injects and embryo implants. But I don't know what that means specifically to your issues or how I would fit in to that. And then, I guess, we do have to consida time."

"It's against us," Gillian noted evenly.

Cal smiled in the dark. "Well, it's definitely countin' down. I can undastand how your biological clock must be loud in your ear."

"You know there are age limits on IVF."

"As far as I see it you can get pregnant until you hit menopause. And you're several good years away from that."

"The doctor's," Gillian clarified, sounding amused again. "They have rules."

"So we find a docta who's willin' to bend the rules."

"That sounds right up your alley."

Cal grinned in the dark. "Or there's adoption," Cal tried again. He wanted to build her excitement up to his level, to try and instil some hope. He didn't like how dejected her voice sounded. He was serious about this. It felt like a good idea. And she wasn't saying no. She wasn't talking him down from the ledge. "We can do it togetha; might increase our chances."

"Not when you're in your late forties and I'm in my mid forties and there are nice young couples in their twenties with their whole lives to offer."

Finally, the rest of the reason why the adoption agency had said 'no' to her. It wasn't just that she was too old by their standards. It was that she was older than most eligible couples and _single_.

Cal wasn't sure he had a response to that so left the comment hanging. How was he going to argue against that? "So that means IVF is our only option."

"Has this conversation suddenly become serious?" She sounded unsure. At least a conversation in the dark was a good exercise in trying to read tone of voice. Cal thought he detected a hint of hope in there too.

"As serious as you want it to be."

"Really?"

"Yeah really."

Gillian's fingers tightened against his. "Cal."

"I mean it Gill. You can take this as serious as you want to. You want to, I'm there. You don't want to, I'm ok with that too."

She didn't answer, but her fingers still had a death grip on his hand.

"Tell me what's involved," Cal prompted gently. "With IVF. Tell me what went wrong with Alec. How far did you two actually get?" He had known she was trying for a baby at the time but he had never known the details. Not even after years and years of trying. That was the one thing she had never elaborated on: her marriage with Alec. He had tried to piece things together, pressed her because he had been curious and nosey; not just because it was his nature but because she had remained silent on the subject. Gillian was certainly a loyal person.

Cal felt her shift on the mattress next to him. She gave a small sigh. "We did a cycle."

"Just one?"

"We didn't have a lot of money. I still had student loans and Alec was just starting to build his career. And so was I. We had just bought a house..."

"So what happened?" Cal prompted hoping she would tell him everything.

"It didn't work obviously."

Cal wasn't sure if he should laugh or not. Her tone was very matter-of-fact. Again, he resisted the urge to turn the lamp on. "Did you get pregnant?"

"No."

"The embryo's didn't implant?"

"No." A pause. "I thought you didn't know anything about it?"

"I might not know all the details, but I know how babies are made."

Another pause. "That was it."

"So you went from that to adoption?"

"Years later," Gillian clarified. Then she seemed to change the subject. "Alec didn't like that it was so invasive anyway."

"What's he on about?" Cal asked confused. "It wasn't like they were stickin' him with needles." Cal hated how selfish Alec came across. Alec didn't like the invasive nature of IVF. He had to jack off in to a plastic cup and he found that invasive? When Gillian probably had all kinds of procedures to deal with. They had adopted a baby girl, the mother changed her mind and he didn't want to talk about it? Ever. Then, instead of working through his problems with his amazing wife, he had taken up his cocaine habit and pushed her even further away. What was wrong with the guy? What was wrong with Cal? He had been just as selfish, telling her he couldn't have another family. Cal hated to think of himself somewhere in the same league as Alec.

"No," Gillian agreed. "They weren't sticking him with needles."

However, this wasn't about getting one up on Alec. This was about Gillian and Cal and _their_ lives. But if Cal ever saw Alec again he was going to shake his hand and thank him for screwing up because now Cal had Gillian and he didn't plan on ever letting her go.

"So?" Cal asked next.

"So what?"

"Don't play dumb," Cal told her gently. "You know what I'm askin'. Do you wanna try?"

"I'm scared to say it aloud."

"In case?"

Gillian took a deep breath. "In case I get my hopes up again and they get shattered again." She paused. "I don't know if I can deal with that _again_. Every time takes a little bit out of me forever." Now she sounded like she was close to tears.

"I know," Cal said softly. "Let me be the one who gets excited. I'll have all the hope and enthusiasm."

"Really?" Gillian's voice was thick with dubiousness. "Cal Lightman, giving up on a pessimism you've spent years perfecting?"

"I'm not a pessimist," Cal feigned shock and offence.

"You're not an optimist."

"Nah. That would be you."

"Hhm," Gillian agreed. "Hard to be optimistic when I've been constantly beaten down."

Cal suddenly pulled her roughly into a hug. He didn't like it when she was sad or low. It was hard to tell which. She just seemed bummed out. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to be able to give her a baby. But he also knew she was right, one more failure and it just might break her for good. He just hoped she had more strength in her reserves than they both knew. He couldn't put her through it again if he didn't think she could come out the other side unscathed.

Gillian pressed her face into his neck and her body along the length of his. "At least I could say I really did exhaust all options."

Her words were slightly muffled but Cal heard her very clearly. And he heard an optimism in her voice that made his heart cheer.

"I do want to try Cal."

**PJ**

"Ok," the nurse warned that it was about to begin as she pushed a drug of some sort into Gillian's IV line that had been prescribed by her doctor. It wasn't an aesthetic, more like a sedative in nature, something that wouldn't knock her out entirely but would make her completely relaxed and mostly pain free. Mostly. She was still going to feel a lot.

Cal squeezed Gillian's hand. He was nervous for her. His part had been easy. Him, a plastic cup and a room to himself. He told Gillian he was going to think of Cindy Crawford the whole time he was in there. He had lied. He thought about her. He had to admit, he'd had a hard time looking the nurse in the eye after he was done but if that was the most of his worries he would take it. Gillian had had all the hard work so far; endless tests, needles, hormones... invasive procedures. Like this one. They were harvesting her eggs. The ones artificially brought to maturation with synthetic drugs.

Gillian turned her head to look at Cal. He gave her a slight smile, wanting to be encouraging but knowing that this was still a long shot. The doctor had made that very clear. "Nervous?" He asked her. He could see it clearly on her face but she nodded slightly anyway. "You'll be all right darlin'," Cal told her gently, hoping that was true. She had told him how uncomfortable it was but he hadn't witnessed it firsthand yet.

It took five to ten minutes for the drugs to kick in. Her eyes lost their focus and the grip on his hand lessened. The doctor came in, dressed up in blue scrubs and cap. He talked them through the procedure. He used a little camera and sonogram to find Gillian's ovaries and guide the suction tube to the right place. Cal watched as the mature eggs were teased out of the ovary and sucked down to be collected. Gillian groaned on occasion like she was half asleep with a bad dream. Cal kept her hand in his, rubbed the back of her arm with his other hand. Each time the doctor extracted another egg Cal felt his mouth get drier. He was trying to keep any anxiety off his demeanour though; he had promised Gillian he would be the strong one on this occasion. She had needed more convincing to agree to the in-vitro treatment than the doctor had. Despite the long shot prognosis, the doctor had actually been incredibly encouraging.

"How many?" Gillian asked blearily, her voice strangely thick.

"Five," Cal told her. Five was all right. Considering.

"Five?" Gillian repeated in a breath. Her forehead had creased slightly in the middle. Her eyes were closed but Cal could see her eyes shifting around underneath them. She was processing that information.

"That's great," Cal told her, leaning in. "That's a great numba. Heaps."

"Hhm," Gillian seemed to agree.

Cal looked at the doctor. He gave a slight nod; agreeing that was the right thing to tell her. Keep her hopes up.


	45. Chapter 45

Gillian stood and surveyed the room. It was loud and busy with a crowd of hundreds of various personalities, ranging from the mayor, to other city officials, to heads of law enforcement departments, to journalists, book reviewers and family. She checked faces off the mental list of people she needed to talk to. She was sure she had greeted at least everyone there so looked now for Cal's face. He was talking to his publisher. Good, at least he wasn't hiding in a corner. Gillian sipped her drink, cola, momentarily alone and then one of the city's officials approached and she was back to socialising, not just playing the dutiful wife but the business partner.

Washington D.C was claiming Cal as one of their own now. His research on the theory of facial expressions representing love was not just hitting the psychological community with interest but also the wider public. Love was a subject that could be sold to all. Gillian was sure his motives weren't about fame, glory or money, but those three things were certainly winging their way toward him right now. His research paper had already been printed in most significant psychology and scientific journals but his publisher had caught wind of it and also encouraged him to dumb it down for the everyday person. So he had spent the last few months working on it and that's where they were now, the book launch.

Gillian was immensely proud of Cal and excited for him in a way that set her stomach on edge for most of the evening. She had read the paper for the psychological community and the manuscript for the wider world and had been impressed by both. They each seemed so effortless. The science was sound, backed up clearly and thoroughly, and so far there had been little back lash. It was inevitable though, the backlash; someone would set out to disprove him one day. That was the point of a theory; it had to be tested by independents. They had last time he had published a paper too. But his science had held. The book, on the other hand, was very sweet, written in Cal's softer voice. And it was dedicated to her too; she had 'softened his edges'. He had given her his author's copy.

Actually, a few other people who had known Cal a long time, or a long time ago, commented on that too. He was softer than he used to be. Those who had worked with him at the Department of Defence noted it particularly and were curious to meet her, the woman who had finally mellowed out Cal Lightman. There didn't seem to be any belief that maybe he was just getting softer in his old age. She laughed those people off and changed the subject. Cal had told her once that he was afraid he had corrupted her, brought too much darkness into her life because he had taught her to see all the negativity in humanity. She had denied it at the time because she refused to believe there was no saving grace in humanity to be found. She insisted on seeing the lighter side. All this time though, Cal had believed it was _he_ who had shaped _her_ but Gillian was starting to see it the other way around. Gillian had once seen an interview of the 'X-Files' star David Duchovny explaining his point of view on the relationship between the lead characters of the show, Mulder and Scully. He used the term 'human credential' and Gillian had liked that idea very much. Scully's devoted friendship proved to the world that Mulder was someone, who, although a little off the wall, was not a complete write off. Duchovny had gotten the idea from a woman he had met who was the human credential of her husband. She was soft and he was hard and her dedication to him showed their friends that he was actually someone worth knowing. And funnily enough, a journalist had suggested to Gillian that she was the same for Cal. She had proven to the world that he was someone who, although sometimes decidedly rude and abrasive, was worth being around, someone worth paying attention to. And she had done that, not consciously, but just by staying by his side.

"Gillian."

She turned, the fixed friendly smile for social situations faltering when she saw who it was. "Zoe. I didn't realise you had been invited."

"Cal sent me an invite."

Gillian gave a slight smile. '_Good on you Cal_.'

"I hope that's ok?" Zoe actually looked worried.

"That's not up to me."

"Do you mind if I talk to you about something?"

Gillian thought about brushing her off. She remembered the last conversation she had had with Cal about his ex-wife, the story about their wedding day. The hurt had faded but the memory hadn't. This would be a good opportunity to tell Zoe what she really thought of her but it wasn't exactly the right place.

"I just wanted to say something," Zoe continued when it became clear Gillian was hesitating.

Gillian glanced around. No one around them appeared to be listening. She wondered if they should move somewhere more private. "Go ahead."

"I wanted to apologise. For trying to stop your wedding. Emily told me you know about that. Not one of my finer moments," Zoe looked genuinely embarrassed, her eyes glancing down. "You're much better for Cal than I ever was."

"He really loved you."

"But I wasn't... you."

Gillian opened her mouth to object.

"How do you get him to stop? All that scrutiny?"

Gillian wasn't sure this was a conversation she really wanted to have with her husband's ex-wife. "I've never tried to change Cal." Which implied that she had learnt to deal with it.

Zoe looked stumped. "I guess that makes you a better person than I am."

"Zoe," Gillian said in disbelief.

"Sorry," She apologised again. "I've just been taking a long hard look at my life recently."

Then Gillian clicked. Zoe and Roger had separated.

"I'm sure you don't want to hear about my problems."

"I'd never turn away someone who needed to talk."

Zoe gave a wan smile. "That's ok, I already have a therapist. He suggested I come and talk to you. The wedding thing, it's been hanging over me."

Still feeling uncomfortable Gillian placed a hand on Zoe's arm. "It's in the past, water under the bridge. Let's just move on ok?"

"Thanks," Zoe said quietly.

"I should," Gillian indicated the room, an excuse to escape. Zoe nodded and they walked away from each other. Gillian did a lap of the room. She got another drink. She talked to Emily and a friend for a bit and happened to look across the room to see Zoe talking to Cal. It was hard to not feel suspicious and to not race over there immediately. Gillian talked to more people and edged her way to where the couple were talking. As soon as Zoe walked away she pounced.

"Hey," Cal gave her an appreciative expression. "Have I eva told you, you're incredibly beautiful?"

"Hhm, not often," Gillian had to admit. She was thrown by the topic of conversation.

Cal reached out a hand to her arm. "I should really do that." His thumb rubbed her skin gently. "Because you are a stunnin' woman."

Gillian realised he was deflecting, distracting her from a particular conversation. She gave him a slight smile, kind of hard not to under the compliment. "Yeah you should do that. I wouldn't object." She let her arm slide up out of his grasp until her fingers were wrapped in his.

"So you saw Zoe's here?" Cal broached the subject tentatively.

"Mm I did notice that," Gillian feigned nonchalance.

"Is it all right that I invited her? I should have asked you first if it was all right."

"You've never needed my permission to do anything Cal."

"Well that is true. Then, maybe, I should have warned you that she was going to be here."

"That could have a good thing." Gillian mused, sounding like she was admonishing him anyway. "What did she want?"

"To tell me congratulations."

"Did she tell you she talked to me?"

"When did she talk to you?"

"Tonight."

"Nah she didn't. What'd she say?"

"She apologised."

Cal's face turned into a purposefully surprised one that he held. True surprise only lasted a second. Anything longer than that was a sign of deception.

"For trying to stop our wedding," Gillian continued. This time she saw a true surprise expression.

"She did?"

Gillian nodded.

"I guess she's really workin' on herself."

"I guess so." And she saw something in his expression, just for a split second, that caused her to believe there was a lot more to that simple statement. She wondered what she had missed. Had Cal and Zoe been seeing each other again? Not sexually. Cal wasn't a cheater. Surely he would have told her about seeing Zoe though. He was the one who had initiated the severance in the first place.

"Did I tell you she separated from Roger?"

"Yes you did."

Cal watched her for a moment. "I thought I should make peace."

"I'm glad you did," Gillian gave him a fond smile. She had always afforded Cal the benefit of the doubt. His intentions weren't always clear in the beginning, but they were usually in the right place.

**PJ**

"Cal? Are you awake?"

"Nope."

"I want to talk to you."

"I wanna sleep."

"Sleep after I talk to you."

"All right luv, what do you want?"

Gillian shifted so she could look him in the eye. "You're different."

"What have I done now?" Cal complained.

"Nothing!" Gillian was offended by the accusation in his tone. Was she really the nagging type? "I meant, you're different in a good way. You seem happier these days."

Cal opened his eyes to look at her. "You make me happy luv."

While she knew that to be somewhat true, she also knew that she wasn't always enough. Something's were out of both of their controls. She thought about pressing the subject. Cal's mood had made a steady improvement over the last few months. She was curious; what had changed for him? But then, lying there, looking into his blue eyes, she realised she didn't need to have an answer about everything. That was Cal's M.O. She could let this one go. If he was happy, genuinely happy, that made her happy, and knowing that was enough.

Cal pressed his face into her neck and hugged her closer. "This is the best place in the world."

Gillian smiled and placed her right hand on top of his arm. "It's pretty good," she had to admit, feeling warm and contented. Their bodies were pressed together down their length, facing each other in a perfect fit.

"Maybe I'm just excited about havin' a baby."

Gillian grinned broadly and suppressed a bubble of excitement in her stomach. "Me too," she concurred gently.

"That's good darlin'."

Except she shouldn't be. Nothing was set it stone yet. Not even close. More like quicksand. She wasn't pregnant. They were still in the middle of the process.

"Nowhere I'd ratha be on a Saturday evenin' than right here with you," Cal continued.

"Mm," Gillian agreed. Except it was closer to two o'clock in the morning and the warm fuzziness they were both feeling now was not just sex induced, it was alcohol encouraged too. At least on Cal's part anyway.

"Except maybe in a pub," Cal mumbled against her skin. His breath was hot.

"What a load of bollocks," Gillian told him with a snort, not believing the statement for one second. She knew he was just saying it to be facetious.

Cal started laughing. Softly at first and then he got louder, his body shaking hers with its mirth. He rolled on to his back and faced the ceiling.

"What?" Gillian asked annoyed, prying her eyes open to look at him. She could have easily drifted off to sleep in the next fifteen minutes and now he had ruined that. Cal ignored her and continued to chuckle, periodically stopping only to start up again a second later. "What's so funny?" She demanded again.

"Nothin'."

"No, what?" She asked again firmly.

"It's just…" He paused.

"Yeah?" She prompted impatiently.

Cal made as though he was wiping his eyes.

"Tell me," Gillian slapped his arm. If she wasn't careful she might just start laughing as well.

"After all these years." He stopped again.

"Yes?" Gillian prompted dubiously.

"I mean, it's been what? Comin' up thirteen years that we've known each otha."

"Get on with it," Gillian told him eagerly.

"Thirteen years we've known each otha and I've finally got you speakin' British!"

**PJ**

_AN: So, that kids, is the end of the journey. Thank you for sharing it with me. A bigger thank you to those who reviewed and an even bigger thank you to those who took the time and consistently reviewed every chapter along the way._

_Those little insights into an audience's mind are priceless for a writer. I loved reading your theories about what was happening and where the story was going. It made me laugh when some of you were right! I loved hearing that you got choked up when Cal was hurting, because I did writing it! I loved hearing your hopes and dreams for them, wanting them to have a happy ending but immersing in the hurt and pain and embracing it as they experienced it._

_For me, writing this story became a part of my life for several months, I felt like they were friends of mine and I was watching their lives unfolding next to me. When they hurt, I was bummed out. When they were happy, I was excited for them. When they broke apart I wanted to knock their heads together too! When I finished it, I missed them. I started writing it at the end of 2009 and have added to it and added to it until it grew into the epic story that it is today. Even when I finished it earlier this year I always found a few more little scenes that could fit in, because I just couldn't let it go quite yet. From your reviews, I've even gone back and added to it again. Perhaps it will always evolve and grow, but at some point I had to say enough and dared to post it online. This was certainly not my first fanfic, nor my first story, but it was the first I have posted for the world to read, so thank you, everyone, again, for sharing the journey with me and taking the time to review. The biggest thank you is for loving it as much as I did. I'm glad you did!_


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